Frequency of intimacy in marriage

[handy]

Having counseled men in your husbands situation I can tell you there's only 2 possibilities for men in a sexless marriage: Either he's already getting his sexual gratification elsewhere (not necessarily another woman, porn is much more common) or he's been so badly emasculated he thinks he deserves to be miserable or has no choice, and so will suffer in silence for a time.

There is a third possibility...

That Maria and her husband had the same level of sexual desire... once in a great while is enough for both of them.

In which case, there's not a problem... as long as they are each free to express an honest level of desire and need, and it sounds as if they are, then that's OK.

Generally... heck, not even generally but almost all the time, people have much higher sexual needs. Maria, while I'm glad that you and your husband are on the same page in regards to sex, it's not the norm.

The norm is that men and women do need sex on a fairly regular basis and if there is a reason why one partner isn't up to it, it's still incumbent upon that partner to maintain intimacy for the sake of the other.

If the partner is refusing sex altogether (and it doesn't sound as if you are doing this, Maria, you and your husband just don't do it all that often) then there is a serious issue in the marriage and I've never yet seen this scenario work out any other way than the partner that's holding out wants out of the marriage or is having an affair.

Again, the best answer to the question of how much is enough is "However much it takes to meet both partner's needs and doesn't put undue pressure on either one."


One thing DPKevin that you do need to take into consideration is that "duty" sex can be the single most soul sucking, gosh awful thing a person ever does... if there isn't enough communication and effort on both husband's and wife's on how to handle it.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

seriously? My marriage is not sexless it just doesn't happen often and he knew this years ago (17 years ago) and is still here. He has proved his love for me time and time again. I will not force myself to have sex when I am not in the mood, because I will not enjoy it and neither will he. we both know well enough that that is wrong. Having to go to work and having to have sex when you're not up to it is not the same..
No I don't want out of the marriage, I'm really happy and totally in love..I guess me and my hubby don't fit into any box people try and put us in, against all odds regardless of the lack of sex we love each other..we have been through deaths, trauma, upset and so much more, that's what makes you stronger not the frequency of sex .
If my hubby is suffering in silence then he's been doing so for 17 years but I can tell you that this isn't so as he is more open with me now about emotions ect then ever before..My husband knows I love him because of the many other things I do for him, I prove I love him on a daily basis and he often says he never has to question if I love him because it shows..
seriously, shame on you to think all men are the same! This man has proved you wrong and I'm proud of him for it!

First let me apologize, re-reading my above post I realize how accusing and condemning it sounded. I kind of got up on my soap box and forgot I was talking to a real person. Not my intent at all, it's just hard to convey tone. Remember this is a conversation with an audience, and my goal was to discuss larger issues with everyone, not debate your relationship specifically. If you are both truly happy with the status quo, then good for you.

I don't think your husband has 'proved me wrong' in any way, there are thousands of men out there in his situation that would completely agree with me, and he would be a singular exception. Many of them tell their wives they are OK with it because they've been taught that's what good husbands do. Not saying your husband does this, I have no way to know, but the exception doesn't disprove the rule. Simply google sexless marriage and you'll see what I mean, or just look down a few threads in this forum at Frustr8ed's posts to get a male perspective.

Just one question, you say:

I will not force myself to have sex when I am not in the mood, because I will not enjoy it and neither will he. we both know well enough that that is wrong. Having to go to work and having to have sex when you're not up to it is not the same..

In what way is it different?, Why would it be wrong? And why is it 'forcing' yourself to do something loving towards your husband just because it's not hormonally motivated? Understand it's the feminist attitude I'm challenging, not the actions.

This is a general statement, not an accusation to you: Most men would be hurt on a soul level to know that their wives would have to 'force' themselves to be intimate with them when their hormones aren't driving them to it. What the man hears is "you want sex when you want sex, and otherwise you don't want me". No amount of doing other things for him can compensate for that. That's just how men are wired. We've very simple, if you want us to feel loved, make us feel wanted sexually. We don't distinguish between them well. How would you feel if you're husband said essentially 'unless I'm super horny I have to force myself to touch you'? I know, it's not what you mean, it's just what men hear.

Please understand that I'm trying to make this a general discussion about issues relevant to every married couple, not an attack on your relationship. No one here knows any more about you than you've shared so there will always be a certain amount of generalization and assumption anyway.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

There is a third possibility...

That Maria and her husband had the same level of sexual desire... once in a great while is enough for both of them.

In which case, there's not a problem... as long as they are each free to express an honest level of desire and need, and it sounds as if they are, then that's OK.

Generally... heck, not even generally but almost all the time, people have much higher sexual needs. Maria, while I'm glad that you and your husband are on the same page in regards to sex, it's not the norm.

The norm is that men and women do need sex on a fairly regular basis and if there is a reason why one partner isn't up to it, it's still incumbent upon that partner to maintain intimacy for the sake of the other.

If the partner is refusing sex altogether (and it doesn't sound as if you are doing this, Maria, you and your husband just don't do it all that often) then there is a serious issue in the marriage and I've never yet seen this scenario work out any other way than the partner that's holding out wants out of the marriage or is having an affair.

Again, the best answer to the question of how much is enough is "However much it takes to meet both partner's needs and doesn't put undue pressure on either one."

That's the woman's answer. The man's answer is as often as physically possible, and then a few more times for good measure. (don't beat me up, that was a joke)

One thing DPKevin that you do need to take into consideration is that "duty" sex can be the single most soul sucking, gosh awful thing a person ever does... if there isn't enough communication and effort on both husband's and wife's on how to handle it.

Reminds of me of the old joke: Pizza is like Sex: When it's good, it's great, but when it's bad, it's...still worth having!

Seriously though, there's duty sex where the woman makes it clear it's duty sex and basically does the starfish maneuver, and then there's sex where the goal is to express love for each other, experience intimacy and renew the bond as well as providing for the man's physical needs, even when it doesn't provide for the woman's. Couples who get to this level have happier and more fulfilling marriages. Women who get over thier feminist indoctrination and experiment with this kind of sexual relationship fnd that they are far happier in thier marriages as well. Check out <a href="http://dontsayno2012.blogspot.com/">this</a> blog for a great example

Disclaimer: I don't know this woman, don't endorse her point of view, but I applaud her courage.

 

[handy]

That's the woman's answer. The man's answer is as often as physically possible, and then a few more times for good measure. (don't beat me up, that was a joke)

You get the chair for that one..




Seriously now, I don't know about "feminist indoctrination"... that's too easy an answer... every time a Christian woman isn't doing what men expect or want it's because of "feminist indoctrination"... I hear it around here a lot.... which is strange because there aren't many feminists on this board at all.

Sort of reminds me of the doctor's who automatically blame obesity or smoking for any health issue at all.... I saw this doctor once who blamed this incontinence issue I had on me being obese... didn't run any tests or anything, just chalked it up to me being fat and ordered me to lose weight and start doing Kegel exercises.

Now I know quite a few obese women... and I know that obesity doesn't cause incontinence. I went to a different physician and she ordered some actual tests... turned out that I had a fibroid tumor in my uterus that was putting a lot of pressure on my bladder. I had a surgery and the incontinence went away.

So, let's just not assume that any woman that isn't into sex as much as her husband is swayed by "feminist indoctrination" Actually it was feminists who pushed for better contraception so that women could become as sexually active as men. (Not saying that was a good thing...)

Generally, low sex drive for both men and women (and yes, there are men with low to no sex drive) can usually be caused by health issues and past sexual abuse. Anti-depressants and blood pressure pills can cause the sex drive to plummet. For women, there is the added issue of the fact that the monthly cycle and the whole menopause phase also diminishes sexual drive. Also, there is a link, still debated but nonetheless a link between birth control pills and lower libido for women. I believe that the reason why more women struggle with low libido is that there are just more causes for low libido for women than for men.

Past sexual abuse is huge... I can't stress how huge. It's bad enough being reduced to being little more than a sex toy... and having "duty" sex brings it all back. And, no, more sex isn't the answer. Really good communication, a dedication on both husband's and wife's part to work through it, and if need be some counseling will help. Trust me on this... there is no reason to allow past sexual abuse to forever diminish one's desire for and enjoyment of sex. But, one does have to go through the very uncomfortable period of bringing up all those old wounds and fears and work through them. It's not easy, but it's well worth the effort... and ultimately more glorifying to God as well.

Anytime sex is based on "providing for the man's physical needs, even when it doesn't provide for the woman's".... there's a problem. Sex, by it's very definition and nature, needs...I repeat needs to be mutually satisfying. I truly urge anyone with a spouse that has sexual issues to not press the "Let's do it 'til you feel like it" route until underlying causes have been addressed. Doing it while those causes are being addressed to help the spouse without the sexual issues meet their physical needs is understandable, but never ignore the issues that are causing the one spouse to not want sex or just write it off as the "way things are". Otherwise, the one spouse simply cutting the other spouse off completely becomes a very real possibility.

 

[reba]

Women who get over thier feminist indoctrination and experiment with this kind of sexual relationship fnd that they are far happier in thier marriages as well. Check out this blog for a great example

It was not feminist indoctrination that molested me... it was a guy from the church. That cute little baby right here on the page... I can 'be in the mood' then a smell, a sound. the sound of an old screen door....can take me back to 1950 and the mood is gone.... What molestion does to kids is awlfull and comes and goes throught a life time.....

once again Handy

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

anytime sex is based on "providing for the man's physical needs, even when it doesn't provide for the woman's".... there's a problem.

Nice how you took that out of context.

Making your husband happy, feeling close to him, bonding with him and being intimate, this isn't satisfying for you? knowing you are strengthening your marriage and keeping your husbands desire focused on you isn't enough? He exists to satisfy your needs, and if you don't happen to feel a need, he's out of luck then?

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

It was not feminist indoctrination that molested me... it was a guy from the church. That cute little baby right here on the page... I can 'be in the mood' then a smell, a sound. the sound of an old screen door....can take me back to 1950 and the mood is gone.... What molestion does to kids is awlfull and comes and goes throught a life time.....

once again Handy

You have my sympathy, and without minimizing your pain, that's a complete diversion. Because some have more to overcome does not change the principle.

 

[farouk]

I'm kind of losing the thread a bit as folk post back and forth, but I guess that ppl know what all they are talking about.

My slant it, the actual frequency isn't an isolated thing; it's very linked to ongoing affection.

 

[handy]

I didn't mean to take the comment out of context. However, when sex is
a: where the goal is to express love for each other, experience intimacy and renew the bond

then sex is rarely

b: providing for the man's physical needs, even when it doesn't provide for the woman's.

When both partners are dedicated to experiencing intimacy and renewing their bonds, and there isn't an underlying issue of health or past abuse, sex will provide satisfaction of the woman's needs as much as the man's.

Some can look at this comment "providing for the man's physical needs, even when it doesn't provide for the woman's" and have all kinds of negative emotions triggered, because far too often sex does become just about satisfying the man's needs and the fact that the woman's isn't satisfied (and yes, I am speaking of her gaining an orgasm each and every time) is either ignored or considered not as necessary because women aren't as "into" sex as men are.

A healthy woman who isn't dealing with a physical problem or past abuse issues will be just as "into" sex as a man. It might take a little experimenting on exactly how her body will respond... as women not only don't respond as much through just "missionary intercourse", what they respond to will most likely change as she goes through things like child birth and menopause. But, as long as she doesn't have any health issues or emotional issues due to past traumas... a woman is going to desire sex just as much as a man.

When there is a health issue or emotional issues though, it's not a "diversion" to emphasize how important it is to deal with it.

Often, it's a matter of a physical health issue, previous damage that can cause actual physical pain, or flashbacks to rape and abuse.

I can see that you most likely do not suffer from any physical ailments or from being sexually abused as a child. This is a good thing.

But, do think a bit out of the "man zone"... When I had that fibroid tumor... sex was painful. Not just that I wasn't into it... IT HURT REALLY, REALLY BAD!!!!!

If you were expected to do something for your wife every night, or even once a week that made you experience excruciating pain... how much would you look forward to doing it... and can you concede that it might interfere with "bonding" and "expressing love"?

And, women are different about this, but some women will find sex just before, during or right after menstruating to be very uncomfortable. If it's just a matter of holding off until she's ready for it... then yes, I do think that particular biology can "trump"... if sex is a regular part of the marriage, then a man shouldn't have a problem with waiting for his wife to be ready for him.

It was something that the OT Jews didn't even have a choice about... women were considered "unclean" during that time and weren't to be touched at all. However, not all women experience this, many can have sex while menstruating with no problems at all.

Also, unless someone has been on the recieving end of sexual abuse, one can never understand the impact it has on what should be healthy sex in a marriage. This is an issue that needs to be lovingingly addressed... and it would be important for a couple to work together to get through it... with the healthy partner not making demands on the abused partner. It can be done... I'm here to testify to the fact that past sexual abuse does not need to forever damage one's enjoyment of sex. But, it was something that Steve and I did have to work together on... I'm very thankful for such an understanding husband!

I'm not denying that there are some women who are going to refuse sex to their man...for no other reason than that she wants to... and stand by the fact that when this happens, she most likely is trying to get out of the marriage.

But, in the case of a couple who loves each other... if sex isn't occurring enough to satisfy the needs of both partners... then something is wrong and it needs to be addressed. Often, that "something wrong" has to do with either a medical issue or past abuse, neither of which should ever be ignored.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

I didn't mean to take the comment out of context. However, when sex is
a: where the goal is to express love for each other, experience intimacy and renew the bond

then sex is rarely

b: providing for the man's physical needs, even when it doesn't provide for the woman's.

When both partners are dedicated to experiencing intimacy and renewing their bonds, and there isn't an underlying issue of health or past abuse, sex will provide satisfaction of the woman's needs as much as the man's.

Some can look at this comment "providing for the man's physical needs, even when it doesn't provide for the woman's" and have all kinds of negative emotions triggered, because far too often sex does become just about satisfying the man's needs and the fact that the woman's isn't satisfied (and yes, I am speaking of her gaining an orgasm each and every time) is either ignored or considered not as necessary because women aren't as "into" sex as men are.

A healthy woman who isn't dealing with a physical problem or past abuse issues will be just as "into" sex as a man. It might take a little experimenting on exactly how her body will respond... as women not only don't respond as much through just "missionary intercourse", what they respond to will most likely change as she goes through things like child birth and menopause. But, as long as she doesn't have any health issues or emotional issues due to past traumas... a woman is going to desire sex just as much as a man.

This is not entirely true. A woman's desire for sex changes with her cycle, peaking when she ovulates. So will her ability to orgasm. Herein lies all of the problems. When the big O becomes the standard, how you determine when to have sex, you end up in mariamaria's situation. It's the wrong criteria.

When there is a health issue or emotional issues though, it's not a "diversion" to emphasize how important it is to deal with it.

Often, it's a matter of a physical health issue, previous damage that can cause actual physical pain, or flashbacks to rape and abuse.

It is when that's not the subject at hand. Can we just confine the discussion to what a healthy married sex life could or should look like, and not have to put in endless caveats that some people have added issues that need to be dealt with to get there? It's just that it's making the discussion kind of circular and pointless. We can't deal with every possible permutation, but we might be able to discuss principles that could be mutually illuminating.

I can see that you most likely do not suffer from any physical ailments or from being sexually abused as a child. This is a good thing.

But, do think a bit out of the "man zone"... When I had that fibroid tumor... sex was painful. Not just that I wasn't into it... IT HURT REALLY, REALLY BAD!!!!!

If you were expected to do something for your wife every night, or even once a week that made you experience excruciating pain... how much would you look forward to doing it... and can you concede that it might interfere with "bonding" and "expressing love"?

Please, when it devolves into a war or anecdotes, the discussion loses all value, don't you see that? I'm talking about principles, and you're throwing out exceptions, and we're not getting anywhere. You can't get at what works best by always pointing out the worst case scenarios. Yes, life happens, things veer from the optimal, but the question is, what is optimal and how do we get there?

And, women are different about this, but some women will find sex just before, during or right after menstruating to be very uncomfortable. If it's just a matter of holding off until she's ready for it... then yes, I do think that particular biology can "trump"... if sex is a regular part of the marriage, then a man shouldn't have a problem with waiting for his wife to be ready for him

It was something that the OT Jews didn't even have a choice about... women were considered "unclean" during that time and weren't to be touched at all. However, not all women experience this, many can have sex while menstruating with no problems at all..

That's kind of a limited view of sexuality in marriage. Intercourse is only a part of a healthy relationship.

Also, unless someone has been on the recieving end of sexual abuse, one can never understand the impact it has on what should be healthy sex in a marriage. This is an issue that needs to be lovingingly addressed... and it would be important for a couple to work together to get through it... with the healthy partner not making demands on the abused partner. It can be done... I'm here to testify to the fact that past sexual abuse does not need to forever damage one's enjoyment of sex. But, it was something that Steve and I did have to work together on... I'm very thankful for such an understanding husband!.

I'm very happy for you, that's great but again, does it have to be lovingly addressed in every post ? It is important, I'm only saying it's not what were actually talking about.

I'm not denying that there are some women who are going to refuse sex to their man...for no other reason than that she wants to... and stand by the fact that when this happens, she most likely is trying to get out of the marriage. .

That is what we are talking about.

But, in the case of a couple who loves each other... if sex isn't occurring enough to satisfy the needs of both partners... then something is wrong and it needs to be addressed. Often, that "something wrong" has to do with either a medical issue or past abuse, neither of which should ever be ignored

I disagree. There are far more factors than medical issues or past abuse. I believe that accounts for a minority of cases in fact. Plenty of completely healthy men and women don't have healthy sex lives. Why? well that brings us right back to the top, doesn't it?

 

[farouk]

Again, I don't think we should separate it from the overall matter of ongoing affection in a marriage. They really should go together.

 

[handy]

Kevin,
If the conversation is circular, hopefully it's spiraling upwards... towards greater understanding between the sexes that can add to the enjoyment of the marriage bed.

The subject at hand is "How often do (those of you are married) enjoy the ultimate act of intimacy?"

The "best" answer to this question would be "As much as both partners desire."

There is however a different way that this question can be looked at and that is "How often do (those of you are married) enjoy the ultimate act of intimacy?"

The answer to that question should be "Each and every time."

The problem for most couples is that there is a discrepancy in how much each person desires. Many couples though work though the discrepancy without any troubles.

But, as we see from some of the many posts on this thread as well as in other threads... many couples have issues and these issues can lead to the enjoyment "each and every" time to be diminished, if not disappear altogether. That's where there is a serious problem.

You might want to just focus on what healthy sex in a marriage should be... But, I don't see why we should just discuss what a healthy sex life in a marriage should look like, without discussing the issues that prevent it from happening with so many people and what to do about those issues. I've faced down some of the issues that prevent it for a lot of people and want to add my two cents (or .50cents or even the full dollar) as to what prevents a healthy sex life between a couple and what can be done about it.

As for this: A woman's desire for sex changes with her cycle, peaking when she ovulates. So will her ability to orgasm. Herein lies all of the problems. When the big O becomes the standard, how you determine when to have sex, you end up in mariamaria's situation. It's the wrong criteria.

This might be true for some women... but not for all. A lot of women can orgasm each and every time no matter what time of the month it is... a lot more can orgasm pretty much except when she's actually menstruating.

I'll let Maria share why she's in her situation if she so desires, as for me, it was when both my husband and I let go of the stereotype that women just don't want it or need it as much and we both worked out the issues that were preventing me to not enjoy sex. I had bought into the lie that women are simply not as into sex, too (a lie often preached from pulpits)... as well as had been seriously messed up from the abuse...and on top of that had the tumor.

Believe me, if someone like me, who had as many issues as I had in regards to healthy sex was able to work through them (with the help of a loving husband) and get to the point of enjoying sex each and every time... and wish it could be far more often than it is... then other couples can as well.

farouk, I wholeheartedly agree... both are necessary for a healthy marriage.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

Again, I don't think we should separate it from the overall matter of ongoing affection in a marriage. They really should go together.

I totally agree, it just hadn't come up yet. No man should expect great sex with a woman he never otherwise touches, or offers affection to. It's all a continuum. I love a good grope and tickle with my wife whenever possible.

 

[farouk]

...
farouk, I wholeheartedly agree... both are necessary for a healthy marriage.

handy:

Yes, and if affection is not present, then to focus on the frequency of the other is somewhat less than precise.

If affection really is present, then there may also be other factors which affect frequency, but which don't mean necessarily that there is somehow less affection.

Blessings.

 

[mariamaria]

Is it so hard to believe that a man can love a woman so much that the lack of sex takes a back seat? Not all men are like animals and can't control themselves, some do have control and self respect.
I'm surprised at how some thing that should be applauded (my situation) has been turned on it's head and been given a negative stance instead and that's the problem with this world, as soon as someone has some thing good there is always someone waiting to bring a downer on it.
Instead be happy for me that I have a loving husband, stop questioning it!
I did not make my earlier comment about me being lucky that I have a husband that is ok with lack of sex so it could be dissected but to show you that some men love their wives enough not to let sex get in the way..

 

[Blazin Bones]

I'm going to interject, as a Married Man, with a reminder to all, and especially men. Physical " Needs" or lack of drive does not trump the heart of intimacy, which is LOVE.

When the Bible discusses love, there are several principles that need to be remembered, regardless of the frequency of intimacy. I know that some would say that the following standards I will present apply to God's love not, romantic love, but I will contend that a Godly romance will be tempered by the godly love displayed from both the Husband and Wife.

Love is Patient - Meaning that when we put our marriage in God's hands, sexual frustration will be endure
Love is Kind - Love is about caring for the other. Sometimes one will need to sacrifice comfort for the love of the other.
Love does not Envy or Boast - a loving husband must not envy even a projected nrom of what frequency should be nor should a loving wife boast in how she induces sexual struggles for the husband
Love is not self-seeking - SEX MUST NOT EVER BE ABOUT ONE SPOUSE OR THE OTHER. This does not mean a spouse cannot put thier wishes aside for the sake of the other.
Love does not keep a record of wrongs - Regardless of what is happening in a marraige bed, Wrongs are to be dealt with and then handed over to God's control
Love always protects - A loving spouse must seek to do anything possible to maintain a marraige.
Love Always Hopes - Dwelling on past concerns is never going to build a marriage Hope must be cared for.
Love DOES NOT FAIL.

I do not doubt that many marriages have struggles determining frequency because 100% of marraige are made of 2 different personalities. However, in a Godly marraige, as Handy has said several times, the issue must be one that is regularly and appropriately addressed.

BTW, Maria, Simply take Joy in your marriage as you always have. You know how to respond to your husband and care for him. Don't let any thoughts or theories influence your marraige other than those outlined by God's word.

I realize this takes some steam out of the discussion that was ongoing, but I wanted to circled the wagons back to a Critical issue that can never be emphasized too much.

PS. Handy....Who said you could borrow my.....




Chair!!!

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

@Blazin Bones

"[I]SEX MUST NOT EVER BE ABOUT ONE SPOUSE OR THE OTHER.[/I]" I'm going to play devil's advocate here and ask simply, why not? If one has a need, and the other does not, should not that need be met anyway? You make love out to sound very selfish. If it isn't about me also, I'm not going to worry about your needs.

I will grant you qualified it somewhat, and you did get right to the heart of the issue. You're essentially saying (exaggerated for effect) that any man who expects his wife to have sex when she doesn't 'feel like it' so it's 'about both of them' is a big selfish oaf and doesn't love his wife. I believe that is wrong, and there is a better way.

I offer this alternative, given to me by an elderly Mennonite paster (my wife's grandfater) A marriage is where each lives for the other, and all live for Christ. Full disclosure, he had 14 kids.

My marriage has been based on this principle for 23 years, and it works. It plays out like this- My goal is to meet my wife's needs, all of them, as her's is to meet mine. My needs are her concern, as hers are mine. My needs are no longer my concern. In terms of sexuality, most of the time we mutually meet each other's needs at the same time, sometimes just mine, sometimes just her's. In terms of frequency, the default setting is every day at least once. ( I know, shock! Horror! That poor oppressed woman!....oi)but of course life happens and things get in the way (insert all physical and emotional issues here, handy) plus I'm no spring chicken anymore. And of course neither of us is perfect and it's a constant process of fine tuning everything.

This is what I've been trying to say through all the diversions and rabbit trails: if you are in a relationship where you are concerned with your own needs, not your partners, you're missing out on a huge amount of joy and wonder at all that God intended a married relationship to be. The bonding that occurs between two people is not just unbreakable, the only word I can think of is supernatural. I would that more people could experience the joy we have in our marriage.

 

[Created2Write]

I wholeheartedly agree with deadprivatekevin.

I'd like to make a few comments, actually.

In my marriage, there have been quite a few issues. My husband and I are still considered newlyweds(in August we'll have been married for three years), but there wasn't a newlywed phase. We have had very difficult financial troubles, as well as selfishness issues with both of us. Recently we rededicated ourselves to each other, and to meeting the other person's needs.

As a woman, I can attest to how important love is in the relationship. Emotionally speaking, it usually is "easier"(for lack of a better word) to make love with my husband when we've had a good day, and I feel connected to him emotionally. However, I think it's incredibly naive to base ones actions on what one feels. I can have a bad day that is completely unrelated to my husband, he can come home and shower me with affection, and I'll still not "feel" like having sex. This is where women should step outside of themselves, in my opinion. And yes, I mean doing it even if you don't want to. This isn't wrong, or sick; it's selflessness.

And, actually, it has been proven that having sex when you're not in the mood increases your sex drive. When I'm not in the mood, but I go ahead and make love with him anyway, it doesn't take long for the sexual senses to wake up and come alive.

In my marriage, my husband and I have learned that sex is vitally important to both of us. Unfortunately, we don't have sex more than once or twice a week at this point. It kills me inside, but I'm working on it. Like another poster here, I know the frequency is on my shoulders, but the difference is that I'm not happy with where our frequency is at. Sex is one of my number one emotional needs, among other things like cuddling and verbal affirmation. When my husband and I don't have sex, I don't feel loved.

Unfortunately for my husband, I'm a VERY emotional girl. I'm not difficult to please, but I am not difficult to upset either. I've been working on not allowing the little things to effect me so much, but sometimes they do. He is so patient and caring, and he listens to everything I say. He is also emotional though, and when we don't have sex(especially if it's a time when we were planning on having fun and then we don't), he is emotionally effected. And so am I.

So, I understand what others are saying about women needing affection, but I agree with deadprivatekevin. Let me explain it this way:

I've told my husband that, even though he works hard and has long days sometimes, I still expect him to come home and hold me. His schedule is fixed, it won't change, but I can't only have cuddle time once a week. I will DIE emotionally, and our relationship will struggle. So, if I expect him to meet MY needs on a daily basis, it would be selfish of me not to hold myself to the same standard.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

Is it so hard to believe that a man can love a woman so much that the lack of sex takes a back seat? Not all men are like animals and can't control themselves, some do have control and self respect.
I'm surprised at how some thing that should be applauded (my situation) has been turned on it's head and been given a negative stance instead and that's the problem with this world, as soon as someone has some thing good there is always someone waiting to bring a downer on it.
Instead be happy for me that I have a loving husband, stop questioning it!
I did not make my earlier comment about me being lucky that I have a husband that is ok with lack of sex so it could be dissected but to show you that some men love their wives enough not to let sex get in the way..

I don't know how to say this lovingly, but Maria you need help. You clearly have some very serious issues around sex, and a very twisted view of marriage. Ignoring the Biblical commands to wives in marriage, and acting as if only your sexual needs matter in your relationship is not something that should be applauded by anyone. No I don't question if your husband loves you, if he stays in that situation he must. I question if you love him more than yourself. I kind of see that you have fallen into the trap of thinking that sex is dirty and sinful even within marriage. That's a lie straight from the enemy. I urge you to deal with your issues because you and your husband are missing out on the one of greatest gifts God has given you in your marriage.

 

[Dreadpiratkevin]

@ Created2Write

So, if I expect him to meet MY needs on a daily basis, it would be selfish of me not to hold myself to the same standard.

Thank you, and well said. It's nice to know that there are other people in the world that understand what 'love is not self-seeking' actually applies to both sexes. And I don't think that being emotional is a weakness, it's a great strength if you use it right. people without emotion are the weak ones. If you're husband knows what he is doing he will be the rock that anchors your emotions, but it takes men time to learn how to do that right. 23 years in I'm still learning.

Hang in there, it takes a lifetime to learn how to love another person fully. You're definitely on the right track. Think of it as him giving his sexuality into your keeping at marriage. If you are caring for it properly, he'll be happy and satisfied. He should be doing the same for yours. There's a beautiful symmetry there that only God could have designed, but it takes a huge amount of trust, and that only comes with years of practice. And you know what? sometimes life is just plain hard and there's only so much energy to go around. Don't let it get you down, things have a way of working out if you're truly living for each other.