Trust issues in new relationship

[lmw]

I don't know where to put this, but it's dealing with my boyfriend's daughter.

I haven't been here awhile, but I'm having trouble so here I am.

I was in an abusive marriage for 3 years, then during separation my husband died. A year to the day after he died I met someone new. He is a wonderful man and I love him dearly. He has a 14 year daughter that I adore, I have a 4 year old son. Upon shutting down her computer that was getting hot under a pillow, a chat was running between her and her friend, they were away, instantly my eyes went there, because hey it was right there in my face, and I saw my name. I was horrified what she was saying about me and it almost broke me and her dad up. She was telling her friend that her dad never truly loved me and he didn't think they were going to work out so instead of trying to move closer to where I am, they were going to move closer to her "unofficial" boyfriend. She also told him that I was mad that she hung up pictures of her deceased mother on her mirror and I threw them on the floor. She also said that I demanded that her dad take down pictures of her mom at their apartment. None of this ever happened. I believed it because I trusted her, and I confronted her dad and her and told them nothing was going to work out between us.

She even talked about apartments they were looking at in the town and everything pointing to her dad dumping me. I realize now after we all talk that she is still struggling since losing her mom and she said she sees her dad happier with me than he was with her mom, but it really hurt. It was pretty shocking some of the stuff she said, calling me swearwords and a ton of other bad things, and this was weeks and weeks of it. What hurt the most was her saying that her dad wanted nothing to do with me.

I already had trust issues, and to top it off, her dad lied to me. He still won't tell me why and still says he wasn't lying and that it was all teenage babble. Yes I shouldn't have looked but I am glad I did, the animosity would have kept growing. Her mom was sick for half her life before she died and it was always just her and her dad, and she was feeling like I was taking him away from her, I get that, but the fact that he lied about his whereabouts just isn't sitting well with me. It's a long drawn out story... he doesn't want to discuss the matter anymore because he thinks I'm making way too much of it. And he says we need to move forward.

I am trying desperately to do that, but my mind keeps going to that bit of dishonesty.... which he says he wasn't being dishonest at all. But I figured out where he was and called, and yep he was there. Now he claims he was there but not when I first suspected it, but the plans changed and they ended up, him and his daughter, in a hotel room when he claimed he was at a friend's house... he wasn't

Is he dishonest about the other things she said that they claim she made up? It is a ton of lies if that's the case.

I am just really hurt. I am having a hard time to trust. I need help. Yes I was looking for something wrong and I should have just shut down the computer without reading it when I saw my name. I'm trying just to trust them but it's really hard.

I really want this relationship to work. I feel like a horrible person for what I did and what I am doing, keep going back to what happened and not letting myself move on.

 

[reba]

You caught him in a lie and feel like a horrible person?

 

[lmw]

Yeah because I invaded on their privacy. It wasn't the first time. I keep looking for something wrong and if I wasn't like that and would just trust, he wouldn't have been dishonest with me. He still claims that it was a last minute decision but he didn't say that until I figured out where he was. Soooo.... I just don't know what to think.

 

[iLOVE]

Commitment to God must be first which includes obedience. If you are in a sexual relationship with your boyfriend God will ignore you because of your unrighteousness and iniquities you continue to do over and over again. Jesus said, " I am the vein and you are the branches, you can't do anything without me. God must be first in all areas of the believers life. Focus on the promise from God and not the problem...make everything you do be a Godly idea that will be blessed.

 

[lmw]

Thank you iLove for the great advice, that is what I am planning on doing. I need to put God first, and if it's up to him to make this work out, it will. If not, then at least I have the comfort of the Lord.

 

[reba]

Yeah because I invaded on their privacy. It wasn't the first time. I keep looking for something wrong and if I wasn't like that and would just trust, he wouldn't have been dishonest with me. He still claims that it was a last minute decision but he didn't say that until I figured out where he was. Soooo.... I just don't know what to think.

Only because you have stated publicly you were in an abusive relationship will I post this ...
Your reply reads like you are still in the victim mind set, taking the blame for someone else's actions.

IF I had just fixed dinner the way he like it he would not hit me
IF I had only told her a thousand times she was the only one she would not have shot me
S/he would not have lied to me if I hadn't asked.

Check your self, you are a valuable human being. Trust your self along with trusting others...

 

[Deborah13]

Please take what Reba said very seriously.

You are not married to this man. Maybe you should step back from the situation and take a time out. Better to do that than to jump from the fire into another fire. The Lord loves you and your son so much. He will help you with this but you have to be willing to listen to Him and if He says No don't give Him any ands, ifs, or buts.

 

[lmw]

It took a lot for me to get into this relationship because of what I have been through. I did a lot of praying before it actually went from 2 people who knew each other to 2 people in a relationship. I thought she and I were closer than that. She goes to church with me and my son because her dad works every sunday and before he got his job, he was there every Sunday with us. Its just really hard to be accepting of someone who is incredibly nice to your face but creating lies and chaos when youre not looking. I know she is struggling still with everything that happened the past couple years. She also found out on Friday there is a cyst on her brain after she had an MRI. I know she is dealing with so much and she is stressed out. Im trying to move on from what I read, but having a hard time.

 

[Carolyn]

If you are in a sexual relationship you should definitely move out or not meet in private. You should also ask him for a committment if he is serious about you--an engagement ring Then you should seek pastoral premarital counseling that should cover all of the concerns you voiced. It wouldn't hurt to include his daughter occasionally.
If he is God's choice for you, it won't be easy. Often teen aged girls who have been largely raised by their dads have not received the discipline and had proper limits set and enforced. I know one dad who did this and did not defend his wife but allowed his daughters to verbally abuse her till it drove her out of the house. He seemed like the nicest guy but he made his wife more of a concubine and allowed his daughters to pick out the new furniature and run the house. They also ran wild.
Please do seek pastoral counseling.

 

[AirDancer]

Hi, lmw ... your absence from here has been noticed .... glad to see you've returned

Re-developing trust, after a terrible relationship/marriage, is going to take some time. From what you've posted, my initial thought was that your inner voice was cautioning you to take things slow because all what not as it appeared. Was this inner voice warning you because you were rushing into things too fast .... or possibly because the trust issues were prompting you to seek a reason to end the relationship? Only you can answer. You stated that you're in love with him, but do you 100% trust him?

Honesty is too important in a relationship, and if you feel/know he's been dishonest, then by all means step back & slow down. I certainly would step back & re-think the relationship. Go back to the once-a-week date to see if the relationship can be repaired. Re-focus on your son, and on your relationship with our Lord. Pray for this man you love & for his daughter. And above all, place the relationship in our Lord's possession; if it is His will, the relationship will heal & become more special.

My prayers are with you, my friend.

 

[lmw]

Well the new relationship ended a few days after the 6 month point. I started seeing some things in the daughter that made me question whether or not she was being sexually abused by her father. The last 2 months of the relationship I believe his true colors showed and she was showing signs of abuse. I reported him to CPS and there were almost 10 signs of sexual abuse. And I'm not the only one who suspected that.

He doesn't know it was me that called. He told me they were investigating the fact he didn't provide a stable environment. He stayed at my house for 3 weeks then started taking his daughter to expensive hotels 3 or 4 nights out of the week and I never saw them hardly. He became rather emotionally abusive but from what I learned I was going to put up with that and broke up with him. my big strong Christian cousins kicked him out and he wasted no opportunity to trash talk me with lies to my cousins.

It's over for me but I'm worried about his daughter and I miss her terribly.