I Am At My Breaking Point- Can God Give You More Than You Can Handle? Because I am there!

[Rajesh Sahu]

Man, where do I even begin?! I remember, clearly, when God first entered my life at twenty-five (or the moment I was cognitively aware that He was there), and I felt a supernatural peace, along with an unspeakable joy. But, the fight begins. I gave up everything for God (television, drugs, basically the world), and devoted myself to the teachings of Christ as revealed through scripture (probably in a more legalistic way), and then I stumbled, and stumbled some more, until I found myself staying on the ground after a bad fall. It seems Christianity became almost a burden since I had so many things wrong with me, and I could not control the sin within, especially my thoughts. I watched my mom die of cancer, my wife miscarried in her first pregnancy after fifteen years of marriage, I lost my job and CANNOT find another one because I am a violent crime felon, now my wife and I have been homeless for over a year, living in tents in the woods, sleeping in the cold, rain, and sweltering heat, surrounded by darkness and addicts. I feel like it is one thing after another and it is not letting up, especially since our puppy died recently of heat exhaustion when we were walking from Arkansas to Ohio, yes, that's right, walking. I am forty years old, my health is failing, and I am SO STRESSED OUT from my mental illness (bipolar), which I cannot control, and appears to be getting worse with age. All I want is that peace again. Is it all the bad decisions I have made in my past that has cursed me to this miserable existence? Am I being punished, even tortured, by God? Do I need to go through this as a purging, to prepare me for the kingdom? I could not get the thought of killing myself out of my head just days ago, and I don't want to be consumed by those negative thoughts, but it is part of my illness, and I do not understand why God does not heal me, knowing what it does to myself, and others. I'm passed the end of my rope, and I have cried out to God so many times, but my situation is only worsening. It is hard to focus on a God that seems to have turned His back upon me, like a wayward Israelite from the Old Testament. All of this is too much for me to handle. I am lost, and do not know how to come back from this!

Dear MD, it breaks my heart to read what you n your wife are going through. It strongly reminds me of the story of Job. He let Job get MORE than he could handle, until Job lashed out.
Job 9:22-24

22 It is all one; therefore I say,
he destroys both the blameless and the wicked.
23 When disaster brings sudden death,
he mocks at the calamity of the innocent.
24 The earth is given into the hand of the wicked;
he covers the eyes of its judges—
if it is not he, who then is it?

Friend MD unfortunately the world is infected with sin and so fallen. Satan is the ruler of this son ridden doomed cursed world , which will face Gods harsh judgment. one prayer never fails. Never . If you believe what I say do, what Hezekiah did. He wept bitterly. God can see everything but cannot see His children weep bitterly. So do it brother and you will see a miracle happening. It's a great mystery. But it works. I seldom use it. I use it as a last resort. it never fails.
2 Kings 20
Hezekiah’s Illness
20 In those days Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, “This is what the Lord says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover.”

2 Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, 3 “Remember, Lord, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

4 Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the Lord came to him: 5 “Go back and tell Hezekiah, the ruler of my people, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the Lord. 6 I will add fifteen years to your life. And I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria. I will defend this city for my sake and for the sake of my servant David.’”

 

[gralanlinae]

We are spiritually dead when we enter the world, and our broken self has set in its ways. I liken this to our being a bunch of nuts, and God knows what it takes to break us without smashing the precious new self inside. Only those who are chosen of God are his children, born of God and not by human will, ethnicity, nor desire. We all must undergo being broken by God, for in ourselves we are not yet in the image of His Son, our Master Jesus the Christ.
I'm glad you continue pressing forward, and that you are bearing your love for your wife on stronger shoulders.
Peace to you. If we do not meet in this life, we will meet truly on the other side of the mystery.
your fellow suffering servant,
gregory