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Impotence....

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Grace Alone

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Hi, I'm new to this forum and hoping to get some advice and support from anyone who's expereinced any of this in their marriage.....

I am newly married (just over two months) and everything is going really well so far, except that my husband is struggling with impotence. Though we are trying to not let it effect the rest of our relationship, it is sometimes a source of great stress and frustration. We are learning how to talk about it and God is drawing us closer together and closer to him through this struggle. He is going to the doctor next week.

At first it was devastating, and It took me quite a few weeks to get over the many negative thoughts and feelings that bombarded me. Even though he assured me that he couldn't be attracted to anyone more than me and told me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, I still felt inadequate and rejected. It was, and still is, difficult for me to understand how we can love each other so much, yet he rarely has a physical response to that love, but I am learning how to not take it personally. I know all these negative feelings in me are Satan's attempt to get a grasp on our relationship and try to twist our marriage. I don't want to become angry and feel sorry for myself and make him feel guilty. I know it's not his fault and I don't want him to feel like it is.

We are learning how to talk openly about all this, and it has helped. We understand each other better now, and are able to tell each other what we need. We've been praying about it together for the last few weeks and that has made a huge difference in how we feel about things. I feel more at peace now - well, usually. I still feel frustrated, and a little scared. I become afraid over the uncertainty of things. It's hard not to wonder and question if this will always be an issue, and if so, how we will deal with it. I know we haven't been married very long and things will get better. I just don't want this to become a source of problems if it is an ongoing thing. We can deal with it right now, but what about a year from now, or ten years.....

I don't know if there is anyone here who has had to deal with this, but I'd appreciate feedback from anyone who would be willing to share. Thanks for listening!
 
First of all, I'm not a doctor - but I am fairly knowledgable in biology and psychology (sadly, I have not stayed at a Holiday Inn Express).

Impotence can have many different causes, but least of those is a person's lack of desire for sexual intimacy with a partner. Rest assured, your husband is telling you the truth. So what does cause impotence? Well, it is most likely a biologicaly problem that your husband is experiencing. It is hard for me to narrow down the possibilities since I don't know age and history, but it is very possible that you husband has all of the feelings associated with arousal, but for whatever reason, the specific part of the body is not responding to that arousal.

It is also possible that your husband may have a psychological problem. This especially true if the he was ever molested or sexually abused. It could also be true if he is extremely shy. The sad thing is that many people do not remember having been molested or abused because they block out those memories - only during a similar action does the brain allow those hurtful times to be recalled.

But don't have any feelings of abandon or unappeal - this is something that can be fixed and has nothing to do with you. And remember that the two of you need to talk candidly about this issue... it's likely that he is very embarrassed about the situation too.

BL
 
Thank you for your encouragement. I do believe that his problem is psychological. For one thing, he told me that before we were married, he would become very aroused when we were just kissing. But for some reason now that we are able to share ourselves in this way, some sort of fear, or something, is hindering him. Unless he is unaware of it, he has not been molested, or anything in his past. He is however, rather shy, but not with me. I feel we have a very comfortable and trusting relationship. He tells me he feels secure in my love for him. Before he was saved he looked at a lot of pornography, but God has freed him from that and it has been about 5 years since he has had any problems with it. I know a lot of men struggle with it throughout their lives, even after coming to God, and I am thankful that he is no longer burdened by it. I thought though, that maybe it has had an effect on our relationship. He feels such disgust for pornography, and having associated that with sex in the past, perhaps he has somehow disconnected from his sexuality. Does that sound viable, and if so, do you think we should see a counselor about that issue? I brought it up to him, and he thought it could be a possible cause, but that's as far as that discussion went. By the way, we are both 26, if that helps.

I had a couple other thoughts, but I am going to be late for work, if I don't get going! Thanks again.
 
Well, at 26 I would certainly think about psychological disorders more than I would biological ones. You could pretty much dismiss any biological factors if he has been able to achieve physical arousal in the past.

I don't think pornography would have had anything to do with it. We have all seen the naked body and unless he is equating sex with sin, I don't think that could be the answer. I think it may have something to do with marriage and/or a previous negative experience.

But I think it can safely be assumed that it has nothing to do with his desire for you. And it sounds very much treatable.

BL
 
Regarding the pornography - I guess I wasn't very articulate - what you said is what I meant...that sex has become equated on some level with sin, or at least guilt. Couldn't his struggle in the past with porn be considered a "previous negative experience?" He has such disgust and contempt for pornography now. It's just a thought. He says he doesn't feel guilt over it because he knows God has forgiven him, so maybe that doesn't have anything to do with it. I don't know.

I am completely secure in his love for me. I trust him totally. I know that he feels the same way about me. In my early twenties, during a time of rebellion, I had a relationship that involved sex. Even though he has forgiven me for this and we have decided it is not going to be an issue in our relationship, could that cause enough insecurity in him to trigger impotency? The thought of that is painful to me. He has never brought it up again, never thrown in in my face, nothing, so I don't know if he ever thinks about that.

It is hard not to keep thinking and wondering and trying to solve things in my head. He and I will continue to talk together about this, and perhaps we will be able to find some negative experience in his past that is the trigger to all this.
 
I hate to say it, but yeah, previous sexual relationships can definitely have a psychological effect on a partner.

I can't really say what it is, but you need to carefully continue to talk to him about it. Make sure that you don't do very much talking, though. Ask open-ended questions and then listen. In psychology, this is called "taking out the garbage," and is one of the best ways to uncover what is going on - it's also what psychiatrists get paid $80 an hour to do.

But be very careful... very, very careful. Talking about past sexual relationships can be extremely painful, especially for men who haven't had sex previously. And again, I don't know how much to stress that you need to be careful when you talk about that subject.

Mmmph, that's tough. It may turn out that you two have to talk about that subject and I know from observing that it is very, very hard and can take a long time to work out. Make sure that this is the problem though before bringing it up overtly - you don't want to introduce new pain for sure.

God bless,

BL
 
Yes, I don't want to bring that issue up, unless it seems truly necessary. We agreed to put it behind us, and I don't want to go back on that until I can see a little more clearly about this situation.

The thing I thought about now is that the impotence didn't come out of nowhere. I mean, he did have some concern before we were married that it could be a problem, though he unfortunately didn't share it with me at that time. So, I'm not saying that sexual history is irrelevant, it could be playing a part, but I don't think it could be the source.
 
1. It is very common for men to not be able to have the same excitement immediately after marriage that they had before marriage. The lure of the forbidden is gone.

2. When a man has used masterbation to release sexual tension for a long period of time he has established fantasy as the trigger for his arousal. Continuing masterbation only makes the problem worse. Bringing role playing into the bed simply substitutes the location and receptacle. The best solution is the most difficult. Stop masterbating, focus on the wife as the focal point for arousal, utilize whatever methods are within propriety for the marriage bed, and allow the mind to heal.

Also I'd advise you to not make your husband stay with you in the delivery room when you have children. Women like this, but fail to understand that to a man, seeing the object of his sexual desire (the vagina) in such a way does some serious damage to his libido. Most men can adjust, but it is still difficult, and if your husband is already having troubles with sexual focus, it wouldn't be a good idea to put it to that kind of test.
 
1. If he was having problems before (and I'm assuming that's based on masturbating problems), then I wouldn't think it has anything to do with past sexual histories.

2. If he is still masturbating then he absolutely needs to stop because he is releasing his sexual drive, sperm count, etc. That's a problem when he doesn't have enough of a drive to achieve climax during intercourse. But I would think that at 26, he would have to be doing that at least four times a day to manage to lower it that far...

3. Hadn't heard that about the delivery room before. That's interesting, but I'm not sure whether or not it would be true for all men or not.

BL
 
Jack, what you say makes sense. Do you think a main problem could just be that he has trained his body to respond to certain stimuli and therefore he sometimes has a difficult time with me because it is different? I know it's not all as simple as that.
 
Grace Alone said:
Jack, what you say makes sense. Do you think a main problem could just be that he has trained his body to respond to certain stimuli and therefore he sometimes has a difficult time with me because it is different?

He's trained his mind to respond to certain stimuli (fantasy). Sex is about 90% in the mind.

Grace Alone said:
I know it's not all as simple as that.

Guys like a challenge, and to a lot of guys, when they're just married, the challenge of sex (whether they've been permiscuous or not) is gone. That's because a lot of married women don't work at making it a challenge. Make yourself look sexy and act sexy, but make him work for it. Say no in that "maybe" kind of way. Let him proceed reluctantly, but let him proceed. Make yourself a prize worth working for and a challenge worth the venture. Always try your best to be as sexy as appropritate when he sees you. Clothes and makeup are nice, but body langiuage, word choice, even a level of propriety goes a long way.

Now a days women want their husbands to be the kind of friends their female friends are, which produces a level of familiarity that really is inapropriate for a marriage relationship. You want him to be romantic; he wants you to be sexy. Sexy is the whole show, not just a few hours at night. A long passionate kiss losses it's apeal if you were to interupt it with a loud belch. Being sloppy and too casual around him has the same effect, in the end.

Be a mystery that begs to be solved. Be a trophy he'll want to display. Be the fish he'd spend all day trying to catch. Give him the gift of a worthy challenge. You did it while dating. Now's not the time to stop.

Grace Alone said:
Do you both suggest then that I broach the subject even though I don't know for certain? If so, how?

More than likely you'll just annoy him and make him lie to you. Do a lot of praying for him, and try to remember all the things you did when you were trying to make him get interested in you, and do all those again. Praying is not a copout. It really works.
 
Well, let's just wait until you get word from the doctor about what he thinks... then we'll have a little more information to go on. And hopefully, the doctor will diagnose it easily and treat it even more easily.

:)

BL
 
Thank you for the advice! I will do what you say about making it a challenge. You know, because of this problem I have made myself really available to him because I didn't want him to be intimidated, since he already has anxiety about it. I've wanted him to know that I'm willing whenever he wants to in order to take some of the pressure off. Maybe I have made our relationship too comfortable and familiar, as you say. I'll try your advice and see how it goes.

Sometimes he seems so non-superficial to the point that he doesn't even care what I look like. I know that is not true and I always strive to make myself look good. I mean, he notices me and often tell me I'm beautiful, but it could be Saturday morning wearing jeans and a baggy sweater with no make-up when he says it. Same goes for at night - it doesn't seem to matter to him whether I'm wearing big pajamas to bed or something sexy. Sometimes I start feeling silly wearing the sexy stuff because it doesn't seem to make a difference to him. I'm sure he likes it, but he never says anything about it, never acts any different - maybe it's just because he's shy and doesn't know what to say. Anyway....I don't know where all that came from. Sorry I ramble so much!
 
The key is to use passive methods. You make the dish look and smell good enough, you won't need to say, "Isn't this good?" You just need to put it down and let those cartoon smoke fingers reach out and drag him to it.

Body language is as sexy as what you wear (much more in some cases). Be feminine. Do everything with as much feminine grace as you can. Most women these days don't even know how to get in and out of a car correctly. The feminine way is to get out by pivoting and putting both feet out, then give a little bounce and stand up. Getting in, you keep your legs together and sit down with your feet out, then put twisting at the knees you put your feet in and turn. Little things like that add up and create an overall image that grabs a guy.
 
My husband does the same. He'll tell me I'm beautiful at times when I look HORRIBLE! I have blonde hair, therfore have blonde eyelashes and blonde eyebrows. I look NASTY without at least mascara on! He'll tell me I'm pretty and I'm like "WHATEVER!...Ewwww! Liar!". :lol:

Or else I'll tell him he's just trying to get some.

I feel uncomfortable when he gives nice comments on my apperance. I guess that means I'm not completly comfortable with myself. I don't know. :-?
 
Sometimes what looks nice to a guy may not be what the girl thinks looks nice. Like I said, body language plays an important role. It may be sloppy clothes, but maybe the fit really wel in his view or you just happened to be moving the right way and that caught his eye. Unless he's just trying to make you happy, he most liekly means it.
 
Impotence...Update

Just an update on the impotence situation with me and my hubby.......

We have been spending a lot of time in prayer and discussion, and God has been faithful. Over the last few weeks God has drawn us closer together in so many ways through this issue. And now, for the last week, we have had no problems at all! This is amazing since up until last Monday we only had success once every two weeks, if that. I think we've doubled our success rate in one week's time! :biggrin

A week ago Saturday we went through a very emotional time together where we both just let go and cried long and hard together. I don't know if that release is what has helped him so much. Since our marriage two months ago, he has been learning how to become more vulnerable. Every week I see him opening himself up to me more and more, and reaching out to me more and more. He has always been a rather private person, and perhaps he has just needed this period of time to learn how to relate to me in such an intimate way. I don't know if this issue is over with us, or if it will be an on and off struggle, but I praise God for what He is doing in our marriage.

He sees the doctor this afternoon, so we'll see what he says.

Thanks again for all the advice!
 
Jack Lewis said:
The key is to use passive methods. You make the dish look and smell good enough, you won't need to say, "Isn't this good?" You just need to put it down and let those cartoon smoke fingers reach out and drag him to it.

Body language is as sexy as what you wear (much more in some cases). Be feminine. Do everything with as much feminine grace as you can. Most women these days don't even know how to get in and out of a car correctly. The feminine way is to get out by pivoting and putting both feet out, then give a little bounce and stand up. Getting in, you keep your legs together and sit down with your feet out, then put twisting at the knees you put your feet in and turn. Little things like that add up and create an overall image that grabs a guy.
Ok, so this is getting a bit off topic, but do ya got anymore little hints like that? "Feminine" is one thing I've never really been...and grace? hehe, I'm about as graceful as a bull in a china shop :lol:

Seriously, tho....got more tips? (can't believe I'm seeking "how to be a woman advice" from a guy...lol)
 
Personally, getting in and out of a car isn't particularly "attractive" to me any way that you do it. But when my fiancé gives me a peck on the cheek for no particular reason... now that is attractive!

BL
 
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