Two Girls... HELP!

[Pard]

It's funny how once you give up on one thing and find another that previous thing comes back to you, isn't it? It started, for me in 10th grade...

I met a girl who I instantly clicked with. We had two classes together and our following classes were next to each other. I made sure I walked with her to class everyday, it was one of the highlights of my day (and since the classes were on opposite sides of the school, it took us five minutes to get there). There was a single problem with this girl, though... She was dating my friend. Still, I knew my friend, and I knew he didn't long relationships. I waited. Sure enough, she broke up with him, but I was not ready to tell her how I felt so I kept up the routine and she ended up dating some jamoke. Well, I waited the out and I'm glad I did, because at the end of that she needed me to be there for her. Sometime during her dating him she began to call me every night. Over the summer she dated a guy who was two years older than here, he was a real jerk and I knew he didn't deserve her.

Anyways, once again, she picked the wrong guy, and it fell down all around her, and like the faithful guy I am I was there to help her out. By this time it's 11th grade. Sometime into the Fall I told her how I felt. She literally sat me down and told me no. I argued with her, because she had flawed reasoning. I told her the guys she had dated previously were losers and that I wasn't a loser. They were jerks and idiots and didn't realize what they had. She told me she would date me, but she couldn't stand seeing it go south because she trusted me to much to lose me... Typical female you-know-what, if you ask me.

I got spiteful and I literally cut her out of the picture completely. I stopped answering her texts and calls. I even dropped out of a class I had with her. I walked the long way to classes and I skipped lunch, all to avoid her. I was devastated. Since then I've grown up a bit and realized I was a selfish loser, just like those other guys. I should have just stayed with her, because I really liked her, even if I had to just be her friend.

Well a year later I fell for my friend's sister. She had always been around, I just never took notice. It started with just hanging out with her after school and watching TV. We went to the drive in a few times. Because she is my friend's sister, it took me a long time to work up the courage to tell her how I felt (like literally that was a year ago and I still have not gotten there).

Let me cut back to the first girl for a moment now.

Last month I got a text message from her. She just wanted to talk an to know why I stopped seeing her at all. I told her the truth. Well that went fine. So last Friday we went to the movies (after talking for a week or two). We had a good time. Saturday we are going to go bowling in celebration of completing a semester's worth of classes in three weeks. Good news, I talked her into letting me pay (that's big, she hates letting guys pay for her).

Then today I go to the grocery store, and like always I get into my friend's sister's line. She hates her job so I always get into her line to cheer her up. Well we made uneventful small talk about nothing in general. I got home and pulled the receipt out of my bag and written on it is "Hi Ian, I love you"

I always thought she had feelings for me also, I guess I was right?

But I don't know what to do. I'm going to pray to God, sure, but anyone have some input to help me out here?

 

[jasoncran]

puppy love. why not take your time and talk to your pastor and see if their some courting and dating advice that he or someone that could give you.

if she loves you that much she will wait and be sure not to fornicate. not that i think you would.

 

[Pard]

Shoot, as I was reading that first bit I thought you were going to have my pastor hook me up with someone at church. All I could think of is some 70 year old pastor decking me when I asked that. All the single ladies at my age level in church at his granddaughters so... Plus their smart and wouldn't want to get close to a future cop, to risky.

 

[jasoncran]

lol. so,if they have a problem dating a cop then well they aint worth the time.

everybody hates the po-po.

 

[Pard]

I think they are all (except one) UCONN girls. UCONN isn't known for its sober college students, if you catch my drift ;)

The other one is too smart to get into a relationship with a guy who could literally get killed any day of the week. Takes a strong woman to put up with that kind of stuff. Was on a ride along last week with a guy who has only been in it for 10 years and he has already gone through four wives because they cannot stand the stress it causes them waiting for 12 hours.



It's like the military, it's a family affair.

 

[jasoncran]

I think they are all (except one) UCONN girls. UCONN isn't known for its sober college students, if you catch my drift ;)

The other one is too smart to get into a relationship with a guy who could literally get killed any day of the week. Takes a strong woman to put up with that kind of stuff. Was on a ride along last week with a guy who has only been in it for 10 years and he has already gone through four wives because they cannot stand the stress it causes them waiting for 12 hours.



It's like the military, it's a family affair.

cops often cheat on their wives. that isnt unheard off. yes its stressful. no doubt.

 

[Pard]

I think I will work at the girl I've liked since 10th grade. She's closer to my age and I know I feel something for her because I didn't feel very good for the year+ that I wasn't talking to her and now I fell better.

Plus she's a strong person.

 

[jasoncran]

that stress is far more sheering that we like to think.it almost destroyed my marriage. the year of hell. me going through ptsd and my wife bi polar issues simulataneously.

 

[Pard]

The other good thing about girl 1... she's majoring in psychology. That should help! Get her a gig as the PD shrink and than I could legally talk to her about my day.

That's what the cop I was on the ride along with said. He said the worst part is that he cannot talk about his day in any detail, at least not until it goes to court about four months later.

 

[grovenored]

Hey Pard, good question buddy.
I'd have to say that, at your age and not having embarked on your adult life proper yet (so to speak) I would say it may not be the perfect time to start dating. Having said that I also understand that it's almost impossible you'll take that on board, most people don't!
No condescension meant at all, by the way.
First things first, are either of these girls Christians like you? If not, I'd have to say that's a big no-no!
Secondly, you seem to be wondering who would be right for you and that can often be a flawed way of thinking. The best way to think of it is, am I the right person for her? A lot of people seem to think "if I meet the right person everything will be fine", when in actuality it's becoming the right person for one another that works in the long run.
Thirdly, when picking someone to date prayer is a huge factor, also wise input is good input. Ask your pastor for help with your decision, along with fervent prayer. Remember, you're not looking for a good time, you're looking for a good life.

If you need further help on this, please do check out the small blog series I'm running here, you may find it helpful, and you're welcome to message me any further questions

God bless.

 

[Pard]

Hey Pard, good question buddy.
I'd have to say that, at your age and not having embarked on your adult life proper yet (so to speak) I would say it may not be the perfect time to start dating. Having said that I also understand that it's almost impossible you'll take that on board, most people don't!

Really? I'm almost 20. Figure it's getting to that time, don't you think? I don't want to be in the same boat my parents were in. They didn't get married until their late 30s and they could only have two kids. Plus they will be on retirement before my sister even graduates high school. I think I'd rather still be rather youthful when my kids are springing the coop.

 

[jessanew]

Have you thought, perhaps, that this first girl might just be that.... first love type of thing?

Many people hold a special place in their hearts for the guy or girl they first had really strong feelings for. I know I do - Adrian was my 'first love' and I hold the time we had dated in a special place in my mind and heart. It was a more innocent time for me, and while it wasn't always a happy time, it was special.

I agree with Grove that one of the questions you must ask yourself, in regards to either girl is "Are you the right guy for her?". And try to be as honest with yourself as you possibly can

It was a question I had to ask myself about Adrian, whom I mentioned a moment ago. I loved Adrian but for him, I was toxic. Had we stayed together, he would not have been happy and of course he wouldn't have been either.

 

[grovenored]

"Really? I'm almost 20."

Oh, sorry, dude! I read 10th grade and 11th grade and sort of jumped the gun there... Forgive me, I'm English, we don't do school years like you guys

But yeah, if you're 20 then it's totally the right time to be looking; good on you for wanting more than most guys your age, looking for a proper relationship with lasting potential instead of hook up, shack up, break up.

As for my questions though, did they help at all?

 

[Pard]

Yeah they did.

I'm still working on the answer though. Part of me is selfish and is saying "Yes of course". The other part of me is being objective and working it out. I think I still may come back with a "Yes of course" for girl the first.

And no problem about the age thing. Just take the grade number and add 6.

 

[grovenored]

Aha sorry again, total miscue by me. Thanks for the tip, I'll remember the next time I talk to someone American about grades!

Well dude, if you can be objective about it all, saying yes she's a Christian; yes you want to protect her, love her and provide for her like a man should; yes you can see this woman being your helper; yes you can make yourself the right person for her and yes you've sought wise counsel then really the only thing missing is the green light from God.
And that's the biggest one of them all...

Questions I asked myself before dating were "will this girl be a good legacy or just a good time?"
"Are we wanting the same things from our lives? Is she willing to be my helper with these things?"
"Do I feel I can become the right person for her? Am I willing to out-pour my love to her in order to transform her, as Christ does?"
And other such of that ilk.

They're hard questions, and they may seem like "too much, too soon", but if you're looking for a potential spouse you can never be too careful; I hope they help.
Obviously don't ask her how many kids she wants on the first date or anything, think it through aha

 

[reba]

Really? I'm almost 20. Figure it's getting to that time, don't you think? I don't want to be in the same boat my parents were in. They didn't get married until their late 30s and they could only have two kids. Plus they will be on retirement before my sister even graduates high school. I think I'd rather still be rather youthful when my kids are springing the coop.

Cant be done Pard kids make ya old .

 

[Chris]

2 girls. what are you doing right lol. best mates sister, be careful there. I am not saying dont because if it works out it would make great family to be in. Sounds like the first girl has moved on a few times she may be less stable than your mates sister.
You know for sure how one girl feels about you in a positive way.
set a fleece before God ask for guidance. Try tossing a coin several times like 5. designate one girl of each result if it all ends up tails or heads you have your answer, make it something hard. Pray for intervention in our fleece. Do one fleece then another,for confirmation. If it does not work out it is also possible neither is your right match.

Best advice I can think of. It has worked for me.

 

[jasoncran]

the problem with fleecing is that the fleecer often know the answer and doesnt want to listen to God. been there.

slow down and wait. court one and wait. marriage shouldnt be rushed. you see why when you do tie the knot who ignorant of it you really are in that first year. women have a way of humbling you and making you realise that you arent all that and need some work. i had to learn my faults and adjust.

10 yrs and i still dont have it right. love isnt static it changes.

 

[handy]

Pard, I've read through this thread pretty thoroughly and can see that you're in a sort of classic triangle between the desired "girl not right" and the dependable "good but not desired" girl.

Lot's of romance stories made on this idea...but not so fun when you're in the middle of it.

What I also see from your posts is that it seems as if the desired girl seems to think of you more as a friend and the younger girl seems to actually care for you.

My advice here will be the same to you as it would be if my daughter's "grocery boy" came to me with the same situation...I would tell him to go ahead and date the older girl as a friend and see if a relationship opens up. Keep the dating with the older girl on a "friendship with potential" basis and then see how she really feels about you. It could be, Pard, that you are just a friend to her...and if you are nothing but a friend to her, don't let yourself be jerked around by her. If after a few dates, maybe a month or so, she and you still aren't on the same pages as far as your feelings towards each other, then let it go. But, keep it casual for now...just two friends doing things with each other. This way, if the relationship does go south and if she drops you to go off with another guy...well all you've done is gone out with a friend and then perhaps you can truly reassess the younger girl and determine if she's worth waiting for.

And, just as I wouldn't expect you to hold hands or kiss your buddy, I wouldn't expect you to have physical contact with this older girl either.

In case it helps, I'll also let you know this about the situation that my daughter is in with the "grocery boy" (who is going to be a cop, too)....

It was very clear up until a couple of months ago that he cared for her very much. Then, when he turned 21, it seems as though he's pulled back just a bit. Now, when they are together and they are talking with each other, he's still clearly smitten, there is no mistaking the glow in his eyes nor the warmth and tenderness he shows her. But he doesn't PM her via Facebook anymore, and he's beginning to do things like not jump at the chance of coming up here to help out on the ranch...he actually turned down work just a couple of weeks ago. He seems to really be reassessing if he can wait as long as it would be to wait for her. I don't think he's dating anyone else...he might be, but if he is he's not telling us about it when he chatters about everything else up in his life. Frankly, I think when he turned 21, which is a milestone year, he just started thinking things through and is struggling on how to proceed.

I've told my daughter all along that if, when she turns 18, if he is still single, by all means pursue a relationship with him if he wants to. But, I've also told her not to hold her breath, nor make a lot of expectations, nor enact any drama if he winds up with someone else. Will it twinge her heart if he does wind up with someone else? Sure it will. Heck, it will twinge my heart as well, I'd love to have him my official son as I love him as a son anyway.

I've also told my daughter that it is highly unlikely that Joe will not have any relationships with girls his age for the next (now) four years. He's a young, healthy, good-looking guy who's got plenty of girls his age flirting with him. As of now, he doesn't flirt back and he isn't pursuing any of them...but I have to believe he's rethinking it. I know he is honorable in his relationships and that he isn't the kind of guy to have sex with a girl he isn't married to...I know this because he's talked to my husband about this. But, if he does leave off the contact with Viola and pursues a relationship with a girl his age...we will all understand, including Viola. And, if that relationship doesn't work out, and he shows up again when Viola is 18 and wants to pursue a relationship with her...I hope that they would.

If the younger girl has a good relationship with her mom, I'd bet dollars to donuts they've had similar conversations regarding you.

I dated three guys, and was engaged once before I met Steve. There was one guy that I did date, then God took us down separate paths...but, if we had crossed paths again, (prior to my meeting Steve, of course) I would have dated him again in a heart beat.

Not all dating relationships are going to end in marriage. That is what courting is all about...to see if you will be compatible for marriage, and not all relationships are. Just because you seriously date a girl doesn't mean you have to marry her. Just be serious about why you are dating her...date her with the eye towards answering if you are right for her and she you...if you are compatible in ways that a marriage would be a strong one. If there are red flags...pay attention to them. And, if you doubt you could marry her, or if you did the marriage would be a good one...then don't marry...move on.

If you date this older girl and she finally realizes what a gem you are and that she's been crazy not to be crazy about you and you alone up to now...and courting reveals that marriage between the two of you would be all that Godly marriage is to be...mazel tov! But, after a month or so of dating, it all falls apart, then you truly will have to be honest about the younger girl...is she worth waiting for, or is it time to just start searching a little further afield.

 

[jasoncran]

good lord i wish i knew that when i was younger.man the heartaches i could have avoided.