Handling a a smart, manipulative, strong willed child

[Danus]

Smart, manipulative, strong willed....and Dramatic...That's my youngest. ;)

I could use some advice. Need to know some thoughts from others.

My youngest is 8...almost 9. Today my wife and I discovered that she has an "F" in English! All because she failed to turn in two assignments that we know she did, and she's been slipping on some class room stuff.

This is unlike her. She's an honor roll student on the principle's list and English is her best subject, but lately she been irresponsible. Not just that, she has been talking her way around things. She has a gift of manipulation.

When we get one her about something, she seems to convince us that she understands and that it won't be an issue from now on. She even repeats back much of what we say and words it in her own words to let us know she is in full agreement with whatever it is we are punishing her for or concerned with.

Until today

She's been planning to attend a slumber party. Not just any slumber party, but the slumber party to end all slumber parties.

It's being held at a nice hotel in a suite, and she's been working to get on the list for some time now. The girls mother and sister are chaperoning it. All is fine and secure, and a good time is to be had trashing the room, swimming, makeovers, movies, pizza, cake, candy and surgery drinks will be the agenda for the night in a two room suite with living room and kitchen to sprawl out in.

Well, guess who's not going? Her mother and I just sprang the news, and she is devastated.

I gave the speech and brought the hammer down on the sentience. Mom backed me up and explained that irresponsible people loose freedoms and privileges in life to learn a lesson. We where told that the only lesson being learned here is how much we hate her.

We assured her that we do in fact love her, and that until she brings that unexceptionable grade up she's losing the I-touch, her social calendar is locked, no games, and no TV. She's under house arrest.

She immediately tried to talk around it. I'll do anything, Please, Please!! Just let me go to this party I've been planning it for a long time. Please!! ...No

And so that's it.

Part of me feels like a jerk. She is now trying to butter up mom and she gives me the evil eye. What she does not know is it was actually moms idea. I tried to gain her some leniency, but mostly because I'm a sucker. However, I am supporting mom. she makes a good point. We can't give in because this is finally getting through to her that we are not to be played.

Part of me feels bad for her, but I can see where she's been given too much rope to hang herself. Too hash? Stick to it? This is a real hard punishment she is enduring. Other sentience's she's done with no problems. This one is tough for her. This one says we are serious.

Thoughts, questions?

 

[handy]

STICK

TO

YOUR

GUNS!!!!!

I guarantee you that this will not be the last time things like this is going to come up. If you cave now and let her go to this party, you are so going to be behind the game the next go round.

If it helps, we have done exactly as you for the same reasons.... anything below a C and the kids are "unplugged" and no parties/dances/etc. until the grade is brought back up.

Believe me, trust me on this Dano... the irresponsible behavior only gets worse before it gets better....

 

[Danus]

:waving....thank you Handy! I needed that.

Right after I lowered the hammer I felt so bad I tried to talk my wife into letting her just show up for cake and she said NO!

I just needed some extra backing. The sentence came from her, I was the administer of it. Last night when we put her to bed, I stood outside her door while mom was in there, and she said; "Momma, you'd be the best mom in the whole world if you would just let me go to this."....so My wife says; "well I do want to be the best mom in the whole world, and that's why your not going."

So, tonight it's just me and my youngest. My wife took our oldest to St Louis for the weekend. We are going to have pizza and movie and then she's off to bed. So far she's been very complacent. She seems to almost appreciate her punishment. In any case she's been very humble and respectful this evening. I told her to hit the showers and get into PJ's....no problems, no drama, and she finished her make up work for that class a few minutes ago.

Whheeewww....;)

 

[handy]

no problems, no drama, and she finished her make up work for that class a few minutes ago.

Whheeewww....;)


Enjoy it while it lasts...

 

[Mike]

Danus,

If this isn't a specific reason God designed the family unit with a mother and father, it's definitely a side-benefit. Parenting children is hard, and the good news is parenting your girls into the teen years will keep you humble. ;) I've never met a parent of a teen arrogantly say, "I've got this all under control".

Having male and female parents, as God intends there to be, means that we have the opportunity to discuss such dilemmas from the perspective of a mother and that of a father. I find Julie and I are able to eliminate the extremes of under-punishing and over-punishing when we discuss it before lowering the boom. Sometimes she's the heavy, and sometimes I am. If I start out to be the "bad cop", I usually understand better that I was making more of it than it should have been.

But the big bonus is when one of us feels like backing down from a punishment and the other one keeps us strong. It's no good when we've discussed something, agreed to the discipline, and one person gives in. It diminishes the other parent's authority, and it teaches the child how, and who to go to, to get what they want in the end. Why am I the first parent in the history of the entire universe to express this wisdom? Because I am brilliant!!!

I applaud your wife for staying strong in the face of her crumbling, weak-willed, shell-of-a-man husband! Actually, I do give her kudos for holding her ground, and for the conversation she had with your daughter as she was going to bed. I never believed it when I was her age, and I can't convince our children now, but we are trying to do what's best for them.

 

[Danus]

...all very true Mike.

My wife and I often see how important our partnership is in raising children, and how our love for God centered in that partnership allows us to take on the responsibly.

I may come home sometimes and my wife will tell me one of them is grounded and here is why. I will then back her up in a private discussion I have with the offending one. She will do the same when need be, but since she is around them more this is how it usually works with us.

When it comes to the big issues, we always discuss our game plan first, and then we administer the punishment as a team. That's what we did in this case.

My wife called me at work to tell me about it. We briefly discussed how it would "go down" and then we executed the plan....sort of like how a SWAT team meets first to discuss how they might serve a warrant or something. We even discussed how she would react, and dealt with the other child about how she needed to not react towards her sister. You know the oldest often tries to partner with us when it comes to punishing the younger one.

In any case I do have this down. My arrogance is just my confidence and supper dad abilities showing. Nothing get's by me...nothing. These girls don't know what they are in for. I am armed and dangerous. ....this is my game face. ...behind it I need all the help and support I can get.