Christ_empowered
Member
me, yet again.
ok. so, the put downs and taunts may never stop. Things seem to ebb and flow, wax and wane. Verna says there's a satanic element. I'm freshly off probation, 2 years early (!!!), and I didn't end up with a felony. Of course...its a small, southern town, so apparently the story is I had a public defender, got a felony, and "the judge took pity you on, f@ggot!" oh well. it is...what it is...
I have so much to be thankful for. You know how Jesus talks about an acorn that falls to the ground, dies, and then becomes an oak? Yeah. That's true of all Born Again believers, but in my own life, I feel/think/believe The Lord has gone above and beyond for me, and for my family. Its funny. See, when I was down and out, a lot of people around here set out to "make an example out of" me. So, shortly after getting saved, I asked The Lord to "make an example out of me," because...well...why not? The shrinks did, didn't they? Right. So now...
I'm a decent height, my face is normal, my premature aging is gone, and my follicles seem to have...I dunno...I have lots of hair, where before "poor life choices" (read: teenage mishaps involving stuff from sallys beauty supply) had thinned my hair out, beyond repair. And that's just the physical stuff. In terms of my innermost heart, my heart of hearts...
...for all this talk of me "recently developing Schizophrenia," I'm remarkably n-o-r-m-a-l. Also, for someone who had/has so much brain damage (thanks, psychiatry...), I don't have any major cognitive problems now, I do college-level work, I'm writing better, and my neurological problems (i had tics and such...probably from the antipsychotics and/or the involuntary shock "treatments") are gone.
I care about other people. That's huge. I don't know how much I buy into any psychiatric diagnosis, but NPD--that's narcissistic personality disorder--did fit at least some of my problems for a long time there. And now...
...pride is there. self-love is there. But its not crippling, not pathological. I --can-- think of the other person, I --can-- listen without internally ripping people to shreds or elevating them to demi-god levels, I --can-- think: how would I feel/think/behave if this was me? Basic for most people, but for the once reigning King of The NPD Weaklings, this is --huge--.
Oh, and the whole "weakling" thing...yup. I realize now, I was, in fact, a weakling. On the broad road, no less. Amusing, expendable, etc.: weakling. Now, I've been plucked off the broad road, and I'm no longer a "weakling." I'm healthy, I'm smart enough for my goals, and I'm even more solidly masculine (still --not-- a raging heterosexual, but not flamboyantly, disordered homogay, either...). Besides, with the whole sexuality thing...when I was at a Pentecostal program, they had us read an essay by David Wilkerson. This piece was written in the mid-60s, and he even talked about us non-straight people. It was...refreshing, really. Genuinely, remarkably...tolerant, even. Basically, he said The Bible doesn't lay down rigid gender rules, especially if you're single. You just have to follow the same rules as everybody else, which means...no lifelong, Christian companion of the other sex=celibate. Boom. Fairly simple.
But, yeah. I'm rambling, as usual. Point is...I need to toughen up a bit. I'm not looking to be a no-nonsense man's man, but the world is full of bullies, especially in my situation. I have so much to be thankful for, I really do. Thing is...I hear these things people say, and I'm --better-- able to let it go, roll right off of me, but I have a ways to go. I still get down about it, and I really shouldn't. I have The Lord, I have my family, I even have a lot of things that have recently been added unto me. God is good! The world...not so much...
This is part Praise Report, part prayer request (yet again, lol...). I do Praise The Lord (!!!) for His unending goodness, His mercy, His kindness, His compassion, even (gasp) His pity. That's not the issue. At the same time, I do need to toughen up a bit, if I'm going to enjoy His work in my life and move forward. I don't see a way for me to move anytime soon, and honestly...I'm safe and comfortable here, with my parents. We weren't a family for a long time, a lot of it was because of me, some of it was because of shady psychiatrists+counselors, etc. etc. etc. It happens. Now, we --are-- a family, and I want to stay here and enjoy a life with the only people who care about me 'round here, and whom I have grown to love, respect, and appreciate.
So...that's it from me, for now, anyway. God is good! People aren't, especially a lot of the ones around me, especially the more vocal ones.
Thanks for your prayers, support, and replies.
ok. so, the put downs and taunts may never stop. Things seem to ebb and flow, wax and wane. Verna says there's a satanic element. I'm freshly off probation, 2 years early (!!!), and I didn't end up with a felony. Of course...its a small, southern town, so apparently the story is I had a public defender, got a felony, and "the judge took pity you on, f@ggot!" oh well. it is...what it is...
I have so much to be thankful for. You know how Jesus talks about an acorn that falls to the ground, dies, and then becomes an oak? Yeah. That's true of all Born Again believers, but in my own life, I feel/think/believe The Lord has gone above and beyond for me, and for my family. Its funny. See, when I was down and out, a lot of people around here set out to "make an example out of" me. So, shortly after getting saved, I asked The Lord to "make an example out of me," because...well...why not? The shrinks did, didn't they? Right. So now...
I'm a decent height, my face is normal, my premature aging is gone, and my follicles seem to have...I dunno...I have lots of hair, where before "poor life choices" (read: teenage mishaps involving stuff from sallys beauty supply) had thinned my hair out, beyond repair. And that's just the physical stuff. In terms of my innermost heart, my heart of hearts...
...for all this talk of me "recently developing Schizophrenia," I'm remarkably n-o-r-m-a-l. Also, for someone who had/has so much brain damage (thanks, psychiatry...), I don't have any major cognitive problems now, I do college-level work, I'm writing better, and my neurological problems (i had tics and such...probably from the antipsychotics and/or the involuntary shock "treatments") are gone.
I care about other people. That's huge. I don't know how much I buy into any psychiatric diagnosis, but NPD--that's narcissistic personality disorder--did fit at least some of my problems for a long time there. And now...
...pride is there. self-love is there. But its not crippling, not pathological. I --can-- think of the other person, I --can-- listen without internally ripping people to shreds or elevating them to demi-god levels, I --can-- think: how would I feel/think/behave if this was me? Basic for most people, but for the once reigning King of The NPD Weaklings, this is --huge--.
Oh, and the whole "weakling" thing...yup. I realize now, I was, in fact, a weakling. On the broad road, no less. Amusing, expendable, etc.: weakling. Now, I've been plucked off the broad road, and I'm no longer a "weakling." I'm healthy, I'm smart enough for my goals, and I'm even more solidly masculine (still --not-- a raging heterosexual, but not flamboyantly, disordered homogay, either...). Besides, with the whole sexuality thing...when I was at a Pentecostal program, they had us read an essay by David Wilkerson. This piece was written in the mid-60s, and he even talked about us non-straight people. It was...refreshing, really. Genuinely, remarkably...tolerant, even. Basically, he said The Bible doesn't lay down rigid gender rules, especially if you're single. You just have to follow the same rules as everybody else, which means...no lifelong, Christian companion of the other sex=celibate. Boom. Fairly simple.
But, yeah. I'm rambling, as usual. Point is...I need to toughen up a bit. I'm not looking to be a no-nonsense man's man, but the world is full of bullies, especially in my situation. I have so much to be thankful for, I really do. Thing is...I hear these things people say, and I'm --better-- able to let it go, roll right off of me, but I have a ways to go. I still get down about it, and I really shouldn't. I have The Lord, I have my family, I even have a lot of things that have recently been added unto me. God is good! The world...not so much...
This is part Praise Report, part prayer request (yet again, lol...). I do Praise The Lord (!!!) for His unending goodness, His mercy, His kindness, His compassion, even (gasp) His pity. That's not the issue. At the same time, I do need to toughen up a bit, if I'm going to enjoy His work in my life and move forward. I don't see a way for me to move anytime soon, and honestly...I'm safe and comfortable here, with my parents. We weren't a family for a long time, a lot of it was because of me, some of it was because of shady psychiatrists+counselors, etc. etc. etc. It happens. Now, we --are-- a family, and I want to stay here and enjoy a life with the only people who care about me 'round here, and whom I have grown to love, respect, and appreciate.
So...that's it from me, for now, anyway. God is good! People aren't, especially a lot of the ones around me, especially the more vocal ones.
Thanks for your prayers, support, and replies.
