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Failing as a mom

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I've realized this. My daughter is a rude, bratty bully and since I'm the only one raising her, it's nobody's fault but mine. She talks back, she's mean, she does things she's told not to do as soon as she's told not to do them, she hits, kicks and pushes kids. My kid is horrible. And the truth is, I know she's not. She's a very sensitive, caring child but has changed a lot in the past few months. Even the parents at her school are complaining about her.

And I am feeling a lot of guilt because it's all my fault. The truth is that after I get home from work, I check out mentally. I do the minimum. I go through the motions but it's like I'm not present and I don't have the patience or energy to offer her anything else. And I feel absolutely horrible saying that. I feel like a selfish person. When I get home, I just want to be left alone and I want peace and quiet and by now, I should understand that's not part of the deal of single parenting. I have to be present and ready and I can honeslty say that I hate that. I hate that I have to remain alert and that once I leave my stressful job, I have to continue on to another stresfful job. It's never ending. And I'm completely failing at it. Now I have to fix what I broke.
 
LaMexicana, often times it seems we parents either downplay their child's bad behavior, or we make too much of it. You know better than anyone here how close your appraisal of your child is. It also sounds like you know what the solution is, or a big part of it. Now, you need to be in prayer for the strength to change you from the inside, give you the commitment and energy to do it. I can't imagine what you're up against, not being a single father, but I imagine it would be incredibly difficult. My wife has been away for a few lengthy trips with our church, and when she returned, I was at the door holding the kids out for her to take!

Knowing you have done less than you could, and coming out and admitting it is a good thing. It would be much worse if you were in denial and put it all on her, or her school, or her friends...

You need strength, and that comes in prayer, but also time for yourself. Do you have an outlet? Family that can give you rest for a while here and there? You know what they always say on the airplanes... see to your need for oxygen before seeing to the needs of your children. In this case, I wouldn't say "before", but you do need to "while" you're seeing to her needs. You're not going to be much better going forward if you don't find rest and peace yourself. Blessings. :pray :pray :pray
 
Mike said:
LaMexicana, often times it seems we parents either downplay their child's bad behavior, or we make too much of it. You know better than anyone here how close your appraisal of your child is. It also sounds like you know what the solution is, or a big part of it. Now, you need to be in prayer for the strength to change you from the inside, give you the commitment and energy to do it. I can't imagine what you're up against, not being a single father, but I imagine it would be incredibly difficult. My wife has been away for a few lengthy trips with our church, and when she returned, I was at the door holding the kids out for her to take!

Knowing you have done less than you could, and coming out and admitting it is a good thing. It would be much worse if you were in denial and put it all on her, or her school, or her friends...

You need strength, and that comes in prayer, but also time for yourself. Do you have an outlet? Family that can give you rest for a while here and there? You know what they always say on the airplanes... see to your need for oxygen before seeing to the needs of your children. In this case, I wouldn't say "before", but you do need to "while" you're seeing to her needs. You're not going to be much better going forward if you don't find rest and peace yourself. Blessings. :pray :pray :pray
Thanks Mike, that's actually very encouraging :)

As for help, well, I guess I don't feel I deserve help. I feel like these are the consequences for my actions and I have to deal with it on my own. My mom does help me some but my parents kind of encourage that same mentality of this is what I deserve for being a bad person. Don't get me wrong, my parents are great actually and we spend a lot of time with them but they are super conservative. So I ask for help once in a while but there's a lot of guilt that comes along with that and for the most part they think I need to suck it up and make sure she's my entire life which means very little alone time.

Volleyball is my outlet actually but I take my daughter to most of my tournaments so I have to continue mothering even when I'm playing so it's no much of an escape. I guess maybe I should just pray for the Lord to give me patience and energy and stop praying for a break...
 
Now, I think you're being hard on yourself. What's done is done. You DO need rest, even if you don't believe you deserve it. Feeling guilty and being tired is not a good combination for a single mother. And, further, your little girl deserves a rested, refreshed Mom. All you can do is make things better going forward. Beating yourself up over past mistakes isn't going to allow you to move forward.

When you do turn this around and commit yourself to change, think about the life lesson you could share with you girl one day when she's going through a rough time. "There was a time when Mommy was really down and beaten up, but I prayed on it and with God's help, we made things new. Just remember, when you run into difficult times, you have God who loves you to help you out of where you're at." That could be an awesome conversation with her! :thumb
 
Mike had a lot of good words to say. :yes :thumb Children are a lot of responsibility. For a single mother, having "alone time" is certainly rare. As mothers, we are often most hard on ourselves when anything goes wrong with our children. Society is equally as unforgiving. Take heart, Raquel, part of it is indeed parenting, but part of it is also inborn personality. Some of the qualities you described in your daughter actually reminded me of you-- except not in a negative way. What I am saying is that there is both bad and good to personality traits, and these negative things you are seeing in your daughter are like the mirror to some of the positive traits that I see in you through your posts. Your daughter is young still, which is good, because it means that you have time to help her learn to develop the positive aspects of these traits, and learn to work on holding back the negative aspects. Change aggression to assertiveness for example. Read books on how to teach children positive ways to communicate with others and then practice these things with your daughter so that she can learn to develop those positive things.

James Dobson put out a new book on bringing up girls, but I have not read it yet, so I don't know if I would recommend it or not. You might talk to others and see what they think of it. I have known some Christians who swear by his books on parenting. The one thing I will caution you on when you read his books, is they often are written toward two parent homes and are not always practical for a single parent. You also may try watching that show supernanny (if it is still on). I watched it a few times long ago, and that lady is spot on in her advice to parents. I just looked and there is a website. http://www.supernanny.com/
 
I can definitely say that if I felt more rested, I'd have a lot more patience. And also if we spent a little more time apart maybe we wouldn't get on each other's nerves so much. Just even getting out to watch a movie by myself would be really nice. For whatever reason I have fallen out of my routine with her and I think that's why we have fallen apart.

And you're right, Rain, I can say my daughter is a mirror of me...it's a little scary actually. I really need to put the effort into turning these characteristics into positive one because I'm already worn out and dealing with her behavior is putting me at my witt's end. I need to be active in changing all of this.
 
LaMexicana,

You are doing a great job! Just remember we all can do better! You're a single mom but you shouldn't be alone! Where is your church in all this? Do you have someone at your church, a Deacon, youth minister you can reach out to for help? Remember your church is your family! if you need help ask them! Remember that God comes first, then your daughter, then yourself last, but that doesn't mean you can let yourself get beatup!

If you're run down and feeling tired, Pray with your daughter! :) I love praying with my kids! My 16 yr old sometimes gets put off a bit but he understands eventually. When he started bringing his girlfriend over and we all clasped hands in the living room for a impromptu prayer, he was nervous but she loved it!

God Bless you LaMexicana!
 
What about finding another mom or 3 to switch with. I'll take yours for the day if you take mine next time. It's not much, but it would allow her some time with a new friend and you would get some rest. You could do whatever you needed or wanted to do without her.
 
George, we do pray and read bible stories together. As for church, I don't attend church at the moment. She goes with my parents once in a while but we are not active in a church. I know, I know...I should go back. I hear it from my mom all the time. I'm trying to let go of my own issues and go just for her, I'm going with a friend in a couple weeks. We'll see how it goes.

Heather, that idea has crossed my mind but I don't have many friends that have children. And, like I said, for myself, there is always guilt passing off my daughter whether I need the break or not. I don't feel at peace leaving her with anyone else...not sure why. I feel more comfortable paying a babysitter because it's their job to watch kids than leaving her with someone I know and them thinking I'm selfish...it's a weird issue I have with that. Even with sitters I feel somewhat guilty.

In general, this whole guilt thing need to go away somehow...it's draining me.
 
Then I will pray for you. And I suggest seriously praying for yourself...that the Lord takes away this guilt and gives you the peace you need to get some rest. Jesus says, "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
 
Thank you Heather, I'd appreciate it.

We had a better night last night. She actually asked me why I'm always so tired after work...I had no answer. So we hung out, cuddled some, read a book...it was good. Hopefully she'll have a calmer day today because apparently she launched a metal ball at a another kid's head yesterday. We prayed last night and this morning about her respecting others and thinking about her actions before she follows through. Oh, I hope she has a better day. I don't want her to be a meanie.
 
How old is your daughter? This may be just a phase she is going through. I'll always remember talking with an acquaintance that I knew who was a primary care doctor. I was complaining about my son at the time, and I'll always remember him looking at me, pausing, and saying, "You have no idea what I see in my practice every day. Kids that do the most heinous things you could imagine."

His words and the grief in his eyes really had me look at my own child differently. Consider looking at the good in her and encouraging that kind of behavior. Accentuate the positive and tell her often the things about her that fill your heart with pride. You probably do, but I think kids need to hear their parents affirm correct decisions more than they do.

One day at a time, and it sounds like you're off to a new start! :)
 
LaMexicana said:
Thank you Heather, I'd appreciate it.

We had a better night last night. She actually asked me why I'm always so tired after work...I had no answer. So we hung out, cuddled some, read a book...it was good. Hopefully she'll have a calmer day today because apparently she launched a metal ball at a another kid's head yesterday. We prayed last night and this morning about her respecting others and thinking about her actions before she follows through. Oh, I hope she has a better day. I don't want her to be a meanie.

This is an awesome post. :yes :thumb
 
Raquel, you have to address this, sweetheart. For everybody’s sake.

First of all for your own sake, because you are feeling like a failure now. Yes, you made some mistakes that snowballed, but it is not irreversible. It can be fixed, Honey.

Second of all, you need to do it for your daughter’s sake. Bullies are unpopular and they know it. Children need to feel a sense of belonging and if they are unpopular it seriously affects a child’s self image when no-one wants to play with them.

Thirdly, you need to do it for sake of the children whom are currently the victims of her bullying. Need I say more?

Anyway, your daughter is particularly beautiful – saw the picture with the face paint – and she doesn’t look bratty at all. Maybe she just needs a little attention? See how well things went when the two of you just cuddled?

I will pray for you for strength, wisdom and patience. Not just today but for as long as you need it. Keep us posted, please?
 
Mike, my daughter is 5...will be turning 6 September 9th. Kids are pretty hardcore and I've realized this in watching my daughter's classmates. There are some snooty, mean kids in there that have been rude to me actually. Being a little kid is rough!

I'Chante...she is not a bratty child in general. But one thing I have noticed is that she feels very uncomfortable in social situations. I see her mannerisms and I see them as a sign that she is completely nervous and anxious. She says everyone is mean to her and treats her badly and I think her "bullying" comes from being picked on and feeling anxious. That is the only way she knows how to react. I'm not excusing her actions at all but I have seen children be mean to her...I don't know why they don't like her. She's more a loner, she's completely fine playing by herself or one more child, preferably younger.

It might also be her teacher who I've had a problem with for quite a while. She's not the nicest lady ever. But she goes to kindergarten in a few weeks and I won't have to deal with her anymore. I'm hoping the change in environment will be good for her because if you are nice and gentle to my daughter, she will be the same back.
 
I have been a loner most of my life. I was the same way when I was younger, playing with just one other child, usually younger. When I wanted to be social in middle school and high school, that was restricted by my mother. She had 2 toddlers and wouldn't take care of them, thus I was thrown into the parent role and not allowed to socialize too much outside of normal school hours. While I never responded to being picked on by bullying other children, I just played more by myself. Even now, I find making friends that get together and socialize difficult.
 
LaMexicana said:
It might also be her teacher who I've had a problem with for quite a while. She's not the nicest lady ever. But she goes to kindergarten in a few weeks and I won't have to deal with her anymore. I'm hoping the change in environment will be good for her because if you are nice and gentle to my daughter, she will be the same back.

My daughter is in a school with the most amazing teacher. As you said; she is kind and gentle and the children treats her the same way. My daughter has absolutely blossomed since she started there in the beginning of this year. I hope things will go better once she is in kindergarden.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
l'Chante said:
LaMexicana said:
It might also be her teacher who I've had a problem with for quite a while. She's not the nicest lady ever. But she goes to kindergarten in a few weeks and I won't have to deal with her anymore. I'm hoping the change in environment will be good for her because if you are nice and gentle to my daughter, she will be the same back.

My daughter is in a school with the most amazing teacher. As you said; she is kind and gentle and the children treats her the same way. My daughter has absolutely blossomed since she started there in the beginning of this year. I hope things will go better once she is in kindergarden.

I will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you! I've heard from several of my teacher friends that the type of teacher makes a huge difference. I've just realized that both the teacher and I are intense, aggressive people (though I think she's a little more cold-hearted than me) and if we don't control that, she reacts badly. Her tutor is a very gentle, soft spoken young lady and my daughter has never reacted badly towards her. So I do understand this. I am trying to be a gentler, kinder mommy.

And she spit on another little girl yesterday. Aaaaahhh!! Again, we had another talk about respect but I didn't yell at her! I was very soft spoken but stern. I brought myself down to her level and we talked about being kind to others and what Jesus would want her to do. Sigh. It's a work in progress. But she apologized to her teacher and the little girl and her dad because I think the dad has complained a few times about my daughter's behavior :sad
 
LaMexicana, I think you'll find as your little girl goes through school that teachers can be a HUGE part of the equation. Teaching is not for everyone, and we've seen (the hard way) the difference between people who have the gifts to teach and those who are "square pegs in round holes". Good teachers are worth their weight in gold. Bad ones? :mad :verysick

Our oldest son was always a happy-go-lucky kid. We had parents write us cards saying how nice he was. One year, he had a teacher that turned her classroom into a train wreck. Most of the kids, who weren't her select pets, were really shaken. I mean, they were broken! We were looking at our son throughout the year, worried that he was changing into someone we didn't know anymore. :verysad

But, within one month of his next year in another teacher's classroom, he regained his confidence and his attitude. Right back on path! If we worked for a manager who railed on us every day, this would take it's toll on us. And we've gained life skills to deal with this! A child who spends 6+ hours a day with a teacher/dictator can impact a child's coping skills greatly!

I'll bet, with your efforts to spend more quality time together and a teacher who has the true heart of a teacher, you will see an amazing transformation in your girl. I'm looking forward to a victory story from you in about 3 months!! :yes God is Good, and He'll be Good to your girl! :amen
 
I wish I could shower you with words of wisdom, but I don’t think that I will take any trophies for the “parent that knows all’ award. My daughter turned six a couple of days ago so she approximately the same age as your little one. I think the difference between my daughter and yours is that mine gets showered with attention. I live with my parents so they drop her off at school in the mornings, they go fetch her again in the afternoons and then she spends the rest of the day with them. They make the most of this time with her (she is the only grandchild) because when my fiancé and I get home we claim our pound of flesh. Often I’m too tired spend proper quality time with her and we’ll just cuddle in front of the television, or my fiancé will take her outside to push her on the swing. And then, of course she has an amazing teacher as well.

From what I gather you are not as fortunate to have that kind of support network and that is what makes it very difficult to give advice. Quite frankly I have no idea how you have come this far without killing somebody. I really take my hat off to you, because I know for a fact that I would’ve had a nervous breakdown by now if I were in your shoes.

Good luck, Raquel.
 
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