2nd Year Struggles.........

[Britt]

I'm going to pre-apologize for how badly this may be structured.

My husband and I dated for 3 years before we got married, and we have been married for a year and a half. People say used to say that we reminded them of an old married couple, which I used to take as a compliment, but now it makes me angry. I am 23. I grew up a very active kid. I was in every extra-curricular I could be in. My husband on the other hand did nothing. When we were dating we always did things, but now I feel like I have to drag him out the door to get him to do anything besides go out to eat. We constantly are fighting about cleaning around the house. And anymore I just keep my mouth shut because otherwise I don't know what will come out. On top of that we have no sex life. Not that we ever had a big one but we were more intimate (without having sex) before we got married that we are now. He never listens to what I say I like (in bed or otherwise) and never learns from what I tell him. I feel like I change and grow everyday and he stays the same instead of growing with me. I don't want to be another statistic of divorce. His greatest fear is divorce, so I could never do it. I pray a lot about this and no matter what I seem to do things have just gotten worse. Any advice out there on how I can help my marriage?

 

[Eugene]

Hi Britt and welcome to CF.net. You might reexamine why you married one another in the first place and reestablish that connection with each other. Love and not necessarily excitement should be the motivating factor. If you miss being on the cheer leading squad, practice on your husband; that might do it for him.

Familiarity has a way of taking the edge off, and you must not become overcome with repetition; become creative even in simple things like the preparation of a meal. He and you both may be exhausted after a day's work, maybe he worries about finances, job, how to please you, and a hundred other things; you say he fears divorce. There's the saying: behind every successful man is a good woman or something like that; are you up to the task?

Are you as the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31:10-31? They are like jewels. I've been married a few years now and my wife to me becomes more loving, more forgiving, less demanding and has become all the things to me I didn't marry her for. Oh she was so attractive as a young woman, and she becomes more beautiful to me today. Our love is less demanding and we rejoice in pleasing one another even in just talking to one another.

The key? God! The two of you must seek Him in everything you do. The world and all its pleasures holds no satisfaction like that He promises. You might just want to call on Him as David did in Psalms 51:12 "Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit." You and your husband will both grow in grace and knowledge if you allow God to do the leading in your lives.

Well that's enough for this session, and that'll be a hundred dollars. BTW, I don't accept cash, checks, credit cards, money orders, or promissory notes; just make it out to a renewed effort to making your marriage one that others will want to emulate. May God bless your marriage in Jesus' name in ways you couldn't even know to hope for,
:waving

 

[AirDancer]

Continued prayer, of course, is a necessity. Pray that our Lord will alter your view about your husband & marriage. Also, you might want to encourage him to see a doctor for a check-up, just to make sure there isn't anything going amiss health-wise.

Then, in the meanwhile....

...write little notes (can be on post-its) and leave them where your husband will find them: in dresser drawers, briefcase, bottom of the remote control, mirror (for in the morning) .... on these notes, give him encouragement: "I love you, Hon!" "Smile...I'm thinking of you!" ..using words that are natural for you.

On your next month anniversary (18 months, 19 months, whichever), write up a 'gift certificate' as a gift on the anniversary. This could be for a candle lit dinner at home; depending on finances a meal at a restaurant (doesn't have to be fancy); a night at the theatre or cinema; bowling. The gift certificate could also be for a back rub with lotion.

You could also plan a picnic at home .... fix up fun foods, spread a blanket on the floor & eat the meal there... no tv in the background.

You can be as creative as you wish. Even buying a blank canvas from a hobby store & various acrylic paints, and the 2 of you paint an expression of how you each feel about each other. Be certain the paint colors do not include anything dark.... this is suppose to be a positive time of sharing.

The honeymoon doesn't have to be over. Your husband has found his comfort zone, and he's settled into it. You will need to motivate him to become the man you married & then some.

My prayers are with you both, Britt.

 

[Matthew G]

Greetings, Britt, and welcome to CF.net.

I apologize for having to be brief, but my battery's dying and I can't find the cord! Anywho, I know exactly where you are in your marriage because I've been there myself. Consistent prayer is an absolute must, but more than that you have to be faithful in your belief that the Lord will answer. Remember that His ways are not our ways, and His timing is rarely the same as ours.

I hope to offer more encouragement once I charge this infernal machine, but I'll leave you with a recommendation for a book which was put out by Focus on the Family. It's out of print, but you can find copies on www.amazon.com fairly cheap. It's The Marriage Masterpiece by Al Jannsen. I own a copy myself and it was a great help when my own marriage went through a rather extreme bout of turmoil.

Above all else remain faithful. Seek the Lord with all your heart and lean on Him. He knows what you need in your situation, even if you don't, and if you remain steadfast in prayer and practice those needs will be met because He will NEVER leave or forsake you.

And as a final aside - no matter what some may tell you, God's will is for your marriage to be as awesome as it possibly can, and He can and will make that happen for you. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up! I pray the Lord will bless you and your household, and I thank Him for the healing He is already beginning to unfold in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

 

[President]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties in marriage. They probably aren't all that uncommon. Everyone has their own. My wife and I didn't really have any struggles to speak of between the two of us until the second year of marriage.

I'd say the thing that probably would help you the most in your marriage, aside from a strong relationship with the Lord, is to keep a right attitude toward your husband. You can control what he does, but you can work on doing your own part in the marriage. Even if he has weaknesses, the Bible still says for wives to respect/reverence their husbands. Wives are also to submit to their husbands, too. So you can read passages like Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, and I Peter 3 and consider whether you are doing these things. If you have that kid of attitude, how might you behave differently so that there not be as much arguing between you?

And he can do that same. Of course, you can't make him. You can do your own part. But you can read the Bible together and ask him to discuss what he can do in these areas to love you like Christ loved the church and washed her with the water of the word, provide you with headship, honor you as the weaker vessel.

If you were both doing this well enough, I'd venture to guess you wouldn't have these marital problems.

When it comes to sex, maybe you can ask him to read I Corinthians 7, the first quarter of the chapter there that tells husbands that their wives have authority over their bodies and vice versa, and not to defraud one another except it be with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to prayer and fasting, and come together again lest Satan tempt you for the lack of self-control. So he needs to be meeting your sexual needs.

Sometimes, women don't like to initiate. They want to be pursued. But men also have difficulty reading their wives mind, even if wives think they should just know. Sometimes men don't get it, and they don't just know. So you could read I Corinthians 7 to him and ask him how you two could apply that in marriage. Then tell him what you dream of in that area for your life, how often you'd like to do that, and if you want him to initiate and pursue you X number of times per week or whatever, just let him know your hopes and expectations in a non-threatening, perhaps even winsome and inviting manner. (You could make that one a pleasant conversation for him.) Another good one to read is the passage from Proverbs 5 about the man drinking from his own welling, letting his wife's breasts always satisfying her husband, and letting him always be enraptured with her love. You can emphasize always, and tell him you'd like him to be like that with you. Ask if there is anything you can do to make that easier. If you want him to pursue you, tell him and see if he will agree to devote more of his attention to this area.

You might also consider watching some preacher's who preach on marriage on YouTube. There are actually a number of Vloggers on marriage if you look around on YouTube, but the problem is, they are usually for women. The stuff for men is usually more official looking preachers, which is fine. If you look up names like submissivewoman or peacefulwife, and several others, they'll share there are videos sharing their experiences. There are also some Christian couples who've posted videos on YouTube, though I can't think of any I'd recommend.

There are lots of books on marriage. You could read a book with your husband about how to be an excellent wife and keep asking him how you are doing, and ask him to do the same with a book on being a husband, and go through that and with a lot of grace and encouragement, give him feedback on that?

If you are arguing a lot, try to think of good things to be thankful for about your husbands, too. Remember the children of Israel in the desert? They got free bread in the morning that they could just pick up off the ground. But then they started complaining, and in a complaining way, asked for flesh to eat. God sent quail that came out of their noses. They kept getting in trouble for complaining. A wife is a great blessing and a husband is a great blessing. So think of things to thank God for about your husband every day, and then share some of those kind of encouraging words with him. That might help reduce the fighting or at least balance it out--so he won't think of you as the person to avoid because she's always on his case, or vice versa.

 

[dinoguy]

Britt,
Has anything changed since your post?
If not, you've probably heard the joke about the donkey who wouldn't respond to commands until he was hit over the head with a 2x4. Some people are like that.

Men are not as good at picking up on subtleties as women, so you may just have to sit your husband down and tell him, "Look, what's going on here? This isn't how you were before we were married, and this isn't working for me. If you want us to stay together you have to work with me on this relationship."

If he likes to be around the house more than you do, maybe you could agree that you'll go out on Saturdays and hang around the house on Sundays after church?

Actually it's hard to know what to say about the getting out of the house issue. If you both work full time but you want to go out clubbing till midnight every night, most people don't have the energy for that.

 

[Stone-yarder]

If you start from the premise that you cannot change or control other people you will realize the only one left standing there is you. By changing ourselves and fixing our own issues we will eventually allow our spouses to look at themselves. We can only clean our side of the street. Want to know how? Check this out, it is called Helps to emotional stability. It has helped me and many other people around me. Read it once a day for thirty days, the concepts in it are actually from the bible. Fix yourself,stop trying to fix your husband, find a great Christian counselor, and by all means pray, on your knees, with your husband. God is listening.

My Relationship to Myself​

1. Our most common mistake is to believe our feelings and to act on them as if they were reasoned judgments. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS! They may disguise themselves as thoughts, judgments, or decisions; but they are in fact merely impulsive, unreasoning and childish reactions to stimuli. Most stem basically from fear.


<oDown in the depths of our being there lives a scared little boy or girl who reacts to every situation with fear or anger. He has convinced me that he is the “real me”. He is not. I must bring him under control. I don’t argue withhim; I just command him. So whenever I find myself beginning to feel fear or anger, I must immediately say, “STOP THAT!” and do exactly the opposite of what he urges me to do. One cannot reason with feelings – they must be commanded,just like little children.</o


2. The feelings that do me the most harm are worry, anxiety, envy, resentment, anger, and self-pity. They are slow poison to the mind and heart – I cannot afford to indulge them. Nor do I have to indulge them. FEELINGS AND IMPULSES CAN BE CONTROLLED. It takes constant vigilance to spot them when they arise, and constant reaction and self-discipline to put them down, but it can be done. Indeed, it must be done,if we are to regain peace of mind and emotional stability.


Contrary to what you probably believe, it is not your situation that causes your discomfort, but your reaction to the situation. More precisely, your discomfort is caused by your habit of giving in to the feelings with which you react. Say to yourself, “IF I’M NOT THE PROBLEM, THERE IS NO SOLUTION.”


You may not be able to change the situation, but you can change your emotional reaction. If you are like most people, you will try to change the situation: the geographical change (change cities); the occupational change(change jobs); or the marital change (change mates). Experience shows that none of these solutions is effective. The only effective solution to your problem isto change your emotional organization through self-discipline.


3. SELF-CONFIDENCE vs. INADEQUACY. Trust yourself. Accept yourself, as God does. Above all, forgive yourself. You are not better and not worse, not more or less gifted, no more or less intelligent than the average person. Stop doubting yourself – you are better at some things than other people are, and they are better at certain things than you are. Your judgment is as good as most people’s, and better than some.


4. AVERAGENESS. You demand too much of yourself, are harder on yourself than others are on you. Never try to do more than you would expect of the average person in your situation. By the same token, never excuse yourself from doing what you would expect of the average person in your situation. Rule of thumb: what would reasonably be expected of my neighbor? The same can be expected of me.<o></o


5. NEVER MIND “WHY”. It’s not WHY, but WHAT that counts. It doesn’t matter what you think. It doesn’t matter how you feel. IT’S WHAT YOU DO THAT COUNTS.

My Relationship to Others​

1. REACTION. The greatest threat to my emotional well-being comes not from outside, but from within. It is not what other people do or say to me that causes me pain, but the matter in which I react to what they do or say. The problem is not their action, but my reaction. I cannot control them, but I can control myself. In other words, no one can hurt me, upset me, make me sad or glad, UNLESS I LET THEM.


BASIC PRINCIPLE: Never pay any attention whatsoever, internally or externally, to anything anyone says or does to you or about you that is, in your considered, honest opinion, unfair, untrue, unwarranted, unfounded, unjust or exaggerated.


COROLLARY: Never bother to defend yourself (even to yourself), or feel obliged to defend yourself to any person who is unwilling or unable to accept the explanation.


2. CRITICISM. There are only two peoplein the universe whose approval or disapproval should mean anything to me: my own honest self-approval and God’s.


Hence, if someone criticizes me, my first duty is to evaluate the criticism as honestly and emotionally as possible. If the criticism is deserved, I should get mad not at the critic, but at myself, and resolve to act differently in the future. If the criticism is unwarranted, I should feel happy for me, and sorry for the critic (poor guy’s got a problem). Criticism is no problem; my reaction can be. It’s up to me, not to the critic.


3. UNDERSTANDING. You cannot expect any other human being to understand you. You cannot even understand yourself. And it is a good thing, because one doesn’t need to understand nor to be understood to be happy. (One has only to accept and be accepted to be happy). So stop expecting your husband, boss, wife, mother, neighbor, friend or foe to understand you. Psychologists understand patterns of behavior, and that’s all they need to understand to be effective. Prepare to be misunderstood– it’s not important.


4. ACTION. In planning to do something,plan the action on its merits, and never on the basis of how someone else is going to react to it. Do what you think is right. If someone reacts to it unreasonably, that’s their problem, not yours. Live your own life and let them howl, scream, throw tantrums, break things or whatever. At the very least, they will respect you as a person with a mind of your own, not as a doormat. This is the only way to keep your sanity when you have an alcoholic,neurotic, or psychotic husband, wife, boss, or whatever. This manner of acting,in the long run, helps them also.


5. LIVE AND LET LIVE. Otherwise known as keeping your nose clean. Don’t even attempt to live other people’s lives forthem, regardless of their relationship to you (if they are over 18, thatis). You cannot be responsible for the behavior of any other adult human being(nor can you influence it), regardless of his or her relationship to you. WHATEVER IS BEYOND YOUR CONTROL IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Live your own life and let others live theirs. It will give you peace of mind and will help them to live theirs. By all means, pray for them; there is a Power who can help them and will help them, if you invoke Him. This is the kind of help that counts. THERE IS NO PROBLEM SO GREAT THAT GOD AND YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT.

<o</o