Where does the line end?

[felix]

Hmmm. I suppose I could try that.....

It's just that when I try to talk to him about growing up and maturing, he gets angry and says things like" You just do what I tell you, whether you're seventeen or seventy."

I just find it really hard to talk to him about what I truly want to do in life because it stands in stark contrast with how sheltered and close to home he wants me to be. I guess I could find a way to say it to him indirectly maybe...

You still haven't told anyone whether your father will allow you to go to college or keep you in home. What will you do if your father does not give you money for your disobedience of going out against his wishes.

 

[theLords]

You still haven't told anyone whether your father will allow you to go to college or keep you in home. What will you do if your father does not give you money for your disobedience of going out against his wishes.

The beauty of being an adult is you work to make your own money.

 

[theLords]

Hmmm. I suppose I could try that.....

It's just that when I try to talk to him about growing up and maturing, he gets angry and says things like" You just do what I tell you, whether you're seventeen or seventy."

I just find it really hard to talk to him about what I truly want to do in life because it stands in stark contrast with how sheltered and close to home he wants me to be. I guess I could find a way to say it to him indirectly maybe...

[video=youtube;zfXgCx3f_1c]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfXgCx3f_1c[/video]

This video is about a young Christian named Katie who was called by God to move to Uganda to do His work. In it she describes how her father was strictly against her doing this, the Lord said to her--either you listen to Me or your father.

There comes a point where you have to follow your own God given path. You have a plan from God over your life. Your father would be the one in sin (not you) for keeping you from fulling your role in this earth (whatever it may be).

 

[felix]

The beauty of being an adult is you work to make your own money.

Very true. How can she think about going out without planning for finances esp. without having a job. With many losing jobs and it's not a good time for her to waste his father's money, why is she not co-operative to her father? The worst thing here is, she is being supported for her disobedience, inspite of her father's insecurity. Has she considered the fact, if her father loses the job of became unstable, what is her situation and her role on that?


(Luke 14:28-30) "For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has [enough] to finish [it -- ] lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see [it] begin to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.'

 

[felix]

[video=youtube;zfXgCx3f_1c]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfXgCx3f_1c[/video]

This video is about a young Christian named Katie who was called by God to move to Uganda to do His work. In it she describes how her father was strictly against her doing this, the Lord said to her--either you listen to Me or your father.

There comes a point where you have to follow your own God given path. You have a plan from God over your life. Your father would be the one in sin (not you) for keeping you from fulling your role in this earth (whatever it may be).

I can't imagine you comparing her going out against her father's will to someone doing 'God's work' against her father's will. I don't think she is going out for doing any missionary work to say it's God's will but to 'live her life'. I hope you know what that means...

 

[theLords]

Very true. How can she think about going out without planning for finances esp. without having a job.

She isn't. She's planning on getting a job. And if she goes to college, she's eligible for financial aid, grants, loans, scholarships, and work-study programs on top of having a job.

With many losing jobs and it's not a good time for her to waste his father's money, why is she not co-operative to her father? The worst thing here is, she is being supported for her disobedience, inspite of her father's insecurity. Has she considered the fact, if her father loses the job of became unstable, what is her situation and her role on that?

Instead of teaching this Christian to worry with your "what if's" (what ifs are nothing but Satan's tool for causing distrust in God), why not affirm her to learn how to rely and trust in God.

This is America. Lack of money is no reason not to do something. Who said her father was going to pay for her education? You cannot sit in judgement and state she is in disobedience because you are not God and do not know her heart.

Worry comes from the evil one. Don't teach others to worry. You know, little ones, millstones, stumbling and all that.

 

[theLords]

I can't imagine you comparing her going out against her father's will to someone doing 'God's work' against her father's will. I don't think she is going out for doing any missionary work to say it's God's will but to 'live her life'. I hope you know what that means...

She has a God-given plan and purpose for her life. If she becomes a receptionist working at a law firm, she still has her role in God's kingdom, that she must fulfill.

 

[Nick]

You still haven't told anyone whether your father will allow you to go to college or keep you in home. What will you do if your father does not give you money for your disobedience of going out against his wishes.

She can get a job, and btw I'm pretty sure America has financial aid for college just like we do in Australia.

 

[felix]

theLords, I am not against her going to college and learn for higher studies. This is why I am asking her, did her father not allow her to college, which I am yet to get an answer. Her father sending her to college to learn to be in a hostel or college accommodation (if any), is very different from she wanting to go out on her own.

what ifs are nothing but Satan's tool for causing distrust in God

That's not Satan's tool. It's 'being cautious' and not being over optimistic.

Luke 14:28 - "What if" a man started to build a tower and not able to complete?
Luke 14:31 - "What if" a king went to war without having enough army to face the invading enemy?

 

[felix]

She can get a job, and btw I'm pretty sure America has financial aid for college just like we do in Australia.

I agree. But my point is different. Going to college/hostel and learning is very different from going away from home.

Students living on their own - when temp/casual opportunity which they work closes and actual living expenses grows, they tend to concentrate on earning more rather than studying and eventually, not scoring good marks by not concentrating things that they are supposed to. My wife studied in Flinders University in Adelaide and she used to say about some classmates, where they used to drive different shops in different parts of the city usually long distances and sometimes outer suburbs even late nights to earn very little just to meet their basic needs. It's not a pleasant experience but a dangerous financial burden where they will be more tempted to go into wrong way to earn quick money. This is why I am advising the author of the OP to take her father's advise and not move out and live on her own but to be in patience until she has the ability to stand on her foot and if possible help even ease her father's financial situations. In my personal opinion, until a son/daughter gets a permanent job in a good company, s/he must be always supported by his/her parents, irrespective of what they earn because, if they stumble, they will always keep parents informed who will be ready to help.

I am against her father 'if' he does not allow her to college, which I don't think is the case. Her motive of this post is for driving around on her own and her father not allowing her to get a license. Well, to be practical, I think in ACT (not sure of the costs at US), it costed me ~35$ to get a learner license and for actual classes, 65$ per hour and 16 classes are mandatory which amounts to 1040$. Considering his father's insecurity, it is not good from her father's perspective to make her daughter learn and drive his car around as he needs to spend for more important things.

 

[Nick]

I agree. But my point is different. Going to college/hostel and learning is very different from going away from home.

Students living on their own - when temp/casual opportunity which they work closes and actual living expenses grows, they tend to concentrate on earning more rather than studying and eventually, not scoring good marks by not concentrating things that they are supposed to. My wife studied in Flinders University in Adelaide and she used to say about some classmates, where they used to drive different shops in different parts of the city usually long distances and sometimes outer suburbs even late nights to earn very little just to meet their basic needs. It's not a pleasant experience but a dangerous financial burden where they will be more tempted to go into wrong way to earn quick money. This is why I am advising the author of the OP to take her father's advise and not move out and live on her own but to be in patience until she has the ability to stand on her foot and if possible help even ease her father's financial situations. In my personal opinion, until a son/daughter gets a permanent job in a good company, s/he must be always supported by his/her parents, irrespective of what they earn because, if they stumble, they will always keep parents informed who will be ready to help.

I am against her father 'if' he does not allow her to college, which I don't think is the case. Her motive of this post is for driving around on her own and her father not allowing her to get a license. Well, to be practical, I think in ACT (not sure of the costs at US), it costed me ~35$ to get a learner license and for actual classes, 65$ per hour and 16 classes are mandatory which amounts to 1040$. Considering his father's insecurity, it is not good from her father's perspective to make her daughter learn and drive his car around as he needs to spend for more important things.

Point taken, and I don't want to argue in this thread. I will say however, that many people I know have or are living on campus and are doing fine. I agree that it can be hard to juggle study and work, especially if you're not supported by parents, particularly financially. But it can be done.

 

[7teenyearsold]

Sorry, everyone. I should have made it clearer about whether my dad forbids me to go to college or not. I explained in the Teen thread, but not here. My fault.

Here's the bigger picture:

My dad said I'll go to college when he decides and in the meantime, he will probably want me to study at home to earn a medical coding license. Although I do not want to be a medical coder, I would not mind doing this so much except for the fact that it means I'll basically be at home all day.

My 19 year old sister is currently doing this and I do not want to take the same path. She is inside the house all day and cannot he even go for a walk around the neighborhood because my dad doesn't like her to go anywhere alone.

My dad doesn't realize how his overprotectiveness is fustrating us. I'm currently working on scholarships and trying to get into a university without him knowing.
But it's hard to find scholarships when I don't have any extracurriculars because every time I want to go to an after school meeting, he makes a big deal out of it...

 

[felix]

Sorry, everyone. I should have made it clearer about whether my dad forbids me to go to college or not. I explained in the Teen thread, but not here. My fault.

Here's the bigger picture:

My dad said I'll go to college when he decides and in the meantime, he will probably want me to study at home to earn a medical coding license. Although I do not want to be a medical coder, I would not mind doing this so much except for the fact that it means I'll basically be at home all day.

My 19 year old sister is currently doing this and I do not want to take the same path. She is inside the house all day and cannot he even go for a walk around the neighborhood because my dad doesn't like her to go anywhere alone.

My dad doesn't realize how his overprotectiveness is fustrating us. I'm currently working on scholarships and trying to get into a university without him knowing.
But it's hard to find scholarships when I don't have any extracurriculars because every time I want to go to an after school meeting, he makes a big deal out of it...

You have a responsible and a good dad. Did you say to your dad what you want to become? It is also good to know for us in the forum what you are planning to learn and the path you take and compare it with your father's.

I was reading an article on the other day how young girls in developed countries end up in strip clubs and prostitution and it came to light that 90% of these girls are forced into such scenarios by their own classmates (not outsiders). A good christian girl was called by her friend who is a guy who said that he will drop at her home in his car. Instead, he took her to some other place and had sex with her. What she does not know is she had been secretly filmed. The next day she was shown some photos of her naked photos and asked her to come to a location the next day where some other guys had sex and dance naked before them. Soon, the guy who had the film asked her to satisfy other customers for money. Now, she cries with tears. What I said did not happen in a developing or under-developed country, but the very country you live in. Unfortunately, 'what if he is bad, after all he is a schoolmate' is termed as 'Satanic tool' by theLords.

I don't see any mistake in your father. He is a very good and a loving father. You will know how much he loved you only when you have kids like your age. Certain people does not know to express love and does not express love the way we expect but their love will come to light only when they are no more. So, I as a loving father of 2 daughters (one is 4 and another is on the way), will do the same and will not allow them alone where they could become a prey.

As I said, if you have an interest in different course which has an opportunity for you to get a job, speak with your father. Sometimes, for example, if your interest is of going to a music college to become a singer, it could be absolute crap. You must also look into opportunities for earning and aim higher which I can see clearly that your father is doing the right thing.

 

[Mike]

7teen, you said your father is an orphan, and I assumed he was an only-child. Is this the case, or does he have any siblings who could shed some light on his mindset? Does he have any family who could do that for you? Would your mother say he's always been this over-protective, and yes this is being over-protective, since she's known him?

Is there a cultural element to this? I know some cultures have immigrated to America with male dominant tendencies which remain with generations. I could get my head around that, but if not, I can't understand why someone would in American society.

 

[handy]

I disagree that your father is NOT a "responsible and good Dad" since he cannot even "allow" a 19 year old woman to take a walk around the neighborhood.

And no, not every woman who wants to go to college, drive, become a healthy adult become strippers or are raped. Millions of girls go off to college everyday...they work hard and become successful. I worked my own way through college. It is indeed doable!

You might have to go the path a good friend of mine is going. He works as a courtesy clerk for a grocery store. He saves up his money and then takes classes as he can afford them. It might take him a little while longer to graduate, especially since he is taking a break from the law enforcement degree he is working on to concentrate on his phenomenal art skills. He has picked up a few scholarships along the way, but it's just taking some extra time. In the end, he will be just as successful as someone whose folks paid the way...and probably have a much better work ethic and appreciation for what he's achieved.

Another thing that would be very helpful for you is for you to become part of a church. I know you have said that your father keeps you home and encourages home bible study, but if you become part of a church, preferably one with a college ministry, you might find both Christian fellowship as well as practical help. I know that the church I go to has a certain amount of funds for college kids. It's not much, but it sure can buy textbooks and that's a big help!

Also, what about your mother's relatives? Do you have any maternal grandparents or aunt/uncles that can possibly help you out?

I, too am interested if your family comes from a different culture than American.

I do feel for your Dad. My husband deals with both seizures and with anxiety disorders...and, if he wasn't challenged by his very loving family to overcome things, he might very well slip into the type of paranoia it sounds as if your father has.

But, it is up to your mother to help your father meet his emotional/psychological needs, not you. You definitely owe him respect to live as he demands while under his roof, and certainly owe him plenty of love and encouragement that, in spite of the fact that you are going off on your own, you do love him....but you don't owe living a life stuck in a house working at a job you don't desire, just because he has some deep seated emotional issues, or some ungodly cultural binds.

 

[felix]

7teenyearsold, I believe I made my way of looking things and advice you based on it is clear.

I don't want to debate or dispute other's advise but there is one advice I would like to make before I leave this thread: If you want something or not sure what to do in any situation, just pray to God for His will and leave the burden to Him. Don't go against anyone including your father. If it's God's will that you need to come out and live on your own, He will make it happen through your own father where he will say a warm good-bye and you would have not hurt anyone. If it is not God's will, please don't go against God's will. So, my only advise before I leave is, just pray to God and tell Him your desires and He will fulfill them.

 

[Pizzaguy]

I'm 17 years old and a senior in high school and a straight A student. I'm going to turn eighteen in the winter of 2012.

My dad does not want me to drive so I don't have my permit or any driving experience outside of the manuals I've been reading. So far I have the basics down and the road signs and rules from the reading I've been doing. My dad is somewhat insecure and doesn't allow anyone in the family to drive besides himself, even my mom and my sister who is 19 and already has her high school diploma. I think he's afraid that we may leave him if he allows us to drive because he grew up an orphan, not knowing his mother or father.

I do plan on leaving eventually and going to college to begin my own life, but I won't just pick up and run away once I get my license. He does all the driving from taking us to the grocery store or and other places, but when he doesn't feel like going to places such as my friend's house or after school clubs, then I simply can't go.

I asked him to let me take the driver's ed class my high school offers for free, but he said something along the lines of "I don't have your mother driving, so why would I let you drive?" When I say I want to learn how to drive, he doesn't take me seriously and makes jokes about learning how to ride a bike first.

I am trying to be God-fearing and I know that I'm required to obey my father, but it is becoming really hard to do because I feel like he is trying to control my life and keep me at home forever. I am considering moving out when I'm 18, getting into a college and learning how to drive while I'm there. But I don't know if this rebellion in the eyes of God, because my dad would forbid these actions.

I try to be respectful of God, both of my parents and be hardworking. I love my dad and don't want to upset him. Any advice?

Sorry, I posted this twice because it was not showing up.

What I am going to say, I say withe the following for you to keep in mind:
1) I have not read the thread, just this post.
2) I am a 51 year old father to two sons in their late 20's.
3) I've been a Christian for 34 years.
4) I am taking what you posted as "the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth".... if you have misrepresented anything in that post, you have caused me to error. (If it was unintentional, fine, but remember that the rule still applies.)


Your father has some serious emotional or mental issues. He has made statements or decisions that contradict the idea that he has your best future interests at heart. It is obvious that he sees life thru the cloud of some past hurts or damage done to him that he has not overcome.

You have honored him well. It is time for you to become an adult and now honor God with your life. WHile you should not do anything to hurt him in any way, it's time to become less your earthly father's child while not becoming any less your heavenly Father's child.

God has great things in store for you, and your earthly father is working to keep you from them. Don't allow that to happen.

I feel sorry for your father, his hurts, the damage done to him, is probably great. But I detest seeing this hurt extended to you.

I believe the life experiences you've had to this point, combined with those you are about to have in "spreading your wings" will form the foundation that will make you a good, loving and successful person.

I wish you all the best and urge you to move on when the time comes. Be an example to those around you!

 

[7teenyearsold]

Hello, everyone.

I've been trying to post these last couple of days, but when I typed in my username and password, the website did not log me in, and instead it just went to the homepage. I don't know if anyone else was having these problems also, or if it is just me, but that's why I have not commented yet.

@Mike. My mom has told me that my dad was not like this when she met him and in the earlier years of their marriage. I myself even remember that he was not so stressed and overly anxious. As far as culture goes, I am African-American. But I know that our background is not playing a role in my dad's decisions.

@Handy. You're right, and I'm not worried about that happening when I go to college. I think that probably only happens to people who have bad associations and put themselves out there. Someone could set my house on fire, but that does not mean we shouls live underground.

@Felix. I agree with what you said about trusting in God and praying. I believe that God has been helping me because when I talk to my father
lately, he has been more willing to see from a different point of view and reasoning than he normally is. Still, I think that I should look for scholarships and help myself at the same time. I also believe that God wants us to try to make an effort to improve our situations although we do ask for his guidance and assistance. My situation is by no means as horrible as slavery, but if slaves did not do anything to help themselves, they may still be in bondage today.

@Pizzaguy.Thanks for taking the time to consider the situation. I am going to move on and continue to look for scholarships. Hopefully, God will help me and put it into my father's heart to not be upset.

When I go to college, I want to do something in the medical field where I can save lives but I do not know specifically what yet. I know this post is pretty short considering how long I've been away. I'll try to post more later on.

 

[bigllama]

If you think you might have financial difficulties, you should look into co-op programs, where you alternate semesters of studying and working. The work will hopefully allow you to pay of a large chunk of your tuition, and you also gain some valuable work experience along the way. The only downside would be that these programs are generally 5 years instead of 4 (or at least that's how it is in Canada). Also, if you're worried about having enough extracurricular activities, try joining clubs/societies that meet at lunch time.

 

[SMOOCH]

The best thing about being college bound is the fact that while your away you get to be an adult. Your parents are not there to make the day to day decisions. Although there are other means of transportation for you to use to travel, I do understand how important it is to be a licensed teenager. Once you get settled into school and those first term grades come out, simply have a conversation with him letting him know your going to work on getting your license and ask him why he is so against you driving.