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I"m labeled as "Schizophrenic" in my community. I don't...know what to make of it, honestly. The Lord has made and is making good it, thankfully. Because my parents are now "well-to-do," that gray area between the middle class and the upper class...basically, they're important enough for me to having breathing room, now that we've reconciled and things are going OK. They're not quite important enough for people to respect me or...anything...but, hey; this is 100x better than where I was before, trust me.


so, I was out shopping for groceries today and...it went OK. I know, this isn't a blog, but at times...grocery shopping, anything, was painful. its hard to be an outcast, its hard to be an outcast who is also prone to paranoia...its hard to be in the crowd when I feel that people know details about my life before that maybe I don't even know (involuntary electroshock...blah...wiped out tons of memories...).

But today, it was a-OK, mostly. I think people expect me to know my place, but it doesn't seem to be --everyone--. While I went to pay for gas (I always pre-pay, in cash), some dude said "there goes a hundred dollars," I guess referring to my clothes or shoes or...I don't know. I'm not dressed up or anything, just...much, much more well-dressed than when I was living in poverty or on the edge of poverty. So...God is good! My parents are kind! But people? "they ain't no good"

that stuff largely rolls off me these days...what gets me isn't that people can be bullies, its the sense of anger and resentment, its this awareness that God's work in my life...runs against "the way the world works." I'm thankful, of course, I just don't want anything to happen to me, that's all.

OK. By God's grace, life--this time around, my real life, life in Christ--goes on, day by day. I also have more energy these days, so I've taken to keeping a -remarkably- clean living area. That's one thing...the sheer exhaustion of having been very sick, then sickly, then patched up, then better but not really...has been taken from me, Praise God!

thanks for reading, y'all. :)
 
OK. God is a God of -order- NOT confusion...

"Schizophrenia," when it rears its ugly head, can be thought of as a state of utter and complete confusion, along with disintegration. blah. tranquilizers help, to a point, but...seriously, I don't want to be on a tranquilizer indefinitely. too many long term adverse effects to consider. and...

"..spirit of POWER, spirit of LOVE, and the spirit of a SOUND MIND..."

applies to all Christians, me included, Praise God!


Michael74...thanks for ministering to me, and thanksx2 for using Scripture in the process.
 
me, again. my parents are so good to me. i saw them today, for several hours. i heard voices during some of our interactions, and...

i was very sick and very miserable for a while there, but that's no reason--in Christ--to keep reliving things like this. but i don't know how to make it stop. the counselor's answer is to take the tranquilizer. OK, i do. now they say "you have severe depression, why aren't you on an antidepressant?," unless its the last shrink, who said "No antidepressants...you have severe bipolar I..."

not that its all doom and gloom. i Just...don't want to be haunted by voices, I really don't. and there's a real limit to how many psych drugs I'm willing to consume daily. and I don't think psychiatry is scientific. its like...the emotional equivalent of pain management, I guess...on a good day. thing is...

the bulk of my pain is in the past now, thanks to Christ. I'm even physically healthy. no, i dont work, but...I kinda think I"m better off on disability than anything else I can think of, honestly. Its not laziness, I don't even know if its really "severe mental illness," its more like...

not everybody can keep up. I never could, not really. hi stress, competitive stuff....never could cut it, nope. im no longer a weakling--blessing!--but I am -34-, so I'm kinda wondering...

what if I just don't need a j-o-b, and in an era when so many people are working more and more for less and less and...yeah...be thankful for what I do have, basically.


What do y'all think?
 
thanks. I'm only on 1. They insist on prescribing 2, down from 3. I don't know...these clinics seem to load people up. So...I'm trying to only take 1, the tranquilizer. But this one seems to have lots of adverse effects, too.
 
thanks!

I've been doing this vitamin thing....Orthomolecular, the version for "the schizophrenias." it was invented in the 50s...by a canadian shrink, LOL. thing is....its usually done -with- conventional psych drugs. your link seems to be more about non-toxic stuff -instead- of psych drugs, which....is right up my alley.


thanks again.
 
and now....

i think im tired of the clinic, too. wanna know why "mental patients" have rough lives? a lot of it is the people who are "treating" us/them. true story.

they're nicer to me now, because my parents have some $$$ and they're clearly supporting me, but its mostly...the same song and dance. this place doesn't even do group therapy or anything, its mostly prescribing meds and a lil bit of talk/counseling.

thing is...

even the better --data-- shows that the psych drugs just aren't that great. i wanted to believe, I really did...I wanted to believe that w/ some faith, with the vitamins, with support, the psych drugs would do wonders for me, but...

-sigh- i got some benefit, but it seems to be wearing down. i hear voices with or without the tranquilizer, I just don't react as much with the tranquilizer. that's sad. plus...


long term, it seems that psych drugs can create what they're designed to suppress. so, for me...taking antipsychotic/tranquilizer stuff...long term, the brain can change in ways that make hallucinations worse and harder to deal with. i don't want that, i don't need that....

i'll pray some more for ways out of the clinic, maybe into a j-o-b. thing is...i don't think i want to "recover" on "the experts' " terms, if you get what I'm saying.

ok. thanks for the prayers. herbs are something i honestly know very little about...ive been all about some vitamins for years. i am healthy, but my mind needs some help to not loop and replay stuff, and i don't think the fancy new tranquilizers are much better than the old ones...so, yeah. thanks. i'll read up on herbals.

:)
 
Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:14-16 KJV
 
I"m labeled as "Schizophrenic" in my community. I don't...know what to make of it, honestly. The Lord has made and is making good it, thankfully. Because my parents are now "well-to-do," that gray area between the middle class and the upper class...basically, they're important enough for me to having breathing room, now that we've reconciled and things are going OK. They're not quite important enough for people to respect me or...anything...but, hey; this is 100x better than where I was before, trust me.


so, I was out shopping for groceries today and...it went OK. I know, this isn't a blog, but at times...grocery shopping, anything, was painful. its hard to be an outcast, its hard to be an outcast who is also prone to paranoia...its hard to be in the crowd when I feel that people know details about my life before that maybe I don't even know (involuntary electroshock...blah...wiped out tons of memories...).

But today, it was a-OK, mostly. I think people expect me to know my place, but it doesn't seem to be --everyone--. While I went to pay for gas (I always pre-pay, in cash), some dude said "there goes a hundred dollars," I guess referring to my clothes or shoes or...I don't know. I'm not dressed up or anything, just...much, much more well-dressed than when I was living in poverty or on the edge of poverty. So...God is good! My parents are kind! But people? "they ain't no good"

that stuff largely rolls off me these days...what gets me isn't that people can be bullies, its the sense of anger and resentment, its this awareness that God's work in my life...runs against "the way the world works." I'm thankful, of course, I just don't want anything to happen to me, that's all.

OK. By God's grace, life--this time around, my real life, life in Christ--goes on, day by day. I also have more energy these days, so I've taken to keeping a -remarkably- clean living area. That's one thing...the sheer exhaustion of having been very sick, then sickly, then patched up, then better but not really...has been taken from me, Praise God!

thanks for reading, y'all. :)
We all live like this CE.
Experience by experience...
Day by day...
And some days are better than others...
All are not good...
All are not bad...

Praises be to God for it all till our time comes to meet Him face to face and every day will be a good day !
 
hey, wondering...

thanks :) i don't know..I'm tired of mental health, inc. I'd like to just live and if I can work, work...if really cannot, then just continue not working, maybe take up volunteer work. thing is...

-sigh- I used to think I did better on the (Moderate dose) tranquilizer than off. now....I'm not so sure. they block dopamine, all of them. blocking dopamine can make people more apathetic, calmer, less agitated....

it also can cause symptoms of drug-induced Parkinsons, plus depression, lack of concentration ability, etc. so...

i think i want my dopamine back, thanks. it doesn't help that the original antipsychotic, Thorazine, was referred to in the 50s medical literature as a "chemical substitute for lobotomy." the only difference between the older antipsychotics and the new ones is that the new ones supposedly aren't as rough on people...but even that might not hold true...

blah blah blah. pill talk, shrink talk...that's the old life, before Christ. im kinda thinking I Just want...to live, volunteer, write some...maybe see one day about publishing or self-publishing....

but i dunno. I pray for His --perfect will-- for my life. :)

thanks.
 
yes....must do...something. i think living at home all those years...i got into the habit of doing very close to nothing. now...

i can do more, thanks to Christ. :)
 
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