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Have You Committed a Silly Mistakes Before?
- Thread starter sesantek
- Start date
If you really want to help your friend thinking adultery is a silly mistake is not the place to start.
There is much to be considered...
Does she know
Should he tell her ( not always)
Where is the other woman ( does she live close by)
Was he lying to to the other woman also?
length of marriage
age of children
there is not one answer fits all
There is much to be considered...
Does she know
Should he tell her ( not always)
Where is the other woman ( does she live close by)
Was he lying to to the other woman also?
length of marriage
age of children
there is not one answer fits all
thethinkingrebel
Member
Okay, sin is not an either-or thing. If one has so much as looked at another woman lustfully has committed adultery. If one has lied, it is as bad as adultery.
So dont try to treat the symptom, simply make him aware he is a sinner who needs Jesus. Point out that you once were the same as he (trust me you were, as are we all).Obviously if you are even able to counsel him, the Lord has opened his heart and mind to what you have to say. Give your testimony, discuss with him the issues at hand, pray, fast..and give it time.
Hope I have helped.
You by the way, can only be there for him, make sure he is taking responsibilty for his actions.
sesantek
Member
Thanks for this comment. I believe my friend needs to rededicate his life to Jesus and and also confess to his wife. This moment of Easter is just very perfect dor this.
Danus
Member
No not necessarily.
Telling his wife is not confessing, it's dumping a very hurtful thing on the one he should love and be taking care of. It's not necessarily a good or right thing to do. It's his sin, not hers.
Seeker
Member
This is truly excellent advice. Especially *stop* before you/he tell her - and think. Answer the above questions. Is it not sometimes a sin to open a sin up to the world? This is not a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship where one cheats, the relationship ends and moves on. The poor wife will be absolutely crushed... Her life will collapse. Deal gingerly with the situation.
Amen very well said
sesantek
Member
But can he truly relate with his wife with a clear conscience he has not confessed his sins to her?
Agreed God has forgiving him and his relationship with God is back on track but what about his relationship with his wife?
handy
Member
He needs to confess his sins to God.
...as for his wife...
Here's the thing Sesantek...if this is a one time deal... if he is never, ever, going to do this horrible thing (not a silly mistake by any means) again... then there really is no reason to overturn his wife's world over it.
However, if he thinks in terms of "getting by with it so why not do it again"... then he should tell her, so she can decide if she wants to remain married to an adulterer or not.
It sounds as if this was a one time deal and that he is working to get himself right before God...and that's where it should end.
If Steve ever done something like this... once and genuinely repentant before God... I really would so much rather never, ever, know. The hit my love and respect for him would just be overwhelming.
Look at it this way... He asks God for forgiveness, then dumps this whole sordid mess in her lap. Forcing her to have to deal with the hurt, the loss, the anger...
Why should she have to go through all that... she wasn't the one who did anything wrong?
As his friend, you should counsel your friend to confess to God and then go home and do as God commanded: LOVE HIS WIFE AND RECOGNIZE THAT HIS BODY IS HERS AND HERS ALONE!!!!!!
...as for his wife...
Here's the thing Sesantek...if this is a one time deal... if he is never, ever, going to do this horrible thing (not a silly mistake by any means) again... then there really is no reason to overturn his wife's world over it.
However, if he thinks in terms of "getting by with it so why not do it again"... then he should tell her, so she can decide if she wants to remain married to an adulterer or not.
It sounds as if this was a one time deal and that he is working to get himself right before God...and that's where it should end.
If Steve ever done something like this... once and genuinely repentant before God... I really would so much rather never, ever, know. The hit my love and respect for him would just be overwhelming.
Look at it this way... He asks God for forgiveness, then dumps this whole sordid mess in her lap. Forcing her to have to deal with the hurt, the loss, the anger...
Why should she have to go through all that... she wasn't the one who did anything wrong?
As his friend, you should counsel your friend to confess to God and then go home and do as God commanded: LOVE HIS WIFE AND RECOGNIZE THAT HIS BODY IS HERS AND HERS ALONE!!!!!!
sesantek
Member
Thanks for your comments. But what about a situation where an unwanted pregnancy comes up as a result of the act. OR if a third party informs the wife in the future.
handy
Member
If the other woman is pregnant, then yes, the wife must know....because now her home's resources will be tapped to help raise the child.
This should only be brought up though if the man is positive the baby is his.
As for the myriad of "what ifs" as in the case of what if some busybody gossip tells the wife instead of the husband...
I remember a situation like this coming up here on this board before. If I remember correctly someone suggested that the husband write out a letter to his wife...and in the letter explain the reason why he didn't tell her was because he wanted to spare her the pain...that it was a one time deal and he was very repentant, but didn't want to drag her into the mess, as he was determined that it would never happen again. It would need to be a love letter... and need to be carefully hidden away, to be brought out only if someone does tell the wife.
Why? Is the other woman or someone else threatening to tell the wife?
Editing to add that the prior advice to someone in a similar situation wasn't to write a letter, but confide in one's pastor, or spiritual adviser. This way, if some gossip does tell the husband and pastor can assure the wife that his reasons for not saying anything prior was to spare her the pain, anger, humiliation and all the other rotten things a woman goes through when her man cheats on her.
This should only be brought up though if the man is positive the baby is his.
As for the myriad of "what ifs" as in the case of what if some busybody gossip tells the wife instead of the husband...
I remember a situation like this coming up here on this board before. If I remember correctly someone suggested that the husband write out a letter to his wife...and in the letter explain the reason why he didn't tell her was because he wanted to spare her the pain...that it was a one time deal and he was very repentant, but didn't want to drag her into the mess, as he was determined that it would never happen again. It would need to be a love letter... and need to be carefully hidden away, to be brought out only if someone does tell the wife.
Why? Is the other woman or someone else threatening to tell the wife?
Editing to add that the prior advice to someone in a similar situation wasn't to write a letter, but confide in one's pastor, or spiritual adviser. This way, if some gossip does tell the husband and pastor can assure the wife that his reasons for not saying anything prior was to spare her the pain, anger, humiliation and all the other rotten things a woman goes through when her man cheats on her.
sesantek
Member
Handy, thanks for that again. I think he has to accept Gods forgiveness completely and just as you said, confide in his pastor or a trusted church elder. Thanks.
Danus
Member
Well, she is not the keeper of his conscience. She is the recipient of his love and trust. His crime, if you will, is against the God and the covenant of marriage. God controls that.
I've kept these types of secretes for two men I know. It's not easy, especially when I know their wives and families, but a man needs to be right with God first, always. He can never do right by others unless he is first right with God.
JennyThatcher123
Member
I for one think it a mistake not to tell his wife. that said it should not go like " hey I cheated, pass the bread".
not trying to be flippant here follow this. they have problems, not just based on what you stated but why would he do it. something led to that. truth is he may not even know what it is. they should sit down with a Christian based third party and talk though this. again adultery starts before it happens, and I not talking about looking at someone else ( though that is an issue), I am talking about getting to root of what the issue is. you want to help, help him to start to think about that.
and for the record she is likely to find out, there is a good chance she feels it already and can't put her finger on it. To Be Sure, she will be hurt, but she will be way more hurt if and when she finds out down the road.
for what it worth he should get tested, that is likely to come up to.
-----and yes I have silly things, the other day I cut some off on the road because I was not paying attention. I felt bad because when he pointed it out I knew without doubt I at fault...... Just sayin.
not trying to be flippant here follow this. they have problems, not just based on what you stated but why would he do it. something led to that. truth is he may not even know what it is. they should sit down with a Christian based third party and talk though this. again adultery starts before it happens, and I not talking about looking at someone else ( though that is an issue), I am talking about getting to root of what the issue is. you want to help, help him to start to think about that.
and for the record she is likely to find out, there is a good chance she feels it already and can't put her finger on it. To Be Sure, she will be hurt, but she will be way more hurt if and when she finds out down the road.
for what it worth he should get tested, that is likely to come up to.
-----and yes I have silly things, the other day I cut some off on the road because I was not paying attention. I felt bad because when he pointed it out I knew without doubt I at fault...... Just sayin.