Now that you have received all the huggin's and lovein's from our kind brother's in Christ, they are true gentlemen, I'm feeling that maybe I will step in as another woman and address you woman to woman.Yes, I understand what you are saying. Thank you for the encouragement, Justin.
I guess the reason I struggle so much with not being good enough is because I have had so much time to get better! It has been over 30 years since I first believed and when I look back on my life so far, I don't see an ever-increasing closeness to God. Rather, there have been a lot of "backslidings" - many cycles of trying to follow Jesus, then quitting and going my own way. I'm currently in a "trying to follow Jesus phase", but who knows how long it will last this time.
My background which I do not share easily and will not expound on is this...
Saved, born again in 1977. Walked away from God 1982. Returned to Him January of 2010. Received the gospel of grace in July 2010. Some very bad things happened from 1975 through 1982 and I could no longer bare it. I was not repentent so I thought that my life was over. Life is not life without Jesus and I believed that He would no longer accept me, I had broken the "no divorce" rule. Pastor says, "If you do this you will have to face the consequences of this sin." Me, "If that's your loving God I don't want Him." The End.
What I learned was that all those yrs. that I wallow around with the pigs I was just feeling sorry for myself (like Cain, God in all His loving grace says to Cain, "why has your countenance fallen?" Instead of talking to God he wallows around in anger and self-pity and goes out and kills his brother thus killing himself.)
I guess what I am hearing from you is self-pity, self-centeredness and thus self-righteousness. Self-righteousness isn't just thinking we are so good it's also putting self first. Wallowing around listening to satan the accuser and making excuses for bad behavior.
In love I say to you, "Get off the fence sister and stop with the crap." You will be so happy when you do. There is joy, peace, and rest in the Lord. Start praying for other people, start worshipping God for who He is and what He has done. Get out of self, Stop listening to satan. You will be amazed at what happens in your spirit.
If you will PM me your mailing address I will send you some material that will help you break the bondage of the prison you have allowed satan to put you in. Break free to service God and receive His love for you. As always ask the Holy Spirit to teach you all things. When you hear something taught by man search the Word and ask the Holy Spirit to give you understanding. He will because God says that He will. Peace and Love in Christ, Deborah