[__ Prayer __] take up your plow...

[Christ_empowered]

...and look forward. If you keep looking back, you're not fit for The Kingdom of God ((paraphrase)).

OK. I'm now off (misdemeanor, Praise God!) probation, 2 years early because of compliance and such. Basically, God has blessed me all over. I've also been recovering further from...well, the life I had before Jesus saved me, including those delightful shock "treatments." Its crazy. Suddenly, I remember things that I haven't thought of in 10+/- years. Its wonderful, really it is. I feel as if The Lord is moving to make me truly, completely whole...flawed, yes; prone to certain sins, absolutely; but whole, nonetheless.

But I get stuck, more than I"d like. I --do-- take my psych drugs. I'm down to 2 daily prescriptions. I have 2 as-needed ones that I rarely, if ever, take...but they're there if I need them, so that's weirdly re-assuring.

But yeah...I've been praying on certain verses that stick out at me in The Bible. Spirit of a sound mind. New creation in Christ Jesus. It is no longer I who lives, it is Christ who lives in me. Washed and made clean. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My sins have been cast into the sea (of forgetfulness...) never to be brough up to remembrance again.

Right now, I'm trying to push on thru. I just went to Wal-Mart. I went to the one in the nearby lil city, not my small town, because its bigger and has the treats I wanted (refrigerated pasta and higher quality alfredo...yes, please....). Anyway, I went in and out, no probz, but then I thought I heard a dude man behind me talking about a "warrant" being served, etc.

I ask that you pray with me that I can take up my plow and push forward. I also ask that you Praise The Lord with me for bringing me so far. I'm not The Vatican or anything, but I consider His work in my life (and my family's lives, too) a --miracle--, and a much needed Miracle, at that.

Thanks.

 

[Eugene]

Brother Christ_empowered, I do hope you know prayer for you is daily, but your request is significant in that you realize your need. It's refreshing to see you reaching out beyond you which has the power to destroy narcissism. Prayerfully the voices of condemnation will lessen as your mission is realized with Jesus being in the fire with you. We can experience God's delivery and healing in the way He leads us, but be aware that God doesn't have to repeat another's incident of profession to cure you. When the time becomes reality medications will lessen as you age and too much sleep may hinder you. When God heals, one may receive immediate deliverance, another told to go to the Jordan, and one told to go to go in faith as he had believed.

Plow? Amen, there are many needing your witness.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, eugene.

The psychiatric situation is so strange. "Severe NPD..." now, they're talking about "severe Bipolar I" (mostly psychotic depression), and the community has voted me (of course...) "Schizophrenic." Ugh. At least I have my people and I get disability.

I dunno. Is any "mental illness" even really a "brain disease," you know? People have gone crazy throughout time. Is the brain the problem, or something else? I vote for "something else," because...well, look at the billion$ spent on psych drugs, psych hospitals, disability payouts, etc. Is anybody getting better? Nope. Very, very few people actually recover, and I often think "the system" helps keep us/them sick(er), longer.

But...yeah. Taking up my plow, pushing forward. I'm doing better about not looking back. Its strange. I --was-- stuck in a past I barely remembered, and now I remember more and The Lord has changed me so I'm far less stuck in it (Praise God!).

The voices situation is complicated. People have yelled things at me. People in the neighborhood do have a problem with me. And yet...my mind also plays tricks on me at times, and a lot of it, like you wrote, is rooted in lingering self-condemnation. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

I'm hoping to just...get er done and move on, as best I can, somehow. I wonder what kind of j-o-b I'll end up doing. Licensed professions are out, definitely. That still leaves a lot of options. I'm weirdly interested in being a paralegal. Lots of work for far less $$$ than a lawyer, but...its generally stable, benefits, somewhat challenging, safe work environment, etc. Plus, its far more $$$ than disability (and my parents) provide, and it'd be $$$ I'd --earned--, which is always a good thing, if one can work, that is.

I realize now that you and others at CFnet do care, and that matters. I'm increasingly capable of caring about other people, which is huge. Was it "severe NPD" ? Was I just socially isolated and messed up? --sigh-- Behind every diagnosis, every "mental patient," there's a story...but who will listen?

Thanks again.