Does your spouse go to church with you?

[Nikki]

Just curious. We do not attend a regular church. I have enjoyed visiting different churches. My hubby grew up in a huge church. I grew up in a small church. We can NOT agree on a church though!!! I'm going to visit a Moravian church tomorrow and he REFUSES to go because it's not a Baptist church. He turned his nose up and said "I'm not going to a MORAVIAN church".

UGH!!! This is about the ONLY thing we argue about on a regular basis. He works most Sundays, so it's not often that he can even GO to church, so I keep telling myself to just work on finding one for the kids and myself. I just want him to go though. I hate going to church without my husband because eventually people will start asking me WHY he isn't there and why he won't come and so forth.....

 

[lakesider]

Me and my wife go to church together.

I grew up in a huge church, she a small church. We found a medium church and it worked out well. Recommended by a coworker and also a local surgeon who was treating me.

With recently having a baby, we've had to take a few months off but hope to resume in a few weeks. We attend Sunday School and then stay for the service 70% of the time.

We also participate in at least one or two Sunday night classes (4-6 weeks) a year. They're about an hour long.

I worked a retail job for many many years and working on Sundays is tough. It's also impossible to feel comfortable joining a church or sunday school class when you can only attend once or twice a month. Only after my current job (Mon.-Fri with occasional Saturdays) did we really get into a good habit of attending church on a regular basis.

But I freely but reluctantly admit it was at her urging that we started attending church on a regular basis once my schedule changed to a M-F sort of schedule.

I was never big on sunday school because of the social obligation and feeling 'you have to be there every week or folks will ask lots of questions'. But I say, let them. Sometimes you're tired, sometimes you're sick, sometimes you just can't be there. But sunday school is a great place to learn.

But at least at our church, it's pretty common to migrate from class to class. One class we were in the teachers were just so-so. Then we went to another class where the teacher was better, the class size was bigger but the class was about 5 years too older than us. More grandparents and older parents. Just too old. The current class is a little smaller and has a good teacher more our age, and the folks are having babies and stuff. So we can really relate to them more. But it took us like 3 or 4 classes to feel comfortable and figure out where we were the best fit.

I knew we needed to go, but I don't know, maybe I'm just shy or maybe it's just awkward finding a new church or whatever but I'm glad we finally did. The folks in our sunday school class were a big help for a few weeks when the baby came (visited us at the hospital, brought us a few meals and snacks so we wouldn't have to cook as much, just stopped by to say hi, etc.).

We make it a point to pray at night and in the morning before I leave for work in the morning. Prayer works wonders in my opinion.

But if he's working, I think most folks can understand that. They're just gonna have to. I can see where it's awkward, but not much you can do and they'll just have to deal with it. It's just a fact of life in today's society that to put food on the table, it takes working sunday sometimes.

Just my 2 cents

 

[Nikki]

Thanks for the reply.

It's not just his schedule, it's the fact that he WON'T go to some of the churches either. He'll sometimes go to a church that we've attended before, but he will ONLY go to a Baptist church. I have visited many other churches (non-denominational, Methodist, Baptist, etc) that I like just as much if not more. All I go by is what they believe and teach. THAT is more important to me than the denomination.

It's just frustrating. I told him that since he can't go all the time and since there are times he just plain WON'T go, I'm going to focus on me and the kids.

 

[lovely]

Nikki,

I began attending church with my husband when we were married. He was a Southern Baptist. I was/am a Calvinist. I believe that it is best for a husband to decide on where to worship, and what denomination that would be, because he is the spiritual leader of the home. Though I held a different belief for about the first five years of our marriage, it never interferred with our worship. God gave him to lead me, not the other way around. If your husband wants to attend a specific denomination of church, I would not visit one that does not align with that. His schedule may change, and he may be attending eventually...or you could attend in the evening instead. Either way, should you expect him to attend a church chosen through your leading, that conflicts with his specific desires for his family? Trust him, Nikki, even if he can not attend right now. He is protecting you, and leading you, the only way he can presently, until his schedule changes.

Eventually, my husband, after much study, came to believe in the Calvinist doctrine. We continued at the SB church because my husband was comfortable worshiping there, along with a few other Calivinists that had been long time members. About three years before he died, the SB church began to teach that Calvinism was a cult. They no longer desired to have Calvinists among them. We stayed, and prayed for a church for another year. Then, several men, pastors, got together to begin a Sovereign Grace Baptist fellowship...eventually becoming a church. That church was a huge blessing, and answered prayer, for our family...small, and loving, and earnestly seeking Christ. They were a great support to us.

After my dh passed on, we (myself and three little ones) continued to attend. I had never been without him in worship prior to that. Each time we had a visitor, I cringed at the thought of them asking me where my husband was. I still struggle, nearly 18 months after his death, with this. So silly, but I know what you mean when you say you do not like to attend without him. I find myself missing church because of it at times. It feels incomplete somehow. Of course, the Lord is working on my heart about this. I am there to focus on God, and serve Him in worship. My dh's absence should not affect this...it is a superficial feeling, and should not come in between worship of my Lord. I am praying that God will help me be more content in this matter, and help me to focus on my relationship with Him. The other stuff is just me worrying about sentimental things that aren't truly important.

I will pray that your husband's schedule changes, or that you can attend in a service that is on another night.

Blessings.

 

[Nikki]

But my hubby is NOT the spiritual leader. He would prefer not to go to church at all. He has been saved, but he doesn't believe that you HAVE to go to church. I don't believe that you have to either, but I believe that a christian SHOULD. It's so hard to find a good church anymore. So many are allowing things that shouldn't be allowed just to attract a younger crowd. Some are going against what the bible says. The preacher at the church my hubby grew up in is so racist that I REFUSE to go there.

I wanted to go to a Moravian church yesterday that's right at the top of our road and he kept saying "I'm not going there. I'm not moravian". I was like "You're nothing! You don't even GO to church anymore!". He said "You're right, but I grew up baptist and that's the only church that I'll go to". Yet, when I've found baptist churches that I think he'd like, he always comes up with an excuse not to go. I believe he's saved, but he's very spiritually weak. I could talk about God all day long, but he clams up. I used to be that way, so I don't push it. I just pray that he'll get closer to God than what he is.


So, I'm pretty much on my own here.

 

[lovely]

Nikki,

I understand how you are feeling. It does seem the only thing to do is step in, and lead your children to church, but God does things differently than the world. As I said, I do not care for attending church alone, but God puts us in these circumstances to teach us, and those around us.

I want to share a sweet friend of mine's experience with her own husband. She married an atheist, being quite rebellious to God during that brief time in her life. Then, of course, God restored her to Him, and caused her to serve Him feverishly. Her husband, however, did not believe, and did not desire to be associated with it. She fought with him so much in those early years...Why does the church get her one of the two days a week that he should see her? Why does she pay the church tithes and offering when it is money he is earning? These types of things. To see the two of them struggle this way just broke my heart. I was quite young in my marriage as well. She and I began a study on the ministry of being a wife and mother. We began by encouraging each other to not speak words, about our husbands, that may bring them dishonor. The results, for me, were nearly instant. My husband, being a believer, was dedicated to the idea that we would both improve ourselves as God would have us do...it spurned me on. My friend, however, was faced with more problems. She decided that he was her head, her spiritual leader, and she would obey him no matter what he asked of her. We began praying for her husband's salvation. I watched her weep, ask for prayer when she could not pray herself, and beg others to have faith where she lacked it. As time passed...7 years to be exact...she was growing into a woman of grace...just beautiful. Her husband, after the church we all attended began, started attending because her brother and father were involved in the planning. He felt like he wanted to support his family on their endeavors. Two years he attended our church, faithfully supporting everything. The third year, he made a confession of faith. Then he was baptized. Now, this man who was so against God, and against his wife going to church and paying tithes, had a heart change. I give God all the glory in this, but I sincerely believe that it was the heart change in his wife that began it all. She truly won him with her conduct. Had she been fussing with him, he would have never attended church with her family, and he would have never heard God's Holy Word, and he would not be a believer today.

Your husband is your spiritual leader because God put him in that position, not because he is somehow a stronger, or more mature, Christian. He is leading, even if he thinks he is not, or you think he is not. You are right to ask the Lord to draw him nearer, that should be the standard prayer for all of us. If he is telling you where he will not go, then he is leading. It is false to think that you have some obligation to pick up the slack, in a specific area of your life, and take on the lead, when that is his responsibility. If you initiate a decision, or make it, he will not ever lead...because you are. If you want him to be head of his home spiritually, and I am just assuming you do here, then you must not take over. This is hard for us when we think that our husbands should be doing this, or that. The thing is, you are not on your own here. God is with you, and can work on your family's behalf through your obedience and trust in Him. He requires that you submit to your husband on all matters. He is the leader, end of story. You are not, end of story. Just as Sarah took matters into her own hands...so do we at times out of fear. It is not right, and has consequences. If your husband doesn't want to attend church on a regular basis, then do what he wants. By honoring him, and trusting him, you will minister to him. He will be won over by your conduct...not by nagging, or fussing, about church. You can not teach him, only God can. If he doesn't mind you going when he can not, then go where he allows you to go. God will grow him at His pace, and in His own way. It is only for you to trust God, by trusting your husband in this matter.

I provided this link before, but I wanted to go to a specific article I thought was interesting and applicable..."Please Yourself, You Usually Do!" I posted it below.
http://www.aboverubies.org

PLEASE YOURSELF, YOU USUALLY DO!

The Bible was open before me and notes were everywhere as I waited on God to give me this anointed message on submission. You can imagine my shock when several hours into this study God spoke to me and said, "Val, you cannot teach this message." A little unnerved I asked, "Why not?" His answer to my heart was, "Because you don’t know what submission is!"

Now I don’t mind admitting that I was shocked.

"Lord, do you realise that I’m Val Stares from Above Rubies? I’ve always encouraged submission." "Yes," was the reply, "but you still don’t know how to submit."

By now I was on the defensive. "But. Lord, you know that every time I want something, or desire to go somewhere, I always ask my husband first."

"And what is his reply?"

"He says for me to please myself. Oh yes, he always adds, ‘you usually do.’ I don’t know why he says that because he’s already given me permission to do what I think best. After all, Lord, if I didn’t want what I asked for, I wouldn’t ask for it."

"If you are serious about learning submission, Val, then I want you to go to your husband and tell him that from now on he needs to answer you, "yes" or "no." If he says that you can please yourself, then you will take that as his disapproval and will stay home or go without. There is to be no pouting, no banging doors, no attitude of annoyance or hurt when this happens."

I desired to obey the Lord, so I bowled out to the shed where my husband could always be found. He is a cabinetmaker and works at home. I shared with him the plan that God had laid out before me.

"I can’t wait!" he roared, laughing. "You’ll never be able to do it." I felt annoyed at him for thinking I was so weak, but it didn’t matter, as I didn’t want to go anywhere or have anything at that time. So far, the strategy was easy.

About three weeks later, a visiting speaker came to town. Everyone was excited. "Are you coming, Val?" I was asked. "Sure I will," I answered. "I wouldn’t miss this for anything." Finally it was time to ask my husband if I could go. Out to the shed I went, told him what was happening and asked if I could go. As usual, I left everything until the last minute! Can you guess his reply? "Please yourself, you usually do."

Suddenly I remembered my pact with God. I was speechless as the enormity of the situation began to impact my brain. I can’t go! Worse still, I can’t say anything. I raced into the bedroom and pleaded with God, "He’s forgotten he has to say "yes" or "no." Can’t I just remind him?" "No" came the answer to my heart.

Perhaps pleading would help. "Lord, this is a special overseas visitor to our church. He may never come this way again. His message could change my life. I’m told I shouldn’t miss his teaching."

"I’m teaching you." Was the awesome reply. By now you would think I would be still, but no, I had to have one more shot. "Lord, couldn’t I just have a shower and get ready so that it will help to jog my husband’s memory." "No!"

It was too much for me. I couldn’t do anything. My emotions were getting the better of me. If I was going to obey God, I would have to divert them. I began cleaning the house to help relieve the tension. Around the time I should have left for the meeting, my husband walked in to find me cleaning. "I thought you were going out to a meeting," he said. You would have been proud of me. As sweetly as I could manage, and it wasn’t easy, I answered. "No, darling. Remember I told you that from now on I’m not going to please myself. God said you have to say ‘yes" or "no", otherwise I must stay home.

What do you think happened? He relented and said I could go? No. My husband is a gentleman and very slow to anger. This time he was livid! "If you want to be so stupid, you can stay home!" he shouted as he stormed out. It was then that the full revelation of what God was teaching me became clear.

I had overridden my husband’s decision so many times that he was now robbed of any desire to lead. He must have felt so cheated. Now, by God’s hand, he was responsible for me staying home, but what hurt me most was the realisation that it was me, the Christian wife, who had robbed him!

I wasn’t bossy when we married. I just grew that way. My husband is a cautious man and rather slow at making decisions. My impatience at waiting for an answer caused me to make more and more decisions myself and he would go along with me for the sake of peace. When you’ve got children hanging out for answers, it’s easy to get caught up in this syndrome.

I stayed home for several weeks after that, while we both learned our respective roles. I thought I’d have to stay home forever! Gradually, my husband began to say "yes" or "no" without the added adage of pleasing myself.

As I continued to study the scriptures on the subject of submission, I realised that this was something I had to do of my own volition.

Ephesians 5:22, "Wives, submit yourself unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." Are you like me and sometimes wish he hadn’t written that last phrase?

Colossians 3:18, "Wives, submit yourself unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."

The Greek word for ‘submission’ is ‘hupotasso’ which means ‘to place yourself under.’ In each of these scriptures, God is telling us ‘to place ourselves under our husband’s authority.’ God is not telling husbands to make us obey or make us come under their authority. We do it because we love God and our husbands, and because He has asked us to. It is our choice.

In my mind I saw my broom raised to a horizontal position above my head. The handle was labeled, "My husband’s Authority." I could see that if he were in his rightful position, I would be able to walk beneath it in an upright position. This upright position was one of honour, security, love – and a surprise I didn’t expect or notice until much later – power!

As I pondered my imaginary broom handle, I realized that I couldn’t stand upright beneath my husband’s authority. No, I would have to bend to get beneath it, mainly because he had been slowly robbed of his rightful authority, and secondly, because he now had no compulsion to take it up. My futile efforts only seemed to make matters worse. Just as my husband couldn’t make me submit, I wasn’t able to make him lead. Both were individual heart decisions. God gently showed me that I would have to learn to bend my attitudes until I could get under his authority. I had to become flexible. Just because the things I wanted to do were good things, didn’t necessarily mean they were what my husband wanted to do. He could have other plans.

But then I realized that even bending wouldn’t be enough to get under his authority. It would take more than a little bending. Perhaps, if I kneeled! Oh what a humbling position, but if that was what it would take, I would go that far. I realized that I was measuring myself against Bill instead of the Word of God. I was the one who was reading the Word each day, praying, and going to all the church meetings and he wasn’t. But God wanted me to measure myself by the attitude of Jesus and His example in 1 Peter 2:18-23, "For what glory is it, if when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? But if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps...Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously....Likewise, (with the same spirit of Jesus) ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the Word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation (the manner of life) of the wives." I had become so religious that I had failed to see that I would be pleasing the Lord more by obeying and submitting to my husband than attending every church meeting and programme.

However, it still wasn’t low enough! There was only one position left! My husband’s authority was so low that I had to lie down to get under it. Yes, I had to lay down my life! To get my marriage back into its rightful order, I took this position. I placed myself there. No one made me. It took sacrifice and I had to lay down all my own rights. But I desired to be where God wanted me to be. It was the only position from where I could help my husband to take up his leadership role again. With God’s help and guidance I took one step at a time. The hardest part lasted only for a season. The rewards are for a lifetime and eternity.

What happened to that feared and dreaded ‘door mat’, the so-called intimidated mousy wife who gets no say? It was a lie. It had no substance or power. I can now stand up straight, and walk upright, secure and loved under his protection. On this side of submission, I have more say because my opinion is of greater value than before.

One word of warning - submission is a daily practice, not a one-time act. I have to daily check my attitude and the humility of my heart. Is my life daily laid down for my best friend, my husband, Bill?

VAL STARES
Gold Coast, Queensland

 

[Sophistress]

Right-O. :o

 

[Quath]

Kind of a sad story to me. A woman has to teach herself to be a slave to believe she is fit for her religion. It seems that religion is mostly about control, not betterment of people.

it amazes me that people do not see that God's will is the same as the desires of the men that wrote the Bible.

Quath

 

[Sophistress]

Kind of a sad story to me. A woman has to teach herself to be a slave to believe she is fit for her religion. It seems that religion is mostly about control, not betterment of people.

it amazes me that people do not see that God's will is the same as the desires of the men that wrote the Bible.

Quath

It is sad. Sad also for the writer's [and those who agree] daughters who will in turn be taught that they must live in subservience to men in order to please their God.

 

[Nikki]

Lovely,

Sorry it took so long to reply. As much as you're probably right, that's not something I'm willing to do. If I want to go to church, then darn it, I'm going. He's NEVER tried to stop me. My hubby has always let me make my own decisions and all he asks is that I don't force him to agree with me. (example: his family won't accept his sisters bi-racial child and his family is constantly on my case because I want to be in the childs life. Yet, my hubby has told me that I can do what I want to do, but don't expect him to make the same decision as me.) As much as it sometimes hurts, I'm thankful that he doesn't try to force me to do opposite of what I feel. Now, if it was a life or death situation, it would be different and I would hope he'd FORCE ME to NOT do the harmful thing.

So, I'm ok for now. He usually works Sunday's anyways, and can't usually go, so I keep telling myself that. And he's said that he really doesn't WANT to find a church to go to. He doesn't feel that church is necessary.

We have a pretty good marriage, so I shouldn't complain about the few things that we DO argue about.

 

[spirit1st]

GOD told me if a man would do 3 things ,HE would take care of everything else 1-take family to church
2-get down and pray with family
3-read the bible with family

 

[lovely]

Hi Nikki,

I was just posting the article as an example of one woman's faith. Please take it as an encouragement, not a judgement. If your husband allows you to attend without him...that is a blessing. I know those feelings that you were speaking about as you are sitting there alone. I have been praying for myself, and you about them. Blessings.

Seems like you guys had an awesome vacation. My turn next, okay?

 

[Lyric's Dad]

Kind of a sad story to me. A woman has to teach herself to be a slave to believe she is fit for her religion. It seems that religion is mostly about control, not betterment of people.

it amazes me that people do not see that God's will is the same as the desires of the men that wrote the Bible.

Quath

Man, I bet you have the sharpest axe in the free world with all that grinding you do.

 

[Lyric's Dad]

My wife and I attended together until I left the mormon church at which time she decided to leave altogether. Oh well, I traded a wife for Jesus. I think I came out on top. Would have rather experienced the awesome God together but Jesus comes first. Now it is just me and my daughter.

 

[Nikki]

Hi Nikki,

I was just posting the article as an example of one woman's faith. Please take it as an encouragement, not a judgement. If your husband allows you to attend without him...that is a blessing. I know those feelings that you were speaking about as you are sitting there alone. I have been praying for myself, and you about them. Blessings.

Seems like you guys had an awesome vacation. My turn next, okay?

I didn't take that as judgement. If you offended me, believe me, I'd let you know... :

I know you are trying to help. You are obviously a stronger woman than I am. I guess I could say that I'm pretty stubborn in my own ways. Thankfully, my hubby knew that well before we got married. He's got his own stubborn side, but he doesn't vocalize it like I do!

It's just embarrassing to always go without him and having to explain why he's not there. When he works, it's simple...I just say he's working. That's why when he CAN go, I don't go. I won't like about why he's not there and I'm too embarrased to tell the truth. So, I just don't go then.

Also, remember that it depends on the church. If it's a baptist church, he's more apt to go with me. If it's something other than baptist, then forget it. I go alone with the girls.

He's such a pain in the butt sometimes.... :

I've tried to get him to post on here, but he's not a talker and he doesn't do the forum thing. He'd rather watch tv. :roll:

 

[Nikki]

My wife and I attended together until I left the mormon church at which time she decided to leave altogether. Oh well, I traded a wife for Jesus. I think I came out on top. Would have rather experienced the awesome God together but Jesus comes first. Now it is just me and my daughter.

Did you all split up because she left church? Or did you men she left YOU and your daughter altogether?

I'm sorry to hear that, but it sounds to me like you're doing a great job by yourself. Kuddos to you! It's men like you that give the real meaning of the word "daddy".
:angel:

 

[Lyric's Dad]

My wife and I attended together until I left the mormon church at which time she decided to leave altogether. Oh well, I traded a wife for Jesus. I think I came out on top. Would have rather experienced the awesome God together but Jesus comes first. Now it is just me and my daughter.

Did you all split up because she left church? Or did you men she left YOU and your daughter altogether?

I'm sorry to hear that, but it sounds to me like you're doing a great job by yourself. Kuddos to you! It's men like you that give the real meaning of the word "daddy".
:angel:

She decided to leave. She is still a staunch mormon. I appreciate the kind words. Single parenting is not easy but it is a wonderful thing when you realize the relationship that you have with your kid.

 

[paisley]

Nikki, if your husband will only attend a Southern Baptist church, then I would find a Southern Baptist church and make it my home. I would also very kindly let him know that you are doing this out of respect for him as your husband. I would then leave it at that. I would not nag him to come to church. I would just pray for him. If you attend another church when he is working and agree to attend "his" church when he is willing to go, then you might find that you and your children will fall in love with another church and a spiritual divide will form where neither of you are willing to attend the other's church and he will now have NO motivation to attend church at all since it would mean going alone. Right now at least you and the kids are willing to attend a Baptist church so there is some unity there. The kids understand that dad does not always attend church because he is working, but it might give them the wrong message if you and your husband decide to do your own things in regards to the church. This is one area I would want to show a unified front for my children. I would want them to see mom and dad in agreement on God and the church.