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Jan 11, 2020
"Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24​

This is mainly for those people in recovery who have turned their lives around and need advice . . .

I grew up reading novels about arranged marriages without love and was very grateful that in these days we can marry whoever we are attracted to. Unfortunately, as it turned out I was attracted to men who were narcissistic, sometimes abusive, and always unavailable, like my father. Still I continued to believe that a relationship had to begin with instantaneous attraction no matter how much trouble this got me in.

After numerous failed relationships, I came upon a book entitled, Challenge of the Heart, which explained that we had gone from the arranged marriages of long ago to marriage based on attraction and romantic love rather than compatibility.

This gave me some perspective and changed me. Today, I believe that if you too are one of those people who are dependent on attraction for choosing a partner you should know the following.

Attraction is mysterious. Just why do we become attracted to “certain” people? Part of the answer lies in our history. We are attracted to our first love which is usually the parent of the opposite sex. We are also attracted to people who remind us of others (real people, movie stars, magazine models, etc.) who stimulated us while we were growing up. But this is all we know about attraction, so we call it “chemistry” because the attraction stimulates certain chemicals that make us “high.” But let’s not allow the mystery of all this to worry us.

The most important thing we need to know about attraction is that it can be both a wonderful thing and a trap. If you are attracted to people capable of a healthy, fulfilling relationship then attraction is a good thing which leads to better things. If you are attracted people who are dysfunctional or unavailable, then attraction is not a good thing. I know I was always attracted to “wounded” men because my father was an alcoholic. This was not good. It got me into a lot of trouble.

If, for whatever reason, you are attracted to the wrong personality type what do you do about it? First of all, understand what is happening to you and then you avoid the people that get you into trouble. Begin to look for mature, available, kind, people in places like church or Christian gatherings.

Does this mean you have to give up attraction? No! You just need to train yourself to be attracted to the right type, like training yourself to eat right. You buy the right food and you eat it. You find a wonderful, healthy person and you let him or her grow on you.

It is a little known fact that chemistry is not always instantaneous. It can happen at any time. This does not mean you must hang in there with someone who bores you to death, it just means you might give the right people a little more time. Then is there is no chemistry you move on. But you never go backwards. Once you identify the “wrong type” you never try to make it happen with that type of person.

Put physical and sexual attraction into perspective. No too much and not too little.

Article: Attraction & the Bible

Who Me

Dec 19, 2018
Attraction is mysterious. Just why do we become attracted to “certain” people? Part of the answer lies in our history. We are attracted to our first love which is usually the parent of the opposite sex. We are also attracted to people who remind us of others (real people, movie stars, magazine models, etc.) who stimulated us while we were growing up.
What we see as attractive is heavily influenced by our culture.
It is also influenced by how we think.

Marriage, the relationship that enables a man and a women to raise children to adulthood is a mixture of compromise and of accepting responsibilities and the subsequent loss of freedom.

For both men and women contemplating marriage need to prepare for marriage by taking responcibilities and loosing freedoms because of that responcibility.
They should also be looking for these qualities in any prospective partner.

Dating an exciting, yet irresponsible 'hot' boy may be fun, but how is he going to handle being woken at 3 in the morning because a child is sick, or visiting schools to choose the best one for his child.
Ditto a 'hot' chick is fun, will she knuckle down to raising your children, the loss of freedom, limit finance, lack of parties?

Stats give some interesting figures, like in dating there is no difference between who causes the break up but in divorce women initiate far more then men.

Stats also show that the sexualy active find it very hard to form permanent bonds with a partner.

Dating advice, look again at the serious hard working boy/girl who isn't in the 'in' group.


Jan 11, 2020

Dating with a Purpose
What to Look for in a Partner

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:2-3:

Part of being a Christian is to grow in faith. This will not happen if you date just for the sake of having fun. It is ok to hang out with friends to have fun, but dating should lead to courtship and marriage. This is dating with a purpose.

These days single people have dating down to a science. They know where to meet people. They have an excellent online profile that says nothing about what they really want, but is guaranteed to get someone’s attention. They have the clothes they need to impress their date, and they are excellent conversationalists.

What they do not have is an understanding of how to get what they really want. They think impressing someone is enough. They want someone handsome or beautiful in their life to compensate for their own low self-esteem. They glide from one date to another hoping something magical will happen. In other words, they are not dating with the idea to find a partner who can help them grow in their faith.

The most important thing about dating is that one make a concerted effort to find out if there is enough compatibility to sustain a healthy relationship which includes romantic love, excitement, getting along, and a future together. In other words, dating with a purpose is like interviewing someone for the most important role in his or her life as your partner.

This is not always easy. It takes effort, patience, self-discipline and the wisdom of others who have gone through this process themselves and been successful.

Since selecting the right partner is one of the most important things we do in life, I have created a list of things one should look for in a relationship. You can use this as a guide.

1. Honesty that engenders trust;

2. Shared faith;

3. The ability to negotiate or compromise;

4. Self-awareness;

5. Self-esteem;

6. Communication skills;

7. Sexual compatibility;

8. There should be a recognition of the fact that each person had a different childhood experience;

9. Similar (but not necessarily identical) values: This includes such issues as money, monogamy, and parenting;

10. Patience and tolerance;

11. It is important to accept the fact that there will be days when the relationship seems very ordinary or even boring;

12. The willingness to substitute influencing for controlling: Saying something once and then letting it go. Being a role-model instead of nagging someone to change.;

13. Healthy boundaries;

14. Devotion;

15. Quality time together;

16. Knowing when to stay and when to leave;

17. It is also important to have compatibility and “ease” in a relationship: At the same time, it must be understood that no relationship is perfect;

18. The willingness to face your problems (without over-reacting);

19. Reciprocity (give and take);

21. Realistic expectations. After the honeymoon, relationships are not a romantic fantasy;

22. Readiness for a relationship (both partners).

I believe we cannot just start dating and hope that everything will fall in to place. I think we need to be honest from the beginning about what we are looking for and move on if we are not happy.
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