Anyone have this kind of marriage?

[woundedwarrior]

My wife and I have been married for over 16 yrs, we are in our 40s. We have 3 children ( her daughter and my two sons, all from previous marriages). None of them live with us anymore, but we still mostly take care of our daughter and now her baby. We haven't been really close in about 8 yrs, at least my definition of "close".
We live more like good friends than husband and wife. We only communicate about daily activities like work etc, seldom about "us" and intimacy is near non existent. We engage in sex every 4-5 weeks, but no foreplay and purely mechanical.
Add now, that the "grandbaby" is the main focal point of her life , she babysits nights and weekends while our daughter works a part time job. All of "our time" is gone, not that it really mattered anyway. Our life has become entertaining our nearly 2 yr old grand daughter and when we do have a night to ourselves, it is mostly watching TV or playing with our Ipod & Ipad. She has been content to do this for a while with no problems. As long as we are friendly to each other, that is a good marriage to her.
This has caused me a lot of grief and hurt over the years and we separated twice over the past 2 yrs. The first time for a week and the second for a month, I know that she does love me but I'm not a necessity like I think I should be. Although she didn't like me being gone, her life carried on exactly the same without me.
I have been to a therapist for all of this year and trying to cope but now have just given up and accepted things the way that they are. I quit trying to engage in anything physical because now it is just a "turn off" because it lacks emotion, only obligation. In the past we've gone as long as 6 months and I believe she could "take it or leave it". Somewhere in the past, her views on sex and marriage have changed and I don't know why. She views anything but boring missionary sex as "dirty" and she didn't used to feel this way.
I don't plan on divorcing, I've just accepted this is as the new reality and get on the best I can. I just wondered if anyone else lives this way???

 

[duari91]

My wife and I have been married for over 16 yrs, we are in our 40s. We have 3 children ( her daughter and my two sons, all from previous marriages). None of them live with us anymore, but we still mostly take care of our daughter and now her baby. We haven't been really close in about 8 yrs, at least my definition of "close".
We live more like good friends than husband and wife. We only communicate about daily activities like work etc, seldom about "us" and intimacy is near non existent. We engage in sex every 4-5 weeks, but no foreplay and purely mechanical.
Add now, that the "grandbaby" is the main focal point of her life , she babysits nights and weekends while our daughter works a part time job. All of "our time" is gone, not that it really mattered anyway. Our life has become entertaining our nearly 2 yr old grand daughter and when we do have a night to ourselves, it is mostly watching TV or playing with our Ipod & Ipad. She has been content to do this for a while with no problems. As long as we are friendly to each other, that is a good marriage to her.
This has caused me a lot of grief and hurt over the years and we separated twice over the past 2 yrs. The first time for a week and the second for a month, I know that she does love me but I'm not a necessity like I think I should be. Although she didn't like me being gone, her life carried on exactly the same without me.
I have been to a therapist for all of this year and trying to cope but now have just given up and accepted things the way that they are. I quit trying to engage in anything physical because now it is just a "turn off" because it lacks emotion, only obligation. In the past we've gone as long as 6 months and I believe she could "take it or leave it". Somewhere in the past, her views on sex and marriage have changed and I don't know why. She views anything but boring missionary sex as "dirty" and she didn't used to feel this way.
I don't plan on divorcing, I've just accepted this is as the new reality and get on the best I can. I just wondered if anyone else lives this way???

Ahh man I am sorry you have to go through this. It sounds extremely frustrating. If its not too much, may I ask if both of you still have God in the center of your marriage? Do you pray together? Do you both make an effort to live the way the bible intends you to live (as a married couple)? Only reason why I ask this, is because it sounds like the both of you have strayed from God. A marriage/relationship is doomed when God is lost or taken out of the picture. The same thing happened to me, only on a small scale. The person I was with was NOT religious, I was unequally yoked. It was impossible for the relationship to work, because God was not in our marriage. Over time, God made it clear to me that I was not to be with that person anymore. Chances permitted, and she committed adultery. I took that as a sign from God to get out of the relationship. I am currently with someone who is just as religious as I am. We pray together, and keep God the MAIN focus of our relationship. Needless to say, I was surprised at how different a relationship can be when you are equally yoked, bringing God to the center.

Moral of the story, you need to bring God back into the relationship. If she is unwilling to fulfill her role as a wife (according to the bible), unwilling to bring God into the marriage. Then maybe you should start praying, asking for God to bring you to a choice. You don't need to be miserable. God didn't intend marriage to be that way, and you shouldn't accept it. Talk to your wife about going to a christian counselor. You may need help bringing God back into the mix. God will heal this if you ask him, and let him.

 

[Knotical]

You may need to mix things up a bit. Have you ever thought of going to a marriage retreat?

In regard to therapy, was this with a Christian or secular counselor/therapist? Duari91 is right that you need to bring God back into your marriage as the focal point. Everything else will grow from there.

Are you both attending Church every Sunday?

 

[The Unbeliever]

Only reason why I ask this, is because it sounds like the both of you have strayed from God.

I'm curious what he said that made you think that. [/tangent]

Back on topic, I can see how my own marriage could go that way, but it hasn't yet, thankfully. But my wife is certainly one of the "take it or leave it" women with regard to sex. Fortunately, she hasn't gotten to the point where she thinks anything but the bare minimum mechanics is dirty or wrong. I trust you have expressed your feelings regarding this matter to her. What is her response? Also, does she offer any reason for relegating you to a peripheral (if still desirable) role in her life?

 

[woundedwarrior]

Here are some answers. Yes, we both pray, attend Sunday services every week and feel we have a good relationship with Jesus. She just tends to lean toward the "sex for procreation" camp. She also had her thyroid killed years ago so that doesn't help her libido either. After our last separation earlier this year, we attended a marriage weekend sponsored by Family Life. We did feel close that weekend but as weeks went by it was back to the same ole. She went with me briefly to the counselor but she wasn't much for words.

 

[The Unbeliever]

Is she aware of what this is doing to you?

 

[iLOVE]

Here are some answers. Yes, we both pray, attend Sunday services every week and feel we have a good relationship with Jesus. She just tends to lean toward the "sex for procreation" camp. She also had her thyroid killed years ago so that doesn't help her libido either. After our last separation earlier this year, we attended a marriage weekend sponsored by Family Life. We did feel close that weekend but as weeks went by it was back to the same ole. She went with me briefly to the counselor but she wasn't much for words.

To understand the trails of life you must use your wisdom and see things from God's viewpoint and respond according to scripture principles. God sends or allow trails in our life. The trails that we face is to prove that your faith is ginuwine. Untested faith is unreliable. God wants to see what scale of obidence are you. If we don't have trails in our lives we will take God for granted. You are equipped with the free gift of grace. Access it...and use it!

 

[woundedwarrior]

I pray daily & the reason I'm still there is I feel that God wants me too. She does know how "wrecked" she has made me & feels bad but sees no way to change it. In order to "save" myself, I've had to stifle my emotions & force myself to pull away. She says she is perfectly content with the marriage & I quit "rocking the boat" with my on/off depression. She always disagrees but I don't feel she is emotionally connected to me? We've had a lot of conflict over the years because of her unmedicated bi polar daughter & my opinions always came out on the bottom. Sadly, my influence with my 2 sons fared the same because of my ex wife, who doesn't believe in discipline either? Our daughter is now 22, still mostly dependent on us, and has a baby, which has become the center of my wife's life. Not counting God, I've never rated #1, like it should be????

 

[The Unbeliever]

She does know how "wrecked" she has made me & feels bad but sees no way to change it. In order to "save" myself, I've had to stifle my emotions & force myself to pull away. She says she is perfectly content with the marriage & I quit "rocking the boat" with my on/off depression. She always disagrees but I don't feel she is emotionally connected to me?

So, she is aware of the problem, and yet it sounds like she believes it to be your fault. Why is it she sees no way to change it? Is it because she feels the fault does not lie with her or is there something else that has proven to be to intransigent to resolve?

 

[woundedwarrior]

I don't think she believes it to be my fault, just my problem. I'm surviving, I've been seeing my counselor/therapist for a year and she helps me cope.

 

[The Unbeliever]

I don't think she believes it to be my fault, just my problem. I'm surviving, I've been seeing my counselor/therapist for a year and she helps me cope.

That seems to indicate a level of disassociation from the relationship if marital problems aren't a shared concern. Surely she can see that there is something she can do to ease the situation?

 

[woundedwarrior]

I agree that she is not all in emotionally, but our opinions on this vary. Especially in the past 2 yrs with the birth of our grand daughter, our "husband & wife" identity has been lost. Like I said, as long as we get along, then it's a good marriage according to her. Sex, intimacy, personal conversation isn't a priority or necessity for her. She's perfectly happy without it.

 

[The Unbeliever]

But you are not perfectly happy with that, and for a marriage to work, it must work for both parties. Is she perfectly happy with your misery? If not, then it is incumbent upon her to work with you for a solution to the problem. There is no union without mutual concern, and there is no marriage without unity. Anyone who cannot be roused to action by the suffering of their spouse has already abandoned them, in heart if not legally.

 

[woundedwarrior]

I've become numb to our situation & I'm not really miserable anymore. I've adapted, if you don't expect, then you can't be hurt. It isn't what I had hoped for, but most things aren't. I don't complain because it is my choice to still be here & I believe God has a plan.

 

[The Unbeliever]

I see. I hope that in the future you will do more than simply persist. I hope you will find a way to reopen your wife's heart to you and your needs.

 

[woundedwarrior]

If you name it, I've tried it. Failing consistently caused too much pain but honestly, I couldn't stay this way for the rest of my life, I'm worth more than that.

 

[President]

My sex life had slowed down quite a bit. We had sex when my wife wanted to, more or less-- when she would agree to it. I'd talk to her about it, and ask her if she'd want to do it. That's not what I did when we first married. What did you do when you were first married? How did you treat her differently than you do now?

I began to realize I had a lot more power than I thought. Instead of asking for sex, I'd tell my wife what a good time I'd give her that night. I'd rub her shoulders when I passed by her in the house, go in for a long kiss, pat or squeeze her backside, etc. You can do this over several hours throughout the day. If she gets irritated, back off and do something a little more welcome later. If she says she's not interested in doing that later, don't argue about it. She could change her mind. Keep romancing her. Tell her you want to cuddle at night. Take it from there and keep increasing the intensity of what you are doing.

You can also try just picking her up, kissing her, and carrying her over the threshold to the bedroom, laying her on the bed and kissing her. Something like that might catch her off guard and change the normal course of events for the evening.

 

[woundedwarrior]

Really good advice but my wife isn't much for drawn out romancing. I have always & still do treat her with kindness but she has lost her need for intimacy over the years? When we do have sex, it is quick, basic & mostly mechanical. I have tried just kissing & touching & she says "either do it or I'm going to sleep". Not in a mean tone but it still hurts. I've learned to just do without, it's better than the alternative. When I can't even get a passionate kiss, her wanting to have sex feels cheap & insulting. Emotionally I feel worse after, at least in the past 10 yrs. Talking on the subject just produces a lot of "I don't knows"??

 

[Davies]

I don't think she believes it to be my fault, just my problem. I'm surviving, I've been seeing my counselor/therapist for a year and she helps me cope.

Hi woundedwarrior,

I'm very sad to read your account, and though I've had difficulty in my own marriage, I won't say I know your pain in your marriage. Your description does give me an idea of your pain. I thought to myself, is there anything I could share to encourage you, and the only thing that comes to mind is the Gospel. I did stumble upon this verse:

2 Peter 1:1-9

New King James Version (NKJV)

Greeting the Faithful

1 Simon Peter, a bondservant and apostle of Jesus Christ,
To those who have obtained like precious faith with us by the righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ:
<sup class="versenum">2 </sup>Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, <sup class="versenum">3 </sup>as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, <sup class="versenum">4 </sup>by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
Fruitful Growth in the Faith

<sup class="versenum">5 </sup>But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, <sup class="versenum">6 </sup>to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, <sup class="versenum">7 </sup>to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. <sup class="versenum">8 </sup>For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. <sup class="versenum">9 </sup>For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins.


I think a strict diet of Scripture would be good for us. Where else does a person turn when life is difficult or seemingly unbearable, except to Jesus Christ. In the above passage, I ask myself these questions: Do I see the faith that I have in Jesus as precious? Do I consider the promises given to me through Jesus as precious? Is Jesus precious? Can I be content with just food and clothing as long as I know that I have Jesus? Is my salvation precious? Am I encouraged that my sins have been forgiven and God has justified me? To be content with the answers to those questions should tell you that your are resting in Jesus. I think this will provide you with the strength to serve your wife in such a way that she will not want to be without you. If you love your wife this way, it won't be from obligation and you won't have a sense of being robbed if she doesn't return the favor. Your contentment with Jesus should be the foundation of how you behave towards her. I think you'll find your sex life such a small matter in light of the greater concerns regarding growing in your faith and knowing your wife is growing with you.



I know it's easy for me to say these things, and I'm struggling with similar problems but not quite the same. All I know, the only place to turn to, is to seek God with all my heart to establish my faith. Here is another passage:


Philippians 4:11-13

New King James Version (NKJV)

<sup class="versenum">11 </sup>Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: <sup class="versenum">12 </sup>I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. <sup class="versenum">13 </sup>I can do all things through Christ<sup class="footnote" value="[a]">[a]</sup> who strengthens me.


My thought here is if I do not have this contentment in my faith in Jesus, I need to come back to the cross. I need to remember who I am and who God is in the light of Scripture. It doesn't matter how long it takes, I must come to the place where my heart is softened. I must be motivated to do good things because I love God, not to change my circumstances. Better to suffer with loss and know your faith is in Jesus, then to live with creature comforts that only provide satisfaction as long as they are provided. The pain in my relationship with my wife has given me a focus to seek God in hopes I may find forgiveness, and I know that a person who has been forgiven much loves much. That will transform your marriage, but seeking God is the priority. I would say I'm preaching as much to myself as I am to you. It's the only advice I can offer without knowing more details. I would think instead of going to see a counselor/therapist, I would seek out a godly pastor who knows his Bible and cares about people. Perhaps your therapist has helped you, but I think the answers lie within being able to apply the Gospel to your daily living. I hope you will know a greater knowledge of the love of God despite your circumstances.


- Davies

 

[woundedwarrior]

I have taken that mindset & pray constantly for strength. I've given up on the idea of an "intimate" marriage & I hold no resentment toward my wife. I still treat her like God intended & don't expect anything in return. My only goal is keeping her happy while I suffer in silence.