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[__ Prayer __] yet again...the 'noia

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that's what I call my paranoia. ugh.

I'm usually on 20mgs/Abilify. doses for my "issues" go from 15-30, so...yeah. OK. I've been ramping it back up to 30 (after 30, Abilify starts causing problems w/ no real additional benefits...), to stay calm. Thing is...

somehow, my phone alarm went off at 6 AM, and I didn't sleep well the nite before. Ugh. I keep thinking -everyone- is talking about me. Rationally, I know...or I think I know...that it just isn't so, but...

its not an easy thing. Especially since I'm unemployed, but living comfortably around a lot of other people. That tends to "rub people the wrong way," or at least...draw suspicion, obviously.

I"m thankful for Jesus, my parents, my health, my life...my intelligence...

I have -so- much to be thankful for! Its just that...wow. "severe mental illness" does not play around. On the plus side, I'm well taken care of, I see the counselor and the job placement person at the clinic next week, and...and...

I just don't know. I need more social interaction, I need to mature a bit, I need...ugh. One foot in front of the other. I'm keeping my apartment surprisingly clean. I do round after round of dishes (no dishwasher...I deep soak those bad boys), I cook, I'm...Mr.Domesticity, LOL (as well I should be...).

So, its not as if i"m "out of control" or anything. Just...paranoid. LOL. And its not fun.

Thanks. :)
 
that's what I call my paranoia. ugh.

I'm usually on 20mgs/Abilify. doses for my "issues" go from 15-30, so...yeah. OK. I've been ramping it back up to 30 (after 30, Abilify starts causing problems w/ no real additional benefits...), to stay calm. Thing is...

somehow, my phone alarm went off at 6 AM, and I didn't sleep well the nite before. Ugh. I keep thinking -everyone- is talking about me. Rationally, I know...or I think I know...that it just isn't so, but...

its not an easy thing. Especially since I'm unemployed, but living comfortably around a lot of other people. That tends to "rub people the wrong way," or at least...draw suspicion, obviously.

I"m thankful for Jesus, my parents, my health, my life...my intelligence...

I have -so- much to be thankful for! Its just that...wow. "severe mental illness" does not play around. On the plus side, I'm well taken care of, I see the counselor and the job placement person at the clinic next week, and...and...

I just don't know. I need more social interaction, I need to mature a bit, I need...ugh. One foot in front of the other. I'm keeping my apartment surprisingly clean. I do round after round of dishes (no dishwasher...I deep soak those bad boys), I cook, I'm...Mr.Domesticity, LOL (as well should be...).

So, its not as if i"m "out of control" or anything. Just...paranoid. LOL. And its not fun.

Thanks. :)

Hey CE praying for you that God gives you his peace and comfort. I'm finding that the Psalms are really calming.
 
that's what I call my paranoia. ugh.

I'm usually on 20mgs/Abilify. doses for my "issues" go from 15-30, so...yeah. OK. I've been ramping it back up to 30 (after 30, Abilify starts causing problems w/ no real additional benefits...), to stay calm. Thing is...

somehow, my phone alarm went off at 6 AM, and I didn't sleep well the nite before. Ugh. I keep thinking -everyone- is talking about me. Rationally, I know...or I think I know...that it just isn't so, but...

its not an easy thing. Especially since I'm unemployed, but living comfortably around a lot of other people. That tends to "rub people the wrong way," or at least...draw suspicion, obviously.

I"m thankful for Jesus, my parents, my health, my life...my intelligence...

I have -so- much to be thankful for! Its just that...wow. "severe mental illness" does not play around. On the plus side, I'm well taken care of, I see the counselor and the job placement person at the clinic next week, and...and...

I just don't know. I need more social interaction, I need to mature a bit, I need...ugh. One foot in front of the other. I'm keeping my apartment surprisingly clean. I do round after round of dishes (no dishwasher...I deep soak those bad boys), I cook, I'm...Mr.Domesticity, LOL (as well I should be...).

So, its not as if i"m "out of control" or anything. Just...paranoid. LOL. And its not fun.

Thanks. :)
You've come such a long way! Your going to make it through this too,! It sounds like your doing everything you need to be doing, and you have the right attitude.
Hang in there buddy!
 
thanks, everyone.

the phone alarm went off at 6 -again-. ugh. this time, though,i woke up in a good mood. verna talked to me late last night, when i thought i heard people outside, talking about me. truth is...they're just people, hanging out on their part of the front porch, but...because of underlying "severe mental illness," plus what came before....yeah...I got the 'noia, alright. LOL.

So, the kind, long-suffering Verna talked to me until I fell asleep. then the alarm went off. Aldi had some kind of super sale on flavored, arabica coffee (already ground), so brewed up a strong pot of that. good times....

i called my dad, and he already planned on coming 'round here 9, 9.30 or so. he's dropping off rent, coming to see how I'm holding up. God is good! :)

Its strange...now, I can remember hearing voices and muffled sounds from a very young age, 15 or so, but...not like this...on the plus side, I'm healthy now, remarkably "normal" in terms of personality and such, in good relationship with Jesus, my parents, and others....and...

somehow, my IQ estimate is higher. Its possible to be under-estimated...possible, but not likely. So..when I had the 120 IQ, the affliction was rough. At 95-105, it was almost unbearable. Now in the 130s...with everything else The Lord has blessed me with...its not too, too terrible...especially compared to when I was in 95-105 territory w/ all the obvious brain damage, I feel+think that I can "think my way out of" some of the crazy, if that makes any sense. I mean, I still take the Abilify (still at a full 30mgs, btw...), but...yeah.

OK. Dad's coming soon(ish), my place is surprisingly OK already, but I really should tidy up a bit further. Thanks again, y'all. :)
 
I think they will be proud of me....

its been -very- hard on them, too. those private, for profit mental hospitals were expensive and...worse than useless. ugh.

but...what's done is done...God is good! Dad's swinging by in a bit. The place isn't spotless, but its definitely -not- a mess, either. I think he said he may bring me some soda or something...always a nice treat...

I'm blessed beyond measure! The -big- thing is that I know Jesus. There's so much misery in the world...I"m blessed to be in the world, but not of it. And...

I should probably go downstairs and wait for mah dad.
 
dad's visit went nicely. he seemed actually...somewhat impressed. im happy, myself.

i went to aldi. except for being ripped off of $10, it went well, lol. dad brought some much needed basics over, so I'm pretty much stocked for a while yet to come.

God is good! The paranoia is...getting...better, I think. I did OK at Aldi. I did OK with my dad. --simmer down-- but...how? LOL.

:)
 
I get to do laundry tomorrow, at my parents' house. That'll save me $$$ and I'll get to see them, too. My mama even said "I love you" when she got off the phone.

God is good! :)
 
Take it one day at a time CE. You can do it.
While all I really deal with mentally is anxiety, I'm having to play catch up on many things, stuff I feel like I should already know by this point. So on that front I relate just a little bit. (Though I know our situations are not much alike.)
 
thanks. everybody's got something...

I think in most places, I would have been put in a state hospital, at least for a while. here where I live...ugh...I dunno. There was a big state hospital, but it cost lots of $$$ and was on prime real estate. most of its been shut down and streamlined. now...and this is crazy...even the NGRI cases ("not guilty by reason of insanity") are in and out of the state hospital in about 120 days time. True story. Its "the recovery model"--get 'em, medicate 'em, get 'em out into the community. I don't know what to make of it, honestly. rambling....

on the plus side, ive been spared all that. i have my own place, good parents, disability, insurance coverage...I don't even have to deal with being injected with the tranquilizer...i fill the prescription and take it myself (sounds basic, until you've dealt with Mental Health, Inc.). And...

God is good! Verna called and chatted me up. She's a good friend, a true friend. And...

I get to grow up, as who I am (and who I am becoming...) in Christ Jesus. God is good! :)
 
me, yet again. funny thing about paranoia...you act weird, people label you, the cycle begins anew. id ont know how to handle it. i tried to wave at a neighbor lady, she was opening her door. she closed the door. nothing personal? I dunno...


im hoping I make a go of it, this time around. my dad pointed out that since I was 17, this is move #16 or something crazy like that. did i mention that i probably -should- have been put in a state hospital, for a while, at least? yeah...

i don't know. i heard people saying things about me. the usual. the walls are thick enough so i cannot hear everything, hopefully neither can they, but...ugh. at least its a townhouse apt., not one stacked in with a bunch of others on top, below, to the side, everything...

im getting over it. tranquilizers help. moving helps. Jesus...He's the big mover and shaker here, obviously. dad wants me to work. mama's afraid ill end up laid off or fired, no disability, etc. ugh :-(
 
The move is a big change CE. You were brave enough to do it. Perhaps you should really settled in before looking for a job. You could start to think about what you would like to work at, but it might be a bit too soon to go for work yet. Only my thoughts.
 
hey hey hey....me, again.

things are going fairly well, I think. mama came by with a book case and some (much needed..) coffee and flavored creamer. oh man...I was hoping she'd load me down with goodies. Ha! I may be "severely mentally ill," but I am also (at long last...) becoming one of those "adults" I keep hearing about, aren't I? LOL.

I think I mostly caught up on sleep yesterday. naps, decent amount of PM sleep, too. God is good! Today, I'm...remarkably calm, or at least....-not- paranoid, -not- on edge, I'm even less focused on stuff from "back then" that pops up in my mind all too often. Which leads me to another point...

Jesus tells us to take up our plows and push forward, to forgive 70x7. I'm having -serious- difficulties there. On the one hand, I -was- put thru it. I don't mean that to rehash or get pity, I just believe in honesty, and honestly...whoa. Its not just that I was put thru things, its that I was put thru things for no really good reason...just a bunch of cruel people, many of them "mental health professionals," ripping me to shreds. So, there ya go. But...

now, I have the "high(er) IQ" estimate, a good personality, I"m healthy, I've even largely reconciled to my loving, kind, long suffering parents. These are all from The Good Lord, of course...but I need to forgive, as I have been forgiven, washed+made clean, and--fairly recently--blessed (!!!!). But...

how? A j-o-b would be nice, on a number of levels. My big problem is that my psych info. was -never- kept confidential, so I'm kind of...a non-entity, on a good day, 'round here. worse in the little town I just moved out of, but...not good here, either (same general area).

ugh. disability is a huge blessing. my parents are good to me. they love me, and i love them, too. my health is...a miracle, all by itself. just the other day, I was drying off after a shower, and i noticed...I have...healthy, normal skin. no rashes, redness, good tone, and...that was -not- the case for a while there, not too long ago. So...

God is good! :) I'm increasingly thankful, and I think maybe it is time for me to have a place of my own...and I'm blessed with extensive support from my (long suffering, kind) parents....

OK. Thanks again, y'all.
 
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