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CF Ambassador
Jan 11, 2020
"Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24​

This is mainly for those people in recovery who have turned their lives around and need advice . . .

I grew up reading novels about arranged marriages without love and was very grateful that in these days we can marry whoever we are attracted to. Unfortunately, as it turned out I was attracted to men who were narcissistic, sometimes abusive, and always unavailable, like my father. Still I continued to believe that a relationship had to begin with instantaneous attraction no matter how much trouble this got me in.

After numerous failed relationships, I came upon a book entitled, Challenge of the Heart, which explained that we had gone from the arranged marriages of long ago to marriage based on attraction and romantic love rather than compatibility.

This gave me some perspective and changed me. Today, I believe that if you too are one of those people who are dependent on attraction for choosing a partner you should know the following.

Attraction is mysterious. Just why do we become attracted to “certain” people? Part of the answer lies in our history. We are attracted to our first love which is usually the parent of the opposite sex. We are also attracted to people who remind us of others (real people, movie stars, magazine models, etc.) who stimulated us while we were growing up. But this is all we know about attraction, so we call it “chemistry” because the attraction stimulates certain chemicals that make us “high.” But let’s not allow the mystery of all this to worry us.

The most important thing we need to know about attraction is that it can be both a wonderful thing and a trap. If you are attracted to people capable of a healthy, fulfilling relationship then attraction is a good thing which leads to better things. If you are attracted people who are dysfunctional or unavailable, then attraction is not a good thing. I know I was always attracted to “wounded” men because my father was an alcoholic. This was not good. It got me into a lot of trouble.

If, for whatever reason, you are attracted to the wrong personality type what do you do about it? First of all, understand what is happening to you and then you avoid the people that get you into trouble. Begin to look for mature, available, kind, people in places like church or Christian gatherings.

Does this mean you have to give up attraction? No! You just need to train yourself to be attracted to the right type, like training yourself to eat right. You buy the right food and you eat it. You find a wonderful, healthy person and you let him or her grow on you.

It is a little known fact that chemistry is not always instantaneous. It can happen at any time. This does not mean you must hang in there with someone who bores you to death, it just means you might give the right people a little more time. Then is there is no chemistry you move on. But you never go backwards. Once you identify the “wrong type” you never try to make it happen with that type of person.

Put physical and sexual attraction into perspective. No too much and not too little.

Article: Attraction & the Bible

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