[__ Prayer __] so...I'm healthy now...

[Christ_empowered]

...and I'm remarkably...whole. Normal, too...which is good, but...whole. That's the big thing.

I -was- sick, for a while there. Untreated cancer, even. Its...interesting...now that I'm healthy, I can remember bits and pieces of the not so distant past, and -now- I realize: whoa! I -was- incredibly, unbelievably sick. I didn't get it back then. 'Mental illness' ? Maybe. I sometimes think my...affliction...might be part of the reason why God saw fit to spare me before I even got saved (only 5 years ago, btw). If I -was- 'mentally ill' back then, the shrinks just made it worse. A lot worse.

I take deep breaths, and my body cooperates. No big thing. No fatigue, lethargy, weight changes, sickly-ness, etc. I can concentrate, I can do things. My IQ estimate is now higher, even, which...is unexpected.

Where to from here? I don't really know, honestly. "The world waits for no one." I was sick for a while there, and I started out low status, anyway. Nobody around here cares, and I don't think people 'round here are that much different from most people, anywhere else.

I'm blessed to be on disability. You know what's strange? When I was so sick that, looking back, I wasn't expected to live much longer, people would get angry when I wasn't working, mess with me when I was working at the "wrong" place, etc. Now, I'm healthy, but I've been labeled as "Schizophrenic" in the community (not my actual diagnosis, but...whatevs...), so...I'm a non-entity. To be fair, I see now...I never mattered to most people around here, anyway.

But...yeah. I'm healthy, now. Smart, too. My parents are kind to me, even. Mama even told me that I'm a "good person" the other day, which is...a milestone, in my mind. This whole "Schizophrenia" business is...frustrating...to say the least. My parents aren't rich, but they're not middle-class, either. Basically, they now have enough status and resources for me to (gasp!) be treated with a bit of compassion and respect by Mental Health, Inc. In the community...well, everything about me seems to p!ss people off, especially the psychiatrists and counselors from back in the day. They haven't made $$$ off me in a while now, and they never will again, plus...yeah. Lots of stuff happened. I'm free now, thanks to Christ.

OK. This is...another rambling, reflecting post, I guess. Its also, very much, a Praise Report. God is good! I don't know where to go from here, but my life now is comfortable, often serene, especially compared to what came before and what -could- be happening, even right now.

As always...thanks for reading, plus the prayers, support, Scripture, etc. I know I come here a lot. Thing is...a lot of "treatment" w/ "mental health professionals" basically boiled down to: SHUT HIM UP! And boy did they! Now, by God's grace, I have a voice, one I'm still developing, and...

...I like to come here and use my voice, since I was silenced for what seemed an eternity.

Thanks again.

 

[Eugene]

I have a voice, one I'm still developing, and...
...I like to come here and use my voice, since I was silenced for what seemed an eternity.

A very important part of the healing process God seems to use to get us to know ourselves,
and His great grace that is making it possible.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, Eugene.

God is good! I realize now...well, after the shrinks got thru with me, they said I'd "never be the same." They were right. Now, The Lord has taken me on a healing journey, and I have things...including a voice...that I either never had, or haven't had in a long, long time.

It -is- good to be healthy, too. Makes life a lot easier, that's for sure. As I've written numerous times before, I'm now wondering how many of my "issues" were physically rooted. Happens. Now...I still take the "atypical" tranquilizer (hey, at least it isn't Thorazine, right?), but I do find that my "mental state" is vastly improved, now that I'm (remarkably) healthy, physically.

other than that...it just shows how good God is. People around here blamed me for everything, criticized everything about me, etc. I mean...no mercy, unrelenting cruelty, etc. Happens, especially to poor people.

Now, I'm a decent height, more aesthetically pleasing in the face, healthy, even my IQ estimate is (apparently) higher than the 120 I started with at the beginning of my (mis)adventures in psychiatry. Oh, and...of course...my thin, brittle hair has given way to very thick, wavy, healthy hair, even though my own sins were a big part of what destroyed my follicles.

my "personality disorder" has given way to a new way of being, a "heart (more and more) of flesh, not of stone," Praise God! In NPD, people fall into this trap of "idealizing" some people, then "devaluing" the same person (or other people...). Basically, you're lifting people up, ripping others to shreds (internally), and sometimes you'll do it to the same person. Weird, huh? Yeah, well, I don't do that now. Plus, more importantly, I'm now able to think of The Other Person, take other peoples' needs and such into account, etc.

I don't doubt that NPD was a part of...who I was, what I was...but I'm also now able to show compassion to others, including who I was, before Jesus first saved me and then moved mightily in my life. I don't know that I had much of a chance, honestly. Its not all psychobabble, family drama, either. I didn't have a social life for most of my life growing up. By the time I got to college at 17, I was so socially isolated that it was contributing to symptoms of agitation, mood swings, etc. --not-- good. It wasn't that my parents were terrible or anything...it was hard for them, living here, too. Upwardly mobile, white collar professionals in a -very- conservative, anti-intellectual, class conscious area. The few "friends" I had, starting in my early teens, barely tolerated me, because by then my parents had arrived at middle-class "respectability."

Ugh. God is good! Now, I have --1-- bona fide, genuine friend I talk almost daily...Verna. I can make more friends in "real time," now, in large part because of her guidance and showing me the ropes of good conversation, friendship, Christian living, etc. Still, --1-- genuine, true friend beats dozens of faux "friends" that add you on facebook but could not possibly care less about you, especially in your times of need, distress, etc.

OK. Once again, I've rambled, LOL. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement, Eugene. I was once considered hopeless, "pathetic," etc. Now...I'm healthy, smart, my parents and I have reconciled, and...

...my new life, in Christ--life and that more abundantly, at long last--has started, and I'm actually beginning to enjoy it, even rejoice at times.