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Marriage Without Intimacy

WIP

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This post is going to be probably the most difficult personal expression I have ever made in my life. James 5:16 says, "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed." Well, I'm about to confess my sins to you.

Word of warning: This is very personal and revealing and I am stepping out of my comfort zone to even talk about it but I am looking for some Christian insight.

I will have been married for 25 years the end of this month. My wife and I have two adult daughters. When our second daughter was about two years old, around 1998, for some reason unknown to me, my wife quite suddenly stopped all intimacy between us including all touching, hugging, kissing, sexual activity, etc.

I initially noticed it when I’d try to initiate things in the bedroom and at first I just figured she wasn’t in the mood. At the time, she was trying to get a new business going, which naturally required a lot of her time and energy so it was understandable. But as time went on, I also recognized that she seemed to be growing farther away in all areas of affection and this began to weigh heavy on me.

I do know of one fellow that she seemed to have a lot of interest in and looking back I am convinced, although without proof, that she may have been more involved with him than she led on or I realized. I say this because there were things that were done by both her and him that aroused my suspicions but I was never able to validate them. I did bring my fears up to her and she denied them. But, I also noticed that soon after I brought it up things changed and she no longer seemed to have the same relationship with him anymore. So, I figure either she backed off for my sake or she felt guilty and put a stop to things. At any rate until now when I sat down to put my feelings in writing, I had all but forgot about it.

I tried many various approaches such as giving her some space, trying to avoid sex temporarily, and letting her take a break from intimacy, trying to be more attentive outside the bedroom, adding more touching and hugging etc. during the day (I’m not a very touchy-feely type of person so this was not easy for me), and even in the bedroom just trying to cuddle with her without trying to initiate sex but all my efforts were met with rejection. One time when she responded with, “We’re married now, we don’t need to do this.” Those words cut me right through my heart.

As it continued I began to react with various emotions – frustration, rejection, anger, fear, self-pity, and even questioning her faithfulness to me. Eventually, in order to stop the fight that was brewing and save our marriage, I gave up trying and our relationship became not one of a married couple but more like roommates and has continued to this day. We live together, we get along okay….now, we share expenses, and so forth but we are not intimate with each other. I have actually come to the point where I'm not sure I even desire her anymore and that scares the whatever out of me.

This is where things really get personal and revealing. I am a normal human male with human desires living with a woman that I love but not allowed to express my love for her as I need. As a result, I began to feel I had no alternative but to turn toward pornography to at least satisfy my physical frustrations. It was either that or step outside our marriage. In retrospect I know it is the same result. This leaves me embarrassed, upset, and disgusted with myself for I know it is sinful and wrong.

Even at nearly 60 years old, I am not dead and I still have those same desires I had when I was 20. Like most anyone else I enjoy looking at, being with, and interacting with women. I am a little clumsy around women due to a lack of self-esteem that I have developed but I still enjoy women’s company just the same.

The problem is, the pornography and masturbation is only a very short-lived physical release of frustration and doesn’t even come remotely close to fulfilling the needs that I truly have. Fact is, afterwards I feel so disgusted with myself that it takes away any perceived gain and I feel even worse. I have let myself down, I have let my wife down, and I have let God down.

I find myself longing more and more for a close intimate relationship with a woman and I am fearful that I may no longer be able to resist an opportunity should it present itself. This has been going on for 20 years but it has taken until now for me to muster to courage to even talk about it on a somewhat anonymous website forum. I look back on my life now and I feel like I missed out on living and it was all a waste. I feel rejected, miserable, lost, trapped, angry, afraid, sad, frustrated,….well, I think I’ve made my point.

Through all of this I have undoubtedly become addicted to pornography and need to deal with that but I also have to deal with the rest of this as they are liked together and I know I can’t change her. There are times when I now question my love for my wife. I realize this is harsh but we have lived apart in the same home for so long, I wonder if I would even miss her if she wasn't here. I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like myself for what I do and have done, and I don’t like where things are but have no clue how to change the situation.

When we were married I made a vow before God and committed it for life and divorce is not an option.

I am appealing to you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask for your forgiveness.
 

jasonc

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This post is going to be probably the most difficult personal expression I have ever made in my life. James 5:16 says, "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed." Well, I'm about to confess my sins to you.

Word of warning: This is very personal and revealing and I am stepping out of my comfort zone to even talk about it but I am looking for some Christian insight.

I will have been married for 25 years the end of this month. My wife and I have two adult daughters. When our second daughter was about two years old, around 1998, for some reason unknown to me, my wife quite suddenly stopped all intimacy between us including all touching, hugging, kissing, sexual activity, etc.

I initially noticed it when I’d try to initiate things in the bedroom and at first I just figured she wasn’t in the mood. At the time, she was trying to get a new business going, which naturally required a lot of her time and energy so it was understandable. But as time went on, I also recognized that she seemed to be growing farther away in all areas of affection and this began to weigh heavy on me.

I do know of one fellow that she seemed to have a lot of interest in and looking back I am convinced, although without proof, that she may have been more involved with him than she led on or I realized. I say this because there were things that were done by both her and him that aroused my suspicions but I was never able to validate them. I did bring my fears up to her and she denied them. But, I also noticed that soon after I brought it up things changed and she no longer seemed to have the same relationship with him anymore. So, I figure either she backed off for my sake or she felt guilty and put a stop to things. At any rate until now when I sat down to put my feelings in writing, I had all but forgot about it.

I tried many various approaches such as giving her some space, trying to avoid sex temporarily, and letting her take a break from intimacy, trying to be more attentive outside the bedroom, adding more touching and hugging etc. during the day (I’m not a very touchy-feely type of person so this was not easy for me), and even in the bedroom just trying to cuddle with her without trying to initiate sex but all my efforts were met with rejection. One time when she responded with, “We’re married now, we don’t need to do this.” Those words cut me right through my heart.

As it continued I began to react with various emotions – frustration, rejection, anger, fear, self-pity, and even questioning her faithfulness to me. Eventually, in order to stop the fight that was brewing and save our marriage, I gave up trying and our relationship became not one of a married couple but more like roommates and has continued to this day. We live together, we get along okay….now, we share expenses, and so forth but we are not intimate with each other. I have actually come to the point where I'm not sure I even desire her anymore and that scares the whatever out of me.

This is where things really get personal and revealing. I am a normal human male with human desires living with a woman that I love but not allowed to express my love for her as I need. As a result, I began to feel I had no alternative but to turn toward pornography to at least satisfy my physical frustrations. It was either that or step outside our marriage. In retrospect I know it is the same result. This leaves me embarrassed, upset, and disgusted with myself for I know it is sinful and wrong.

Even at nearly 60 years old, I am not dead and I still have those same desires I had when I was 20. Like most anyone else I enjoy looking at, being with, and interacting with women. I am a little clumsy around women due to a lack of self-esteem that I have developed but I still enjoy women’s company just the same.

The problem is, the pornography and masturbation is only a very short-lived physical release of frustration and doesn’t even come remotely close to fulfilling the needs that I truly have. Fact is, afterwards I feel so disgusted with myself that it takes away any perceived gain and I feel even worse. I have let myself down, I have let my wife down, and I have let God down.

I find myself longing more and more for a close intimate relationship with a woman and I am fearful that I may no longer be able to resist an opportunity should it present itself. This has been going on for 20 years but it has taken until now for me to muster to courage to even talk about it on a somewhat anonymous website forum. I look back on my life now and I feel like I missed out on living and it was all a waste. I feel rejected, miserable, lost, trapped, angry, afraid, sad, frustrated,….well, I think I’ve made my point.

Through all of this I have undoubtedly become addicted to pornography and need to deal with that but I also have to deal with the rest of this as they are liked together and I know I can’t change her. There are times when I now question my love for my wife. I realize this is harsh but we have lived apart in the same home for so long, I wonder if I would even miss her if she wasn't here. I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like myself for what I do and have done, and I don’t like where things are but have no clue how to change the situation.

When we were married I made a vow before God and committed it for life and divorce is not an option.

I am appealing to you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask for your forgiveness.
This post is going to be probably the most difficult personal expression I have ever made in my life. James 5:16 says, "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed." Well, I'm about to confess my sins to you.

Word of warning: This is very personal and revealing and I am stepping out of my comfort zone to even talk about it but I am looking for some Christian insight.

I will have been married for 25 years the end of this month. My wife and I have two adult daughters. When our second daughter was about two years old, around 1998, for some reason unknown to me, my wife quite suddenly stopped all intimacy between us including all touching, hugging, kissing, sexual activity, etc.

I initially noticed it when I’d try to initiate things in the bedroom and at first I just figured she wasn’t in the mood. At the time, she was trying to get a new business going, which naturally required a lot of her time and energy so it was understandable. But as time went on, I also recognized that she seemed to be growing farther away in all areas of affection and this began to weigh heavy on me.

I do know of one fellow that she seemed to have a lot of interest in and looking back I am convinced, although without proof, that she may have been more involved with him than she led on or I realized. I say this because there were things that were done by both her and him that aroused my suspicions but I was never able to validate them. I did bring my fears up to her and she denied them. But, I also noticed that soon after I brought it up things changed and she no longer seemed to have the same relationship with him anymore. So, I figure either she backed off for my sake or she felt guilty and put a stop to things. At any rate until now when I sat down to put my feelings in writing, I had all but forgot about it.

I tried many various approaches such as giving her some space, trying to avoid sex temporarily, and letting her take a break from intimacy, trying to be more attentive outside the bedroom, adding more touching and hugging etc. during the day (I’m not a very touchy-feely type of person so this was not easy for me), and even in the bedroom just trying to cuddle with her without trying to initiate sex but all my efforts were met with rejection. One time when she responded with, “We’re married now, we don’t need to do this.” Those words cut me right through my heart.

As it continued I began to react with various emotions – frustration, rejection, anger, fear, self-pity, and even questioning her faithfulness to me. Eventually, in order to stop the fight that was brewing and save our marriage, I gave up trying and our relationship became not one of a married couple but more like roommates and has continued to this day. We live together, we get along okay….now, we share expenses, and so forth but we are not intimate with each other. I have actually come to the point where I'm not sure I even desire her anymore and that scares the whatever out of me.

This is where things really get personal and revealing. I am a normal human male with human desires living with a woman that I love but not allowed to express my love for her as I need. As a result, I began to feel I had no alternative but to turn toward pornography to at least satisfy my physical frustrations. It was either that or step outside our marriage. In retrospect I know it is the same result. This leaves me embarrassed, upset, and disgusted with myself for I know it is sinful and wrong.

Even at nearly 60 years old, I am not dead and I still have those same desires I had when I was 20. Like most anyone else I enjoy looking at, being with, and interacting with women. I am a little clumsy around women due to a lack of self-esteem that I have developed but I still enjoy women’s company just the same.

The problem is, the pornography and masturbation [/QUOTE ]

Best for men's group
 

WIP

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I posted this here because I feel it is important that I hear the female perspective. The issue with pornography raised its ugly head after the fact so I don't feel that to be the focus of my situation but rather one of the side effects. A nasty one nonetheless. Right now, I feel it is about saving my sanity and consequently, my marriage.
 

ezra

 
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you have my forgiveness those with out sin throw the first rock plus we are not to kick a brother while they are down. we are to help restore,,, offer a hand to pull them back up out of the miry clay . imo it is hard to help on the forum but not hard to pray and encourage . porn i so do hate that word .it is so easy to watch ..your a brave man posting this private issue . my hat is off to you. i would suggest christian counsel of some sort. as per the issue of your wife i cant touch that . she must come to grips with her actions .
i have a friend i work with that has no sexual relationship with his wife . they been to the pastor he seems to deal with it. but wants nothing to do with divorce , maybe the two of you can sort this out if she is willing .
no disrespect toward the ladies....but woman are hard to understand . i know a pastor after 4 kids his wife flipped and they soon split. the porn you can kick it does have a grip on a person. keep praying for help reach out for help .
i am not a fan of airing problems out in public. what did Jesus SAY COME UNTO ME . Hebrews let us APPROACH THE THRONE OF GRACE WITH BOLDNESS
seek Godly counsel asap hang in there. this probably aint much help
 

ezra

 
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I posted this here because I feel it is important that I hear the female perspective. The issue with pornography raised its ugly head after the fact so I don't feel that to be the focus of my situation but rather one of the side effects. A nasty one nonetheless. Right now, I feel it is about saving my sanity and consequently, my marriage.
who ever replies read this first
Galatians 6 King James Version (KJV)
6 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

3 For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.

4 But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.

5 For every man shall bear his own burden.

6 Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things.

7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.

9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

10 As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.
 

Tessa

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Hi WIP.
I'm not talking about any sin you may have. I want to talk about you and God because I know He loves you so much. I prayed before I started this post.
You made me cry. Why - because I felt your pain. What patience you have had , what love you have shown! I admire your courage in posting this and I hope you feel some relief for talking about it after all this time.
If you haven't done so already pour your heart out to the Lord.
I think Ezra's suggestion of talking to a pastor with your wife, or even without her, is a good way to go. If you feel you can do that.
God understands more than anyone but I know you already realise that.
And perhaps it is good women read your post so that they can realise what can happen.
Christian love to you and I will pray for both of you.
Tessa
 

WIP

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One thing I may not have been too clear about. I do not blame my wife. I just don't understand how or why we ever got into this situation to begin with. I've obviously got my own issues to deal with without a doubt and that is something I can work on.
 

Tessa

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You Didn't come across as blaming anyone WIP. I think after suffering for such a long time you need some help.
It's not just the physical side It's the emotional as well. The only thing I can think of is that perhaps you both get help to remember the person you both fell in love with, married and had children with. You are both still the same person despite what has happened. What would happen if you suggested that to your wife?
 

lisa-in-FL

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Hi WIP - I'm sorry to hear you are going through this and I agree with others that you need to keep taking this to Christ and maybe seek counseling from a trusted Pastor or Christian counselor. Maybe this is the first step toward healing though. Like you said this is a very personal thing and was difficult for you to share on this site. Maybe now that you've put it out there it will be easier to talk about it with your wife and a counselor.

As for a woman's perspective on what is going on here -
1) You could be right about her feelings for someone else even if it was an emotional affair but the bottom line is she hasn't left you so she's still choosing to be with you
2) A woman raising children and who is also working can just be worn down by stress and anxiety and that can affect hormones which could in turn kill any sex drive
3) I can't say I understand her "we're married now, we don't need to do this" logic because for most Christians, you get married in order to have a sexual relationship. Maybe she was trying to communicate that she's just tired and too comfortable with your relationship to feel anymore passion.

After so many years of this, it would be difficult to get back to where you were when you first met but if you are both willing to work on it and you rely on Christ, you can get there.

Quit the pornography, cold turkey.

If you and your wife are living like roommates now then start dating again. Bring her flowers and take her out to dinner. Buy her a gift just because. Just like when you are feeling spiritually dead and seeking revival, what do you do? Think on all the things God has provided you and be thankful and remember why you love God.
Remember why you love your wife and remind her that you love her and see where that takes you. Plant some love seeds. :)
Read Song of Solomon too. Great verses on love and relationships in that book. Chapter 1 verse 2 - Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.

"Baby, you're better than a cold beer any day of the week"

Praying for you, Brother!
 

ezra

 
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just a thought wip have you ever seen fireproof the movie
. they even have fire prof marriage builder study
 

lisa-in-FL

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I just thought of something and noticed that Tessa also mentioned this in one of her replies. Intimacy isn't just physical, its emotional too. You mentioned a lot about how you aren't physically intimate anymore, but what about the other side of the coin? Are you friends? Do you talk to each other every day? Do you care about each others lives and interests? Are you just living parallel lives? Do you trust each other? Do you pray together? Do you both still believe in Christ?
Find the foundation you share and start rebuilding.

Praying for you!
 

Edward

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I failed in my marriage, she divorced me after being together 26 years, so I doubt I'm the one to give advice in this area, but you're a Brother so I'll at least give my thoughts.
You said that you're not sure if you really want her anymore yourself, after all this...?
I bet she can pick up on that vibration from you. I think you need to decide, and then pursue a definite course rather than hang in limbo on it.

I agree with the others, lay this at Christ's feet in prayer...and expect it to take a bit of time to improve, but it can if you put your heart into it...to the Lord (and your Wife).
Pornography is a distraction from the Lord, Brother. Go into prayer when you feel the urge to look at pornography. I think its all you can do? I know one thing, that must've been hard to share this. I admire and respect how candid you are about this. That's what we're supposed to do, as Brothers and Sisters, confess our faults to one another. We all have problems, but you've stood up...and spoken. I will certainly join the others in prayer for you.
 
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hi. If this is out of line or if I'm not supposed to post here, feel free to delete. I just see this filed under Christian Talk+Advice.

i know that counseling and psychology are big in the modern church, and there are success stories now and then, but...if possible...I'd seriously recommend that you, perhaps you and your wife (if possible...) consult 1st with a pastor. I don't know how your extended family relationships are going, but maybe talk with someone outside of the mental health world you trust and can truly confide in, before resorting to "professional help."

thing is...when one seeks out "professional help," there's money involved, insurance coverage issues, etc. there's also very real power issues that can come into play, the use of labels and...

a lot of mental health stuff lacks quality, reliable data behind it. it gets worse when you branch out to the talking treatments, and when you start moving out into "problems in living," such as marital problems, vs psychosis, mania, etc. Not that I'm trying to minimize your problems, just...

1 therapist might blame you. another, your wife. labels, labels, labels...even if they don't share the labels with you and/or your wife, they may very well put DSM codes in the records, especially if insurance is involved. actually...when insurance is involved, DSM codes are almost always required. their primary function is actually billing.

as a single, celibate un-heterosexual dude, im not going to offer heavy duty marriage advice. as a "mental patient" in "recovery" as much from "treatment" as from any underlying "disorder..."

I try to warn as many Christians (in particular...) as I can about the wild world of Mental Health, Inc. people need people, no doubt. real friendships are hard to come by, real mentors are few and far between. Therapists aren't real friends, their conversations aren't even real...and a lot of people end up losing money, getting labeled, and losing things they hold dear.

so...yeah...im glad you came here to share your suffering. in some ways, to me, cfnet has been -better- than any church experiences I've had in that regard. true story. my only advice would be to seek The Lord as earnestly as you can...and...before you turn to -any- "professional" for "help" or "treatment," try turning to a quality pastor, even an older, wiser Christian you -know- you can trust.

and that is all. :)
 

ezra

 
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no easy fix in this but it is fixable has to be some open heart spiritual surgery first. in the movie fire prof the husband was at fault.put more time in firefighting they soon grew apart yes he watched porn also. after he watched his wife move on he got serious . i am no expert i offer no advice how to fix it.. but i have a good reference of some one who can. get those open communications going talk to her, but first talk to God about you .this is a huge battle with devil cheer leading it as a roaring lion---this part i know cause i battle him every day .walk through the house praying in every room. find you a war room start a strategy find Godly counsel maybe a total stranger.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise
Psalm 51:17
you on the right road
 
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Hi WIP. Thank you for having the courage to lay your heart out there for us to read. This is exactly what that scripture means about confess your sins to one another to heal. We don't heal when it's hidden in the dark. First off, you obviously know the pornography is not helping the situation whatsoever. It is working the opposite way for what you are really wanting, which is a partner for intimate reasons. Pornography just leads to frustration and unnatural expectations.

There is always a way to get back into an intimate relationship with your spouse (Unless there is literally a physical reason you can't). It sounds like you have resentment towards her at this point, but that would be a natural reaction to 20 years of this happening. It's cliche but hit the reset button on the intimacy with her. Forgive her for not living up to any sort of her end of the marriage sex bargain. It is an unwritten thing that when we say "I do", we still "do".

It sounds like you really just feel defeated at this point and don't even want to try to get something back with her in the bedroom. Hit the reset button on this and begin with baby steps again. Massages (everyone likes massages). I don't want you to feel defeated, cause it can turn around. Positivity breeds positivity. She has let you down big time in an important department, but that doesn't mean it's absolutely set in stone forever. I don't know, I hope it does get better for you.
 
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Luminous_Rose

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As a married woman, I have probably been like your wife at times. Of course, sex drives among males and females are not the same. This makes things a bit challenging as is.

My husband and I love each other and we struggle with finding time for intimacy. I am usually worn out with the kids and my husband is usually too tired from work. Sometimes when we have a few moments, I am not in the mood or he is not in the mood. We realize we need to make time and intimacy is healthy even. I know we have both deviated to the pornographic route separately in these times, not good. I have stopped watching again, but not sure for my husband. It is a destructive route.

Also, after my first child, which was a traumatic experience, I had bad pains for about a year and a half and intimacy was painful. I was also breastfeeding and was never in the mood. A couple years later we got back to things and we conceived baby number two. We can only guess how this goes...I am in the same boat yet again. It takes a while to heal. Sometimes I think we hold off because we are afraid of conceiving another child and fear we cannot afford another.

However, sex is a gift from God to married couples. I think today's society is good at making it all out to be a taboo, dirty thing, but a lot of society misuses God's gift. Intimacy is important, and I am sorry to hear you are hurting. I see your suspicions and hope you are able to work something out with your wife.

Have you tried marriage seminars? There are good marriage and intimacy devotionals on YouVersion maybe you two can read together. Pray together, and make sure you are both walking the path Jesus has for you together.

Think of something fun you both used to do and go do it together. For example, recreate your first date. Renewing your vows could be a fun thing. Go to your favorite ice cream shop. Take her out somewhere private, but relaxing to talk and hear her out. Make a time capsule that you both decide to open in the future whether it be 2 years or 10 years later. Put keepsakes like movie tickets and restaurant receipts from dates. Throw in some photos. Write love notes every anniversary if not more often and place them inside. Slip little love notes into her pocket or where she first looks of a morning.

My husband asked me once, "Do you love me?" I said, "Yes." And he said, "Do you like me?" I said, "Yes! Why do you ask?" He said, "Good. Sometimes people forget to like each other and only concentrate on loving each other." What he means is you and your wife are not only lovers, but best friends.

For the note, I have heard the "good roommate" line. Do not believe this lie. Both of you are more. Communicate deeply, talk about feelings, chat about God, ask her intriguing questions (boring questions deserve boring answers!), and make sure she feels appreciated. If women do not feel valued or do not feel appreciated, this can be why some women don't want to get too intimate.

Before you pick up pornography again, please hear out this woman, Shelley Lubben, who was a church goer, and became a porn star. She lets you know what exactly you are supporting. Her Christian testimony helped me quit and was a real eye opener:


Praying for you!
 
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WIP

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As a married woman, I have probably been like your wife at times. Of course, sex drives among males and females are not the same. This makes things a bit challenging as is.

My husband and I love each other and we struggle with finding time for intimacy. I am usually worn out with the kids and my husband is usually too tired from work. Sometimes when we have a few moments, I am not in the mood or he is not in the mood. We realize we need to make time and intimacy is healthy even. I know we have both deviated to the pornographic route separately in these times, not good. I have stopped watching again, but not sure for my husband. It is a destructive route.

Also, after my first child, which was a traumatic experience, I had bad pains for about a year and a half and intimacy was painful. I was also breastfeeding and was never in the mood. A couple years later we got back to things and we conceived baby number two. We can only guess how this goes...I am in the same boat yet again. It takes a while to heal. Sometimes I think we hold off because we are afraid of conceiving another child and fear we cannot afford another.

However, sex is a gift from God to married couples. I think today's society is good at making it all out to be a taboo, dirty thing, but a lot of society misuses God's gift. Intimacy is important, and I am sorry to hear you are hurting. I see your suspicions and hope you are able to work something out with your wife.

Have you tried marriage seminars? There are good marriage and intimacy devotionals on YouVersion maybe you two can read together. Pray together, and make sure you are both walking the path Jesus has for you together.

Think of something fun you both used to do and go do it together. For example, recreate your first date. Renewing your vows could be a fun thing. Go to your favorite ice cream shop. Take her out somewhere private, but relaxing to talk and hear her out. Make a time capsule that you both decide to open in the future whether it be 2 years or 10 years later. Put keepsakes like movie tickets and restaurant receipts from dates. Throw in some photos. Write love notes every anniversary if not more often and place them inside. Slip little love notes into her pocket or where she first looks of a morning.

My husband asked me once, "Do you love me?" I said, "Yes." And he said, "Do you like me?" I said, "Yes! Why do you ask?" He said, "Good. Sometimes people forget to like each other and only concentrate on loving each other." What he means is you and your wife are not only lovers, but best friends.

For the note, I have heard the "good roommate" line. Do not believe this lie. Both of you are more. Communicate deeply, talk about feelings, chat about God, ask her intriguing questions (boring questions deserve boring answers!), and make sure she feels appreciated. If women do not feel valued or do not feel appreciated, this can be why some women don't want to get too intimate.

Before you pick up pornography again, please hear out this woman, Shelley Lubben, who was a church goer, and became a porn star. She lets you know what exactly you are supporting. Her Christian testimony helped me quit and was a real eye opener:


Praying for you!
Thank you for this! Watching Shelley tell her story brought tears to my eyes. I so much wanted to be able reach out and just give her a hug. Very moving and enlightening.
 

Luminous_Rose

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Thank you for this! Watching Shelley tell her story brought tears to my eyes. I so much wanted to be able reach out and just give her a hug. Very moving and enlightening.
You're welcome =) today she helps others get out of that dangerous lifestyle and advocates against any legislation that would make prostitution 100% legal. God has definitely given her courage.
 

for_his_glory

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One time when she responded with, “We’re married now, we don’t need to do this.” Those words cut me right through my heart.
It does take courage to pour your heart out in something that is so intimate and in all you said shows that you want help and that you want your marriage to be what it needs to be for both of you. lisa-in-FL gave you a lot of good questions to consider in her post #11 and you should take your time thinking and giving an answer to each one. Not to us, but to yourself.

What caught my attention more than anything is the statement your wife made. Have you ever sat down with her and discussed it. I read an article on familydoctor.org about sexual dysfunction in women as I too have this. Men can also have this. The four kinds of disorders are desire orders, arousal disorder, orgasmic disorder and sexual pain disorder. Some things that cause this is certain medicines you take and also menopause that causes hormone changes in the body and vaginal dryness and even pain during sex due to a decrease in estrogen. Even stress of everyday life and sexual routine can play a part.

This may be something you and your wife need to talk about if this is the problem as there are ways of working this out that both of you can have better intimacy in your marriage.
 

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