Marriage and Alcohol Issues

[Becky23]

Hi all - looking for advice. For context:
- We are both 33, married for 9 years, known eachother for 16yrs
- We have a 6 year old and a baby
- I work full time, he is in year 1 of a franchise business
- Outside of the alcohol issue, I'd say our relationship is otherwise healthy and we love each other and are committed to the marriage and our family.

Now to the problem:
- when my husband was 18 his father dies from a head injury sustained while very drunk after a party. He was only 38. (Family are still all heavy drinkers to this day.)
- age 22 - we start dating - we drink recreationally but it doesn't seem problematic
- age 27 - my drinking tapers off as I have our first child and I rarely drink afterwards. My husbands drinking accelerates. Friends and coworkers are heavy drinkers.
- age 30 - his drinking is getting really bad. Stressful job and bad friends are factors.. He gets more aggressive touching on violent (only when drunk). I'm talking screaming at me, throwing chairs, threatening to shoot himself if I leave.. when he's sober I plead with him to cut back, quit. All to no avail. Dumping out bottles at home enrages him.. he hides them or drinks before coming home. I was preparing an exit plan just in case. Eventually he rear-ended someone while drunk coming home from work. He was able to get out of it with a reckless driving charge. He stopped drinking altogether after this for 6 months. I thought we were in the clear.
Age 31 - after his bday he decided to just drink beer on weekends. Gets a different job and drops the bad friends so I think its okay for him to enjoy a few beers.
Age 32 - weekend beers become weekday beers. Mixed drinks on weekends. Only had conflicts a few times, nothing crazy. I figure I'll let him enjoy the holidays and he'll have the sense to use the new year as a clean slate. Wrong.
Age 33 - now I'm seeing bottles of whiskey and tequila in the garage and he's sipping out of sight and coming back in and I can tell he's moody and out of sorts. He was pushing our older daughter around this last weekend and made her cry for no reason. When I said something about it, he got mad at me and went to bed (passed out at 530pm). I'm so afraid we are just walking back to the hell we left behind 3 years ago.

What can I do to get through to him? I've prayed to God to speak to him, help him conquer this addiction but it seems to be just coming back no matter what I do or say or ask or beg. He won't do a group like AA, doesn't want to talk to his family about it, and when I push it just leads to fights. I'm terrified he's going to follow his fathers path and something tragic will happen.

Can anyone offer advice or experience getting through to someone with this type of problem?

 

[Anaphora]

Hello sister.
If he's not Christian or non believers. It could be grounds for divorce. I

Adultery. Neglect or abuse.

1 Corinthians chapter 5 . Don't associate with anyone who claims to be brother or sister. Idolatry, sexually immoral, greedy, slanders, drunks or swindler.

These Christian people won't inherit kingdom of God.
Essentially speaking, they're Reprobates.

Ephesians chapter 5:3-7. Cross reference.

Discipline is the key to body of christ. Anyone who claims to be Christian, and is not disciplined, is not Christian.

2 Corinthians chapter 13:7. Now I pray to God that ye do no evil ; not that we should appear approved., but that ye should do that which is honest, though we be as reprobates.

13:6. . But I trust that ye shall know that we are not reprobates.

1 Corinthians chapter 5 tells us who failed the test. Its reprobates.

My advice. Move in with your mother or dad. Or sister or brother.

Violence is absolutely unacceptable.

Adultery is absolutely Unacceptable.

This is very toxic environment.

In 2018. I moved away from narcissist. I was emotionally and psychologically abused. It was toxic environment. I prayed to Jesus. And He helped me.

Pray to Jesus. Repent sins to God. God can deliver you out of your situation.

Peace.

 

[Riven]

Hi all - looking for advice. For context:
- We are both 33, married for 9 years, known eachother for 16yrs
- We have a 6 year old and a baby
- I work full time, he is in year 1 of a franchise business
- Outside of the alcohol issue, I'd say our relationship is otherwise healthy and we love each other and are committed to the marriage and our family.

Now to the problem:
- when my husband was 18 his father dies from a head injury sustained while very drunk after a party. He was only 38. (Family are still all heavy drinkers to this day.)
- age 22 - we start dating - we drink recreationally but it doesn't seem problematic
- age 27 - my drinking tapers off as I have our first child and I rarely drink afterwards. My husbands drinking accelerates. Friends and coworkers are heavy drinkers.
- age 30 - his drinking is getting really bad. Stressful job and bad friends are factors.. He gets more aggressive touching on violent (only when drunk). I'm talking screaming at me, throwing chairs, threatening to shoot himself if I leave.. when he's sober I plead with him to cut back, quit. All to no avail. Dumping out bottles at home enrages him.. he hides them or drinks before coming home. I was preparing an exit plan just in case. Eventually he rear-ended someone while drunk coming home from work. He was able to get out of it with a reckless driving charge. He stopped drinking altogether after this for 6 months. I thought we were in the clear.
Age 31 - after his bday he decided to just drink beer on weekends. Gets a different job and drops the bad friends so I think its okay for him to enjoy a few beers.
Age 32 - weekend beers become weekday beers. Mixed drinks on weekends. Only had conflicts a few times, nothing crazy. I figure I'll let him enjoy the holidays and he'll have the sense to use the new year as a clean slate. Wrong.
Age 33 - now I'm seeing bottles of whiskey and tequila in the garage and he's sipping out of sight and coming back in and I can tell he's moody and out of sorts. He was pushing our older daughter around this last weekend and made her cry for no reason. When I said something about it, he got mad at me and went to bed (passed out at 530pm). I'm so afraid we are just walking back to the hell we left behind 3 years ago.

What can I do to get through to him? I've prayed to God to speak to him, help him conquer this addiction but it seems to be just coming back no matter what I do or say or ask or beg. He won't do a group like AA, doesn't want to talk to his family about it, and when I push it just leads to fights. I'm terrified he's going to follow his fathers path and something tragic will happen.

Can anyone offer advice or experience getting through to someone with this type of problem?

AA. There might be something that's driving him to drink. Gotta get to the root cause of his heavy drinking.

 

[Who Me]

What can I do to get through to him? I've prayed to God to speak to him, help him conquer this addiction but it seems to be just coming back no matter what I do or say or ask or beg. He won't do a group like AA, doesn't want to talk to his family about it, and when I push it just leads to fights. I'm terrified he's going to follow his fathers path and something tragic will happen.

May I suggest that when you know he is sober that you ask him if you can talk.
If he is agreeable to sit down with him, it's less confrontational, and tell him you love him but are worried that his drinking will be the death of him or the serious injury of your self and/or daughter.
Let him respond.
Repeat that you are frightened he will kill himself while drunk or harm yourself or your daughter, ask him who will protect the pair of you when he is an angry violent drunk.
Let him respond.
Point out he has a problem and that you are willing, you want to help him, but he has to want to change.

You may have to have this conversation several times.
AA is a large part of the answer, but he has to want to change and be willing to be open and talk about his problem.
Unfortunately you need to have a plan b, especially if he will not change and becomes violently drunk in the home.

 

[GodsGrace]

Hi all - looking for advice. For context:
- We are both 33, married for 9 years, known eachother for 16yrs
- We have a 6 year old and a baby
- I work full time, he is in year 1 of a franchise business
- Outside of the alcohol issue, I'd say our relationship is otherwise healthy and we love each other and are committed to the marriage and our family.

Now to the problem:
- when my husband was 18 his father dies from a head injury sustained while very drunk after a party. He was only 38. (Family are still all heavy drinkers to this day.)
- age 22 - we start dating - we drink recreationally but it doesn't seem problematic
- age 27 - my drinking tapers off as I have our first child and I rarely drink afterwards. My husbands drinking accelerates. Friends and coworkers are heavy drinkers.
- age 30 - his drinking is getting really bad. Stressful job and bad friends are factors.. He gets more aggressive touching on violent (only when drunk). I'm talking screaming at me, throwing chairs, threatening to shoot himself if I leave.. when he's sober I plead with him to cut back, quit. All to no avail. Dumping out bottles at home enrages him.. he hides them or drinks before coming home. I was preparing an exit plan just in case. Eventually he rear-ended someone while drunk coming home from work. He was able to get out of it with a reckless driving charge. He stopped drinking altogether after this for 6 months. I thought we were in the clear.
Age 31 - after his bday he decided to just drink beer on weekends. Gets a different job and drops the bad friends so I think its okay for him to enjoy a few beers.
Age 32 - weekend beers become weekday beers. Mixed drinks on weekends. Only had conflicts a few times, nothing crazy. I figure I'll let him enjoy the holidays and he'll have the sense to use the new year as a clean slate. Wrong.
Age 33 - now I'm seeing bottles of whiskey and tequila in the garage and he's sipping out of sight and coming back in and I can tell he's moody and out of sorts. He was pushing our older daughter around this last weekend and made her cry for no reason. When I said something about it, he got mad at me and went to bed (passed out at 530pm). I'm so afraid we are just walking back to the hell we left behind 3 years ago.

What can I do to get through to him? I've prayed to God to speak to him, help him conquer this addiction but it seems to be just coming back no matter what I do or say or ask or beg. He won't do a group like AA, doesn't want to talk to his family about it, and when I push it just leads to fights. I'm terrified he's going to follow his fathers path and something tragic will happen.

Can anyone offer advice or experience getting through to someone with this type of problem?

You know that you cannot change anyone else - you could only change yourself.
In this case I doubt it would do any good for you to change anything about yourself to make things better.

If he becomes abusive and/or dangerous, my only suggestion would be to remove yourself from this situation. Physically get out of the home. Could you go to a parent for a while? Maybe he needs to see and understand how serious this is. Apparently, he doesn't think there's any problem and until he accepts that there is, things willl just continue.