Would value Christian feedback on an unconventional parenting proposal...

[heavensuitcase]

Greetings all,

Grab a chair - I have a story to tell...

After having been married to my wife for 12 years, she's decided she's not in love with me anymore... so she wants to separate, and ultimately divorce. I did everything I could to try to re-kickstart the marriage, but she's not interested.

I became interested in spiritual growth in 2005 and have become kinder, more compassionate, more equanimous etc... but my atheist wife seems more interested in superficial things than morality and personal development, which to her seem a bore and a drag.

So that now leaves me as a 34 year old with the option to follow my life's "Plan B"... and that is to become a Buddhist monk. I could go into my reasons, but they're not really the point... let's just say that if a man left regular life to join the Church as a clegyman, minister etc. he would have deep and profound spiritual reasons for doing so. Likewise, so do I.

(So why is he asking these questions on Christian forum? I'll get to that bit soon... )

The one sticking point to all this, is that there's someone that needs me - my son - he is 8. Becoming a Buddhist monk, I would still be accessible to him, and could play a strong mentoring role in his life, but obviously there would be constraints.

I was explaining about my marriage break up to a Christian friend of mine. She's a single mother who has absolutely turned her life around for the positive through living a life in accord with Jesus and the Bible. Her minister has done wonders for her, and she too ought be praised for following a spiritual path to self improvement.

She too has someone who needs her - her daughter. She is 8. She goes to the same school as my son. I told her my plans to enter the holy life as a Buddhist monk and (after getting her head around it) her reaction was "Good for you!" - she thought it was excellent that I was pursuing my faith further, and she too said that were it not for her daughter, she would be able to give herself first and foremost to Jesus. She looks forward to the day her daughter is a grown up and this is what she could do.

Over the last few days, all the random pieces of the puzzle in my head have started to take shape - an interesting shape... and I wanted to get some second opinions from you.

This woman and I both have one 8 year old children each, and these children are our #1 priorities for the next 10 years. After that, we both want to commit ourselves more fully to our respective faiths, once that responsibility of parenting to adulthood has been fully discharged. How then, would it be regarded for me to propose that her and I establish a "co-parenting household" together? One in which we can work together to raise our respective children together (albeit my son only there half the time or so) in a kind, caring, household, focused on moral and spiritual values. Exactly what the relationship between the woman and myself would be, I don't know, but it would only be a temporary arrangement of 10 years maximum, at which point we could go our separate ways.

I want to speak to her on Saturday about this proposal because time is tight... I've already 'verbally' resigned from work, and am otherwise about to commence the road to ordination as a Buddhist monk. It seems a serendipitous possibility, completely out of leftfield - so... what do you make of it? A house of love, or an abomination and an affront to God? Please share your thoughts.

With kindness,
HS.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

My opinion is that you should keep your job and be responsible for your son's growth physically, mentally and spiritually (and I'm not going to get into the Buddhist aspects of spirituality vs. Christianity, thought I'm tempted). While spiritual growth is a wonderful thing, the demands of the Buddhist faith, especially for a monk, make that growth come at the expense of the family.

It strikes me, from the standpoint of an addictions counselor, that you are replacing your wife with Buddha. That may sound cynical, but I think it is a real possibility. It also leaves your son without the full-time father he needs. Regardless of how available o him you believe you will be, you won't be as available you should be.

Those are just my thoughts. I could be wrong.

 

[rrowell]

This woman and I both have one 8 year old children each, and these children are our #1 priorities for the next 10 years. After that, we both want to commit ourselves more fully to our respective faiths, once that responsibility of parenting to adulthood has been fully discharged. How then, would it be regarded for me to propose that her and I establish a "co-parenting household" together? One in which we can work together to raise our respective children together (albeit my son only there half the time or so) in a kind, caring, household, focused on moral and spiritual values. Exactly what the relationship between the woman and myself would be, I don't know, but it would only be a temporary arrangement of 10 years maximum, at which point we could go our separate ways.

It is my opinion you are both going about this the wrong way and have some priorities mixed up (and unless I miss understand you one big priority in the wrong place).

For both, your number 1 priority should be God through Jesus, if you put this first in your life the rest will wiggle its way into place...

Your next priority will be your children and the example you give them, when they see you put God and Jesus first they will learn to do the same, this woman cannot replace your wife so she should have no place in your home, it is okay to have a celibate relation but you should not teach your children it is okay for two unwed people to live together.

Children learn to adapt better than the parent, you two need to be the light your children are drawn to...

Keep your Job, you need it to support not only yourself but your child, give him something to look at other than his mothers worldly ways, those in darkness are drawn to the light, put God and Jesus first, be the light, and they will be drawn to you... all things come together for the good to those who love God:

Romans 8:28 (KJV)
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

 

[heavensuitcase]

Greetings,

Thank you to both of you - you have provided much food for thought.

With kindness,
HS.

 

[Mike]

If you do ask her (and I hope you don't) I pray she has the wisdom to say no. I've a feeling you understand the implications this has on her faith. You may be seeing this as a non-sexual arrangement, but I still think it would send the wrong message to her daughter. She needs to have a scriptural model for a family. Though she's a single parent, it will be easier to explain why she's not married than why she's living with another man.

Out of respect for her, her faith, and her daughter, I think you need to find another way. Out of a desire to know the Living God, I hope you'll put aside Buddhism and seek Him.

I'm sorry to hear about your failed marriage. You sound like a committed father and husband.

 

[heavensuitcase]

Greetings,

Thank you for the feedback everyone... your insights really struck a chord with me.

I have applied for a rental property a few hundred metres down the road - somewhere to live and be available to my son, whenever he needs me.

I would be lying if I said I believe in God (I don't particular "disbelieve" either), but I want to be there to off-set the superficial, materialistic, accumulative, sense-driven, ways of his mother. I feel that given what I've learned in terms of living a good and decent spiritual life, it would be derelict of me to be far away, where its influence on his upbringing would be minimal, and he could end up just as lost and confused in this life as his mother. Whilst I don't necessarily believe in God, if there was ever such a thing as "a calling"... I've realised that this is it.

Again - thank you.

With kindness,
HS.