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Forgiving Adultery

wajajejllc

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My wife and I have been married for 18+ years. We have been separated since Feb. I am wanting prayer for reconciliation. I registered for Christian Forums to ask a question and get counsel from other believers and for prayer for the following. My wife confessed to me in April that she committed adultery in March of this year. It was very painful. I have forgiven her from my heart. My issue that I deal with in a large part is jealousy. But I have been struggling with wanting to know who the other person was. It consumes me at times and comes into my mind without warning at times. Is it proper for me to want to know who the other person is? Should I even be concerned about it? How do I handle it in light of scriptural truth. The only thing that comes to mind immediately is that verse in Hebrews, "whoremongers and adulterers, God will judge. What should be my attitude towards all this?
 

reba

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WOW not an easy spot to be in... Knowing the other person will not help you ... it will just give you more negative to dwell on . That consuming does not come from God.

Php 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Php 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Php 4:9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Not an easy task in these human bodies ... :)
 

Eugene

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[QUOTE="wajajejllc, post: 1368401, member: 10585"whoremongers and adulterers, God will judge. What should be my attitude towards all this?[/QUOTE]
Has God forgiven her, and is her sin even remembered.?
Isa 38:17 Behold, for peace I had great bitterness: but thou hast in love to my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast all my sins behind thy back.
Isa 43:25 I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.

If God can do this for us, shall we having been forgiven do less? Can you love your wife as God does?
 

Knotical

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If you have truly forgiven your wife it should not matter who the other person is. Dwelling on it will only give the devil ammunition to cause you to stumble.
 

dirtfarmer

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My wife and I have been married for 18+ years. We have been separated since Feb. I am wanting prayer for reconciliation. I registered for Christian Forums to ask a question and get counsel from other believers and for prayer for the following. My wife confessed to me in April that she committed adultery in March of this year. It was very painful. I have forgiven her from my heart. My issue that I deal with in a large part is jealousy. But I have been struggling with wanting to know who the other person was. It consumes me at times and comes into my mind without warning at times. Is it proper for me to want to know who the other person is? Should I even be concerned about it? How do I handle it in light of scriptural truth. The only thing that comes to mind immediately is that verse in Hebrews, "whoremongers and adulterers, God will judge. What should be my attitude towards all this?
hello wajajejllc, dirtfarmer here

It is not easy to overcome a broken promise by humans. It usually causes mistrust, "Can I believe that the truth is being told or not?", from the human perspective. Time does heal all and if you can't forgive one mistake by another person, why should we even expect love to grow. If, and it is a big if, you and your spouse can be reconciled, then your spouse's love for you will be even greater because of forgiveness. Yours' for her will grow strong as time passes as you see her love increase for you. There will be a time when you no longer doubt but will know that unfaithfulness from your spouse would never be an issue any longer.

We have the greatest example of someone loving the unlovable in our savior Jesus Christ. Just remember that Christ went to the cross, not because of one offense but many offenses.

Remember we're to be like Christ, loving and forgiving.
 

wajajejllc

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Thank you all for your responses and prayers. And do please pray for reconciliation and healing in my marriage. I so want our family to be together again, loving God and honoring our Savior. I have from my heart, as best as I know how, forgiven my wife. Our children need to see their mother and father loving one another.
 

ezra

 
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My wife and I have been married for 18+ years. We have been separated since Feb. I am wanting prayer for reconciliation. I registered for Christian Forums to ask a question and get counsel from other believers and for prayer for the following. My wife confessed to me in April that she committed adultery in March of this year. It was very painful. I have forgiven her from my heart. My issue that I deal with in a large part is jealousy. But I have been struggling with wanting to know who the other person was. It consumes me at times and comes into my mind without warning at times. Is it proper for me to want to know who the other person is? Should I even be concerned about it? How do I handle it in light of scriptural truth. The only thing that comes to mind immediately is that verse in Hebrews, "whoremongers and adulterers, God will judge. What should be my attitude towards all this?
you both need pastoral counsel and lots of prayer and keep communication open talk this thing out .there are good people in this forum..but you do not need advice from strangers.. get Godly counsel
 

ezra

 
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Not directly.
its best not to this will only create more problems for both of you and your wife .plus it could cause strife between you and the person leading to a fight . your best off let it be
 

for_his_glory

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Hi wajajejlic and welcome to CF :wave2

You have stated you have forgiven her from your heart and that is a hard thing to do and there is no need to dwell on who this guy is as others have already said this will give place to Satan to come in and try to cause havoc. Your wife also needs to ask God to forgive her in order for the two of you to sit down and try to reconcile your marriage. You never mentioned if she is a Christian or not as we do fall at times and you need to find a good Christian mediator to sit down with as you and your wife talk about everything laying it all on the table. You are in my prayers :pray.
 

ezra

 
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a good church and a place on your knees is a good start then talk with the pastor or a christian marriage counselor
 

Northman

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Not directly.
But she knew you wanted to know and wouldn't say?

I'm going to be the odd man out here. Unfortunately I do have experience as the offending party on such an occasion. EVERYTHING needs to come into the light. The offending party doesnt get to keep anything hidden. The thing that gets done where people try and hold information secret as a guise to protect actually destroys. Its not honest and its not coming clean. Not only that that but the decision to do that isnt theirs, its yours.

It might be hard to find out who it is and unfortunately, the more resistance there is in releasing such information is usually linked to how close this person actually was, to you or her. If it drives you nuts as much as you say to not know, then you most likely will have to indeed know for the sake of closure.

I have no idea why anyone would advise you to not know. Thats whats called giving a foothold to the devil, keeping a secret from one you are supposed to be one flesh with.
 

wajajejllc

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That is part of what the issue is. I know that nearly all counsel I receive has been that I do not need to know and that I just need to forgive the individual. Can I properly offer forgiveness to a person of an offense when I do not know whom to forgive?
Also, there is the issue of "who was it" that Satan keeps bringing up. I do not purpose to consciously think about it and I could be in the checkout lane at the grocery store and there is some man there and the devil says, "Was it that guy?". Or it could be in many other venues. It would be good to know who it was so I could know who it is not. I know the issue has been presented of how one might react in wanting to confront the individual if they knew. I do want to forgive. I do not want to respond inappropriately. I would like to ask the man questions about why and did he know she was married. And what about individuals that knew who the adulterer was. I have heard many testimonies, usually of women, knowing it was their neighbor, co-worker, etc.
 

reba

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You say that satan keeps bringing up "who was it.".
You dont have to forgive a person just forgive....
 

for_his_glory

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The question you need to be asking yourself is what will you do if you would know who it is. I know you said you would forgive him, but would you also hold animosity towards him in the back of your mind.
 

wajajejllc

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I don't think anyone really knows how they are going to respond under the circumstances. As I had said, I would have some questions, but would want to forgive and let the individual know that I have given control over to God. I am not consciously holding any animosity that I know of. But does anyone have scriptural support for their post? Forgiveness in light of not knowing who it is.
 

for_his_glory

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I really can not find any scripture directly for that other than what Mark 11:24,26 says. IMO I think it would not matter who it was, but that your wife has confessed to it and she is the one you need to forgive and sit with to work things out in your marriage. It would bother a person to not know, but the important thing is to move past it and get on with your life.
 
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I can understand how someone who is jealous would want to know who the man was that seduced his wife away from him. It's comparative characteristics between the husband the wife was honor bound to and the other man. When a woman has an affair she's having an affair with someone who is not her husband. In every way not just the obvious. I'd want to know who it is so that the forgiveness could cover both persons. My wife and her lover.

Also, I would say that a man can forgive his adulterous wife and still feel he cannot trust her anymore. Because when he trusted her that first time she betrayed that trust and gave herself to someone not him. And that is key. Someone not the husband she knew intimately and for years.

I would also say, it is of course selfish to have an affair. Rather than work out whatever it was that caused that breach in the relationship so as to cause one partner to seek what they felt was missing in some other person. That's hard to stomach. Especially for some men. No slight to any such man it simply hurts deeply to be betrayed out of left field.

Forgiveness is not for the sake of your wife.

It is for your sake.
If you can release all those emotions you feel toward her and the other man and that betrayal of trust. If you can realize it wasn't your fault that she strayed. It was her responsibility. She could have as easily sat down with you and talked about what she was missing in the relationship. But she didn't. She found another man instead.

Our responsibility as husbands, and our fault when our wife has an affair, is something a deep discussion with our wife will reveal. Relationship in marriage is a two way street. A give and take. When we said, "I do." to our spouse in making that marriage covenant we replaced the primacy of thinking in self-ish terms of "I" and "me", with the marriage covenant identity that is "us" and "we".

Your wife and that other man betrayed you. Even if he didn't know you existed. You need to heal yourself and this break that came between you and your wife. Ask her who he was. Do what you need to do to get past this.
Sometimes it takes separation. Living apart. Because having an affair is indicative of that cheating spouse wanting that very thing. To not be with their spouse in marriage. So they seek to go outside the marriage and live as if they were single.

Maybe time apart will allow you both to realize what you mean to each other. Or, maybe God will deliver unto you both the message that the two of you are not meant to be. Sometimes, a woman has an affair with a man who is everything she wants in her husband but that isn't actually there.
Communication is the number one factor for success in any relationship. Lack of communication is the number one factor that insures relation-ship fails.
 
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