You never knew Him! I don't propose to change you. Having been a Christian for 40 years and being baptized with His Holy Spirit for that same amount of time, less a few weeks. I read many posts, testimonies, statements and questions on various Christianity forums and find it interesting, well sad, how many people abandon God without ever having known Him at all. I was brought to knowledge of Jesus outside of any church or denomination. I'd heard things of Him of course as a child and went to Sunday school a few times but other than the Manger and His death on the cross that was it. I don't want to to make this long though it is. He came and convicted me of my worthless life and I asked for and received His forgiveness. "as for our sins we know them" the Bible says. So true. Jesus forgave me, saved me then some weeks later He baptized me in His Holy Spirit. Then I had the power to overcome, pray and seek His face. I know that a denomination had a strong hand in your unbelief. I know that the cold, dead, lifeless church services you've attended did nothing to lead you to Him. Miracles? Yes, He still does those. After 14 childless years of marriage we found that my wife was unable to conceive because she was allergic to my seed. Killed it on contact. Medicine could do nothing. Then I met Him and was baptized in His Holy Spirit as was my wife. He told us He was sending us a son. He told me when she was pregnant. We put our son's name in a baby book and he was born about 8 1/2 months later. He's in his 30's now. So many more things He's done but too many to list. I hear a cry, a plaintive cry in your words. Your innermost being cries out to know Him. God is very real. Any idiot can look at the creation and know that all this just didn't appear from accident. As a designer of machines etc. for 45 years I recognize the hand of a master designer when I see a thing. Jesus made everything that was made, including you and I. You should go about to seek the true and the living Jesus, God's first name, and forget religion and denominations. If you will search for Him with all your heart you will find Him. Yes indeed. Do you know that He really does love you? It's true. He does have a way for you. Jeremiah 29:11-14, 30 (NKJV) 11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive. Isn't it high time you really hooked up with the true and living God, Jesus the Christ?