Am I Wrong Here?

[Luminous_Rose]

There is something I think about from time to time. Maybe I am terribly insensitive in this matter, but there is a guy that my husband and I used to work with, Jimmy. Well, Jimmy was always a heavyset guy with many health problems and a health scare that required transport to another hospital. Currently he is on a lot of medications, has a lot of depression, and is a few hundred pounds heavier. He has lost some weight since moving away from his roommates, but is still heavy. He has a hard time getting around and has bad depression and doesn't like to get out of he house or get to the bathroom when he has to go even.

He has asked my husband to come over and give him a hair cut, clean his room, get his breadmaker down from the top cabinet, go grab him junk fast food from our town or even 2 minutes away from his apartment (he lives 20-30 minutes away from us in another town), go drop off/pick up his laundry at the laundromat, pick up his groceries for pickup, and such.

I am not against helping people. My husband has 2 days off a week and Jimmy knows this so he will ask my husband to run some errands or clean his apartment. My husband has tried finding a few people Jimmy knows to help out and I don't know if they do or not, but some of this sounds like enabling his lifestyle to sit down watching tv all day, which isn't helping his depression. It is a bit of a dent in our plans when Jimmy is suddenly needing something and is a bit of a drive away. He usually pays us with money or some stuff he orders from Trader Joe's.

He got fired from his old job after not being there so much for his health supposedly and he only worked part time after a while. He got a job somewhere else for a few days, but it was too hard and he wanted part time and wasn't getting it so he quit and lives on disability.

I guess I am thinking he is in his 40s, has his own car, and doesn't have a job so he should be able to get all these things done and if he needs the assistance then maybe he should consider living in an assisted living facility or hiring a maid. A fitness coach and a therapist wouldn't hurt either. I don't feel he is trying that hard to help his well being.

We used to do meal prep for Jimmy for a week so he had healthy foods for work. His roommate ended up eating them and tols us they were really good because Jimmy wasn't eating them and we followed his diet, but he kept complaining about the food so we stopped doing that and he would just order out. He doesn't want help that will help him get healthy.

Not sure how to handle it. Kind of stumped if we should help or I am being insensitive about his condition. Sorry for the long post and crazy rant.

 

[for_his_glory]

Ya, I would say he is using your husband like a door mat with all his demands as your husband is enabling him. I feel he needs and intervention to get him up and moving about out of the house that could even help him lose weight if he would get some exercise. Taking walks is always a good exercise to start out with and maybe you and your husband could go walking with him as he feels to insecure about being in public by himself. He has created his own problems and health issues and he needs to start dealing with them. Even getting up and cleaning his own place will give him some exercise.

You and your husband have been very good to him, but it needs to change for all your benefits, especially his own.

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

There is something I think about from time to time. Maybe I am terribly insensitive in this matter, but there is a guy that my husband and I used to work with, Jimmy. Well, Jimmy was always a heavyset guy with many health problems and a health scare that required transport to another hospital. Currently he is on a lot of medications, has a lot of depression, and is a few hundred pounds heavier. He has lost some weight since moving away from his roommates, but is still heavy. He has a hard time getting around and has bad depression and doesn't like to get out of he house or get to the bathroom when he has to go even.

He has asked my husband to come over and give him a hair cut, clean his room, get his breadmaker down from the top cabinet, go grab him junk fast food from our town or even 2 minutes away from his apartment (he lives 20-30 minutes away from us in another town), go drop off/pick up his laundry at the laundromat, pick up his groceries for pickup, and such.

I am not against helping people. My husband has 2 days off a week and Jimmy knows this so he will ask my husband to run some errands or clean his apartment. My husband has tried finding a few people Jimmy knows to help out and I don't know if they do or not, but some of this sounds like enabling his lifestyle to sit down watching tv all day, which isn't helping his depression. It is a bit of a dent in our plans when Jimmy is suddenly needing something and is a bit of a drive away. He usually pays us with money or some stuff he orders from Trader Joe's.

He got fired from his old job after not being there so much for his health supposedly and he only worked part time after a while. He got a job somewhere else for a few days, but it was too hard and he wanted part time and wasn't getting it so he quit and lives on disability.

I guess I am thinking he is in his 40s, has his own car, and doesn't have a job so he should be able to get all these things done and if he needs the assistance then maybe he should consider living in an assisted living facility or hiring a maid. A fitness coach and a therapist wouldn't hurt either. I don't feel he is trying that hard to help his well being.

We used to do meal prep for Jimmy for a week so he had healthy foods for work. His roommate ended up eating them and tols us they were really good because Jimmy wasn't eating them and we followed his diet, but he kept complaining about the food so we stopped doing that and he would just order out. He doesn't want help that will help him get healthy.

Not sure how to handle it. Kind of stumped if we should help or I am being insensitive about his condition. Sorry for the long post and crazy rant.

No,.. actually I agree with you. Although I do feel bad for him, he's definitely taking advantage of you and your husband's kindness and I feel more bad for you guys than I do for a lazy old slug like him.

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

However, whether or not you want to help him is completely up to you and between you and the Lord.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

Glad to know I am not crazy here. Thanks for the input. We have tried inviting him out for a walk or coming to the park with us. We have invited him to our church potluck. He says he is not up to it.

We have tried to encourage him to get out more, get a gym membership, eat healthier, etc. but he doesn't go for it. It is sad to see someone make a choice to sit and waste away like that. If he doesn't even try it is just more frustrating.

My husband has a tendency to over help at times. I think maybe he feels for him at times because he doesn't really have many friends.

 

[daninthelionsden]

Glad to know I am not crazy here. Thanks for the input. We have tried inviting him out for a walk or coming to the park with us. We have invited him to our church potluck. He says he is not up to it.

We have tried to encourage him to get out more, get a gym membership, eat healthier, etc. but he doesn't go for it. It is sad to see someone make a choice to sit and waste away like that. If he doesn't even try it is just more frustrating.

My husband has a tendency to over help at times. I think maybe he feels for him at times because he doesn't really have many friends.

Your friend needs fixing from the inside. The rest is just symptoms of a personal hell he is experiencing. If you can get him to open up about his hidden problem, then the rest can be addressed. There is something eating him up and he needs to be released from it.

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

Glad to know I am not crazy here. Thanks for the input. We have tried inviting him out for a walk or coming to the park with us. We have invited him to our church potluck. He says he is not up to it.

We have tried to encourage him to get out more, get a gym membership, eat healthier, etc. but he doesn't go for it. It is sad to see someone make a choice to sit and waste away like that. If he doesn't even try it is just more frustrating.

My husband has a tendency to over help at times. I think maybe he feels for him at times because he doesn't really have many friends.

I really hope that this doesn't sound mean but it really isn't any wonder. Even though out or compassion I would try to be his friend I really wouldn't want to be if he took advantage of me like that.

 

[JohnDB]

Jesus once asked a man if he wanted to be healthy/well.

Kinda sounds like a strange question. You would normally think that the answer would be "Yes".

Jimmy is saying "no" by his every action.

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

Jesus once asked a man if he wanted to be healthy/well.

Kinda sounds like a strange question. You would normally think that the answer would be "Yes".

Jimmy is saying "no" by his every action.

Trust me. I am currently fighting a bit of a cold with a nasty cough and I recently had a very upset stomach earlier this morning. If I had the option to be healthy right now,.. there would be no contest. I would take it without a second thought or hesitation.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

Your friend needs fixing from the inside. The rest is just symptoms of a personal hell he is experiencing. If you can get him to open up about his hidden problem, then the rest can be addressed. There is something eating him up and he needs to be released from it.

He is a child abuse victim, some of his family has cut him off, and he found his biological father died years ago and he was never told. He talks about it a little and it affects him a lot. It isn't anything I can fix for him. I wish we could just shake him awake to make a change before it kills him. He doesn't seem to care.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

Jesus once asked a man if he wanted to be healthy/well.

Kinda sounds like a strange question. You would normally think that the answer would be "Yes".

Jimmy is saying "no" by his every action.

That's true. It feels like enabling at this point. Jimmy was angry at his cardiologist for a long time because he didn't want to sign his disability paperwork because he wasn't trying to make a change. Seems that his doctor was right.

 

[Truthfrees]

Luminous_Rose i agree with everything you said - i see the same things you do

 

[Christ_empowered]

He needs an encounter with Jesus and then disciple-ing along the way. I was there, too, before Jesus showed me some extreme mercy and love and dealt with my heart. and...

i don't have any solid advice on how to deal with this situation, because honestly...it is so sad, and i could sense your frustration early on, so its kinda like....

I think you and your husband have "...gone the extra mile," and I don't think there's anything wrong with minimizing contact, etc.

 

[for_his_glory]

Glad to know I am not crazy here. Thanks for the input. We have tried inviting him out for a walk or coming to the park with us. We have invited him to our church potluck. He says he is not up to it.

We have tried to encourage him to get out more, get a gym membership, eat healthier, etc. but he doesn't go for it. It is sad to see someone make a choice to sit and waste away like that. If he doesn't even try it is just more frustrating.

My husband has a tendency to over help at times. I think maybe he feels for him at times because he doesn't really have many friends.

It's no wonder he has not many friends since he insist on staying home and not even caring for himself. This is just a thought. Since you and your husband seem to be in a sense his primary care giver, just stop for a week or two as this might make him start doing for himself.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

He needs an encounter with Jesus and then disciple-ing along the way. I was there, too, before Jesus showed me some extreme mercy and love and dealt with my heart. and...

i don't have any solid advice on how to deal with this situation, because honestly...it is so sad, and i could sense your frustration early on, so its kinda like....

I think you and your husband have "...gone the extra mile," and I don't think there's anything wrong with minimizing contact, etc.

Exactly. That's why I'm thinking we should back off so he has to do stuff himself. We have tried to witness to him, invite him to church, meet him for a bible study. He has gone to church in the past, but now doesn't want anything to do with it. I'm not exactly sure why.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

It's no wonder he has not many friends since he insist on staying home and not even caring for himself. This is just a thought. Since you and your husband seem to be in a sense his primary care giver, just stop for a week or two as this might make him start doing for himself.

Yes, it is hard to make friends if you don't get out or care about yourself. I sure do hope backing off will help him make some better decisions.

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

Exactly. That's why I'm thinking we should back off so he has to do stuff himself. We have tried to witness to him, invite him to church, meet him for a bible study. He has gone to church in the past, but now doesn't want anything to do with it. I'm not exactly sure why.

Who knows. You know that old saying. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

Who knows. You know that old saying. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it.

That definitely applies here. It is sad to see people allow themselves to live this way.

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

That definitely applies here. It is sad to see people allow themselves to live this way.

Agreed,.. but we can only sow the seeds. The rest is entirely up to him. God gave him free will just like He gave it to the rest of us. All we can do now is pray for him.

 

[for_his_glory]

Exactly. That's why I'm thinking we should back off so he has to do stuff himself. We have tried to witness to him, invite him to church, meet him for a bible study. He has gone to church in the past, but now doesn't want anything to do with it. I'm not exactly sure why.

I believe a couple of his major problems is that he is embarrassed by his weight, which has caused his insecurities and low self esteem. It could be the effects of what has happened to him in his past. Seems like he needs professional counseling and am praying for God's intervention in his life as you and your husband continue to witness the love of Christ to him. Right now he doesn't even love himself and in that area he needs a support system.