Christ_empowered
Member
I was 17 or 18 when I was first diagnosed with Narcissism (NPD). At that age, compassionate care, counseling, etc. can help tremendously. But...my people were "rinky dink middle class" (other peoples' words, not mine) and I was kind of homely, so I got drugs. Lots and lots of drugs...Klonopin, Ambien, Sonata, Adderall, antidepressants, mood stabilizers, "atypical" antipsychotics. By 19, I had twitched and tics (a weird form of tardive dyskinesia), a stiff gait ("thorazine shuffle"), and obvious brain damage. Apparently, the doctor had first estimated an IQ of 120, which is respectable, good enough for college-level work, but not really high. I was put in a private, for profit mental hospital and given heavy shock treatments and who knows what else. They kept me until my insurance ran out, took me off the insurance, turned my family against me, and discharged me. I was 20. I was drugged up, dead eyed, and I had maybe a 95 IQ.
For about 2 years, I lived in a small, southern college town, near my parents. Somehow, lots of people came to know that I was narcissistic. The counselors and shrinks encouraged people to "give me a hard time," in part because they knew I wasn't on the meds (the idea, apparently, was to "break" me, "wound" me, and then keep me "comfortably numb"). I was also expected to be dead by 23.
At 23,I tried going back to the city to finish a degree. I was hated there. Burned out, stupid. I looked 27, easy. I lost a lot of weight and turned weirdly pretty for some reason (looking back, I suspect some weird hormonal thing). I was attacked (bashed on the head with a pipe in the ghetto), almost jumped off a bridge, and found myself in a (supposedly "good") mental hospital. I was again heavily shocked, and this time only kept 5 days (state minimum).
At 24, I attacked my dad. Terrible, sinful, horrible thing to do. I was just...broken. Obviously brain damaged, sick and sickly, and I felt trapped. Stay home, go to a hospital where they'll once again hurt me. Couldn't work, had no real friends. My dad seemed to hate me, too. We had a confrontation, and I attacked him. Eventually, I got to go to Teen Challenge for 1 year, do community service, and get the whole thing dropped and record erased. I did it. Teen Challenge was great for me. I mean, it wasn't the ideal place for me, but...they were good to me, and they planted seeds.
I spent a year in a small-ish town out of state. I was socially isolated, traumatized, and miserable. I moved back home once the lease was up. There was, understandably, a lot of tension between my parents and me. I freaked out and sent emails to an ex-shrink. I was being harassed, the details of my treatment had been released to people around me...basically, I was considered a "trouble maker," so they put me through Hell.
This time around, my dad hired a good attorney. The ex-shrink wanted my head on a silver platter. I ended up wtih a (serious, class A) misdemeanor and a whole lotta probation time. I was arrested 3 years ago and barely bonded out. Once I got to the little apt. I was living in, it finally dawned on me: those Teen Challenge people are on to something. Get saved. I mustered up as much humility as I possibly could and said my own version of The Sinner's Prayer. I cried, felt better. Things heated up in my neighborhood, so I moved back in with my parents. They weren't exactly happy to have me, especially my mother.
1 year after I was arrested, I plead guilty to the misdemeanor. That was 2 years ago. I've been with the same counselor and shrink for a while now. Its a community/public mental health place. They deal with everything from relatively mild depression to people who live in group homes and have been discharged from the state mental hospital. Their opinion is...Bipolar I w/psychotic features. I was apparently sick for a long time, even before I went to college. This is the longest I've ever been properly treated and stable. NPD was an issue. It happens. I was a pretty, obviously queer kid from a working class, intellectual bohemian family. In the Bible Belt. As much as I used to blame my parents for everything, I realize now...sick communities create sick people. I did have problems from a young age, and I was always punished for them.
Now...well, the thing about NPD is that most pros won't actually talk to the NPD person about it. They'll put it in your records, tell other people (at least in my situation), but they won't address it with you, the patient ("client" as they say at the community mental health clinic). The first and only time a shrink addressed the issue with me was when my former shrink (she's moved) at the clinic read off my diagnoses: Bipolar I, OCD, and Narcissistic Traits. I should note that OCD is common with NPD. Anyway, she looked at me and...well, I said OK. I had narcissism. Maybe I still do. that was nearly 3 years ago now. She wrote me an Rx for Luvox (an antidepressant used mostly for OCD) and sent me on my way.
Now...its different. I'm different. I got saved 3 years ago, and now...well, I seem to have been healed of NPD. I'm also physically healthy and intelligent, which is miraculous. I get along well with my parents and most other people, too. The actual mental illness--the clinic people swear it's Bipolar I, not Schizophrenia--is still present, but I respond well to fairly standard treatment, no big deal there. I don't have OCD now. I now have "obsessive traits," which are (thank God) only an issue during a bad mood episode.
My current counselor sees hope for me. He's a Born Again Christian, masters of divinity, all that. He doesn't try to control me or anything, but I do get the sense that he wants to steer me towards a productive, engaged life. That's what I want, too.
I don't know...I don't know how NPD people are supposed to get better, the way many of us/them are treated by secular mental health people. The dogma on NPD changes over time. Back in the day, it was considered treatable with empathy and boundary setting. When I was diagnosed, it was seen as un-treatable; the best one could hope for was some insight, some empathy, treat the depression and OCD with periodic antidepressant Rx. Now the pendulum seems to be swinging back towards treatable w/ compassionate talk therapy, probably because now Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is gaining popularity over Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
I don't think Jesus' plan for NPD "treatment" has changed. It would take a miracle for me to get saved. I got that miracle, thank God, and now I've been demonstrably transformed by Christ. Jesus tells all His children--perhaps especially those of us who have been given the NPD label--to die to self daily. Think more of the other person than you think of yourself. Turn the other cheek. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Secular shrinks and counselors change their methods, their outlook; they change with the trends, with the seasons. Jesus is the same now as he was 2,000 years ago.
I do take meds, of course. Not all psychiatric treatment is terrible. Not all counselors are vicious and domineering (but many are). I sometimes wonder how many brain cells I have, but then I think: God has done, is doing, and will do what is right. And then I calm down.
I will say that not being NPD seems to require the impossible: becoming a different person. Honestly, that's what appealed to me about Christianity, above and beyond anything else. Total and complete transformation. Its only fairly recently that I've come to see that I was a wretched, unrepentant sinner in desperate need of forgiveness and right relationship with God. Now, I can spot my pride, self-love, self-centeredness better. I care about other people, I think about what other people are going through. I pray for other people...even my enemies. I can see Sin and the ill effects of Sin. I can look back and say: why, yes, this is what sin does to people...what sin did to me. And that makes me appreciate Jesus. I sometimes think about Heaven, but mostly...mostly I think about here and now, and how Christian morality makes a huge difference in peoples' lives.
I'm definitely a work in progress. I think I may have to move in a few years, if possible. I don't know where, though, and right now...well, right now I enjoy living at home, and I get the sense that I'm finally learning how to be a normal, engaged, productive adult (no, really). My people love me and I love them and that alone is (yet another) miracle.
If you've made it this far...well, I'll wrap it up. Just remember, the next time you deal with a wretch, especially one with labels (junkie, NPD, Schizophrenic, loser, bum, queer, burn out, etc.), do what you can to make a difference, even if all you can do is pray for them (hopefully on a regular basis).
For about 2 years, I lived in a small, southern college town, near my parents. Somehow, lots of people came to know that I was narcissistic. The counselors and shrinks encouraged people to "give me a hard time," in part because they knew I wasn't on the meds (the idea, apparently, was to "break" me, "wound" me, and then keep me "comfortably numb"). I was also expected to be dead by 23.
At 23,I tried going back to the city to finish a degree. I was hated there. Burned out, stupid. I looked 27, easy. I lost a lot of weight and turned weirdly pretty for some reason (looking back, I suspect some weird hormonal thing). I was attacked (bashed on the head with a pipe in the ghetto), almost jumped off a bridge, and found myself in a (supposedly "good") mental hospital. I was again heavily shocked, and this time only kept 5 days (state minimum).
At 24, I attacked my dad. Terrible, sinful, horrible thing to do. I was just...broken. Obviously brain damaged, sick and sickly, and I felt trapped. Stay home, go to a hospital where they'll once again hurt me. Couldn't work, had no real friends. My dad seemed to hate me, too. We had a confrontation, and I attacked him. Eventually, I got to go to Teen Challenge for 1 year, do community service, and get the whole thing dropped and record erased. I did it. Teen Challenge was great for me. I mean, it wasn't the ideal place for me, but...they were good to me, and they planted seeds.
I spent a year in a small-ish town out of state. I was socially isolated, traumatized, and miserable. I moved back home once the lease was up. There was, understandably, a lot of tension between my parents and me. I freaked out and sent emails to an ex-shrink. I was being harassed, the details of my treatment had been released to people around me...basically, I was considered a "trouble maker," so they put me through Hell.
This time around, my dad hired a good attorney. The ex-shrink wanted my head on a silver platter. I ended up wtih a (serious, class A) misdemeanor and a whole lotta probation time. I was arrested 3 years ago and barely bonded out. Once I got to the little apt. I was living in, it finally dawned on me: those Teen Challenge people are on to something. Get saved. I mustered up as much humility as I possibly could and said my own version of The Sinner's Prayer. I cried, felt better. Things heated up in my neighborhood, so I moved back in with my parents. They weren't exactly happy to have me, especially my mother.
1 year after I was arrested, I plead guilty to the misdemeanor. That was 2 years ago. I've been with the same counselor and shrink for a while now. Its a community/public mental health place. They deal with everything from relatively mild depression to people who live in group homes and have been discharged from the state mental hospital. Their opinion is...Bipolar I w/psychotic features. I was apparently sick for a long time, even before I went to college. This is the longest I've ever been properly treated and stable. NPD was an issue. It happens. I was a pretty, obviously queer kid from a working class, intellectual bohemian family. In the Bible Belt. As much as I used to blame my parents for everything, I realize now...sick communities create sick people. I did have problems from a young age, and I was always punished for them.
Now...well, the thing about NPD is that most pros won't actually talk to the NPD person about it. They'll put it in your records, tell other people (at least in my situation), but they won't address it with you, the patient ("client" as they say at the community mental health clinic). The first and only time a shrink addressed the issue with me was when my former shrink (she's moved) at the clinic read off my diagnoses: Bipolar I, OCD, and Narcissistic Traits. I should note that OCD is common with NPD. Anyway, she looked at me and...well, I said OK. I had narcissism. Maybe I still do. that was nearly 3 years ago now. She wrote me an Rx for Luvox (an antidepressant used mostly for OCD) and sent me on my way.
Now...its different. I'm different. I got saved 3 years ago, and now...well, I seem to have been healed of NPD. I'm also physically healthy and intelligent, which is miraculous. I get along well with my parents and most other people, too. The actual mental illness--the clinic people swear it's Bipolar I, not Schizophrenia--is still present, but I respond well to fairly standard treatment, no big deal there. I don't have OCD now. I now have "obsessive traits," which are (thank God) only an issue during a bad mood episode.
My current counselor sees hope for me. He's a Born Again Christian, masters of divinity, all that. He doesn't try to control me or anything, but I do get the sense that he wants to steer me towards a productive, engaged life. That's what I want, too.
I don't know...I don't know how NPD people are supposed to get better, the way many of us/them are treated by secular mental health people. The dogma on NPD changes over time. Back in the day, it was considered treatable with empathy and boundary setting. When I was diagnosed, it was seen as un-treatable; the best one could hope for was some insight, some empathy, treat the depression and OCD with periodic antidepressant Rx. Now the pendulum seems to be swinging back towards treatable w/ compassionate talk therapy, probably because now Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is gaining popularity over Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
I don't think Jesus' plan for NPD "treatment" has changed. It would take a miracle for me to get saved. I got that miracle, thank God, and now I've been demonstrably transformed by Christ. Jesus tells all His children--perhaps especially those of us who have been given the NPD label--to die to self daily. Think more of the other person than you think of yourself. Turn the other cheek. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Secular shrinks and counselors change their methods, their outlook; they change with the trends, with the seasons. Jesus is the same now as he was 2,000 years ago.
I do take meds, of course. Not all psychiatric treatment is terrible. Not all counselors are vicious and domineering (but many are). I sometimes wonder how many brain cells I have, but then I think: God has done, is doing, and will do what is right. And then I calm down.
I will say that not being NPD seems to require the impossible: becoming a different person. Honestly, that's what appealed to me about Christianity, above and beyond anything else. Total and complete transformation. Its only fairly recently that I've come to see that I was a wretched, unrepentant sinner in desperate need of forgiveness and right relationship with God. Now, I can spot my pride, self-love, self-centeredness better. I care about other people, I think about what other people are going through. I pray for other people...even my enemies. I can see Sin and the ill effects of Sin. I can look back and say: why, yes, this is what sin does to people...what sin did to me. And that makes me appreciate Jesus. I sometimes think about Heaven, but mostly...mostly I think about here and now, and how Christian morality makes a huge difference in peoples' lives.
I'm definitely a work in progress. I think I may have to move in a few years, if possible. I don't know where, though, and right now...well, right now I enjoy living at home, and I get the sense that I'm finally learning how to be a normal, engaged, productive adult (no, really). My people love me and I love them and that alone is (yet another) miracle.
If you've made it this far...well, I'll wrap it up. Just remember, the next time you deal with a wretch, especially one with labels (junkie, NPD, Schizophrenic, loser, bum, queer, burn out, etc.), do what you can to make a difference, even if all you can do is pray for them (hopefully on a regular basis).
