My Girlfriend and I Need Advice :)

[M.Sims90]

Two months and three weeks ago, my girlfriend and I began our relationship. The way we see it, when we told each other "I love you," is when we considered ourselves "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." For the past months, our relationship has been going great: we spend a lot of time with each other; we talk all the time; we trust and are open with one another; we discuss any issues plaguing our mind; try not to be lustful or perform any lustful actions; put God first; and everything else needed to create a healthy, great, fun, Christian-oriented relationship.

However, in the past couple weeks, I seem to be irritating my girlfriend on almost a daily basis - everyday, I do regular a thing of irritating her. The causes to me irritating her are: being, thinking, acting, saying lustful things; asking her a question(s) over and over; worrying; thinking, acting, and saying pessimistic things; arguing with my girlfriend--although we do not argue a lot--acting childish; asking a lot of questions that she does not want to talk about or does not know the answers to.

As mentioned above, my girlfriend and I are dedicated to not being lustful, saying lustful things, thinking lustful things, or acting lustful with one another. We are very certain we WILL get married with each other and IMMENSELY want to get married with one another, so we are waiting until then to have sex.

Despite this dedication, I sometimes lose my self control and say, think, or act lustfully; this causes my girlfriend to get irritated. In addition, I tend to think realistically and therefore act, say, or thinking negatively; this makes her irritated, too. My girlfriend and I rarely argue with each other, but when we do, she will get irritated with me (naturally). Also acting childish sort of falls into the same category of asking her a lot of questions--also asking her things she does not want to talk about or does not know the answer to--so when I say "childish," I mean qualities along those lines.

Again, this has been going on for two weeks, and I want to cut the streak right now. I love my girlfriend VERY MUCH, and I do not want to lose her; breaking up with my girlfriend is the last option I will use and refuse to even consider.

She and I firmly believe we are soulmates, and for me to explain to you how we think so would take forever, so I will leave it at that, haha. My girlfriend and I KNOW and REALLY want to stay together and get married in the future. Basically, what I am saying is that I would like some advice to prevent me from irritating my girlfriend; I do not want this advice to include her and I breaking up, but in the end, I cannot control your opinion or your posts.

My girlfriend will be reading these responses, as well, so if you have any comments or questions for her, please ask away! She wants us to get over this "beginning-to-seem-like-a-long-term-thing" speed bump, along with me, so please help us!

We both do NOT want to break up, and so we have come to this awesome forum for advice - what can my girlfriend and I do to prevent me from irritating her?

Thank you so much, and in the meantime, she and I will be praying to God to help her and I through this ordeal

 

[Pizzaguy]

At a church reception in the 90's, we were marking the 50th anniversary of "The Packers" - not the football team, but an elderly couple!

A young (20's or 30's) lady asked Mrs. Packer how they kept a marriage going for 50 years - she answered, "Well, dear, you must overlook a lot of small things".

Her husband nodded in agreement - and many of the younger women got angry or offended. It took me some time to understand why they were angry - it was explained to me that they didn't like Mrs. Packer telling them to overlook things. She was taking away their "right" to change their husbands.

And it works both ways - it is hard to melt two lives together. I have a friend at work who has been married 42 years. He does not paint it like a utopia, but a long-term managed compromise. "Happy ever after" is often a decision, not a feeling. It takes great maturity to realize that the grass is NOT greener on the other side, we just view the other side with imperfect lenses, distorted understanding, etc.

You two must work this out on your own, if you cannot, then you walk away from one another.

 

[cleanfreak]

Pizza guy brings out some great points.

My wife and I dated 6 years before we got married (she was only 14 at the time we met). During those 6 years, I learned a valuable lesson. DO NOT SUFFOCATE HER. We were together every waking moment and this was taking a toll on our relationship. Give her some space, I do not mean breakup, but give her some breathing room. You do not need to be with her every waking hour or calling or texting her all the time. Try to limit your contact with her to 3 days a week for the next month or so. It will be very hard, but it will be worth it. My wife and I will be celebrating 14 years of marriage this year and 20 years together total.

 

[Pizzaguy]

Pizza guy brings out some great points.

My wife and I dated 6 years before we got married (she was only 14 at the time we met). During those 6 years, I learned a valuable lesson. DO NOT SUFFOCATE HER. We were together every waking moment and this was taking a toll on our relationship. Give her some space, I do not mean breakup, but give her some breathing room. You do not need to be with her every waking hour or calling or texting her all the time. Try to limit your contact with her to 3 days a week for the next month or so. It will be very hard, but it will be worth it. My wife and I will be celebrating 14 years of marriage this year and 20 years together total.

Thanks and that works both ways... my G/F is overdoing it. It's starting to drive me away, I can't change from single me to "us" me overnight.

I'm going to talk to her about this tonight, in fact.

 

[Pizzaguy]

However, in the past couple weeks, I seem to be irritating my girlfriend on almost a daily basis - everyday, I do regular a thing of irritating her. The causes to me irritating her are: being, thinking, acting, saying lustful things; asking her a question(s) over and over; worrying; thinking, acting, and saying pessimistic things; arguing with my girlfriend--although we do not argue a lot--acting childish; asking a lot of questions that she does not want to talk about or does not know the answers to.

I missed this the first time - you sound like MY GIRLFRIEND!!! (This is not a good thing, cleanfreek's advice probably "nailed it".)

 

[PouringRain]

"Well, dear, you must overlook a lot of small things".

I could identify with this, because this is how I was raised also. Overlooking the small things even goes beyond expecting to change the other, but it also means not allowing small things to become a source of contention. The majority of things that people argue about are not worth arguing about. You have to learn to let go.

M.Sims, before your gf gets mad and thinks we are picking on her-- we aren't. Like Pizzaguy said, this stuff goes for both sides.

As far as irritating your gf, I would say that it is important to look at if the things you are doing are things that can be helped or if they are things that are innate in your personality. We all have things that we can work on improving in ourselves. We also have innate qualities that influence our behavior.

Most of the things you described are not very specific. One thing you described that is mildly specific is acting lustfully towards your gf. I think your gf needs to examine if: 1) does your behavior bother her because you are not married, or 2) would it bother her even if you were married. The reason it is important to think about this is because we all give and receive love differently. There are (married) men out there who grab their wife's rear end (or other parts) in public. As for me, I'd be mortified if my husband did that. Some women are fine with it. Some men do it in private, always grabbing at her private areas. Some women are fine with that. Others are not. Personally, I find it demeaning and reduces the woman to "sex". But I am not offended by "non-sexual" touches of affection. I don't know specifically what you are doing that is annoying to your girlfriend, but this is just one example in order to show how even within a marriage some things may be considered horrible for a spouse. So, ask your gf what specifically you are doing and if it is something that she would also not like even after marriage.

The reason that is important is because it sounds like from our post that you are attributing it to the fact that you two want to wait. But if it is something that she would still be annoyed by even after marriage-- then marriage will not solve that problem. Find out what ways your gf likes to receive love. What is her "love language"? Then start putting into practice those things that show her love. For the lustful things you are doing/saying you may need to try some behavior modification techniques to get you to stop.

Other things you mentioned: "Asking her questions over and over." Why do you do this? You may not even know why you do this. Do you have underlying problems such as attention deficit or obsessive-compulsive tendencies? It is possible that you are asking something over and over simply because you are unable to recall that you asked it previously (or the answer). Your gf may be getting tired of saying, "you already asked me that 5 times." And you, clueless, can't recall having asked it, nor what answer was given. If this is what is going on, I think the thing to ask yourself is if the question is important in the first place. If it is, then find a way to start taking notes so that you can remember things. You might think about keeping a calender where you list important dates and times, a journal with important things to remember about your gf (fav. flower, fav. flavor of ice cream, etc.), etc. If the things you are constantly asking her are not important, or they are things she does not want to answer (or does not have an answer for), then you need to learn to let go. To stop obsessing about something is not easy. The problem is that it can ruin your marriage. There may be things in her past that are so private that she couldn't share them even with the love of her life. You need to not push her and allow her to keep some things locked away in her vault. The only time those things are important is if they are affecting your marriage, and even then I would suggest that they be addressed through a safe venue such as in counseling.

You mentioned worrying and being pessimistic. Try doing a bible study on worry. Pray about it. Learn how to turn things over to God. Start trying to find the good in things, even if it means speaking positive words of affirmation despite the negative feelings inside. Every time you find yourself saying or thinking something negative, force yourself to change it. "I feel awful today!" Becomes "I am thankful that I am alive today!" Often the things people worry about are things that really they have zero control over. Recognize that and release the worry. Learn to recognize the things you can control and what you can't.

Have the two of you considered a couples counseling? It could be very beneficial even though you are not yet married. It also could be very beneficial in helping the two of you realize what things you can change about yourselves (not about each other), and what things you must learn to accept if you want this to work. I pointed out "not about each other" because you can not ever change someone else-- you can only change yourself.

 

[Bonairos]

M.Sims90 -

Perhaps I missed it and not wanting to assume or head down a rabbit trail, Why is it again that you are NOT getting married now (or soon) but rather have the thought for some undetermined time in the future?

Perhaps answering could allow us to be more effective in sharing our thoughts. I only ask because of your stated conviction that marriage will happen without relaying why not now.

Be blessed, Stay blessed.

 

[reba]

How old are you kids?

I dont know you but the pesty part of you sounds like a kid in Jr high school.


I met my husband in 1961 married 64 i called him 'dude' i never knew it bothered him tell 2006. What a hard habit to break. The point is how long he just accepted it.

11 weeks is not a long time...

 

[Mike]

They post in the Teens Forum and all us old fogies weigh in. At least Pizzaguy and I are old. I'm 43. But I remember my college days. My girlfriend then (20+ years ago) is sleeping next to me right now. We'll be married 20 years in June.

Oh? This thread isn't about us? Sorry.

Seriously. Assuming you are in the range of 18-22ish, since you chose this forum, I give you both a and I'll throw in an . For you to be mindful of things of the Lord at this age is to be commended! A lot of good stuff above. I agree with cleanfreak about forcing yourselves to spend less time together and gradually get there. I know, that's a toughy. To rush into such a full time commitment seems to skip some of the stages. Going from "Hi, my name is..." to spending every day together can lead to some bickering.

I don't know why you would be concerned that advice would come that says you need to break up. If you're both on the same page so much that you're viewing the responses together (which is very cool ), that speaks very well of you two. As you set your mind on marriage, set your hearts on the Lord. He will Bind you and make you one. Keep in mind that there will be 3 of you in this. Decide now that divorce will never be an option. Who knows what will happen, but at least starting with that rule etched in stone will set the parameters. Dude, back off some. Dudette, indulge him when he wants to talk. Relationships and marriage are healthy if there is a lot of listening done, even when you don't feel like it.

Bless

 

[PouringRain]

They post in the Teens Forum and all us old fogies weigh in. At least Pizzaguy and I are old. I'm 43. But I remember my college days. My girlfriend then (20+ years ago) is sleeping next to me right now. We'll be married 20 years in June.

Bless

I never even noticed what forum they posted in. Well........ "college age" is not quite the same as "teens."

I still stand by my post regardless of what their age.

 

[PouringRain]

Thanks and that works both ways... my G/F is overdoing it. It's starting to drive me away, I can't change from single me to "us" me overnight.

I'm going to talk to her about this tonight, in fact.

How did it go?

 

[reba]

You and Pizza are not old !

 

[M.Sims90]

Thank you for your replies, everyone!

Sorry for not being very specific. Below are some questions you guys asked, with answers provided; if you, or anyone else, have any other question; comments; or advice; please post!

Most of the things you described are not very specific. One thing you described that is mildly specific is acting lustfully towards your gf. I think your gf needs to examine if: 1) does your behavior bother her because you are not married, or 2) would it bother her even if you were married ... I don't know specifically what you are doing that is annoying to your girlfriend, but this is just one example in order to show how even within a marriage some things may be considered horrible for a spouse. So, ask your gf what specifically you are doing and if it is something that she would also not like even after marriage.

Other things you mentioned: "Asking her questions over and over." Why do you do this?

Have the two of you considered a couples counseling?

Basically, she will become irritated when I do things that are lustful, in terms of saying; performing; and thinking lustful things; it doesn't matter what it is - if it lustful, then we shouldn't do it, but sometimes I lose my self control; I will then bask into a lustful action, mentioned above.

I ask her questions over and over again because I really want to know the answer, but she will say "I don't know" or "nothing." However, there are times when I ask her a question over and over because I do not realize what she means, when she responds, such as "Hold on," so I ask again, for a more detailed response.

Although we live only about eight hours from one another, we are currently in a long-distance, Internet relationship, so counseling wouldn't be possible right now. Also, she is 16, and I am 20 - we're a bit too young for counseling, I think.

Why is it again that you are NOT getting married now (or soon) but rather have the thought for some undetermined time in the future?

She and I are in a long-distance, Internet relationship for now, so getting married now wouldn't be possible. Also, we both want to get married with each other, and are immensely in love with one another and God. Not to mention, she is 16, and I am 20.

How old are you kids?

Amanda is 16, and I am 20.

I don't know why you would be concerned that advice would come that says you need to break up. If you're both on the same page so much that you're viewing the responses together (which is very cool ), that speaks very well of you two. As you set your mind on marriage, set your hearts on the Lord. He will Bind you and make you one. Keep in mind that there will be 3 of you in this. Decide now that divorce will never be an option. Who knows what will happen, but at least starting with that rule etched in stone will set the parameters. Dude, back off some. Dudette, indulge him when he wants to talk. Relationships and marriage are healthy if there is a lot of listening done, even when you don't feel like it.

Bless

She and I are definitely on the same page. We love each other so incredibly much, and we definitely want to get married with one another.

We just set some parameters, and we made a list of things to remember, act upon, and perform to improve our relationship. She and I have been talking, and we have also come to a lot of understandings and made some "deals," if you will, which will improve our relationship.

If you guys wish to see the list we made, please let us know

 

[PouringRain]

Although we live only about eight hours from one another, we are currently in a long-distance, Internet relationship, so counseling wouldn't be possible right now. Also, she is 16, and I am 20 - we're a bit too young for counseling, I think.


She and I are in a long-distance, Internet relationship for now, so getting married now wouldn't be possible. Also, we both want to get married with each other, and are immensely in love with one another and God. Not to mention, she is 16, and I am 20.

Some questions:

1) Is this relationship only internet, or do the two of you also meet in person and "date"?

2) Do her parents know about you and approve of the two of you dating?

I am guessing that the two of you wouldn't be thinking of marrying for at least two years? From your recent responses it also sounds as though the two of you possibly have not met yet?

I would recommend before the two of you marry to: 1) wait, 2) spend time together off-line, and 3) get couples counseling/ pre-marital counseling

I'll spare you the lectures about her age, your age, and the law. If you are not already doing so already, and you plan to meet her while she is still a minor, I would recommend that you only do so in the presence of her parents.

 

[Pizzaguy]

They post in the Teens Forum and all us old fogies weigh in.

1) I have a 34 inch waist and a blood pressure of 117/70 - I ain't old!

2) Some of us will give a 20 year old a hard time for dating a 16 year old. I'd like to join in that noise, but probably shouldn't. When I was 20, I dated a girl who had not met her 17th birthday. I guess I understand.

I DO know that I understood what her beer-drinking, deer-hunting, gun-toting father explained to me.

 

[reba]

The really neat thing about getting married at 17 i knew everything....

 

[handy]

An important part of any relationship is finding out what things two people are in unity about and what things there is no unity in. For the things that you share unity in...your relationship with God, the commitment not to become sexually active until after marriage...are good things to have in common. You should also be discussing things like children and child rearing, views on working mom's versus stay at home moms, how to manage debts and finances. If you are the type that views every saved penny as a penny earned, and she's the type that likes to hit the mall and go shopping every weekend, there will be problems down the road.

As for the problems you now have, the lustful thoughts and the irritating questions, these are things that the two of you need to figure out whether or not to change, and if so how.

As for lustful thoughts in the head of a 20 year old guy who is in love...well, to me that sounds very normal. What isn't so cool is the fact that your 16 year old girlfriend knows them. You should be dealing with lust between you and the Lord and keep those thoughts from her. Now, having said that, I'll admit I'm assuming that you are speaking to her in a sexually charged way..."Hey baby, I'd love to
you right now!" That is out of line, and she's in the right to be irritated by you speaking that way.

However, if the issue is more along the lines of, "Wow, I have to admit that when I talk with you, I really struggle with the things that pop in my head"...then that's a pretty honest statement about your valid feelings and you shouldn't be slammed with guilt about them. Sex is an important part of any marriage, and the two of you should be able to discuss sexuality without being disrespectful of either her person or your valid feelings. You weren't really clear in what exact way the lustful thoughts are being discussed so that your girlfriend is getting irritated. Frankly, since she is underage, the least said to her about sex the better.

The incessant questioning is another irritant that either you need to change or she needs to accept. Is this very much a part of who you are? Is it just with her that you chatter on with these questions? Or are you like with with all of your close relationships?

Or, is it really even chatter? Are you asking what seems to you to be valid questions that will enable you to get to know her better and she blows you off and gets irritated.

In you OP, you've taken on the identity of one in the wrong here...that it's wrong for you to lust after your girlfriend and it's wrong of you to ask questions. And, maybe that is the case.

However, do examine whether or not you are simply acting normally and she's the one keeping you at arms length. If this is the case, then this is something important about the two of you and your relationship to consider.

Here are some things, based upon what you've written, that I think you need to honestly look at:

Are you truly being out of line with lust, or are you being a normal guy and she's being a prude? Are you realizing that you are being a total jerk talking inappropriately about sex with a 16 year old girl, or have you honestly been surprised that she has been angry or irritated by your comments or expressions of honest feelings?

This is important, because although sexual activity has no place in your relationship now, it will be in the future. If she has an unrealistic ideal about sex, or even just an ideal that you don't share, there could be a lot of trouble.

Are your questions really incessant and irritating, or is she being un-forthcoming about information that is important to you. If the answer is the former, is this "just the way you are"? If it is "just the way you are" then you can commit yourself to change by asking others whom you irritate the same way to help you with this, but she'll also need to realize that this is a character trait of yours which most likely won't disappear entirely, and if she'll need to decide if it's a deal breaker.

But, by the same token, if she is withholding information that you, as someone who loves her and is thinking of marrying her, not only would like to know, but truly should know, then you need to decide if her level of secrecy about her life is something you can live with and if this is a deal breaker for you.

In a lot of ways, I think your relationship with her can lead to a very healthy marriage, because you have at least two years before you should marry and must, because of God's laws and the laws of man, remain celibate with each other. This will give you a great opportunity to truly get to know each other, and see just how compatible you really are. And, if it comes out that you truly aren't compatible enough in important areas, then the both of you can move on.

 

[Gendou Ikari]

Am I allowed to post honestly in this thread?

 

[Pizzaguy]

Am I allowed to post honestly in this thread?

Only if you are a GIRL!

 

[Gendou Ikari]

Only if you are a GIRL!

Does it matter if I'm a girl who likes other girls?