[__ Prayer __] cry baby!

[Christ_empowered]

lol. yes, I've been taunted again, recently.

on the plus side...I'm getting better at handling it. no major anger, mainly...it triggers some fear, because...well...i've been attacked, etc., so im not big on people yelling out insults at me. and...

'its the way the world works.' i am only now regarded as 'severely mentally ill.' this is kinda sad...the label offers/offered a way up and out of the mire. my current counselor says it looks like ive had 'schizoaffective' (not exactly schizophrenia, not exactly bipolar I) since my teenage years, which...

kinda makes sense, i guess. i mean...looking at what God has spared me...it would kinda make sense that if i had a problem understanding -reality- then He might be a bit more merciful? maybe? i dunno. im thankful for His love, no matter.

rambling...

being picked on gets rough, but now The Lord has brought me far enough to see...it really is just the nature of the world I live in, isn't it? and lots of people 'go thru things,' with no escape from the oppression, barring a miracle. it isn't just the south or america or even capitalist societies...

its the whole, wide world. blah. :-(

so, i get all that. i just...still don't like being called a cry baby. lol.

thanks, y'all.

 

[Tessa]

you're no cry baby CE You are on an amazing journey with The Lord'. You are an incredible witness and nobody can take that away from you

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, tessa.

i often forget that its about Him, not me. OK...I'm just now learning that its about Him, not me.

i saw my parents for a most wonderful dinner yesterday. on my way out, mama said 'we've come a long way,' and...

she's correct, of course. my parents love me and are kind to me, by God's grace. not that they were terrible before I became a Christian, just...I'd pushed too far, for too long. better luck next time, basically. and now...

there's genuine love in our relationship, thanks to Christ. and I really have come a long, long way, in Christ.

 

[Tessa]

Amen " lovely post.
God is so good to us all.

 

[Christ_empowered]

so true...

I had no idea how truly GOOD God is until well after I got genuinely saved. I guess that's how it usually works? LOL.

thanks for your support, tessa.

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

I was originally going to come on here and post something but Tessie pretty much already said it all.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, yet again. LOL.

-sigh- OK, so I have a safe, comfortable place to live. I drive. I'm now healthy, intelligent, surprisingly...normal...

and I don't know what I can really do, realistically. no one will hire me around here, I'm fairly certain of that. when I did work around here, back in the day, the "mental health professionals" used my little jobs as a way to control and punish me (long story...I've been regarded as a "trouble maker" and/or "weakling" for a long time...either way, the shrinks go all 1950s...), and so...

volunteering? dad seems to get frustrated with me. he always worked. now, his job is what I'd consider pretty cushy...he's not rich, not middle class, either. mama's retired from her high stress job. thing is...

even with volunteer work, how does a pariah volunteer? i've tried online services to match me to volunteer stuff, and...no. nothing that I could actually do, honestly. and...

I'm not a "weakling," now, only by the grace of God...but I'm regarded as a "trouble maker" and/or "uppity mental patient," basically "he doesn't know his place in society!," etc. blah. oh, btw: avoid psychiatrists if you can.

so, I don't know...what to do, where to go. ideally, id move and that'd be the end of that. I have moved...once to another part of the state, another time out of state. things just got...more intense, in different ways. i know it sounds paranoid to say that people came after me, but...they did, and I know they did. true story.

basically...I'm left looking at life from here on out...a life in which I've been spared, saved, forgiven, washed+made clean...

but it seems that the psychiatrists, counselors, etc. from 'back then' don't want to let me go, they really don't. if it was up to them, id be on the streets or in prison (trust me on that one...its the rough side of the 'helping professions...').

blah. thanks for the prayers and replies.

 

[Tessa]

CE you are not a eesklong far from it. You turned to God and the angels rejoiced. You needed strength, wisdom and faith to get where you are today . God gave you those things and you used them. That takes courage.
The past is gone, we can only learn from it. The future will take care of itself. Today is a gift, enjoy it and live it the best you can.
Ridicule from others is not worth worrying about. Just pray for them because they have a problem.

 

[Christ_empowered]

as always...

you're right, tessa.

i do worry, sometimes, about the future. but then I think...or, remember, rather...that He did not bring me this far to destroy me.

The Lord spared me some horrible things. maybe it was because I was so sick from a young age...or maybe it was also for the benefit of other people involved in the situation, such as my parents. doesn't matter now, I suppose...I mean, I'm thankful, obviously, but...

I do not and cannot know The Mind of God, can I? I just know the results, thus so far, as they have played out in my life, by His grace...

I was a broken, destroyed human being when I got saved. I kept thinking, along the way, "Now, I've been healed and made whole!," when the thing is...

to be made whole in Christ is generally -not- to be made back into who one was before encountering Jesus, especially for me. Over the past 1 year, I seem to have grown up a whole, whole lot...I think living on my own, with the support I need, may be part of God's plan for my life. and...

you're correct, of course; it lines up with Scripture. "have no worry for the morrow, for each new day brings with it evil enough of its own," is I believe how Jesus put it.

the taunting and ridicule may not stop anytime soon. no dog 'stuff' out front, thank goodness....maybe that was just a 1 time thing? LOL.

maybe work just isn't for me. can't say I didn't try...I did, honestly try. and college? I was driven out (true story) and driven mad (short trip...I was on the fringe, already). online classes are fun and all, but...its not the same, plus I'm older now and...and...

? blessed all over. no one's life is perfect, this side of Heaven. I pray God's perfect will for my life.

 

[Christ_empowered]

a wave of gratitude came over me this AM, as I woke up from a heavy sleep. i didn't wake up late, but...later than people who have to work for a living probably do...and i made some coffee, its this brand I don't usually get, but it was on sale and I was intrigued...

checked out the sun over the water out on the patio, loaded up on mah AM dose of vitamin C, and...

God is merciful. God is Love. I cannot claim to 'deserve' any of these blessings...need? probably, I think so...yes, OK, yes....

and He's been good to me and so many other, is good to me and so many others...

because He sees thru our sins and flaws and sees our needs. something like that, anyway.

i may always live as something as an outsider, in society. Schizophrenia often = far worse, so I'm increasingly grateful for that, too...

my parents are kind to me. sad fact: lots of families, even families with resources, put their Schizophrenic offspring into group homes, I think some states still make heavy use of the state hospital...

not my parents! and that's, again, despite me, my flaws, who I was, etc...and all because of Jesus and His work in our lives.

God is Good!

 

[Tessa]

Amen, God is good. Counting blessings with a thankful heart - that's great.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Tessa, you're the best! if I was into deliberate abuse of grammar, I'd go so far as to that you're the most bestest -ever- !

had dinner at the parents' tonight. awesome! dad texted me to let me know it'd be later than usual...

and it turned out to be oven fried chicken, which...omigod...makes my southern heart sing. you have no idea. or maybe you do.

after dinner, i was feeling...all sortsa antsy, so I drove around a good bit. just got home...maybe 30 minutes ago. and...and...

blah blah blah, God is Good! God is Love! God is truly, unbelievably Merciful!

Schizophrenia? Hey, everybody's got something. My 'something' could be terrible, but...its not, not really. just...my something.

and I'm not a cry baby. maybe i was, maybe? then again...i had severe and obvious brain damage on top of physical health problems. oh, and the brain damage somehow made the depression and psychosis, etc. -worse- , not better. thanks bunches, psychiatry (LOL...I"m really not bitter, now...).

so...now that I stop and take a look back...I didn't understand the world around me, I was oppressed and despised, and my body was done for, as in...stick a fork in me, I'm done. boom. and yet...

did I mention that God is Good?!?! I'm healthy and surprisingly normal, now, and my parents are kind to me and my dad has even warmed up to me and I'm not so brain damaged, maybe? I dunno. I don't have the dead eyes and obvious brain damage, and my IQ estimate is back up, so its kinda...

well, it seems miracles do still happen, but when they happen to 'the least of these...' who but the Christians care, really? its not as if Jesus making me or any other of 'society's rejects' whole and healthy, etc. will make it onto CNN headline news or anything.

thanks, yet again....and please, please keep those prayers coming. I am increasingly grateful. I am also...increasingly aware of how little I matter to society, not just this surrounding community. 'wherever you go, there you are.'

 

[Christ_empowered]

its...me, again.

blah. i cannot say that i ever got any respect, but this is just ridiculous. I was awakened at 3ish AM to some women talking about me (my window faces out towards where people walk, parking, etc.), and...yeah. awesome.

and today, dudes were moving appliances out one of the units. im hoping the people there are --moving-- ((i haven't done anything to them....they just stomp, so much, and it reverberates down here, where i live, lol)), and the moving dudes were making loud comments, saying things, etc. its kinda like...

im not a cry baby, and im beginning to honestly see that there is some persecution here...not so much "Oh, he's a Christian, now...go after him!," more like...

God's work in my life--and I think faith is part of His work in my life, btw--creates some friction. That friction is on top of what one would get with a label of Schizophrenia, living in modest comfort, anyway....

so, there you go. blah.

on the plus side, my parents and I are getting along well. my dad's even warmed up to me, further...that's something of a miracle, or a reaction to God's work in my life (and my dad's heart, too, of course).

i was a weakling, in and of the world. i was also poor. now, going into 7 years of walking with The Lord, I'm normal, my parents are good to me, not so much a weakling, and...

"Schizophrenia" blah. is it...a brain disease? that kinda begs the question: if it is, why can't they do a brain scan and diagnosis that way? i had a brain scan, back in the day. severe brain damage. tics, dead eyes, obvious brain damage. now...

0 tics, bright eyes, no obvious brain damage...

and im labeled as "Schizophrenic." ugh. at least i 'voluntarily' (LOL) take a moderate dose of a newer drug and some prozac, nothing too crazy. its not like the old days where they'd put you on handfuls of Thorazine and wonder why you didn't get any better.

im rambling. God -is- Good, and He's seen fit to show His Goodness to me, in my own life, despite...well...me, and the life/existence I had before coming to truly believe upon Christ Jesus. so, I'm increasingly thankful.

i just...its a mean, harsh, cruel, unforgiving world, it really is, isn't it? ive been lifted out a real poverty and misery, im healthy, and...

truth is, most people see a 'mental patient from a good family...his people take care of him....' on a -good- day, as in...days when im more OK and the cruelty from all angles is tamed, taken down a couple notches.

'cry baby.' blah. I thank Jesus for His mercy and compassion, even straight up pity. I doubt I'll ever have a j-o-b again, maybe I'll be blessed with a volunteer position somewhere, and that'll be...my way to show Christ and (on a practical level) be around others -doing things- , add some structure to my life, and...and...

i dunno. my...schizoaffective, whatever they call it...now that im smart and healthy, maybe its a thorn in the flesh, a cross to bear, etc.? what's odd...

people will kill time with 'losers,' even 'weaklings,' to a point...(I know this, from experience when I was in and of the world)...

but 'schizophrenics' are often socially isolated. and a former gay, etc., saved by grace...blessed and also dealing with the 'phrenia...

not Mr.Popular. but its ok. Jesus loves me. My parents love me. and...

im not a cry baby.

 

[Christ_empowered]

the taunting...keeps on.

its not continuous, but...it happens -where i live- and again when i visit my parents (we live reasonably close to each other), and...

-sigh- my older, wiser Pentecostal friend says its satan, plus...just mean spirited people in the world, everywhere and anywhere one goes. true, that.

i dunno. on the plus side, -both- of my parents have warmed up to me a good bit. i mean...its more genuine love and care, less thru the motions duty, pity, obligation, etc., so...

despite my 'schizophrenia'/'schizoaffective'/whatever...i get treated like a valued member of the family. on so many levels, that's a miracle.

a big part of me wants to build a social life. then i take a step back, and i ponder; with whom? doing...what, where? to what end? I'm 35 now. not old, but...most people have their set circles by 35...a spouse, kid(s), perhaps church, work, and...yeah. yeah. it is what it is.

ok. im not a cry baby, but it does get rough when people insist on doing this stuff...and no one will say it -to my face- . there was one dude who tried to pick a fight with me, bullying me, but that was months ago, and i dont think he actually lives here. other than that...

blah. God is Good! God is Love! and people...

are a real let down, much of the time. :-(

 

[Tessa]

Hi CE
Don't let people Rob you of your self confidence. You are a true and good friend, and will attract the same kind of friends.

You have The Lord in your heart and life. You will never be alone.

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

The three things that I understood from all that is Jesus (and everybody else both online and irl) loves you, you are not a cry baby, and you are not alone. Which all of the above are true so that's all I really need to understand. A bunch of Christian love, hugs, prayers, and support are currently headed your way,.. incoming!

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, y'all. I just...don't enjoy being taunted, obviously. LOL.

As things simmer down--I've been living here for nearly a year, btw-- I find that what I'm left with is a gnawing sense of being a permanent outsider, something of an outcast.

I mean...could be worse. Scratch that; could be -bad- , and this isn't bad, its actually mild, compared to what many 'mental patients' go through, even to what I went through, before I knew Jesus and really until recently.

check this out: https://www.theadvocate.com/baton_r...cle_2d4ace34-ca98-11e9-861f-d7cf1bfe860d.html

and this: https://nurse.org/articles/nurse-attacked-by-patient-dies-manslaughter/


ugh. 'severe mental illness...' what is it, anyway? I thank -GOD- I've only been hospitalized 2x, and the last one was over 10 years ago.

ok.

 

[Michael74]

Relatives said they tried over and over again to get her into a long-term care facility, but kept coming up against the state's chronic shortage of beds.

Louisiana just doesn't have enough resources to properly treat all the people that need treatment. Bankers keep confiscating purchasing power from Louisiana's revenue, among other reasons.

 

[jasonc]

me, yet again. LOL.

-sigh- OK, so I have a safe, comfortable place to live. I drive. I'm now healthy, intelligent, surprisingly...normal...

and I don't know what I can really do, realistically. no one will hire me around here, I'm fairly certain of that. when I did work around here, back in the day, the "mental health professionals" used my little jobs as a way to control and punish me (long story...I've been regarded as a "trouble maker" and/or "weakling" for a long time...either way, the shrinks go all 1950s...), and so...

volunteering? dad seems to get frustrated with me. he always worked. now, his job is what I'd consider pretty cushy...he's not rich, not middle class, either. mama's retired from her high stress job. thing is...

even with volunteer work, how does a pariah volunteer? i've tried online services to match me to volunteer stuff, and...no. nothing that I could actually do, honestly. and...

I'm not a "weakling," now, only by the grace of God...but I'm regarded as a "trouble maker" and/or "uppity mental patient," basically "he doesn't know his place in society!," etc. blah. oh, btw: avoid psychiatrists if you can.

so, I don't know...what to do, where to go. ideally, id move and that'd be the end of that. I have moved...once to another part of the state, another time out of state. things just got...more intense, in different ways. i know it sounds paranoid to say that people came after me, but...they did, and I know they did. true story.

basically...I'm left looking at life from here on out...a life in which I've been spared, saved, forgiven, washed+made clean...

but it seems that the psychiatrists, counselors, etc. from 'back then' don't want to let me go, they really don't. if it was up to them, id be on the streets or in prison (trust me on that one...its the rough side of the 'helping professions...').

blah. thanks for the prayers and replies.

Look for a vet group.I bet they will use you as many with ptsd will receive you.many vets who cabt work fully will volunteer .

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, jasonc .

its kinda...strange...for all this talk of "Schizophrenia" and/or "Bipolar," "Schizoaffective," etc., I kinda think....

I started out as a low status, constantly bullied, short (5'7), prematurely aged, spunky flamer who thought the psych industry could "help" or...whatever. Not -all- their fault, but...

I ended up destitute, kept out of severe poverty by my (long suffering, loving) parents, obviously brain damaged. And now...

? I don't live in poverty, I don't know the state of my brain damage, but my IQ estimate is up and I don't have -obvious- brain damage, I've got a genuine relationship with my (wonderful) parents, and...

yeah. Mental Health, Inc. went crazy insane on me, and now I think maybe it--the 'affliction'--is more PTSD of some sort than anything else. My 'auditory hallucinations' are mild, anyway, and they deal with loops and replays of stuff that came before...

"stuff" from being 'society's reject,' being physically sick and tormented for 'non-compliance,' etc. etc. etc. blah. honestly...

I'm doing much better, by God's grace...and I think a whole lot of it is still having a strong sense of oppression, of being "kept in line," while also being very sick and brain damaged, not understanding the world around me. Of course, now...

now, I'm remarkably healthy and normal. I don't even have premature aging, somehow. So...again: God is Good! God is Love! God is Merciful!

But I dunno about all this "Schizoaffective" stuff...then again, I've read stats that show that the -majority- of the 'severely mentally ill' have some intense trauma going on...

thankfully, my childhood years were solid. maybe that's one reason I'm in the "high functioning" category? and, the other thing...

most people in Mental Health, Inc. will cover up for the others of Mental Health, Inc. They don't want to hear about trauma from substandard treatment or anything like that....

blah. maybe I should see about getting in with an understanding family doctor.

Thanks again.