How to approach a damaged heart

[hansrobosacs]

About six months ago, me and a girl started finding mutual interest in one another. We really weren't looking for each other, and without any effort of our own, it just happened! Things went so well for about a month, talking on the phone, sending each other messages, etc...then things on her end just dropped off. She just changed, and so when I asked her about it, she was kind of dodgy and just dropped the whole thing. We left it at "if we're supposed to date, God will smack us both in the face." Immediately after we decided that, she was talking to someone else. A few months go by and we're still friends, albeit awkward, and finally she realizes that she has hurt me and asks if we can talk. She basically tells me that she has been hurt by some bad guys in the past and she will now only let guys come so close before she pushes them away. She talked about how she has become so jaded by dating. She was still "talking" to someone else at the time, so we didn't move towards anything. However, she ran away from that guy too! Immediately after that one, she had someone else, but ran away from him!

It is clear that she has been damaged and knows it, but can't seem to stop it. I truly, truly care for her and I am unsure how to approach the situation. We have become pretty good friends, nothing too close, but we get along really well. I am still sooo interested in her, and to be honest I think she has everything I am looking for. The only problem is I don't know what to do! I think she's single right now, and as much as I am willing to put my neck out there to pursue a relationship with her, I am scared she will hurt me again. I want to tell her how I feel and how I am worried about her, but I don't know if I should. I know God is totally in control here, but I am unsure where His control ends, and where free-will begins. I want to do something, but I am afraid that it won't be what God wants me to do. I want to remain in the center of His will for me, but I don't know how to approach this one. Any comments or suggestions would be great! Thank you!

 

[Blazin Bones]

Firstly, welcome to the site. I think you've come to a great place to get some advice.

I, myself, am dating an amazing young lady who has seen her share of heartache and rough days. We just clicked at the start, and while we've never had this kind of thing come between us, we have had several times where her past has come back to annoy us.

For us, I think the biggest thing has been talking about where she's been. My sweetheart has had such a past that it has been hard at times to get her to lopen up to me, but with time, she has and our relationship has gotten deeper as a result. It may sound cliche, but right now, you may just need to be there for her. Let her know you will listen to her, but let her come to talk when she's ready. It's not easy, but it's just what works.

Time heals most wounds, but the wounded person needs to want healing as well. I one beautiful gal who is very sweet, but she has let a rough life keep her trapped for years. I offered that young lady the same kind of listening ear, and she wasn't ready to move foward and run from the things that have been hurting her.

I guess step one is to just keep praying for God to reveal his plan and give you the strength to follow it. Step two, is loving this girl for who God made her to be, not even considering your attraction until you know it must be discussed. How will you know? Just keep praying.

I hope this helps.

 

[heather]

As tough as this is to say... Timothy is right. First off, pray constantly. God always gives us an answer so that our joy will be complete! Maybe His answer is wait. Secondly, having been there myself, she want a friend who she knows has the shoulders to bear her issues with her. My husband started out as my best friend. She may want someone to hold her when she cries and listens to her when she needs an ear. Eventually, she'll start to heal, and if it's God's will for the two of you, He will bring you together. I hope this helps!

 

[Blazin Bones]

Should I be hurt by the opening of that last post heather? ;) The truth is that a love worth having doesn't have any simple fixes or solutions. True love usually takes time.

 

[heather]

Should I be hurt by the opening of that last post heather? ;)

Not at all! It's simply tough to say because it's doubly tough to hear (or read)!

 

[hansrobosacs]

Thank you both for your feedback! I hope that more people will chime in on this subject, as I am looking for all of the guidance I can find!

I know that to pursue a romantic relationship at this point is completely foolish, and so I feel I am supposed to be there for her. However, we have only had one or two really serious, deep conversations before. Other than that it's just enjoying each other's company with laughter and jokes. I am always there to help when she needs me, and I feel I have built up some trust between us in that regard. I still don't know if our relationship is at a point where she would be comfortable talking to me though, especially since we have had a romantic past...I am worried she might think I am only offering my shoulder in an attempt to win her heart. I can't and won't go into this with any form of selfish ambition guiding my steps!

I am praying for Him to grow the relationship to a point where we can open up to each other more, and so that things might get resolved for her. I don't know how I should approach it, though. To be honest, starting deep, personal conversations isn't something I have a particular amount of experience at. Should I confront her, just tell her that if she ever needs to talk I'm here, ask her to meet me somewhere? I am hoping that God will reveal every detail of the steps I am to take here, because I hate guesswork!

She is entering into her last semester of college, and the pressure to find someone is building up for her. She wants that relationship so badly, but can't bring herself to fight for it. I can see her fighting with herself over the whole thing. She seems to watch all of her friends getting married, and is lost as to why she hasn't found that yet. I have seen her crying by herself before, but when I gestured to her she shrugged it off like she wasn't really sad.

She is out of town for a few more weeks, and I am taking this time to distance myself and truly seek what Christ would have for me. I am finding a peace in my heart about the whole thing, and that says tome that I am on the right track. Any more feedback on any part of this would be much appreciated!!

In Christ

 

[sheshisown]

Hi Hans is it?

I have a small word that describes the way Jesus ministered to the broken and damaged hearts about Him.

Matthew 12:20 A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory.

Can you picture our Savior kneeling beside a bit of kindling and gently puffing His breath into it as the spark became flame? Or wading through long soft water reeds ever so gingerly being among them?

This, I believe is the way our Lord ministered to wounded hearts.
Wade ever so gingerly beside her if your own heart can bear it in Christ, you my brother are as precious in His sight as she is. Be honest with her about how you feel. Jesus IS the truth. The truth sets us free. She may grow to entrust her heart to you as she entrusts her soul anew to Jesus. Then, wait patiently, the time (God's time), when her love is kindled and your affectionate love can breathe the light of love into her once again.

How selfless is our Saviors tender love. :smt049 An older sister, bonnie

 

[heather]

Bonnie is so right.

I have to admit that there are (and were) very specific things that I'd love to change about my husband. So, I decided that I'd do what any godly wife would and I started to pray. But the thing was, God didn't change him, He changed me! And then He changed him. Start praising God for this woman, then continue praying for her heart to be healed not in you, but in Christ. Lastly, pray that God changes you into the man that He wants you to be and that God will either bring her closer to you when He is ready, or to send the woman that God has intended for you into your life. Is all of this confusing you? But before you can make her (or any woman) your bride, you need to make yourself the bride of Christ. Strengthen your relationship in Him... consistently be bringing all of your wants, and needs, to the Lord. He will fill you needs so that your joy is complete.

Philippians 4:6 tells us: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God

Let us know if you need anything else, or if you don't fully understand something.

 

[hansrobosacs]

Thank you once again for your feedback. Here is a bit of an update on my situation:

This semester has started again and since she has come back into town we have gotten along great. There haven't really been any opportunities to talk to her one-on-one, but we do have a class together coming up next month, so I hope He will work with that somehow. I am still feeling the burden of helping her very prevalently. My problem is I sometimes have trouble controlling my emotions. My feelings for her get the better of me, and I act like a fool when I'm around her. I am torn between my desire for a romantic relationship and where I feel He has called me to be...a friend to her. I find that road very dangerous for me.

Recently, one of the guys she was "talking" to before has come back into her life, somewhat aggressively. he is very forward and good at saying the right things! he is a good, Christian guy and would treat her right I think. He's been after her since high school on and off. This has made me re-evaluate what God is telling me to do. I try to justify reasons to get away from this and I get scared... I am afraid she will reject me, afraid that I will miss the message He's trying to send me, afraid that I can't be the man He has called me to be. My doubt and fear sometimes become too much. I wonder if this struggle is simply bumps in the road or Him telling me to turn back. The only clear-cut message I have received is that which has been confirmed in the Word: "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness..." That says to me I need to seek to be a Godly man to her first and not a romantic interest. To help her to allow Christ to pour His love back into her heart where she has kept Him out for so long. But in order to do that, our relationship between us must grow, and I don't know how far He wants it to. I know I want it to grow beyond friends, but I don't know if that is His will or not.

I am still walking in the direction of a deepened friendship, but listening for that still, small voice to direct me elsewhere. I am trying my best to turn my back on how I feel, because it seems to slow me down. If I truly care about her well-being, I need to be willing to sacrifice what I want out of this relationship.

 

[heather]

Sometimes, that's the point...learning to let go. I pray that God gives you a clear answer. Remember that He always answers so that our joy is complete. His answer may simply be, "Wait."

Lord, be with this young man as he seeks you first in his life. Bless him in his talents and use him as a tool to further your Kingdom. Help him to keep a steady head and a clear heart. Lead him where you want him and help him to keep you first. I ask all of this in your heavenly name. Amen.

I hope things get much better for you and your bleeding heart.

 

[Pogo]

hansrobosacs -

You seem to be off-balance...obsessed...with this one person!

NO one should be letting their whole world revolve around one person until they are engaged/married.

Then, their whole world should ONLY revolve around that one person!

You NEED to be socially active, and involved with others.

Plus, she needs to SEE you being socially active, and involved with others!

In Christ,

Pogo