Two Girls... HELP!

[Pard]

lol Chris the good old coin toss can even be used for relationships huh?

Handy,

That's kind of what I figured I'd do. Sadly it is not looking to good for me and the older girl. :bigfrown She was very adamant about her desire to remain single for the time being. Gah it's so frustrating!

The younger girl will be 18 in just over a year.

the dependable "good but not desired" girl

That's not true! It's just weird because I've looked at her as a sister more than 10 years. I was more than happy to wait around her this girl until the older one came back and started inquiring about our past, still am, but well you know...

 

[Chris]

lol Chris the good old coin toss can even be used for relationships huh?

I did it 6 times for a job choice and prayed over it prior. 6 times it turned up the same way with different throw methods.
be original think of something hard to influence by your own input. ask God for an idea for a couple of fleeces. If God can create the world he can intervene in small things..but big things to you.

 

[handy]

lol Chris the good old coin toss can even be used for relationships huh?

Handy,

That's kind of what I figured I'd do. Sadly it is not looking to good for me and the older girl. :bigfrown She was very adamant about her desire to remain single for the time being. Gah it's so frustrating!

The younger girl will be 18 in just over a year. That's not true! It's just weird because I've looked at her as a sister more than 10 years. I was more than happy to wait around her this girl until the older one came back and started inquiring about our past, still am, but well you know...

There were a lot of clues in your posts that the older girls looks upon you as just a friend. It's hard, but I think most of us have at least one person in their lives like that...someone one would love to have had a relationship with, but the other person just didn't feel the same way.

As for the younger girl, a year is not a long time to wait at all. You've written quite a bit about her this past year and you seem to be pretty smitten with her. Ask yourself this: If you could have been in an actual relationship with her this past year, would the older girl's desire to reconnect your friendship awakened your desire for more?

Have you ever talked with the younger girl about your plans to become a cop? How is she with that idea?

It's amazing how many parallels there are between this situation of yours and my daughter's situation with Joe. He's talked a lot about being a cop and why he wants to be one. (His older brother was murdered, and they were never able to convict the guy who did it.) Viola understands how hard it will be to be a cop's wife, believe me, she and I have had many conversations about it. But, whereas I'm not willing to say with any certainty that they will wind up together, I will say that I think God is preparing her for the possibility. Her dad often does not come home for days at a time...she's used to seeing me handle the household for him while he's away. Steve also has a job that mandates confidentiality and we can only speak of his day in a general way...so she's learning that part of things as well. And, since Steve has epilepsy, even though it's pretty well under control, we live with knowing that there is a possibility that he might not make it home again...should he have a seizure while driving on the mountain roads we have around here.

No two situation are exactly alike, but I share this about Viola and Joe just to help you gain some insight as to what God might be doing in this younger girl's life, even though you are not officially dating her.

Or, God could be seeing, in His unerring foreknowledge, you with someone completely different and these two girls in your life are giving you certain insights and knowledge about things that will be helpful when you meet her.

I'm not a big believer in "the one" as in there being one person and one person only who is God's "choice" for you. I don't believe that God chooses our mate for us, we have free will in this part of our lives. But, God does want us to hold all relationships in honor and live up to His principles in all of them. Each person we meet, whether we wind up with him or her or not, exercises us in being godly in our relationships and helps us gain insight into what is good and what is bad about relationships.

If this older girl isn't all that into you...I'm sorry, because you seem to really like her and wish you could be with her. But, she's making it clear to you that she just doesn't feel the same about you. Respect her feelings. Perhaps you need to make it clear to her that you really can't be "just a friend" (if you indeed cannot be...).

But, if the younger girl wrote, "I love you" on a note, unless she's the kind of girl who gushes "I love you" to everyone all the time (is she?) then she most likely does love you and is hoping you'll ask her out when she does turn 18.

Now, I'm going to throw this at you as well, realizing that I'm going quite long on this post.....

My best friend's daughter was 15 when she met a guy who was 19. They fell in love with each other. Now, he is a soldier, had just gotten back from Afghanistan and lives on base in NC. She lives in CA. They had this long distance relationship, via texting, phone, Skyping, and Facebook for almost two years. She was in a "bad" place when they met, and her relationship with him really helped pull her up in life. As a result, she actually went from being an "F" student to being able to graduate a year early.

Here's the thing....he gave her a promise ring this past Christmas. Without setting an official date, they were engaged. Then, a week after she turned 17 and a week before she graduated...she realized that she wasn't ready for marriage, or even wanted to continue on with her relationship with him. She realized that she was just on the brink of life and wanted to strike out on her own, stretch her wings and fly for awhile. Nothing wrong with this, most of us feel the same way when graduating High School and moving onward...but poor soldier boy is crushed.

I wouldn't advise you to try to "unofficially" date or be otherwise engaged with the younger girl until after she turns 18 and is in a place to truly assess what she wants out of life.

It sounds as if the younger girl is a very good friend of yours...that's a wonderful foundation for a solid marriage. Just remain friends with her for awhile longer and see where life takes you in a little over a year. If someone else comes along that you're interested in, go ahead and date in a friendship way...but if you still want a relationship with the younger girl after she's 18, by all means go for it then.

 

[jasoncran]

that soldier boy took a big risk as the ucmj would fry him if any fruit came of it. i have seen that happen. the army doesnt tolerate that. i was well decieved by a teen who appeared older and nearly had the hammer dropped on me and that was that.i was 19 at the time.

but i do agree with that God allows choice in this manner, as my wife and i are way opposites. i couldnt see here into apologetics or science, and she neither would see me into growing gardens etc.though i do how do to that as i did it as a kid.

 

[handy]

Why was it a "risk" Jason....all was done with her mom and dad's approval...they weren't sleeping together, no statutory laws were violated.

We need to stop automatically thinking that dating equals sex. Our kids need to know that we both believe and expect that sex is only for marriage, not for dating.

 

[jasoncran]

Why was it a "risk" Jason....all was done with her mom and dad's approval...they weren't sleeping together, no statutory laws were violated.

We need to stop automatically thinking that dating equals sex. Our kids need to know that we both believe and expect that sex is only for marriage, not for dating.

the army doesnt quite see it that way. trust me i didnt even do the deed either. i was merely talking to the girl and the hammer nearly feel. theres a reg similar to acts unbecoming of an officer for enlisted members and ncos'.the very appearence of the such acts at times can be used to punish. usually a nice long talk does the trick as was my case but if they persist then they can be punished.

one need not to have a parents disproval to have the hammer drop.it may not hold in a court but one doesnt need to go to court to stick ucmj action either. ie loss of pay and or rank. yes the soldier can fight but he will loose most likely and the punishement will be heavier.

again in the military appearence is everything when it comes to this stuff.it would be worse if they did that near the base. if that was the case i know those parents wouldnt approve imho as most soldiers and underage sex is common thing. i cant count how many times i saw teens in the barracks from the local married couples quarters. its sad but its a fact.i wouldnt have bothered with the girl if i knew she was under 18 but i couldnt tell and i neither asked for id. that was a big mistake.

 

[handy]

I keep forgetting that a soldier's life is far more regulated than we civilians.

As for the girl under 18, I have to admit Joe was pretty savvy...instead of asking Viola out on a date, he asked her how old she was. He picked up that she was young and made sure to find out just how young.

But then again, sweet daughter of mine, lied to the guy telling him she was 17....something she's repented for! But, even still if a guy isn't sure, and the girl seems young...best to get to know her a lot better before getting intimate.

Gee, isn't that God's standard anyway?

 

[jasoncran]

:bigfrown i know i wish i did that alot more. most of the time the girls in my single days wouldnt bother if i told them i wouldnt be into sex, but i also couldnt be pure either ie that christian sex thing. which was just as bad.

 

[Pard]

Are laws different where you guys live? (I know CA has it the same as we do). Statutory laws go away at the age of 16 in CT. 16 is the age of consent in my state. I found this out the other week through my law class. We were working on a case from '95 in which a man (21) fell head over heels in love with a girl (16) who was living in a single-parent home. He took her out of that you-know-what hole and allowed her and her two kids to live with him. I thought that was breaking all sorts of statutory laws, turns out that (at least in CT) those laws all go bye-bye at the age of 16.

Now I'd still be careful and I probably wouldn't go dating the younger girl, let's call her Esther (my favorite girl's name). Just saying. I may consider seeing where it goes in a few more months (she'll be 17). Maybe go to a few school dances with her. She always offers to buy me a ticket to go with her and I've always declined (had a bad experience going with someone to their junior prom).

Uh she knows I'd like to be a cop. Not sure how she REALLY feels, but I judging by her reaction I'd say she thinks it's fine. Not sure if she has thought through what that may entail, but maybe she has... I mean she has already planned out our wedding (did I forget to mention that? It's been planned for two years now )

 

[jasoncran]

in my county its 18 and 18. state law its 23 with a 16 is ok. my county made it stricter on that stuff. this means if she or he is under 18 it will get you a date with the big dude in martin correctional facility who is willing to love you all the time.

 

[Pard]

Supreme Court has ruled statutory laws cannot apply to males. A male who is under age would get regular rape. Statutory rape is in place to punish those who have sex with a female minor because the government has ruled that a female minor is in much more of a risky place when having sex than a male.

It's something like Michael E. v State of Cali. I forget the exact case that ruled that.

 

[JohnEboy1983]

Hey Pard,

I know we both talked about these girls and and past experiences, but be extremely careful with the older one, not to get to wound up over her. The girl I was telling you about in which I ended the friendship is also very adamant about not dating anybody or getting into a relationship like you mentioned this one is. I just have a feeling to urge you to be very cautious with your heart so that it doesnt get broken after everything you told me. I think the younger one sounds very sweet though. Handy gave some great advice. Im not saying that the older one cant work out for you, but be very careful, and once you figure it out and if shes not the right one.......split.

 

[jasoncran]

Supreme Court has ruled statutory laws cannot apply to males. A male who is under age would get regular rape. Statutory rape is in place to punish those who have sex with a female minor because the government has ruled that a female minor is in much more of a risky place when having sex than a male.

It's something like Michael E. v State of Cali. I forget the exact case that ruled that.

well then that is odd, because that would mean that all the males in prison here for that deed would be free.

 

[Pard]

More likely than not they were using a public defender. It's a rather obscure ruling from back in the 1970s. But I bet statutory rape is a lot less severe than regular rape so the defense attorney just said "screw it". It's not a ruling that really helps anyone, at least not in CT (statutory is 10 maximum, regular is 25TL).

 

[jasoncran]

florida is pretty consertive . we have nailed pot heads and ship them off for thirty yrs. i dont agree with that but that is florida's judicial system.

ah i have one for you.

VERO BEACH — Before her trial on charges of having sex with a minor, a Vero Beach woman was offered a plea deal: 11 years in state prison, prosecutors said.
a.inline_topic:hover { background-color: #EAEAEA;}Denise Harvey, 40, refused, and a jury convicted her in July of having sex with a 16-year-old friend and baseball teammate of her teenage son. On Thursday, Circuit Judge Dan Vaughn sentenced her to more than twice the time she could have gotten under the plea deal.
Harvey "never acknowledged she had sex," with the teen, said Assistant State Attorney Lynn Sloan in calling for a strong sentence Thursday. "She continued to deny, deny."
Harvey didn't say a word while being led away to begin serving 30 years in state prison. Her private attorney, Robert Meadows, immediately filed for hearing to try to get her released from jail during an appeal. Vaughn said he'll schedule the hearing next week.
Meadows filed the appeal Thursday.
Harvey asked the judge to show mercy. Her son asked Vaughn for leniency. The boy's stepfather has a heart problem and Harvey "is pretty much all I got," the son said.
Before sentencing, Meadows said the teen consented to the sex and provided a place to meet. The attorney called on Vaughn to put her on community control, a non-jail sentence.
The teen boy and his relatives didn't appear at the hearing.
"It was too painful for his family to attend," Sloan said.
She was found guilty of having sex with a minor five times: four times at the youth's home and once at her office on U.S. 1 in 2006. Each count carried up to a 15-year sentence.
The judge ordered her to serve two terms consecutively, one after the other. The other three will be served at the same time.
During the trial, her husband testified she was just trying to counsel a troubled boy. Meadows told jurors she rejected his advances and he began stalking her.
The teen told jurors they flirted and then had a long kiss in a car in front of Vero Beach High School. Soon they began having sex in brief encounters between her work and his baseball games or attending athletic events, according to trial testimony

this happened in my hometown.

 

[Pard]

Handy,

Don't know why it just popped into my head, but if you'd like another parallel...

Most of my interaction with the younger girl is via the grocery store where she works. It's a bit expensive but I try to get there every Mon. and Thurs. after 4pm. She's a great selling point for the store because if her line is busy I just go back and find something else to buy while I wait for the person the clear out of her line.

Jason,

That pothead with 30 years is a 3 striker I bet, right? New York gave some guy LWOP for having 2 grams of pot because he was a third striker.

 

[handy]

Handy,

Don't know why it just popped into my head, but if you'd like another parallel...

Most of my interaction with the younger girl is via the grocery store where she works. It's a bit expensive but I try to get there every Mon. and Thurs. after 4pm. She's a great selling point for the store because if her line is busy I just go back and find something else to buy while I wait for the person the clear out of her line.

Yeah, I noticed that as well....it really does amaze me the parallels between your situation and my daughter's...

Let me ask you something, Ian...how would you feel if she were to go out to school dances or a party with another guy her age? Or sit at the lunch table with a guy her age?

 

[Pard]

Uh, I don't know. I want to say "I'd be fine with that". But I think that'd be a bit of a lie. I wouldn't resent anybody for it, but I don't know.

She's never dated anyone before, which I find rather amazing. I mean there must be some mighty stupid guys in her grade for her to have never been asked out by anyone before. She's a real pretty girl. I've got to imagine that either she keeps it on the down-low in school or else people don't like her personality. I know people who don't like her personality but I think it's delightful.

 

[handy]

I ask because Viola finds herself in this position all the time...

There are plenty of guy's who want to take her out...she even had a boyfriend for a brief while last summer...but she broke it off after a couple of weeks, mainly because she really only cares about Joe. When the other boy started taking a more serious interest in her...she backed away.

On the other hand, she has all of her high school years ahead of her now...complete with dances, proms, and she's entering that time of life when most kids do begin dating. With Joe being so much older than her, there is no possible way he can take her to any of these things...if they were within three years of each other, it could work, but there's just too much of an age difference and the school wouldn't allow it.

So, on the one hand, she's perfectly willing to wait for love...wait for her Joe. But, on the other hand, the idea of never going to school dances or proms with a special guy, just to have fun with, seems like she's missing out. Especially since so many of her friends are already dating. She knows that she would be chaperoned, but she's also finding out that there are still plenty of guy's willing to date her with her dad in tow...and going to a dance with someone is much more fun than going alone.

I think Joe would do pretty much what like what you said here: He'd say he'd be fine with it, and not resent it, but deep down inside it would tear him up. He doesn't date anyone...but at the same time, he hadn't met Viola during his high school years, so he's already had the experiences of going out on dates and proms and things like that.

What he is going through is seeing a lot of his buddies enter into serious relationship and even marry. He's set to be best man at his best friend's wedding next month. When he came to Viola's party a couple of weeks ago, he was talking with our usual ranch hand who is getting married in August. I know he is more than ready to settle down and be married, but, if he wants Viola, that can't happen for at least four years.

Whew...if they can survive the next four years...they'll be able to survive anything.

 

[jasoncran]

Handy,

Don't know why it just popped into my head, but if you'd like another parallel...

Most of my interaction with the younger girl is via the grocery store where she works. It's a bit expensive but I try to get there every Mon. and Thurs. after 4pm. She's a great selling point for the store because if her line is busy I just go back and find something else to buy while I wait for the person the clear out of her line.

Jason,

That pothead with 30 years is a 3 striker I bet, right? New York gave some guy LWOP for having 2 grams of pot because he was a third striker.

nope first time offense! this woman wasnt charged for pot but statutory rape. she fled with her son to canada pending appeal and bail. she hasnt been extradited. i find it hard for the law to punish her that hard as its not like that kid didnt volunteer to well "have fun" she isnt ugly for a forty yr and you know how the world is about teens and women that age. he wasnt traumitised. he bragged about it to his friends and his dad asked for leniency!