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20 Jokes for Intellectuals

Jim Parker

Apr 17, 2015
1.) It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2.) What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3.) 3 logicians walk into a bar. The Bartender ask “Do all of you want a drink?”
The first logician says “I don’t know.”
The second logician says “I don’t know.”
The third logician says “Yes!”

4.) Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!!!”

5.) A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?” To which the engineer replied, “so what? pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”

6.) A Roman walks into a bar and ask for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” The bartender ask.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

7.) Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

8.) A Logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife ask impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies: “Yes.”

9.) Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

10.) Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

11.) How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12.) Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13.) Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

14.) Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shooting “oh no! I forgot to feed the dog!”

15.) Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

16.) Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

17.) A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything.”

18.) A Higgs Boson walks into a church and priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson then replies “but without me, how could you have mass?”

19.) The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20.) There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.


Sep 1, 2017
Light Bulb Joke:

  • How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb. 10. 1 to screw in the light Bulb and 9 to pray against the spirit of darkness.
  • How many Calvinists does it take to screw in a light bulb. None. God has predestined when the light will go on.
  • How many TV evangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but your light might go out if you don't mail your donation today.
  • How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? At least ten- They need to debate if the light ever existed. If they agree to it's existence they may not change it as to refrain from alienating those who use other forms of light.
  • How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Only 1, anymore might result in too much cooperation.
  • How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None, they always use candles.
  • How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? What's a light bulb?

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