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[__ Praise __] getting better...

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yeah...i think the writing will be easier. i just need writing software. and then...i dunno...get out more...easier said than done, clearly. :-(
 

Tessa

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I don't use software. I just get my paper and pen and write away, then I type it out onto a CD and print it from that. I can't do it at the moment because I have wrecked my laptop and printer.
 
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ok. i really am "getting better..."

by God's grace. :) my whole life I think I live in a fairy land. I don't know how it happened, but...yeah. and I went thru some nightmare-ish stuff, but...God spared me! Now...

I'm healthy! I'm bright eyed! I even have a place more or less of my own! I mean...my parents own it, which is actually ideal...they've got an investment property, I've got a home, life is good...God is good! :)

but...people ain't no good. I guess its human nature, to tear people down...then kick people while they're down. Plus, its --America--, in the 21st century, so...of course, there was that time my angry ex-shrinks tried to send me to prison. at least in the legal system, one can get a lawyer, one has certain rights that are to be protected....

cannot say that about psych hospitals, outpatient clinics, etc. :-(

rambling. its a tad after 4 AM here, i'm caffeine-ated and...i feelz like typin', lol.

i don't know...God is good, definitely. I've been spared -so- much, especially since I came to know Christ, nearly 6 years ago. And...I've been made increasingly whole and also Real, as in...this is, more and more, what Jesus looks like thru me....and who I really am, in Christ Jesus. Both are true, both are important.

so...yeah. its not quite 4.30 here, and I'm actually...chipper, happy, settling down and perking up and enjoying the place, giving thanks to God and other Christians, and...

yeah. yeah. I don't think I really want a job, though. is that lazy? 17-25 was a total waste...I started out short, sickly, weak and ended up a barely patched up burn out. "Youth is wasted on the young." maybe my life in Christ just won't involve paid employment? could be worse. it seems that a lot of people are destroyed by their jobs, their careers, their lifestyles. At least in Christ I'm spared a life of "quiet desperation" and also the --pressure-- of the working world in 21st century America. some people cannot keep up with the rat race, for whatever reasons.


time for another cup of coffee. thanks for your prayers and support, everyone. :)
 

Tessa

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I believe we are all meant to be at certain places at particular times. Then it is our choice what we do with the situation. God has definitely been leading you CE. Just follow what He leads you to do. Fantastic to hear you so happy.
 
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hey, tessa.

:) you're so kind. i think the clinic people want to "humble" me again. people are obsessed with bringing me down a couple notches. before Jesus saved (is saving, will save...) me, I think it was because my parents were working class, then middle middle class, I was bright ad flamboyantly gay, then sick and...


yeah. oh, and i was homely. now...

im surprisingly pretty in the face, healthy, my parents are more on the upper end of things (not rich, not middle class), im not flamboyantly gay, and...

I've heard people say that I "don't know my PLACE IN SOCIETY!," etc. thing is..

the jobs person mentioned (again) janitorial stuff at a local college. I got to thinking...

they really are trying to bring me low again, aren't they? dad did janitor stuff when he took a year out of college, and he said its horrible. i don't think clinics are about helping, i think...

its not just me, its about the social order. most of the state hospital is shut down, i dont have private insurance for the expensive private hospitals, and i already got off probation. this is a sly, subtle way of bringing me down again, because...this time around...The Lord has brought me out of the miry clay...

and a lot of that mess was created by the mental health people! blah. :-(

venting. i think i want out of the clinic, for real...I just dont want any more of their "help," and I'm pretty sure I can go to a family doctor and get on a lower dose of my stuff, anyway. its been real...its been fun....it aint been real fun.

:)
 

Tessa

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Have you thought of going to a family doctor just to talk about it and ask him/her thoughts on it? Would you have to pay for a family doctor? And would it alter your benefits if you left the clinic?
 
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hi, again :)

i rather like my counselor at the clinic. He's a Christian--masters of divinity and everything--but its a state clinic, so they have --definite-- limits on what he can and cannot discuss, even if I open the door to it and give it the a-OK. whatevs...

im apparently going into see their nurse practitioner. i mean, no big thing...im kinda curious as to what she's like, etc., but...maybe i would be better off with a family doctor? medicaid will cover family doctor visits completely (within reason...I don't know what the limits are, never hit them...), and most clinic visits are covered, too (again: limits...), so I don't think it makes a big difference, either way. the disabilty people do review cases periodically, so it might make sense to stay at the clinic because a family doctor might not want to deal with paper work...but i don't know...


anyway, im settling in at the condo. towards the end of living at the apt., even before we started looking at place to buy, i started feeling...very uneasy, not sleeping well or enough. it got intense, actually. now...the condo is a blessing, on so many levels. so far, the neighborhood is just...-people-, you know? no rough and shady characters, no pretentious people, just...people. but this is only what, 2 months in?


i slept well. i often sleep in phases...up at 2.30, 3...back down till 8 or so. not ideal, but when you add it all up, i ended up with 8ish hours, sometimes less, sometimes more.

ok. by God's grace, I -am- getting a whole, whole lot better. thanks for the prayers and support, y'all. :)
 
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yeah, that crossed my mind, too. thanks for the uplifting insight, btw. :)

i think id rather go to a nurse practitioner than a shrink, anyway. more informal, casual, just stay steady on the same stuff...

i should probably fess up to going off the Lamictal. its this seizure drug that's also used in Bipolar I, especially when there's recurrent bouts of bad depression. it was OK and all, but I got these weird fears that I'd end up with liver damage and such...

:-( ugh. to be fair, though, the seizure drugs in general are a mixed bag, for me. not as mind numbing as the antispychotics, but my goodness....when the last shrink took me off the one, Trileptal (its "off label," now generic...its used if you cannot or will not take depakote...), my "depression" got better almost instantly and my concentration improved, too. I honestly think it was to keep me from getting angry and such, and now I don't seem to have "anger management' probs so much as...

I have the moods and I get the 'noia. so...yeah. rambling...

thanks for the prayers and replies. :)
 
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me, yet again. LOL. saw mama today. I thought it was kosher to drive, cuz there aren't any active weather warnings. she was kind when i got over to her place, but apparently...everything is going to freeze over tonight, so i Made it a quick visit.

-sigh- i have so much to be thankful for, I really do. I see from how mama and dad treat me, its more than just obligation or parental duty...there's hope for me, in and because of Christ. God is good! :)

I got some food to take home, including some fancy style sugar cookies. LOL. Seriously, though, I'm thankful, I really am.

getting better...and I Have appointments at the clinic coming up quite soon, so...I"ll see how those go. :)
 
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good point, Tessa...hope -is- a gift. :) seriously. that's something for me to remember and reflect upon.

The Lord has changed me, tremendously. Its a tad after 9 AM and I'm already running a load of dishes in the dishwasher and picking up around the condo. I took a picture off the "patio" (it was turned into a room...I guess you call it a "sun room," but that sounds really pretentious...) for mama. Fog off the lake...--nice--.

I don't have fake friends or...wow, any friends locally, actually. But I have Christians here who pray and care, I have my parents (VERY important), I have Verna, I have Jesus (most important...), and...and...

blah. this mental health stuff is probably just something I have to contend with, for now. I'm blessed that SSI money goes to my dad for my upkeep and then I have medical coverage. I mean that, I mean...now, my parents have more $$$ and all, but it helps, tremendously, plus...

I don't think I want the job they're offering...janitor (part time) at a local university. low wage, low status, unfulfilling work and...I don't think I'd even be good at it. I did janitorial-type stuff at the Pentecostal place and...it gets old, fast...people get demanding...it gets alienating, honestly.

OK. Thanks. :)
 
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me again. the front desk lady was kinda snarky, but my counselor himself was awesome (saw him today). And...

some of the "problems" i have are part of my mind being restored ("recovery," to use mental health speak), things like questioning things and seeing nuances again. not actually problems...good, good things...just...not always easy to handle. and...

my parents are doing quite well. I'm blessed to have them. i put them thru -so- much and now...they're there for me, in huge ways. God is good!

As for the Mental Health stuff...I don't know...I think because of the nature of the situation (diagnosed with "severe personality disorder," then "schizophrenia...." was it a misdiagnosis to start with? who decides? etc. etc. etc.), stuff like this happens. mental health people don't like it when one questions their authority. that's true of all of them, from the counselors on up to the psychiatrists. its...stoopid, really.

I hope the nurse practitioner lady is kind to me. I think maybe it'll go over better than my time with psychiatrists...they're a mixed bunch, honestly.

ok. i -am- getting better. im amazed at God's goodness. there's miracles happening, by His grace, every.single.day and those on the broad road mostly ignore it or come up with some semi-plausible worldly explanation. it is what it is...
 
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me, yet again. thanks for the prayers+replies.

new lady at clinic...nurse practitioner. kind of stand offish, etc., but...as mental health people go, professional and on top of her stuff. i asked how low i can go with the Abilify, she said potentially to 0. It was like an early Christmas present, LOL.

see, once one has been on a tranquilizer, its hard to just stop. the brain adjusts to psych drugs. but then...the long term data I've read shows that staying on antipsychotics creates its own set of problems. so...she said she'll supervise a slow and steady taper, but I'll have to see her more frequently than I would otherwise. yes! prayers being answered! I just think...of all the psych drugs, the tranquilizers are some of the most toxic, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm having probs from mine (restless stuff, lower mood, impaired concentration, some weight gain, etc.), which...is not being paranoid, because it lines up with the available data. so...

there you go. I'm guessing from how she spoke to me and stuff that my diagnosis really is Bipolar I. Not ideal, but...beats the stigma that goes with the Schizo-spectrum of diagnoses. Also...clearly, if my diagnosis was on the Schizo-spectrum, she wouldn't be so a-OK with dosage reduction or full on discontinuation, so there you go.

when I was given the shock treatments and whatever else at the 2nd and last hospital, the diagnosis was some sort of relatively "Mild schizophrenia" (I didn't know that existed, LOL), plus Bipolar I...together at last. now, it seems I'm down to Bipolar I (officially), so...that's a huge step forward, maybe even a leap forward, because...

to me, its sort of like a grudging acknowledgement that I've been brought a long, long way. I know its Christ, of course...the "professionals" prefer to think in terms of "successful treatment," "correct diagnosis," etc. blah.

the natural approach is definitely worth looking at. I've been doing the vitamin things for 8 years now, but I can always add herbals to it, and it might actually be a good time to start, because tapering antipsychotics brings with it a set of problems, such as agitation, anxiety, now and then tics...ugh.

thanks, y'all. :)
 

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