Marriage question - Only reply if married or divorced

[bowhunter]

Very first post, I am married, 2 grown kids,5 grandchildren, wife put me through a lot, mostly financial, now bankrupt, during that time i met someone else, have been seeing her for 4 years, wife found out after the first year, told her it was over, but it isn't,. I have turned to god, praying and praying, reading, i have no one family or otherwise to turn to i pray for gods help , i have put it into his hands, i do love this other person, and can't stop seeing her, i know this is sin, i have asked god to forgive me, but i continue, i am a compassonate person, i am afraid if i stop it, she will do harm to her self, on ther other hand, my wife has already gone through enough, I don't know what to do, i read on the issue, i pray, i have asked god for help, but this just continues, i know any answers won't solve my problem, just need to communicate to someone else, I wish god would tell me what to do. Any one out there with or has had same situation, would appreciate your input.

 

[tarnaak]

You already know what is to be done, you just don't want to do it

I'm not kidding about this....

 

[Jack Lewis]

There are several points in your post that need to be focused on.

First,

wife put me through a lot, mostly financial, now bankrupt

I take it that your wife has been the cause of financial instability, or are you saying that she financially supported you? Either way it sounds like you were unsatisfied with the relationship you had, or have with your wife. That's at the core of your problem. That's the primary need to be addressed. There are two approaches that you need to initiate. First, make sure that your behavior toward her is unselfish and giving. Don't begrudge her affection or devotion simply because she is being a pain. You are the leader, take the lead and do what is right in each situation, not what feels good. Second, pray for her as well as yourself. Women want their husbands to be romantic. Men want their wives to be sexy. Pray for both of those. If you know of another area you think she'd be please with a change in you, pray for yourself in that area, too. If you know of a problem she has that would also be at the root of her behavior,(depression, grumbling, nagging, selfishness, covetousness, etc.) pray for that.

The point is, don't wait for her to change, do these two things and it will set the change in motion.

The reason you reached out for someone else is because your wife wasn't providing you with what you felt you needed. But the reason she wasn't providing you with what you felt you needed was because you were not initiating that response in her. Be the husband she really wants, and she will become the wife you want and need.

As for the woman you are having an affair with, you'll have to trust God that He can povide for her as you remove yourself from her life. But as she has become a focal point for temptation, she can't remain a part of your life if you truly want to remedy this situation.

 

[Juniperlee]

Hello,

This is just my point of view from someone who has lived it all on both sides. I am now going through a divorce.
A pastor once said to me that when a husband opens the door for sexual sin, pornography, etc... He opens the door for lust to come into the life of his wife. You can take that with a grain of salt if you'd like. That was his opinion not mine but I then lived it out. I have this gift (eerie) at times of silently knowing thing's and I knew in my heart what my husband had done and maybe your wife does too. It's a freaky thing, but if her heart is lonely and aching in anyway then she will hunger as well. I did! Just food for thought!
Also, when I finally decided to end my marriage I made the choice because what is a true friend? It is someone who loves you no matter what, through all your stuff and this is not about us. It's selfless and respectful and I knew that I did not have this in my marriage. You do have to make the choice, maybe you have already as your posting is a couple months old but just really try and come before God and hear only His voice. Pursue His heart and He will give you the answers. Then go with it!

 

[Bryan]

My parents divorced when I was quite young, and both remarried. My wife's parents divorced, her mother going through it 3 times.

We both, having gone through it, have very firm beliefs that divorce is wrong, no matter what. Once you've made the commitment to marriage, you have a responsibility to make it work no matter what. Coming to any other conclusion is just making excuses, IMO.

If there are kids involved, your responsibility is even greater. It is completely selfish to put kids throught that. Give your head a shake, grow up, and MAKE IT work.

Of course, there's not much you can do if the other person leaves you.

( I apologize in advance if anyone thinks I am judging them. I'm not. You can't do much about what's done, you can only endeavor not to repeat your mistakes or the mistakes of others. )

 

[Juniperlee]

First of all sorry Bryan, I know the pain of divorced parents very well too and obviously the pain you and your wife experienced are reasons that drive you to make your marriage work and protect your own children from knowing such pain ( if you have any) , which is an awesome thing!
I know that you apologized for not coming across judgmental Bryan but I do have only one thing to comment on. I too had huge and firm beliefs that it was wrong and not an option when I got married, however do you know what it feels like to have the person you vowed to love no matter what break your heart in two more then once? Having a responsibilty to make it work no matter what is easy to say otherwise. My point is that we cannot judge any situation, only God sees the full picture and He has vowed to love us no matter what. Granted, divorce is very very sad and grieves the heart of God but I just don't think it's as black and white as you come across in your message........not when there are hearts involved.

 

[hurting]

seperated and hurting

hi,
i am seperated and have been for 10 months,my husband and i have spent the first 5 month together we were having fun and enjoying time together now i am living with my parents and am in alot of pain. we seperated because he felt we could not get along and i did not respect him i do love my husband with all of me. we have been together for 10 years but married 3 years i tried to make us like other christian couples that we knew because they seemed happy and i thought that was the way to be i did not see that i was hurting my husband or my marriage i though t we were just going through stuff like any newlyweds do. i also thought what i was doing was a positive thing not realizing i was trying to change who we are and the qualities we possess are the reasons we fell in love in the first place. my husband told me he is not letting me burn him anymore he says it is over and i just can not except that especially when we have so much to rebuild on he told me the issues were never and still are not wether we love each other or care for each other or are attracted to each other and we do trust each other that was never an issue either he is so hurt with me and resentful because i think i made him feel less than like he tried so hard to make me happy or us and he felt like he was coming up short which is what was supose to happen because who i tried to make us was not who we really are i just keep praying and remain hopeful that he will want to reconcile this he tells me it is over we talk everyday and he knows that i want to go back home and be with him but i think he is afraid of spending the rest of his life unhappy i don't know how to show him that i am done with trying to be who we are not and that he is what matters to me the qualities he posseses are numerous and great . people tell me to move on to take care of me but it is hard when my whole life has changed and it is very painful for me.i will never give up will someone tell me if they think iam crazy or just maybe give me some insight on what they think

 

[Jack Lewis]

hurting,
I think I can relate to some of what you are saying. My wife has a tendency to push toward things that are superficially Christian, without really bothering to make sure the motive for doing it comes from the right place. The key is to begin with yourself, make sure you are doiung what you are doing out of direct obedience to God, (not inventing rules to follow), and let Him take it from there. Husbands hate it when their wives try to change them. They grow to see the relationship as nothing but criticism and condemnation. Silence can carry more wight than a million word of nagging.

When God was pronouncing the curse on Satan, Eve, and Adam He said to Eve "I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.". [emphasis added] Most people assume that that phrase means women will be submissive. It means the opposite. When Cain was pouting about not having his offering accepted, God said to him, "Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him." (Genesis 4:6b,7) [emphasis added] From the second it's more clear what the first is saying. We know that sin wants to control us, but we should "rule over it". To Eve, God was saying that she will want to control Adam, but he will rule over her. It's an endless struggle. Just as inevitably birth will be painful, women will want to control their husbands, but men, by virtue of the more aggressive nature God gave them, will more easily rule.

Every wife (whether she will admit it or not) has a desire to control her husband. This is the seed of most marital difficulties. Whether it's overt in the case of loud overbearing women, or covert, in the case of quiet, yet manipulative women, it is still there. When you sit in the passenger seat with your hand firmly gripping the steering wheel, you're bound to crash the car. You can't drive from the passenger seat, either get in the driver seat, or let your husband drive.

True Christian faith is very contagious. Work hard at the inner part of your faith in Christ, which automatically changes the outer part, which will ultimately spread to those around you. Picture an unlit camp fire with light dry grass at the center surrounded by small dry wood, surrounded by larger logs. If you spend your time trying to put fire to the logs on the outside, it'll never start. You have to light it from the tender, the light dry stuff in the middle, then it'll spread out.

You can't make your family a Christian family by going through the motions. You can't make your husband a Christian by nagging at him to go to church. You can't even make yourself a better Christian by outwardly going through the motions. You've got to start with your heart. Light the fire there. Make sure you are completely surrendered to Jesus' control of your life, your emotions, your goals, your thought and your actions, and it'll naturally proceed outward from there.

 

[saved]

Very first post, I am married, 2 grown kids,5 grandchildren, wife put me through a lot, mostly financial, now bankrupt, during that time i met someone else, have been seeing her for 4 years, wife found out after the first year, told her it was over, but it isn't,. I have turned to god, praying and praying, reading, i have no one family or otherwise to turn to i pray for gods help , i have put it into his hands, i do love this other person, and can't stop seeing her, i know this is sin, i have asked god to forgive me, but i continue, i am a compassonate person, i am afraid if i stop it, she will do harm to her self, on ther other hand, my wife has already gone through enough, I don't know what to do, i read on the issue, i pray, i have asked god for help, but this just continues, i know any answers won't solve my problem, just need to communicate to someone else, I wish god would tell me what to do. Any one out there with or has had same situation, would appreciate your input.

Hello bowhunter,
in reading your post I assume that you are not a Christian. The first thing you need to is get right with God (get saved). The rest will follow as what to do.

 

[spclone36]

Very first post, I am married, 2 grown kids,5 grandchildren, wife put me through a lot, mostly financial, now bankrupt, during that time i met someone else, have been seeing her for 4 years, wife found out after the first year, told her it was over, but it isn't,. I have turned to god, praying and praying, reading, i have no one family or otherwise to turn to i pray for gods help , i have put it into his hands, i do love this other person, and can't stop seeing her, i know this is sin, i have asked god to forgive me, but i continue, i am a compassonate person, i am afraid if i stop it, she will do harm to her self, on ther other hand, my wife has already gone through enough, I don't know what to do, i read on the issue, i pray, i have asked god for help, but this just continues, i know any answers won't solve my problem, just need to communicate to someone else, I wish god would tell me what to do. Any one out there with or has had same situation, would appreciate your input.

Bowhunter,
If you were truly SINCERE in your prayers to God>You would quit cheating on your wife.
But you aren't sincere for you are still in this Adultrious relationship and MOCKING God!
God can take you from this Sin BUT YOU have to let him help you! Put your Will down and Obey God's will!
The way you write this letter you seem to want to be felt sorry for...By putting the blame on your wife. But it is you who needs to take responsibility of your own actions.
And as for loving your mistress is bull for if you loved her. You would not be degrading her in your game to get even with your wife.
You seem to be all about self and these 2 woman are going to get hurt in the end. Because you only care about yourself.


Why I am talking to you like this is because I am divorced from someone just like you. Thank God I am free from his lies.

 

[winterhawk]

Re: seperated and hurting

hi,
i i also thought what i was doing was a positive thing not realizing i was trying to change who we are and the qualities we possess are the reasons we fell in love in the first place. ....either he is so hurt with me and resentful because i think i made him feel less than like he tried so hard to make me happy or us and he felt like he was coming up short which is what was supose to happen because who i tried to make us was not who we really are

Hi, I just had to respond. I am on the other end. I have fibromyalgia and cluster headaches- some days it is monumental just to do the simplest chores. My husband knew of my condition prior to marriage, but did not investigate. He simply said- what kind of man would I be if I rejected you for that. Once married, he lost all sympathy and compassion. He said I was making it up. He insisted we be at church at all times. I did not realize that it was not me he was in love with, but what I could add to his self-esteem. He wanted the perfect Christian family. (There is no such animal) When the specialist began to try various meds and put me on different supplements- I admit, I am a walking pharmacy- but I am walking. He said I am a drug addict. You see, it ruins the picture perfect image he has in his mind. At least you see where you were wrong, he just thinks he picked the wrong woman (again!) And someday when everything is in order and working as it should and he has the perfect wife- he will be happy. He has not yet realized that your identity and self-esteem must come from the Lord and his righteousness (not yours). Until he gets that wisdom he will search in vain for something outside himself to make him okay. (As I once did ;-) )

 

[xsearnold]

First, if you do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, you need to address this immediately.

Second, you and your wife need to be joined to a Bible-believing local church body, if you are not already.

Third, seek out pastoral counseling, jointly would be best, but alone if you have to. Submit to counsel and do as instructed (the assumption is that the pastoral counsel will be both Godly and Biblical).

If you are seeking help on an internet forum, that's a real big red flag for me. You are likely to receive wildly divergent and potentially harmful advice, which is why my advice (ironically) is to drive you to seek personal, interactive and non-electronic advice.

 

[von]

Sometimes we make excuses for ourself, such as, "I ask God to help me , but I just keep doing the same thing." You need to get real with yourself. God doesn't need to help you stop having an affair. You need to make a choice and help yourself. You are passing the buck and not to another person but to God. Be honest with yourself and stand up and do the right thing. God will step in then and help you. You also need to not let the Devil make you think that this other woman won't survive without you. Believe me there is no man that good that the woman can't survive without him. (and vice versa) Resist the Devel Submit to God and the Devil will flee from you.

 

[Klee shay]

My guess is that you don't tell people what you really expect from them. You wait for them to tell you what to do, and then you reluctantly comply.

I've come across many men in my life (not all romantically) that live this way. They are too afraid to speak up for what they really want because that makes them a target...and they don't like being one...so they attract controlling type people into their lives, that will speak on their behalf for them.

Before they know it however, they're in bondage to someone who is relentless in telling them what to do. They have no way of speaking up for themselves or making it stop, so they end up looking for an escape elsewhere. They lead a double life after that. Having two relationships gives them the freedom to pretend for a time in one household, and then when the pressure builds up too much there, they can escape to the other relationship for some time out.

The irony being however, that what was initiated to create an unbearable situation easier, becomes another problem worse than the first. How do you separate what is real and what is an act? Who were you really telling the truth to? Who would you trust the most? Who understands you better?

The truth is however, that neither woman stood a chance of really knowing or understanding you. For you don't tell them who you are. It's easier to navigate through life pretending you can meet both their expectations for a short period of time - but not indefinitely.

The guys I have known who lived this way had poor self-esteem. They learned very early in their lives that silence meant survival. So they came to depend on their silence with people - what they didn't know won't hurt them, right? Life has a way of bearing it's ugly head when we try to escape truth. However long we choose to deny the truth, the uglier it gets when it finally breaks through the barrier of denial.

My advice is to sort yourself out. Stop depending on the cone of silence for a start. Talk to your wife. Don't be afraid of her strength. Talk to the other woman too and don't be afraid of her reaction. For while you focus on keeping everything as sterile and perfect as possible, the problems continue to fester from the light of day.

This isn't right what you're doing to these two women who trust and love you in some way. What's more, this isn't right what you're doing to yourself. You are your own warden in your own dismal prison. Isn't it time you set your secrets free and start to live an honest life, out in the open? Nothing will get solved the more secrets you keep. Nothing will get solved the more you deny yourself the truth either.

You're hiding behind their ignorance and your ficticious double life.

Start thinking about who you are, how you set-up your life for disappointment (beyond their involvement) and start praying to God for a remedy. He can help you sort through this baggage you've carried for a long time. Long before you even met your wife. I know a man who God helped in this way and he's now happily married again, despite the temptation of an affair.

It can be done.

 

[lovely]

bowhunter,

I am assuming you have been married a long time since you have 5 grandchildren. You say your wife has put you though a lot...well, you have put her through a lot as well. If you are a believer, love God by keeping His commandments. "Thou shalt not commit adultery" I think you need to repent, not continue in sin, and let God take care of the rest. The issue here is not your wife, not your mistress, but you and your relationship with God. You are not honoring your wife, and you are leading this other woman into adultery...stop! Do not be overcome by evil...that is what you are doing. Trust God, and repent of your sin.

 

[von]

Merry- I like your post on this. Very well spoken.

 

[lovely]

Bowhunter,

Still praying for you. The Lord bless you.


Lovely

 

[Guest]

Bowhunter,

God can heal any hurts if you just let Him do his work and do what He is asking of you.
God bless you and I pray that God will give you ears to hear what he is trying to say to you.
Its easy for us to tell you what you should do, but only you have the ability to do it.

God bless.