keptandprotected
Member
All through my "Christian" life I've been filled with doubt and insanity. I have always had a weak conscience. I wanted to be eternally safe, but it's taken me about 25 years of it to discover the light that is in me may have been really darkness. It's been scary and full of dealing with condemnation, mental torture and suffering.
I have to admit I really didn't believe like I thought I did. I have discovered I was blind. When I read that God cares for me, I used to force myself to believe it. But other Christians, healthy ones, seem to believe it with no problem. So there has been an issue with me. I wanted to believe - I really did. But it's not something I'm always able to do.
I have schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and my symptoms are the delusions and false beliefs kind, specifically in religion. Schizophrenics all have a common problem - there is a structural shrinkage in certain parts of the inner brain, and their thoughts and emotions are not connected or don't communicate right. They (the thoughts and emotions) are split, hence the name "schizo". Most schizophrenics are operating on different levels of consciousness, making it hard to understand, process and believe reality.
I got to a point where I was pleading with God to "help me, help me believe and trust in You, save me, don't desert me if I am not able to believe in You, ...", exhibiting signs of faith but never able to apply the grace to myself. Very similar to the man who cried, "I believe, help my unbelief!" But this kind of pleading was all done a good 20 years after I called on God for the first time in my life.
I was in college when I realized the relationship I was in was wrong. I would call on God and cry to Him to deliver me from a relationship which was sinful. Within a week I was starting to get manic/depressive and delusional. But the problem was I wasn't really convinced God even existed. Why did I cry out to Him? Because I hoped He was real in my heart, but couldn't believe it with my mind. When the truth of God's existence finally sunk in, I was doubly afraid, because I was a guilty sinner.
I tried to believe enough in my heart that God loved me enough to send His Son to die for me, but my heart was scarred by the fear and trauma mental illness gives, and couldn't process that kind of love. It would take years and years until I felt like I was sane enough to accept Jesus to save me. I'm one of those people who said it a thousand times and never felt like I meant it the first time. But eventually I believed I was in the "safe zone" - eternally covered by His sacrifice and loved by my Father.
I'm 46 years old now, and I still struggle with the symptoms of schizophrenia. If there is anything I can do to inspire/encourage anybody who is going through tough times like condemnation, confusion, and hopelessness, please know a few things: a) I have been there, I know what you are going through. You are not alone b) Psalm 22 isn't just a Messianic prophecy. David has been there. Verse 1 he cried, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me??" The whole Psalm is about David's suffering. It just happens to be prophetic. c) Jesus has definitely been there. God Himself knows what kind of suffering (and more) you are going through, because He went through condemnation on the cross.
I have to admit I really didn't believe like I thought I did. I have discovered I was blind. When I read that God cares for me, I used to force myself to believe it. But other Christians, healthy ones, seem to believe it with no problem. So there has been an issue with me. I wanted to believe - I really did. But it's not something I'm always able to do.
I have schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and my symptoms are the delusions and false beliefs kind, specifically in religion. Schizophrenics all have a common problem - there is a structural shrinkage in certain parts of the inner brain, and their thoughts and emotions are not connected or don't communicate right. They (the thoughts and emotions) are split, hence the name "schizo". Most schizophrenics are operating on different levels of consciousness, making it hard to understand, process and believe reality.
I got to a point where I was pleading with God to "help me, help me believe and trust in You, save me, don't desert me if I am not able to believe in You, ...", exhibiting signs of faith but never able to apply the grace to myself. Very similar to the man who cried, "I believe, help my unbelief!" But this kind of pleading was all done a good 20 years after I called on God for the first time in my life.
I was in college when I realized the relationship I was in was wrong. I would call on God and cry to Him to deliver me from a relationship which was sinful. Within a week I was starting to get manic/depressive and delusional. But the problem was I wasn't really convinced God even existed. Why did I cry out to Him? Because I hoped He was real in my heart, but couldn't believe it with my mind. When the truth of God's existence finally sunk in, I was doubly afraid, because I was a guilty sinner.
I tried to believe enough in my heart that God loved me enough to send His Son to die for me, but my heart was scarred by the fear and trauma mental illness gives, and couldn't process that kind of love. It would take years and years until I felt like I was sane enough to accept Jesus to save me. I'm one of those people who said it a thousand times and never felt like I meant it the first time. But eventually I believed I was in the "safe zone" - eternally covered by His sacrifice and loved by my Father.
I'm 46 years old now, and I still struggle with the symptoms of schizophrenia. If there is anything I can do to inspire/encourage anybody who is going through tough times like condemnation, confusion, and hopelessness, please know a few things: a) I have been there, I know what you are going through. You are not alone b) Psalm 22 isn't just a Messianic prophecy. David has been there. Verse 1 he cried, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me??" The whole Psalm is about David's suffering. It just happens to be prophetic. c) Jesus has definitely been there. God Himself knows what kind of suffering (and more) you are going through, because He went through condemnation on the cross.
