Very unhappy marriage

[Rachel Hall]

Hi.
I am new here. I was reading the submission thread but thought it might be better to start a new post. I don't want to be a doormat and there are other issues around our marriage but one of our major problems and the reason our marriage is breaking down is because of my incessant need to be right about everything. I have no respect for my husband as over the years he has worn me down. He doesn't listen to me at all and never seems to understand anything I say or feel. I know if I was more submissive we would fight less but there's so much resentment for all the years he has caused me pain. I think he has some sort of social disorder too which makes it harder for me to be submissive to decisions I don't trust! I should probably state that he is a non-Christian and has no desire to follow the biblical principle of " love your wife as Christ loves the church". He is after his own needs most of the time. We are on the edge of separation and we have a 7 year old daughter. It would ruin her life. What do I do?
Sorry to bring the discussion down! Found this site in desperation!
Rachel

 

[reba]

Been there done that for 51 years as of last week....
I am not sorry i have honored my commitment to the Lord...
I would love to have the love of a man.. I accepted i never will . He is who/what he is.... i know i am not perfect also.
Being married to Christian spouse will not solve every problem in a marriage... Sadly the church is full of divorced believers.
In the context of marriage my responsibility to the Lord is to be the best wife i can be.. i fail often ....
I am truly sorry for your situation i fully understand where you are... What ever decision you believe is right for you i do hope you find it...

 

[JeffS]

I totally understand the feeling of resentment part and not wanting to listen or respect him. I am sure that attitude has been earned by him over time. When I had some very hard feelings towards a person someone once told me to start praying for them and ask God to give me eyes to see that person the way he sees them. That helped me to feel less angry and resentful towards that person

 

[Nordica]

As it has been said here on this forum (and I've read it somewhere else also), marriage isn't about happiness, but it's about commitment. Of course, we want to be happy, but our true contentment can be only in Christ alone. There are always going to be areas, where there are trials and tribulations. For example, I have a wonderful and loving relationship with my husband, but I live with him in a foreign country that presently just crashes me down, making me weep and cry out to the Lord in tremendous pain, but God can turn everything around, no matter how hard it feels at times. He can change your situation, He can change my situation if we seek Him with all our hearts. I am praying for you that God would give you peace, guide you and grant you answers in your situation.

 

[eddif]

The ultimate reality is the bride of Christ. As a male I am still in the same shape as you. Every time Satan tempts me to use my senses to make decisions (untrained senses) I run the risk of not being a good bride.

As a bride of Christ I am asked to serve others; as a keeper at home. I am kept as his betrothed.

In the flesh I am a failure toward my wife. I see marriage as a means to see my wredchedness. This all draws us to Christ Jesus. Marriage is a shadow of our relationship with Him. Marriage is not the reality that drives our relationship to Him. The law was designed to draw us to Christ.

Now I await the shower of rotten eggs sure to flow from keyboards.

The jerk from Mississippi
eddif

 

[Nordica]

I see marriage as a means to see my wredchedness. This all draws us to Christ Jesus. Marriage is a shadow of our relationship with Him.
eddif

I would agree. Before being married I thought I was totally ok, but marriage showed me my weak traits, and at times I can behave really ugly. Marriage is for own refinement that can be quite painful, but it can draw us closer to Christ, so we could have a deeper relationship with Him that would bless us and our marriages.

 

[Chopper]

Hi Rachel and welcome to our loving Forum. You won't find all the answers to your marriage trouble, but you will find some. Especially with the advise and counsel from Reba. She is by far, the best example of a strong believer in Jesus married to an unsaved husband for over 50 years.

Should you SAC (start a conversation) with her, she would give you solid Biblical advise. She is in the process of moving out of State, so her time might be limited. As a Christian Psychologist myself, I doubt that I could give you better counsel than my dear friend and Sister Reba.

 

[Malachi]

Hi Rachel,

I should probably state that he is a non-Christian and has no desire to follow the biblical principle of " love your wife as Christ loves the church". He is after his own needs most of the time.

Evidently this is the crux of the matter.

I have no respect for my husband as over the years he has worn me down.

This is the opposite side of the coin, which will need to be addressed.

Evidently you wish to save your marriage, and if that is truly the case, then you will have to pay the price BEFORE you see any change in your husband, or see him come to salvation.

It would be best to sit down with at least two mature Christians brothers (preferable pastors or elders from your church who know the Scriptures and who also care about people) and lay all the "cards on the table". There are two sides to marital issues, and these men should be able (provided your husband is willing) to focus on all the relevant issues and show you both how to resolve them as Christ would resolve them.

Does your husband truly love you? Do you truly love him? (Evidently you both would not have married unless there were some mutual feelings to begin with). All of this should come out into the open (with the understanding that everything discussed is STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL, and the meeting is within your home).

Perhaps your husband needs to hear a clear presentation of the Gospel, and the jeopardy of his own soul, and the jeopardy to his marriage. Perhaps no one has ever really sat down with him and discussed the pertinent Scriptures. Perhaps you need to hear from the Word that regardless of the problem with the husband, the wife should obey the Word, and through her obedience (which also means respect for the husband) win her husband to Christ.

It is definitely going to cost you, but for the sake of your daughter, it will be worth a serious effort at bringing all this out into the open with at least two or three witnesses (which is what Scripture recommends). You should trust the Lord to use this to bring about the desired results, but it may not be quick or easy, and will require a lot of self-examination on both sides.

 

[jasonc]

there is NO promise that the unbelieving spouse will repent. and well Im married to a spouse that I don't think is saved.

 

[eddif]

I Corinthians 7:14
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

eddif

 

[jocor]

Hi.
I am new here. I was reading the submission thread but thought it might be better to start a new post. I don't want to be a doormat and there are other issues around our marriage but one of our major problems and the reason our marriage is breaking down is because of my incessant need to be right about everything. I have no respect for my husband as over the years he has worn me down. He doesn't listen to me at all and never seems to understand anything I say or feel. I know if I was more submissive we would fight less but there's so much resentment for all the years he has caused me pain. I think he has some sort of social disorder too which makes it harder for me to be submissive to decisions I don't trust! I should probably state that he is a non-Christian and has no desire to follow the biblical principle of " love your wife as Christ loves the church". He is after his own needs most of the time. We are on the edge of separation and we have a 7 year old daughter. It would ruin her life. What do I do?
Sorry to bring the discussion down! Found this site in desperation!
Rachel

This reply may come too late, but perhaps not.

I believe your problems stem from not forgiving him. You say you are filled with resentment from all the pain he has caused you. It sounds like you did not forgive him for individual past transgressions, but allowed a root of bitterness to grow in your heart. Those transgressions that hurt you are added to your list of transgressions you keep in your heart against him until you can't take it anymore.

If you truly want to heal your marriage, you need to forgive him even if you do not think he deserves it. We are commanded by our Savior to do just that or our Heavenly Father will not forgive us.

I offer this advice to you not knowing his side of the story. I realize he is not a believer, but neither were you when Yahweh through Yeshua forgave you.

Does he desire a separation or does he want to heal the marriage?

I highly suggest you humble yourself and he himself and open the lines of communication. Tell him that his actions hurt you, but that you forgive him. Apologize to him for things you know you did wrong to him and ask him to forgive you. Then seek out ways to avoid such problems in the future.

I'll be praying for you both. Shalom.

 

[reba]

Been there for 51+ years.. as unto the LORD .. not of myself..

Psa_51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

 

[Chopper]

Seems like I've seen this thread before.

 

[Brother Mike]

Seems like I've seen this thread before.

The post is old, no response from the OP.