Would you risk your marriage for this?

[Nikki]

To be a part of your bi-racial niece's life? NOBODY on my hubby's side of the family will accept my sister in laws new baby. She's a bi-racial baby born out of wedlock. IN fact my sister in law cheated on her hubby.

I told my hubby (Steve) today that I was going to be part of the babys life. He is NOT happy. I don't want to be part of Denise's (his sister) life, but this baby needs SOMEONE from this side of the family in her life. I still haven't seen her, but I plan to soon. Steve's mom is on the verge of breaking down. She wants to see the baby I think. But Steve's dad has completely disowned Denise. Him and Steve are too much alike. At least Steve DOES have black friends. He just doesn't agree with the whole bi-racial thing.

He said it's my decision, but that I can be sure that he won't be part of her life. That was like a smack in the face to me and a real reality check as to how full of hate he is over this. I keep trying to get him to understand that it's not the babys fault. He said that he knows that, but that doesn't mean he has to accept her and that he never wants to see her or have anything part of her life. When he talks like that, I really am ashamed to be married to him. I got so mad that I left the house without him for a while( he was wanting to go shopping with me). I haven't done that in a long time. How can someone be so full of hate though? I honestly am so ashamed that I'm married to him.

I'm worried that this will affect my marriage. We've already been arguing over it. But, I want to be part of the babys life. I feel so torn. Do I risk fighting with Steve all the time to be part of her life? Or do I do what I've been doing and stay out of it?

Right now, I want to take the risk for the sake of the baby. Maybe I'm not making a wise decision....I just don't know.....

 

[Quath]

I agree with you. The baby did not asked to be born mixed.

So would people have accepted the baby if your SIL had cheated with a white person? If so, then it is just racial hatred.

I would think it would be worth the risk to your marriage to do the right thing. After all, who will this child have to help him grow up if his family turns their back on him?

Good luck in this.

Quath

 

[WiLdAtHeArT]

I think agreement is very important between husband and wife. I totally disagree with your husband's view on this, but if taking a stance causes division, separation, disrespect, etc., - your marriage is more important than this.

I think the number one thing a man needs out of his wife is respect, so in your future discussions over this issue, I recommend remembering that.

My two cents.

 

[Featherbop]

If my spouse was like him, I think I would risk the marriage to be in the baby's life. My spouse wouldn't seem like such a big loss, if she were like that.

 

[destiny]

Nikki I would try to bring him around without getting angry or defensive with him, (take your time) and let your husband see your heart and maybe after a while he'll realize that you aren't being defiant, but that you are being sincere. Use humility, maybe after awhile he'll feel ashamed of himself.
Can you imagine the rejection that little girl is going to face, she will need all the family support she can get. In fact an accepting or rejecting family will affect every decision she'll ever make in her own life. God has a plan and purpose for her, you can bet he's watching to see how people treat this precious gift.

P.S. Of course this isn't worth your own marriage, you would only be devestating more kids lives....(your own kids). I believe if you play your cards right, your husband will eventually come around.

 

[Eve777]

IF you do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do, you can never go wrong. We use to sing this little song when I was growing up:

Jesus loves the little children of the world

Red or yellow, black or white

they are precious in his sight

Jesus loves the little children of the world



I know what Jesus would have done if it had happened in his family. He would have loved that baby with all his might. I believe Jesus was color blind. :-D

 

[Nikki]

It's nothing BUT racial hatred. And what gets me is that my husband has black friends. He doesn't agree with interacial marriages though. It also doesn't help that he really doesn't like his sister. He hasn't liked her in years. She tried splitting us up one time when we were dating because she was jealous that he was spending all his time with me and not her. :roll:

She has a LOT of growing up to do. But this baby is INNOCENT!!!!!!!!! I told his parents and him that I hope and pray that God makes himself look black in their eyes when they are face to face with him. My husband has come a long way, but still has a lot farther to come. He grew up with racial hatred. His parents use racial slang all the time and it just makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Sure, he says it's my decision, but I'll never be able to share the joy of this little girl with him. I won't be able to talk to him about her or show him pictures of her or bring her to our house. It makes me so sad. : My heart breaks for this child. She is innocent. She has a sorry mother and the dad doesn't sound like he's much either (he cusses and drinks a lot). She gave up custody of her other 2 kids from her marriage to her parents. Now, what does that say about her? She gave custody to her parents that she KNEW were racist!!! They disowned her BEFORE she gave custody.

Oh, it's such a mess. And it's driving me crazy. My husband gets mad anytime I talk about his sister or the whole situation.

I know what's right. The right thing wuold be to love this baby. The right thing would also be to respect my husbands wishes, but I think the first outweighs the 2nd choice.

I'm going to pray that my husband will come around. How anyone can be so full of hate is beyond me. I just can't comprehend it. He says he can't comprehend me wanting to have anything to do with the baby. Now what is that? HATRED. Nothing but pure, cold hearted hatred.

:evil:

This is a horrible thing to say, but this is one time that I honestly wish I had never married him. I'm completely embarrased to even be associated with him.

: : :

 

[Judy]

:evil:
This is a horrible thing to say, but this is one time that I honestly wish I had never married him. I'm completely embarrased to even be associated with him.
: : :

That is a really really sad thing to say and feel. :

 

[Nikki]

:evil:
This is a horrible thing to say, but this is one time that I honestly wish I had never married him. I'm completely embarrased to even be associated with him.
: : :

That is a really really sad thing to say and feel. :

But wouldn't you be embarrased if your husband acted like that?

I love my husband. He's a wonderful husband and daddy, but when i truly understand how full of hate he can be, I feel that way.

 

[Judy]

But wouldn't you be embarrased if your husband acted like that?

I love my husband. He's a wonderful husband and daddy, but when i truly understand how full of hate he can be, I feel that way.

It's not a reflection on how you feel and you won't be able to change him, that it something he has to do. You can't force him to love this child or his sister and her boyfriend.
If your husband lets you see the baby then do so show the child that there are people who love her.
And love your husband for being the wonderful husband and daddy he is. :

 

[Nikki]

Thanks Judy. I just hope that in the longrun, things all work out and get better.

I just feel sad that I will have nobody to share the joy with. My husband has said before that he doesn't want our kids going over there. That right there will make my kids think that it's all "wrong". And I'm sorry, but it's NOT.

I feel sick even talking about it now and it just makes me even more mad at him. :evil: :

 

[Quath]

My grandfather was extremely racist. The nicest thing he ever said about a black person was something like "He was an honest negro. He didn't steal or nothing. A real credit to his race." But if we went to the mall he would say "Watch out for them black pickpockets." We would just say "Ok. We will only let the white people steal from us."

He had a hard time adjusting to the idea that my best friend in 4th grade was black. He also had a hard time when I dated a black woman.

However, he got lukemia and wound up in the hospital for chemotherapy. I visited and and his nurse was black. But I saw that he really liked her. He wasn't curef of his racism, but it seemed that he was learning to judge individuals as opposed to groups.

Look at Dick Cheney. Do you think he would support homosexual unions if his daughter wasn't gay? Basically, it takes personal encounters to change racism or hatred. So maybe you can look at it as God is placing this baby in your lives to help your family get over their racism.

Quath

 

[Pale^Rider**]

Nikki-
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this....I feel for your situation.
My opinion:
It's your marriage, trust your heart.....and I truly feel (from what you've told me about your husband and the kind of daddy he is) that he will come around. When he realizes that none of this is that little child's fault and that she's just a precious little baby, he'll come around. Right now, he's somewhat embarrased about the situation and has some pent up frustrations toward his sister.....but, he'll see that this child is innocent and didn't ask for all of this happen to her.

I'll be praying about this situation and for you.....but remember this....if it tries your marriage to the point of your feelings about , ".....sometimes I wish I'd never married him...." kind of thoughts. Try to back up and see it from his side.....he's hurting too. Nothing is worth throwing your marriage away.....

 

[WiLdAtHeArT]

Nothing is worth throwing your marriage away.....

Except for abuse, I agree 100%!!! :smt057

 

[Pale^Rider**]

Nothing is worth throwing your marriage away.....

Except for abuse, I agree 100%!!! :smt057

Exactly....except for abuse......but in my opinion, an abusive relationship isn't a relationship at all.....but we'll save that for another hot topic forum :-?

 

[Pale^Rider**]

Wildat heart....

Hey, I just noticed you're in Colorado springs......I'm way down in Mississippi, but I've visited Colorado Springs several times (winter and summer) and think that it was one of the most beautiful places I'd ever been......really cool place. Also, I looked into going to college at the Air Force Academy.....plus(sorry to ramble here) I almost took a job to move to Ft. Collins about 2 years ago.......
BTW-How's the weather?

 

[WiLdAtHeArT]

My wife and I LOVE Colorado Springs. I grew up in Littleton, CO.

The weather this week is sunny and mild. Last week it was bitterly cold (-4 low on Christmas Eve - high of 11). But we had a white Christmas, so it was worth it.

 

[Pale^Rider**]

I just moved back to Mississippi from south Alabama.....right now its about 60 degrees out with it getting a little colder at night....last week it was about 19 degrees at night.....a big change from s. bama where I never once built a fire in my fireplace.....not once. Down there, in the summer it gets too hot to go out....you can't breathe.

Anyway, you live in a beautiful place.....

 

[reznwerks]

I'm worried that this will affect my marriage. We've already been arguing over it. But, I want to be part of the babys life. I feel so torn. Do I risk fighting with Steve all the time to be part of her life? Or do I do what I've been doing and stay out of it?

Right now, I want to take the risk for the sake of the baby. Maybe I'm not making a wise decision....I just don't know.....

What would Jesus do? (assuming he existed)

 

[Relic]

Nikki,

One day at a time.


Don't look at the gloom of what her future will be like. You don't know her future. Hold onto the positive outlook of this babies future. Your intervention alone may not determine if this baby's future will be neglected or not. I'm sure God has a plan for this baby just as much as any other person. Sometimes we don't' understand what is happening, but remember Romans 8:28. Nikki, rely on the positive in the scripture. Keep them close to you. Grab hold of the positive in the scriptures to bring you contentment in the outcome of these peoples lives. i.e., your 13 year old niece and this baby and every one else in your life.

Grab those scriptures and read them every time you start to worry about them! Speak the "good" scriptures to influence by example.

Don't worry about a negative outcome if you don't intervene. I think you just want to rescue everyone from potential harm.
Just keep the faith that God's Will, will be done. Hang onto hope in the goodness of the Lord Jesus. Read those positive scriptures when you fear the worst future for someone! search the bible for them! Keep a daily devotional of positive scriptures that will help you stop the fear of someone having a negative future. Yes, it is good to be concerned, but you need to look on the good side of it, in the midst of the horrifying things you see. We live by faith, not by sight! Trust God. Keep the Faith and Hope for the best. Jesus saves. all you can do is speak the Word to them. You can't change their action if they choose contrary to what you think should be happening to them. That is up to God to do. You can only speak the word to them. And hope for the best. Stop worrying about the negative future you see. Don't see their future as negative! You don't know their future. Pray for this baby and your 13 year old niece. I hope you don't think you are their only hope. Leave that up to God.

Talk to your pastor. I am thinking you are involved with so many other people's lives outside of your own immediate family, your niece, and now this little baby. It is nice that you are so concerned for them, but don't think you are responsible for every bad thing that comes their way. You can't protect the whole world Nikki. All you can do is be there and be a good influence by example of how you direct your own step on a daily basis. Be careful you aren't meddling. Not to say that you are, but there is a very thin line between meddling and being concerned. If your concerns are disrupting their lives by direct interference outside of how they choose to run their families, then you need to be very careful. Be an influence yes, and pray for them and invite them to church and be pleasantly social. But be careful of that thin line. Your husband, is he a church goer? If not then just respect his choice, and talk to your pastor about your concern about your husband and his choices.

Talk to your pastor. Does your church have good counseling? They know you best. Does your pastor know your sister (in regards to your 13 year old niece, in that other instance) and this person that has had this bi-racial baby? Nikki, all you can do is show a good influence of your love without interfering with their lives to the point of ruining your own relationship with your family and theirs.

I don't know how much you are involved with the direction they take in their own lives. And I'm not saying you are meddling. I'm just saying please consider their choices and let it be and love them when you see them. If you need to go to authorities for abusive situations, then talk to your pastor and ask him if it needs to be done.



And just go one day at a time.

It's amazing what even just one day in the life of a person or persons can do! There is a thin line between self righteousness and justice and indignation and injustice one person might think about another.
Be care of that line you walk. Seems to me you're on a tight-rope in regards to your 13 year old niece and now, IF you want to bring this child into your family without your husbands approval it would be making the tension increase. and you will be again, in a bit too deep. If you want to see the baby and be an influence on this baby then do without throwing it in your husbands face. Talk to your pastor and ask him the best way to be involved in this babies life without offending your husband.

Most importantly! Do you have a pastor you can talk to? Nikki, does your church have any individual pastors you can talk to and or programs that would help you with your own immediate and other peoples family situations?

You seem like a very caring person. In that you care about other peoples families and what happens with them. So sorry you are so torn between the affairs of others. I'll pray for your peace and contentment in trusting the good will of the Lord God. Know that trusting God to make things work out for the better will be key to your reactions about these situations.
Trust God to work it out in the midst of your having a difficult time about it all! In God's timing. Not your own. But in God's timing.

Talk to your pastor. Do you respect your pastors opinion?
Have you even considered talking to your pastor?

It's great that you ask those on this board what to do, but we don't know you personally. You have gotten some sound advice here and some advice that is on border of being dangerous to the healthy outcome of your relationships with your family members. Again, it's a tight rope you are walking with this being concerned for another family member outside of your immediate family and wanting to be the one who rescues them all from potential harm. Are you worrying too much? and not giving it to God?
Don't jeapordize your relationship with your immediate family. Your husband and your children are your immediate family. Your sister and your nieces are your family, but that is outside of your control. You can help them by talking to your pastor and asking your pastor how much you should be involved in their family affairs.

Bless you Nikki. I know how you are aching to help others.
I've seen my three nieces go through some touchy situations that I had no control over. They are all grown now and doing fine.

Pray for them. And love them, but be careful you don't cross the line of being in someone elses business too much. Yes, you need to be concerned, but sometimes, you can get pulled in too deep, and then you need to talk to a professional as to how much you should be doing or not doing, in these types of situations. This is when you need to talk to your pastor and or counselor at church. Can you trust your church to help you decide what to do?.

Ask your pastor if there are any church programs you can invite them to that are related to their situational needs.

God bless you Nikki. Be concerned, yes, but be careful not to do too much of what someone else should be doing.

One day at a time makes a whole world of a difference.

Again, talk to you pastor. Can you do that?


Please don't think I'm assuming you are doing the wrong things.
I don't know you well enough to know what is going on really.

That's why I say talk to a pastor that knows you.


Peace be with you all.
Pardon this long letter.
You are in my prayers.

Know that Faith and Hope and Trust in the in the Lord are the focus.

Trust God will work it out. In His time.

Talk to a pastor in the meantime.

.