Want my wife to be subservient to me, having small issues.

Discussion in 'Parenting & Marriage' started by Faithfulhusband, Jun 5, 2017.

  1. Faithfulhusband

    Faithfulhusband Member

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    My wife and I have been together or a few years now and we have several beautiful children. Our marriage is good, and we are a great team. Most days I think about how we are each others best friends and nothing could come between us. We are young, only now getting into our 30's so I'm excited to see how the rest of my life pans out with her.

    Anyway, the reason for the post is this... I was raised by parents who knew their roles. Dad was the hunter and mom was the gatherer. Dad worked his butt off and mom took care of EVERYTHING else there was. I barely remember her complaining about her role in life. It was her duty, and her duty could never be completed if it wasn't for my dad bringing home money. But my mom wasn't just the caregiver or the bill payer or dinner maker..she was sexually submissive as well and I only know this because later in life she admitted little things here and there over the years. Dad was happy in his marriage and so was mom. Going on 14 years now and still strong.

    My wife cooks like a champ. She cleans like a champ too but I want something more out of her. I want her to be subservient to me. 100% without question or nagging. I can say this without feeling bad because I believe I deserve it and I'll tell you why...

    1. I have never given up on her or our kids no matter what's happened or didn't happen.
    2. I have always made sure there was some sort of income even if it meant stooping down to taking out some else's trash.
    3. I took on the responsibility of raising her three kids from two other fathers, one of which causes a lot of drama and the other was the source of my insecurities for quite some time.
    4. I left my home behind and my family to stay in this state and start a life with her.
    5. I have always tried to build her up and support her in everything she does, including work and school and motherhood.
    6. I defend her honor against her family, who treats her rotten.
    7. I love her the ways she has always deserved to be loved
    8. I spoil her with compliments, gifts and attention as much as possible.
    9. I help her with as much as I can when I'm not working or tasked out.
    10. I'm fair, loyal and faithful.
    11. I keep her in the loop and always discuss things with her before they happen.
    12. I make her laugh and I have the patience of a saint.

    There are probably more but the list is already long enough. You get the point.

    Based off that list, I feel like I deserve to be treated the way I want. I have done nothing but right and good things. Even when I did mess up, I admitted it, took my punishment and made up for it x10 over. I have defended my country, I have been a wonderful father and a magnificent husband.

    I want her to be subservient in life and in bed. I feel like she is only giving me 50% of what I want.
     
  2. Knotical

    Knotical Staff Member Moderator

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    You may want to start by studying how to be a servant-leader before expecting others to act a certain way. Suddenly forcing this kind of ideology on your wife will not go over well.
     
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  3. reba

    reba Staff Member Administrator

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    I get the point you are becoming a jerk
     
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  4. calvin

    calvin Member

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    Very succinct but probably true.
     
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  5. calvin

    calvin Member

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    Hello calvin here
    You need to be careful what you ask for and thankful for what you have.
    You wish to change your wife? Have you the wisdom to engineer a better/perfect partner?
    Back in the beginning, God created Eve as a helper suitable for Adam, I don't see any mention of a door mat.
    I see you have posted a lengthy list of most of your positive attributes...Marriage relationships are not about lists.
    Marriage is about acceptance and commitment. Your wife sounds like a truly remarkable woman....she is putting up with you and your self portrait.
    My advice is to quit while you are ahead.
     
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  6. Faithfulhusband

    Faithfulhusband Member

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    Fair enough
     
  7. Faithfulhusband

    Faithfulhusband Member

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    For the record, I don't force her to do anything. She enjoys being submissive. Her and I have had some discussion about this before so she is aware of this and is on board
     
  8. Faithfulhusband

    Faithfulhusband Member

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    I would never turn my wife into a slave lol I'm not that kind of man.
     
  9. reba

    reba Staff Member Administrator

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    Eph_5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
    the clue is gave himself
    The control you seek is not Godly.. it will ruin your marriage..
    Because you dont know me i will tell you i fully believe in a husband being the head of the house.. that is not what you are asking..
     
  10. LovethroughDove

    LovethroughDove Member

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    I would be to embarrassed to say how wonderful a catch I am. That is great if you are, but it does't add to the case you're trying to make.

    We can't control how people are. Focus on what you have, not what you don't have. Glass half full.
     
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  11. wondering

    wondering Member

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    I'd just like to say that it sounds like a good relationship.
    How much do you require from her anyway?
    You've done a lot but so has she. I'm sure she also has a list tucked away somewhere.
    Appreciate her and don't ask for too much.
    You might end up with nothing...
     
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  12. wondering

    wondering Member

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    BTW

    You're SUPPOSED to do everything on your list !
     
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  13. JohnDB

    JohnDB Staff Member Moderator

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  14. Edward

    Edward Member

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    That's what I thought. It's a big list there but the man is supposed to be the man and serve the role. So he seems to be doing that, what is his reasonable duty as a man anyway. That's good as far as that goes, but don't expect an award for it.

    It sounds like you have a good wife, Brother. Don't mess it up by trying to dump a bunch more stuff on her shoulders. Doesn't scripture say something along these lines? Like if a man would desire to be a king to let him become as a servant?

    Maybe if you want her to treat you like a king, you should treat her like a princess, but without the obligation of her treating you like a king.
     
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  15. wondering

    wondering Member

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  16. reba

    reba Staff Member Administrator

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    1. I have never given up on her or our kids no matter what's happened or didn't happen.
    2. I have always made sure there was some sort of income even if it meant stooping down to taking out some else's trash.
    3. I took on the responsibility of raising her three kids from two other fathers, one of which causes a lot of drama and the other was the source of my insecurities for quite some time.
    4. I left my home behind and my family to stay in this state and start a life with her.
    5. I have always tried to build her up and support her in everything she does, including work and school and motherhood.
    6. I defend her honor against her family, who treats her rotten.
    7. I love her the ways she has always deserved to be loved
    8. I spoil her with compliments, gifts and attention as much as possible.
    9. I help her with as much as I can when I'm not working or tasked out.
    10. I'm fair, loyal and faithful.
    11. I keep her in the loop and always discuss things with her before they happen.
    12. I make her laugh and I have the patience of a saint.

    There was no need to post the striked out lines... they are put-downs to your wife.. Look at me i am a hero i take care of HER kids from different fathers ...
    Poor baby taking out trash this line shows how beneath you you believe this is..
    if you are 'staying' in the state you already left your family behind .. this statement show clearly the wife and kids are not your family
    was it really necessary to make sure you state her honor need defending..
    i dont read your list as fair it is one sided to the max
    most of the above statements show your lack of patience.
     
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  17. Not_Now.Soon

    Not_Now.Soon Member

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    I had a friend that went through a divorce. In that relationship he gave an gave and gave. But she was not good back and had frequent meltdowns, as well as yelling at him for any kind of thing. It got to the point that he felt like he was dead inside and had nothing left to give. He filed for divorce.

    The reason I'm telling you this is because marriage is a two way road. But your relationship does not sound like his. You have a good relationship. Don't be self serving, because that is not love. But instead look at 1 corenthians 13:4-7 and try to apply each discription to your sitution.

    The only other thing I can add is something you haven't said. I get it if you and your wife don't have any sex right now, and that you want more, or even want control so that you're garenteed more. Sex is a hard desire to turn away from or ignore. If this is the case and you are talking to her about your needs too, I'm sure that will be a good start. But here is my warning. If instead you try to control her to fit your desires, expect something bad to happen. Even if she agrees at first, we are greedy creatures and if given the "ok" by someone else; our greed unchecked can and has choked too many relationships and ended them badly. Take note of any failed relationship that you know of and have heard of. Take note of it so you don't repeat the same steps in those directions.

    *Sorry, I referenced a verse to look up but missed the chapter. Fixed it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2017
  18. civilwarbuff

    civilwarbuff Member

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    This is my first 'ehhh' right here:
    The math don't add up.......
     
  19. nadab

    nadab

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    When our Maker, Jehovah God created Adam (Gen 2:7), he later saw the need for him to have a "complement" or "help meet"(KJV), a wife, saying: "It is not good for the man to continue to be alone. I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him".(Gen 2:18) Upon creating Eve (meaning "Living One") from one of Adam's ribs (Gen 2:21), God brought Eve to Adam, in which Adam exclaimed: "This is at last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh".(Gen 2:23)

    Adam was very pleased to have her as his wife and whereby Genesis 2:24 says "that is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he will stick to his wife and they will become one flesh". Thus was the first marriage that eventually caused the "world" to come into existence.(Luke 11:50)

    Marriage mates are to work together as "one flesh", with the husband taking the lead in the family and the wife following his lead when his direction is guided by principles established by God, showing agape or self-sacrificing love, adhering to the pattern set by Jesus.(1 Pet 2:21) The apostle Paul, though not married, was inspired by Jehovah God to give Scriptural counsel on marriage.(Acts 13:9)

    He said for "wives (to) be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord" while "husbands (are to) continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation.......lov(ing) their wives as their own bodies".(Eph 5:22, 25, 28) The 32 page brochure "Your Family Can be Happy" (at JW dot org) gives this sound advice under the subtopic "Accept the Role Jehovah Gave You": "If you are a husband, Jehovah expects you to care for your wife tenderly.(1 Pet 3:7)......You must love your wife so much that you are willing to put her interests ahead of your own.(Eph 5:25-29)"

    If you are a wife, Jehovah expects you to respect your husband deeply and to help him fulfill his role.(1 Cor 11:3; Eph 5:33) "Under "What You Can Do" to the right, it says: "Ask your mate how you can be a better husband or wife. Listen carefully, and do what you can to improve. Be patient. It will take time both of you to learn how to make each other happy".

    And under the subtopic "Really Care About your Mate's Feelings", it says that "Treat your mate as precious, remembering that Jehovah requires his servants to be "gentle toward all".(2 Tim 2:24) "Thoughtless speech is like the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise is a healing".(Prov 12:18) Then under "What You Can Do" to the right, it says: "Pray for help to remain clam and to keep an open mind before discussing serious matters with your mate. Think carefully about what you will say and how you will say it".

    Under the subtopic "Think as a Team", it says: "When you get married, you become "one flesh"with your mate.(Matt 19:5) But you are still two individuals and may have different opinions, So, you need to learn to be united in your thoughts and feelings.(Phil 2:2) Unity is essential when making decisions. The Bible says: "By consultation, plans will succeed".(Prov 20:18) Let Bible principles guide you as you make important decisions together (Prov 8:32, 33)".

    To the right under "What You Can Do", it says: "Share your feelings with your mate, not just information or opinions. Consult with your mate before making commitments". The Bible further encourages husbands and wives to "be realistic and optimistic", asking yourself: "Can my mate sense that I care for him or her more than myself ? What have I done today to show love and respect my mate ?"

    So how does couples "solve problems" within the marriage ? Every marriage has its share of problems, but do we "throw our mate under the bus" when these arise ? Problems may result from differences in how each one thinks, feels, and approaches life. So, it can be tempting to avoid reality, but facing problems head-on with agape love, applying Bible principles, instead of veering away, will make for a strong marriage.

    Sit down (or stand up) and frankly but tactfully, discuss the problem, without throwing out accusations. Do not use "you" when discussing a troubling situation (such as "look at what you have done to me"), but how "we" (or "I", such as "I feel hurt by what has been said") can resolve this issue. Set an appropriate time to discuss the problem. When it is your time to listen, resist the urge to interrupt. You will get your turn to speak.

    Keep listening with an open mind, even if what you are hearing displeases you. Listen for the message behind the words (or "read between the lines"). Notice your mate's body language and tone of voice. Then follow through with what has been agreed upon. Decide what practical steps you will each take to solve your problem. From time to time, evaluate your progress.

    Ask yourself......What is the most urgent problem that I want to discuss with my mate ? What can I do to understand how my mate really feels about the problem ? There is the need to be ever vigilant in strengthening your relationship. As a couple, take the time to talk, commend, and carefully listen to each other.

    Be unselfish when it comes to your sexual relationship. Consider your mate's needs, in which the Bible says: "Do not not deprive each other except by mutual consent".(1 Cor 7:3-5) Discuss the subject honestly between you and your spouse.

    Concerning children, make it easy for them to talk to you, trying to understand what they really are saying. And both parents (or step parents), need to present a united front, not disagreeing in the presence of the children, but discussing any differences privately.
     
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  20. wondering

    wondering Member

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    she has three children from two previous partners.
     
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