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My marriage is failing

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I feel like my marriage is failing. My husband hates me. Everything I do annoys him. I have an 18 month old and a six year old. I feel like I can never get the house clean enough. He hates how I cook. I just feel so depressed about everything. I’m lonely and I have no one. I want to believe in god and have someone, but i have my doubts. I don’t know what to do.
 
I wonder if you could rewrite that. Because its hard for me to separate fact from feeling. Maybe your husband doesnt hate your cooking for instance.
I know when i am feeling depressed everyone and everything in my life feels dark , twisted and tainted.
Sounds like you deserve a break. Give yourself one.
 
I feel like my marriage is failing. My husband hates me. Everything I do annoys him. I have an 18 month old and a six year old. I feel like I can never get the house clean enough. He hates how I cook. I just feel so depressed about everything. I’m lonely and I have no one. I want to believe in god and have someone, but i have my doubts. I don’t know what to do.
I can feel your loneliness. You need peace and love. God can give you both. Give God a chance. You need friends too.
Are you able to sit and talk to your husband about the way you feel? He may not realize. What does he not like about your cooking? What do you feel about your cooking yourself? There is no reason to hate you because of your cooking and cleaning. If you find cooking difficult there is always cooking classes. It would be an opportunity to meet new friends too. But you might not need the lessons.
Whatever you decide to do you need to talk to each other, he needs to know how you feel.
God is there waiting for you to turn to Him. He loves you so just pour your heart out yo Him. Tell Him everything and ask Him to help you.
 
I feel like my marriage is failing. My husband hates me. Everything I do annoys him. I have an 18 month old and a six year old. I feel like I can never get the house clean enough. He hates how I cook. I just feel so depressed about everything. I’m lonely and I have no one. I want to believe in god and have someone, but i have my doubts. I don’t know what to do.

You know what, I feel like I am in the same boat (also two small children). If you ever need to talk, send me a message. Maybe we can encourage each other.

I know your depression is eating you. I feel that...lack of sleep, husband gets home from work and he just wants to rest, but mama has a harder time catching a break. The chores pile up...laundry...don't you just wash it and throw it in a basket that overflows over half of the bedroom floor? What's folding anyway? Dishes? The only motivator is the smell it causes.

The true trick is getting it done before it gets started. That's what I've been doing this past week. After one load of laundry is totally done, take 5-10 minutes and get it DONE! It makes thing so much easier, because when the clean laundry piles up, it will eventually become a few hour ordeal, which is not fun for anyone. Get the 6 year old to do something - learn to fold, fetch you hangers, put dish towels away, something. With dishes, after every meal or two or three (max), get them washed. I don't have a dishwasher so it's even harder, but if I don't let them pile up it helps. I feel a bit guilty buying paper plates to ease the burden, but it honestly does help a ton. Get parchment paper to line a pan or crockpot when appropriate to help cut down on cleanup.
Vacuum at the end of each week, or kindly ask your husband to do it if you feel he would gladly do so.

Never forget to pace yourself and rest when you need to. Sleep when the kids do...always. I know your 6 year old has probably kicked the naps, but maybe there is something she can do quietly in a safe area while you rest?

For depression like this...sunlight, plenty of water, a good diet, and sleep sleep sleep helps a ton! Have some "me" time in there somewhere if you can sit down for 5, 10, or 15 minutes and do something you enjoy. Maybe your husband would let you take a much needed break? Even escape to the bathroom for 10 minutes while he watches your kid and play some FarmVille on your phone - whatever it is. Your sanity is important for your family.

Do you know for sure if your husband hates you or why? Maybe try talking to him sometime after the kids are asleep for half an hour or so? Just you both and a cup of tea or hot chocolate or something you both enjoy. In my case, every time we sit down to talk, it ends up in arguing and he just ends up sooo defensive and bashes me...calls me a lazy mom and things like that. I end up crying, he stays mad, and it's no good for anybody. Hope we can work through things...

My husband had cooked with 4 and 5 star chefs in the past ...and little old me here learned a recipe or two from a girl's group or mom teaching me something here or there and not to mention a home ec and a cooking class. I can cook, but I mostly have the gift of not burning down the house lol. So I can make something decent. Most times my husband asks for the salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and hot sauce all before he takes a bite - it drives me crazy. He usually salts most dishes I make because it's "too bland"...or once in a while it's "too salty". If I think it tastes bad, I'm clearly not making anyone eat it...but it hurts when I make a meal and I get everyone at the table, hoping we all enjoy it and all he does is criticize. I knew that about him before I married him that he wasn't shy to tell people what he honestly thought about food, but it hurts at times. Because of all his criticisms, I feel it's never "good enough". He is a better cook than I am, and I learned a lot about cooking from him, but I feel a bit more kindness could be given because a lot of times I feel useless.

Just to cover the bases here, are you safe around him? If you're not safe, you need to be getting yourself and your kids somewhere away from him. If it's just one of those rough times in marriages, I suppose there's no shame in seeking help somewhere, or trying a few more attempts at a heart-to-heart talk with your husband.

I hope it all works out!
 
My husband had cooked with 4 and 5 star chefs in the past ...and little old me here learned a recipe or two from a girl's group or mom teaching me something here or there and not to mention a home ec and a cooking class. I can cook, but I mostly have the gift of not burning down the house lol. So I can make something decent. Most times my husband asks for the salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and hot sauce all before he takes a bite

How can a man have cooked and rubbed elbows with 4 & 5 star chefs and then be insensitive or ignorant enough to dump a bunch of salt or sauce all over the food before even tasting it? Not only is that dumb but it's insulting to the cook. Then he criticizes you instead of showing you some things? I'm sorry to hear that Sister.

A man who is a cook and wont help his wife to learn to cook what he likes is being short sighted.
 
Communication is one of the most important things in a marriage. I feel a physical and emotional strain in your life that is overwhelming you. Possibly with the house work, cooking and taking care of the children causing depression as you have no quality time for yourself. Not knowing you or your husband, as I don't think he hates you, but also possibly being overwhelmed by things you do not see as you both seem to be a young couple.

God is there with you and loves you very much even though you can not realize it right now, but the closer you get to Him the more you will learn of Him and develop a relationship with Him. The best advice I can give you as I have counseled a few couples in the past is to sit with your husband after the children have gone to bed and both of you air out those things that are annoying to each other and then both of you work on those areas in order to have a healthy loving marriage.

If you want to talk in private about this just send me a PM as everything will remain between you and me. You are in my prayers.
 
I feel like my marriage is failing. My husband hates me. Everything I do annoys him. I have an 18 month old and a six year old. I feel like I can never get the house clean enough. He hates how I cook. I just feel so depressed about everything. I’m lonely and I have no one. I want to believe in god and have someone, but i have my doubts. I don’t know what to do.

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

May I make a couple of suggestions.
Is there a mother and toddler group that meets in your neighbourhood, or a near by church with a Sunday school that you could go to for a chance to talk to other Mother's and get support, encouragement from them?

Do talk to your husband about how you are feeling, does he really hate your cooking or do you just! Think he does? If there is something wrong, is there something you can do about it?

Lastly you sound depressed, have you talked to your doctor, medication isn't the automatic answer, but if life seems impossible it can help.
 
The best book I've ever read about healing a marriage is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. His approach is very effective. I don't know if Hendricks is a Christian or not but I know he believes in saving and revitalizing relationships in a very loving way.
 
How can a man have cooked and rubbed elbows with 4 & 5 star chefs and then be insensitive or ignorant enough to dump a bunch of salt or sauce all over the food before even tasting it? Not only is that dumb but it's insulting to the cook. Then he criticizes you instead of showing you some things? I'm sorry to hear that Sister.

A man who is a cook and wont help his wife to learn to cook what he likes is being short sighted.


You got me...but if he goes to a restaurant, he always tastes the food before adding any extra condiments. Not to mention, if he was working in a kitchen he wouldn't be so stressed all the time. He was happier working in an Asian food joint than working regular old 9 to 5. I think he always expects my food to be bland because it's been that way I suppose a long time. It's true that I don't like overwhelming flavors and I like to taste the flavor of the dish itself with light seasonings. Some bolder flavors are great, but not all the time. I don't like some of the comments he makes because I like lighter flavors than he does like, "You just don't like flavor." or when him and his sister used to call me "blandito" ugh.

He has showed me how to cook and I have learned A LOT from him. I know a lot more about cooking now than when we first got married because he's shown me a lot of fun techniques, tips, and tricks in the kitchen. If I ask him how to make it better, he'll gladly say so and not in a rude way if I'm actually asking. Although, it drives me nuts when I'm in the kitchen cooking something, I walk over to the sink to wash my hands or something and he completely takes over. That drives me crazy lol xD he starts adding all this stuff. Lately he's been too stressed to do that, though, and maybe I've gotten onto him enough times and told him to tell me if he wants to make dinner before taking over my dish. Unless I failed my dish and it needs saving or I ask for help, I don't want him to touch it =P
 
I think I am depressed. I feel miserable and sad. My husband is obsessed with food. He watches cooking shows all the time. As a mother I really don’t have time to cook gourmet meals. He doesn’t eat anything I cook. My kids like it though. He complains all the time. Everything that goes wrong is my fault. I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I’ll sneak away and drink a beer. I know that’s really bad but it’s like my only way to cope.
 
I think I am depressed. I feel miserable and sad. My husband is obsessed with food. He watches cooking shows all the time. As a mother I really don’t have time to cook gourmet meals. He doesn’t eat anything I cook. My kids like it though. He complains all the time. Everything that goes wrong is my fault. I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I’ll sneak away and drink a beer. I know that’s really bad but it’s like my only way to cope.
Your situation is more common in reverse? The nagging wife and the "never good enough husband". Interesting. But I do feel sorry for you. And hope things get resolved. Is the thought of separation or divorce appealing? Inevitable? Terrifying?
Anyway better not to get obsessed with future. Maybe go and have a few beers with a friend?? But after that, face your emotions. Don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong. Just know you are human and you are ok. Nothing wrong with you. In God's eyes you are perfect. Even your husband can't see that. We are all ok in God's eyes. There is no need to second guess ourselves.
 
I am worried about your health. You need some support.
Your husband is being extremely selfish and it seems uncaring. He must be mafe to realize what he is doing to you and how you are feeling.
Are you able to talk to Him about it all?
Friends are important. Is there a church near you? The fact that you want to believe tells me God is reaching out yo you. He is a loving God..
If you feel very depressed you need to talk to someone who will listen properly, a vicar or a doctor?
Have you told your husband what he is doing to you?
Keep on posting here, we are here for you.
 
I think I am depressed. I feel miserable and sad. My husband is obsessed with food. He watches cooking shows all the time. As a mother I really don’t have time to cook gourmet meals. He doesn’t eat anything I cook. My kids like it though. He complains all the time. Everything that goes wrong is my fault. I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I’ll sneak away and drink a beer. I know that’s really bad but it’s like my only way to cope.

I really can't judge the situation not knowing anything about you and your husband, but you might want to think about getting some family counseling beginning with yourself and then adding your husband if he will go, especially if you are sneaking away to have a beer as that can become a crutch that will lead you down a bad path as I well know by my own past experience with alcohol . Not that there is anything wrong with taking a drink once in a while, but only if you are using it as a pacifier for your problems.

I notice you say you are not a Christian and I pray you hang around with us to help you learn what it means to be a Christian and having a loving personal relationship with Christ. Please feel free to ask questions and meanwhile it would also help you to start with the book of John in the Bible as this will help you learn who Jesus is and the love He has for you. You and your family are in my prayers and there is great power in prayer.
 
I think I am depressed. I feel miserable and sad. My husband is obsessed with food. He watches cooking shows all the time. As a mother I really don’t have time to cook gourmet meals. He doesn’t eat anything I cook. My kids like it though. He complains all the time. Everything that goes wrong is my fault. I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I’ll sneak away and drink a beer. I know that’s really bad but it’s like my only way to cope.


Reading through the comments, there is one thing no one has bothered to ask. Do you Love your husband?

Second, if you husband is obsessed with cooking shows, have you asked him to help cook with you? Does he like to cook?
 
I think I am depressed. I feel miserable and sad. My husband is obsessed with food. He watches cooking shows all the time. As a mother I really don’t have time to cook gourmet meals. He doesn’t eat anything I cook. My kids like it though. He complains all the time. Everything that goes wrong is my fault. I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I’ll sneak away and drink a beer. I know that’s really bad but it’s like my only way to cope.

Miserable and sad can be part of depression for some as well as lack of appetite, feelings of hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed, laughter feels painful, every day feels painful, avoiding others, etc. etc. it affects different people in different ways. It's a monster, really. Alcohol can make it worse as well and I'm worried about this one beer turning into an addiction as it is being used for a coping mechanism.

Of course we don't have time to cook gourmet meals. Sometimes I feel awful because my husband comes home and dinner isn't even started because stuff I've been dealing with with the kids. There are times I forget to throw something in the crockpot or thaw the chicken. He has blood sugar problems so he does need to eat and I feel like I have literally failed him and his health every time I do not have something made. It's awful. It's hard to sit around and make a meal close to perfect because it won't be...things happen...one of the kids dumps the salt into your perfectly good dish or adds a cup of water to your stir fry while you look away for two seconds or is throwing their favorite toy around the kitchen and crash lands into your taco meat...we have to do the best we can.

I am glad that the kids are enjoying home cooked meals that you make. Although, who knows how long it will stay like that if they notice dad protesting so much...if he doesn't eat what you cook, what does he eat? I remember my husband telling me about his abusive father - he would actually grab food outside of the house to eat on his way home to a family cooked dinner so sometimes he'd avoid everyone and say he wasn't hungry. Other times he would stuff his face with dinner even though he had already eaten. My husband would say it didn't matter if everyone else was starving, he would stuff his face first. Is he eating outside the home somewhere before he is coming to dinner?

Of course issues like this don't happen overnight...it has usually been months or years in the making. I'm not sure how easy he is to approach for a talk after the kids are in bed, but have you tried communicating with him and seeing if maybe he'll open up? It sounds odd he's not eating what you cook, complaining all the time, and blaming you or saying it's all your fault. It does sound like a form of verbal abuse, and I don't know your husband so I cannot be sure since I don't know all the specifics of course.

This type of stuff needs to get solved or it's going to continue to be a miserable type of thing for both of you. I know counseling is expensive and finding a Christian counselor can be like searching for unicorns depending on your area. It may or may not help, even if you attend by yourself to talk about issues. There are also those here who don't mind lending an ear. In person support (I know it's hard to have friends while being a mom) can make a big difference in such a situation as long as they don't overstep their bounds in your marriage.

Although, do you know why your husband complains or blames you? Is it something genuine or stupid stuff? It may help to ask about these things if he's not overly sensitive about it.

I know lately it's been hard for me to talk to my husband about serious stuff. Often times, I'm afraid to because I try and wait until he is feeling well to bring something up, but no joke - he's always ill in some way so it's impossible to bring up important topics when he's in a good mood. There are sensitive issues we do need to talk about, but he gets defensive with me and starts bashing my character - "You're just like your mom."; "You're lazy." ; "OH! Just like how you...don't get me started!" ; "So that's how you want to play it. How about the time you....?"

So, I haven't been able to bring stuff up at all. He says hurtful things, I end up crying myself in bed at night, and next morning he's all like, "I'm sorry. I love you." I feel so stupid that I forgive him so easily because I just know he's going to do it again...and again...and again...I don't even know what to say next time I get the chance to talk. It's hard for me to sit and talk about anything serious with him.

I'm sorry to hear things are difficult, and with God - here's to hoping they won't always be that way.
 
Usually a husband starts picking on his wife when he's either depressed or angry about something he's not telling you about. In my career as a marriage counselor I have known a lot of men who didn't like to talk about they were going through. He may not want you to know that he's depressed. He may also be testing you. He wants to make sure you really love him and will stand by him before he opens up. Sometimes a counselor can get someone to open up but you could also do this on your own. By setting aside some time to talk and listen. Picking on you is definitely just a symptom of the problem. I know you see it as a problem but it's really indicative of something deeper going on. If you can get to the heart of the matter then you have a chance.

I hope you do find God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. When you a Christian you tend not to worry as much because you have faith in God. I will never regret becoming a Christian and knowing that some powerful force has my back. You're not alone. God bless you
 
I feel like my marriage is failing. My husband hates me. Everything I do annoys him. I have an 18 month old and a six year old. I feel like I can never get the house clean enough. He hates how I cook. I just feel so depressed about everything. I’m lonely and I have no one. I want to believe in god and have someone, but i have my doubts. I don’t know what to do.
Take it on the chin, and keep pressing forward, be open and honest with him. Work on your cooking if you need to, you could simply question him when he says something upsetting. Like how you cook. I would not say he hates you because he is still married to you.
 
Leave him if he does not change. I wasted years trying to stand by my husband. He didn't want to change. He didn't want to stop hurting me. I think he enjoyed it. It's taken me my whole life understand that even if you are a Christian you have to move on. If not for yourself but for the sake of the children. To be the best person you can be you have to find the right partner. One who loves you and treats you well. You are not alone. Millions of women are suffering because they don't believe in divorce. They love too much. They stay too long. If you need support start a conversation with me and I will try to help This is just my opinion.
 
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