[__ Prayer __] unhealthy self-focus

[Christ_empowered]

I focus inward way, way, way too much. I had horrible experiences in mental hosptials. "treatment" was sheer, unadulterated cruelty (one hospital let me nearly die of a drug OD).

Now? I've been genuinely, truly saved (miracle!) for almost 5 years. I'm...doing what I can, and...God is good! It just gets...difficult.

God is good! I was short, homely, and prematurely aged back then. I'm now a decent height, more aesthetically pleasing in the face, not prematurely aged...I even have tons of hair now, and I -had- irreversible, scarring hair loss.

It doesn't help that I'm taunted. "too feminine," "got punked around," etc. I need social interaction, that's for sure. My mama said she'd talk to my dad about going w/ me to the big megachurch he likes, and then I can get involved in a smaller group or two. Sounds like a plan.

I -am- blessed, beyond measure. I live with my parents. They're now "genteel" or whatever. I don't spend tons of $$$, but their status and resources provides a "buffer" from an often hostile, always cold and uncaring, community (and really...world, now that I think about it...).

I just...gotta get over this. I suspect that I -do- have Schizophrenia, as much as any DSM label is accurate, for anyone, at any time. I focus inward too much, I'm prone to psychosis, I get horrible, low, dark moods. I'm down to an "atypical" tranquilizer, plus tons of vitamins (supposed to help curb side effects and help me get more out of "treatment..."). Overall...doing well!

My people are kind to me. I messed up, royally, age 17....all, all, all downhill from there. Welcome to America, Kiddo! OK...actually, anywhere but here, where I live now, I'd probably be either in a state hospital or prison. As is...I'm living on disability, with my parents, trying to...move forward, as best I can.

Ugh. I have -so- much to be thankful for. I just...need to focus first on Christ, then more on others. I don't have friends locally, so...that's not a good thing, either.

--sigh-- OK. Thanks for the prayers, support, etc. God is good!

 

[Eugene]

I just...need to focus first on Christ, then more on others. I don't have friends locally, so...that's not a good thing, either.

I hope you know my prayers are always in your corner, and that includes your family.
Christ first is always the way, but I think you said one of your counselors suggested for you to get into volunteer work, and that I suppose to acclimate you back into real life.
My personal thinking on your self-focus is that you are looking at you in the world instead of what God is doing in you to will and to do of His good pleasure. You are no longer of the world just as Jesus is not of this world (Jn 17:16). Do not expect the world to provide the peace you seek.
Blessings brother in Jesus' name.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, as always, Eugene.

Ugh. Mental Health, Inc. is...rough. The last time I went to see the counselor, some lady behind the front desk said I "don't impress her," under her breath. Such is life when you're an "uppity mental patient," I suppose.

I've actually been praying on being in the world, but not of it. When I was in and of the world, I was quickly destroyed. Only God's grace and mercy kept me going. By a miracle, I got genuinely saved. A bit less than 5 years later...miracles! I'm healthy, bright eyed, intelligent, reconciled to my (loving, long suffering, kind) parents, and...

...if anything, I seem to p!ss people off more -now- than I ever did when I was wretched, destroyed, down and out, etc. "Nothing personal," I suppose.

My counselor recommended the megachurch. I'm not too "good" for the megachurch, but...I've got some qualms. There was a hush hush lawsuit not too long ago. A local (Christian) university professor sued the megachurch over harassment, messing up an adoption, some other stuff. Ugh. I'm thinking it was settled out of court. The few times I've been there, I've gotten...some negative vibes. I dunno.

I just...ugh! I started w/ an estimated IQ of 120. Not bad, not brilliant. For a while there, I was below 100. Now, I'm estimated to be in a high(er) IQ range....and I have the severe mental illness, which...is what it is. More importantly, I've been forgiven, transformed both inside and out. God is good!

I just...well, this is who I am now, I guess...and -all- good things come from The Lord. I -was- the laughing stock of my community. Maybe I still am? I don't know. I -was- labeled w/ everyting in the book, except severe mental illness. narcissism, oppositional defiant disorder, add/adhd, on and on it went. Now...

...ugh. My "mental affliction" responds well to the newer tranquilizer. My parents are kind to me, and I'm increasingly kind to them, as well. I don't live/exist like I did before Jesus saved me (is saving me, I pray will save me...).

I don't know what to do, honestly. Work? Where? Doing...what? I've been spared a felony, so that's obviously a blessing, but who hires "mental patients" w/ my shady reputation and no recent work experience?

One thing at a time. One foot in front of the other. Worry not about the morrow, for each day brings with it evils enough of its own ((paraphrasing off the top of my head, btw)).

"Schizophrenia" is...well, -because- my parents are now more "well-to-do," it isn't terrible, I guess. I get disability, I get a little more breathing room. Still, its..."cruel compassion," I think is the term I'm looking for...a mixed bag, most definitely.

Thanks again, Eugene. Things are vastly improved in my world, that's for sure. Hopefully, one day...I'll be able to -move-, maybe (?). It'd be nice, that's for sure. Then again; wherever you go, there you are.