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Do You Want to Get Well?

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Susannah

Susannah
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I am a Christian, but I am also in recovery for various addictions. I wrote this in 1985. It is not meant to provoke a debate. It is just my thoughts about fear.

One of the men lying there had been sick for 38 years. When Jesus saw him and knew how long he had been ill, He asked him, “Would you like to get well?” “I can’t,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to help me into the pool at the movement of the water. While I am trying to get there, someone else always gets in ahead of me.” Jesus told him, “Stand up, roll up your sleeping mat and go on home.” John 5:5-8, The Living New Testament

I believe that to reach our full potential, and to serve Christ to an optimal degree, we must heal the wounds of our past. By wounds, I mean the legacy of neglect and abuse—such things as fear, anger, and shame. Healing our wounds also guarantees that we will not pass our pain on to others and destroy their lives. This is important to me because I carry around many wounds. Most of them are the legacy of a childhood filled with loneliness and depression.

Of course, it took me a long time to realize that I was being held back by my emotional problems, and, when I finally did, I still lacked the motivation to do anything about the situation. Then, one day, while discussing all of this with a friend, she asked me, “What holds you back from getting better? What do you think the block is?” Without thinking, I found myself blurting out, “I am afraid to get better. Mental health is unfamiliar. It is a mystery that lies beyond a closed door and I have no peep hole. That mystery feels like a beast ready to devour me if I open the door. What if getting better is worse than being sick? It can happen. Besides, I think I have bonded to my vision of myself as a victim. I prefer self-pity to self-esteem” “My friend looked at me in surprise, but before she could say anything I left. I really didn’t want to talk about this because it made me feel ashamed.

Not long after this conversation, I sat down to read The Living Bible. Without thinking, I turned to the gospel of John. Soon, I got to the story of the sick man by the pool (John 5:6-8). I had read this story before, and liked it, but this time when I got to the words, “Would you like to get better?” a loud voice boomed in my head, “No.” At first I was shocked by this passionate and spontaneous response to the question Jesus had posed, and I didn’t know what to make of it. Then I remembered my earlier conversation with my friend.

As I began to reflect on this story in John, in terms of what I had revealed to my friend about my fear of getting better and my victim mentality, I found it particularly fascinating that once Christ confronts the sick man about whether or not he wants to get well, the man in question begins to make excuses. (Don’t we all.) And the man never really answers Christ. (If he is anything like me he probably just stood there looking sheepish, trying to find more excuses for going back to his bed.) Fortunately for the man (and for me) Jesus let him off the hook and simply gave him the answer to his dilemma. “Stand up, roll up your sleeping mat and go home.” In other words, do something—take action—don’t sit around the pool in a state of suspended animation.

So this is what I did. I got down on my knees and prayed for the willingness, courage, and guidance to change. I said out loud, “Yes! Lord! I want to get well!” Then I picked up my mat, or in my case got out of bed both literally or figuratively, and went home.

Home, as it turned out, is both a metaphorical and physical place. Metaphorically, it is that place in my heart where my soul resided before the trauma and where today I am a free and unblemished spirit unencumbered by my fears and illusions. Literally, it is the church where I can incorporate the Christian disciplines of prayer, meditation, confession, study, submission, and worship into my life—all the things that are helping me get better. Most of all, it is behind that door I was so afraid of where the Holy Sprit teaches me everything I need to know about reaching my full potential as a human being.

So remember the lesson of the sick man by the pool. Christ is not going to heal us without our permission. We must say yes to mental health. We must get past your reservations about being happy (as strange as that sounds). And we must do something—sometimes even before the willingness comes.
 
I am a Christian, but I am also in recovery for various addictions. I wrote this in 1985. It is not meant to provoke a debate. It is just my thoughts about fear.

One of the men lying there had been sick for 38 years. When Jesus saw him and knew how long he had been ill, He asked him, “Would you like to get well?” “I can’t,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to help me into the pool at the movement of the water. While I am trying to get there, someone else always gets in ahead of me.” Jesus told him, “Stand up, roll up your sleeping mat and go on home.” John 5:5-8, The Living New Testament

I believe that to reach our full potential, and to serve Christ to an optimal degree, we must heal the wounds of our past. By wounds, I mean the legacy of neglect and abuse—such things as fear, anger, and shame. Healing our wounds also guarantees that we will not pass our pain on to others and destroy their lives. This is important to me because I carry around many wounds. Most of them are the legacy of a childhood filled with loneliness and depression.

Of course, it took me a long time to realize that I was being held back by my emotional problems, and, when I finally did, I still lacked the motivation to do anything about the situation. Then, one day, while discussing all of this with a friend, she asked me, “What holds you back from getting better? What do you think the block is?” Without thinking, I found myself blurting out, “I am afraid to get better. Mental health is unfamiliar. It is a mystery that lies beyond a closed door and I have no peep hole. That mystery feels like a beast ready to devour me if I open the door. What if getting better is worse than being sick? It can happen. Besides, I think I have bonded to my vision of myself as a victim. I prefer self-pity to self-esteem” “My friend looked at me in surprise, but before she could say anything I left. I really didn’t want to talk about this because it made me feel ashamed.

Not long after this conversation, I sat down to read The Living Bible. Without thinking, I turned to the gospel of John. Soon, I got to the story of the sick man by the pool (John 5:6-8). I had read this story before, and liked it, but this time when I got to the words, “Would you like to get better?” a loud voice boomed in my head, “No.” At first I was shocked by this passionate and spontaneous response to the question Jesus had posed, and I didn’t know what to make of it. Then I remembered my earlier conversation with my friend.

As I began to reflect on this story in John, in terms of what I had revealed to my friend about my fear of getting better and my victim mentality, I found it particularly fascinating that once Christ confronts the sick man about whether or not he wants to get well, the man in question begins to make excuses. (Don’t we all.) And the man never really answers Christ. (If he is anything like me he probably just stood there looking sheepish, trying to find more excuses for going back to his bed.) Fortunately for the man (and for me) Jesus let him off the hook and simply gave him the answer to his dilemma. “Stand up, roll up your sleeping mat and go home.” In other words, do something—take action—don’t sit around the pool in a state of suspended animation.

So this is what I did. I got down on my knees and prayed for the willingness, courage, and guidance to change. I said out loud, “Yes! Lord! I want to get well!” Then I picked up my mat, or in my case got out of bed both literally or figuratively, and went home.

Home, as it turned out, is both a metaphorical and physical place. Metaphorically, it is that place in my heart where my soul resided before the trauma and where today I am a free and unblemished spirit unencumbered by my fears and illusions. Literally, it is the church where I can incorporate the Christian disciplines of prayer, meditation, confession, study, submission, and worship into my life—all the things that are helping me get better. Most of all, it is behind that door I was so afraid of where the Holy Sprit teaches me everything I need to know about reaching my full potential as a human being.

So remember the lesson of the sick man by the pool. Christ is not going to heal us without our permission. We must say yes to mental health. We must get past your reservations about being happy (as strange as that sounds). And we must do something—sometimes even before the willingness comes.
good points
 
I got this very sweet email when this article was first published on my website. God is good. I love to write and I love to help people. I am a Wounded Healer.

I have a 57-year-old friend who has spent her whole adult life fighting schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and numerous physical problems. This summer she was going downhill so fast both physically and emotionally we feared we would have to put her in managed care. She has a high IQ and has her degree in psychology but neither her education or her therapists or psychiatrists could help her.

I gave her a copy of the article. She read it and realized she was afraid to get well. She spent some time thinking about it and decided she had nothing to lose. She made the decision to get well and has made such amazing progress none of her therapists or doctors can believe it.

The story is too long to tell here but I wanted you to know what an impact her article made and how instrumental it was in Janet's decision to change her life and get well. She has begun attending Vallejo Drive Church and wants to become a member. She wants to go back to school and become a hospital chaplain. Thanks to you for helping to save her life."

Linda
 
I enjoy discussing this topic.

But your quote is only slightly off.
Do you want to be well?
Getting well is about a journey to wellness...
But being well is to be past the journey towards wellness and living in wellness.
 
"prefer self pity to self esteem" that is an interesting insight which may apply to many.
becoming "well" and getting "better"
has its responsibilities.
 
I got this very sweet email when this article was first published on my website. God is good. I love to write and I love to help people. I am a Wounded Healer.

I have a 57-year-old friend who has spent her whole adult life fighting schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and numerous physical problems. This summer she was going downhill so fast both physically and emotionally we feared we would have to put her in managed care. She has a high IQ and has her degree in psychology but neither her education or her therapists or psychiatrists could help her.

I gave her a copy of the article. She read it and realized she was afraid to get well. She spent some time thinking about it and decided she had nothing to lose. She made the decision to get well and has made such amazing progress none of her therapists or doctors can believe it.

The story is too long to tell here but I wanted you to know what an impact her article made and how instrumental it was in Janet's decision to change her life and get well. She has begun attending Vallejo Drive Church and wants to become a member. She wants to go back to school and become a hospital chaplain. Thanks to you for helping to save her life."

Linda
Hi Susan,
What a great letter to receive back! God is amazing and has used your writings to bring a piece of heaven into some bodies life. What a blessing!

I read your blog on this, and it's an amazing piece!
You wrote;
"I believe that to be happy and reach our full potential, we must heal the wounds of our past. By wounds, I mean the legacy of neglect and abuse—such things as fear, anger, and shame. Healing our wounds also guarantees that we will not pass our pain on to others and destroy their lives. This is important to me because I carry around many wounds. Most of them are the legacy of a childhood filled with loneliness and depression."


Thank you!
 
You are welcome. Thank you for your kind words. I have been writing since I was ten. I love it. I am retired now, and my husband just passed away, so writing is keeping me out of trouble. LOL
 
Stop being such a nit picker... It depends on which translation you use. All translations have their proper place...?
My bad...
Just heard too many stories about people "trying to get well" making the journey the end goal instead of actually embracing being well.

That was my real point.
IOW people who say they want to be well but their actions say otherwise.
I guess I'm a little hypersensitive to this topic.
 
You are welcome. Thank you for your kind words. I have been writing since I was ten. I love it. I am retired now, and my husband just passed away, so writing is keeping me out of trouble. LOL
Since you are a writer...
Do you participate in Nanowrimo in the fall?
Do you like Scrivner?
What's your thoughts on the Indie market?
 
Sorry . . . that is all over my head. I write for those in recovery for some kind of addiction. When I started out, I prayed that I be a "channel for his peace." The Holy Spirit responded by saying "Keep it simple." So I use my skills as a teacher to use a vocabulary that is to the point and simplistic." By the way, I tried four times to read William James, "A Variety of Religious Experiences." and never could get to the end. LOL
 
Sorry . . . that is all over my head. I write for those in recovery for some kind of addiction. When I started out, I prayed that I be a "channel for his peace." The Holy Spirit responded by saying "Keep it simple." So I use my skills as a teacher to use a vocabulary that is to the point and simplistic." By the way, I tried four times to read William James, "A Variety of Religious Experiences." and never could get to the end. LOL
My wife is a writer...she introduced me to this stuff so I thought that I'd engage with you on the subjects surrounding writing.
 
I appreciate the comments about "be" well versus "get" well. In the beginning of my recovery I was really sick and I had to "get" well. Once the Lord healed me I needed to "be" well and not backslide. As it turned out, today I am both. I am well from many of my sins but not all of them. I am a work in progress and I thank Jesus for sending the Healer, Counselor, and Comforter. I am also grateful that I am loved as I struggle and that I have been forgiven. Take care and thanks.
 
I appreciate the comments about "be" well versus "get" well. In the beginning of my recovery I was really sick and I had to "get" well. Once the Lord healed me I needed to "be" well and not backslide. As it turned out, today I am both. I am well from many of my sins but not all of them. I am a work in progress and I thank Jesus for sending the Healer, Counselor, and Comforter. I am also grateful that I am loved as I struggle and that I have been forgiven. Take care and thanks.

Yes!
The story of Sampson is one about sins of our youth have consequences long through the years. We may be recovered and forgiven but some sins still stain us for decades to come. An important lesson to teach youth.
 
I used to suffer from severe depression--many people live with depression lifelong, but in my case it was a temporary thing, brought on by psychological addiction. (Think video game addiction, it's real and it wrecked my mental health.)

I did get better, gradually, over time, until my depression left entirely. But even as my mental condition improved, I did notice that I found myself almost wanting to go back to being severely depressed. Being sick was familiar, and when all I had had to do was concentrate on getting better, I didn't have all those other worries and responsibilities that came with living. I almost wanted to go back to that helpless state, because in some aspects it was easier than being well.
 
You are welcome. Thank you for your kind words. I have been writing since I was ten. I love it. I am retired now, and my husband just passed away, so writing is keeping me out of trouble. LOL
Well, you are a wonderful writer and it shows!
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I'm not looking forward to that day, assuming i outlive my beautiful wife.
I've read several of your blogs and they are inspirational as well as practical and you have a kind and we'll meaning spirit. God is using you in marvelous ways. I can't imagine your joy when you received such a validating letter.

I believe that God doesn't waste any of our past and He uses it to help others be freed from the bondage in our mind that can often grip us so tightly, and the letter you received is a testimony of affirmation to Gods economy.

Thank you for sharing.
 
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