My marriage is on the rocks

[Praise Him]

Hallo brothers and sisters

I am married with 5 children but am so unhappy in marriage.

My husband seems disinterested in me. There has been no physical relationship for 6 years and he says that Christians shouldn't want physical relationships. He spends most of the evening on the computer not wanting anytime with me. He has never taken me out for a meal, a holiday or anywhere. Not that I should want earthly things, but sometimes it would be nice.

If I try to talk he gets very nasty and rips into me verbally leaving me upset and raw. He has also displayed aggression on a couple of occasions.

I am at the point where I don't want to pray that things get better. I think my heart is cold towards my husband because of all the hurt.

Despite all this I know the Lord is good and only wants what is best for His children.
I feel I may be given signs that I need to move on and get away with the children but don't want to act unless I'm sure its the Lord's will.

Some Godly advice would be very appreciated.

 

[humble soul]

I'm just trying to imagine what it's like being married with 5 kids as I don't have any kids. That must keep you so busy and distracted, you hardly have time for yourself.
I won't be giving any specific advice. Just hoping and praying you can sort this out.
Regards
Humble Soul

 

[Praise Him]

I won't be giving any specific advice. Just hoping and praying you can sort this out.

Thank you for your prayers humble soul

 

[Hospes]

Hallo brothers and sisters

I am married with 5 children but am so unhappy in marriage.

My husband seems disinterested in me. There has been no physical relationship for 6 years and he says that Christians shouldn't want physical relationships. He spends most of the evening on the computer not wanting anytime with me. He has never taken me out for a meal, a holiday or anywhere. Not that I should want earthly things, but sometimes it would be nice.

If I try to talk he gets very nasty and rips into me verbally leaving me upset and raw. He has also displayed aggression on a couple of occasions.

I am at the point where I don't want to pray that things get better. I think my heart is cold towards my husband because of all the hurt.

Despite all this I know the Lord is good and only wants what is best for His children.
I feel I may be given signs that I need to move on and get away with the children but don't want to act unless I'm sure its the Lord's will.

Some Godly advice would be very appreciated.

Are you tied into a church community?

 

[Praise Him]

Are you tied into a church community?

not presently due to location and availability of sound Christian fellowship

 

[Hospes]

not presently due to location and availability of sound Christian fellowship

That makes your situation really difficult in that it is the Christian community in which such situations were meant to be handled. Do you and your husband have any mature Christian friends nearby? (Mature as in they love Jesus foremost, love and know and live by the Bible, and are not recent converts.)

 

[GodsGrace]

Hallo brothers and sisters

I am married with 5 children but am so unhappy in marriage.

My husband seems disinterested in me. There has been no physical relationship for 6 years and he says that Christians shouldn't want physical relationships. He spends most of the evening on the computer not wanting anytime with me. He has never taken me out for a meal, a holiday or anywhere. Not that I should want earthly things, but sometimes it would be nice.

If I try to talk he gets very nasty and rips into me verbally leaving me upset and raw. He has also displayed aggression on a couple of occasions.

I am at the point where I don't want to pray that things get better. I think my heart is cold towards my husband because of all the hurt.

Despite all this I know the Lord is good and only wants what is best for His children.
I feel I may be given signs that I need to move on and get away with the children but don't want to act unless I'm sure its the Lord's will.

Some Godly advice would be very appreciated.

Hi Praise Him,
I'm so sorry to hear of your dilemma.
I'm not happy to give advice for such matters, but I'll tell you what I believe to be true.
You're not going to be squeezing any water out of a stone. We can't demand to have what is not there.
Try to stay with your husband...but live your life without depending on him. He just won't be there for you and
this has to be accepted. If he's a good father (not abusive would suffice), then do this for your children.
I'm sorry to have to say that sometimes others (including a spouse at times) just cannot respond to our needs.
God bless you.

 

[PeterJens]

Hallo brothers and sisters

I am married with 5 children but am so unhappy in marriage.

My husband seems disinterested in me. There has been no physical relationship for 6 years and he says that Christians shouldn't want physical relationships. He spends most of the evening on the computer not wanting anytime with me. He has never taken me out for a meal, a holiday or anywhere. Not that I should want earthly things, but sometimes it would be nice.

If I try to talk he gets very nasty and rips into me verbally leaving me upset and raw. He has also displayed aggression on a couple of occasions.

I am at the point where I don't want to pray that things get better. I think my heart is cold towards my husband because of all the hurt.

Despite all this I know the Lord is good and only wants what is best for His children.
I feel I may be given signs that I need to move on and get away with the children but don't want to act unless I'm sure its the Lord's will.

Some Godly advice would be very appreciated.

The issues are complicated. Firstly you need to ask yourself would living alone be better, and is there any love between you, on a friendship supportive level. If living alone and not being a part of your husbands life is fine with you, then there is not a relationship or reality. The next question is do you want to build a proper relationship with a future. I have friends who are happy to have contact when is suits them, but in reality they want no real interaction or sharing. They are aquaintenances not friends.

Some get married because of circumstance or need for another, but actually are not with a person other than for need reasons rather than giving. It is hard to make a living relationship out of something that does not exist or is not really understood by either party.

Unfortunately you show you need some counselling with a trained counsellor to discover what you want out of life and relationships, and how you put boundaries around you, and make demands of another person. My wife is very shy, and though we had a loving relationship, to admit need and love is very difficult for her. When dating for a year we got to a point either she showed some openness and giving or we split up. After a week apart it was obvious her heart needed what we had, but she found it hard to verbalise or admit.

Making such connections is difficult and varies from couple to couple, but it must be there. And what one party is feeling it is often shared by the other party, which is why the connection was established at the beginning. But facing these realities as a couple can be hard. And some circumstances make such changes hard to work through. But that is how counselling helps, to be able to work through ones own feelings and history to finally come to a conclusion that works for you. So that is my advice, seek help to discover yourself and your next step. God bless you

 

[Praise Him]

Do you and your husband have any mature Christian friends nearby? (Mature as in they love Jesus foremost, love and know and live by the Bible, and are not recent converts.)

Hi Hospes

Thank you for your message.

I have confided with a mature Jesus loving Christian couple. They said they would understand if I decided to leave.
They are not too close by so it is not regular fellowship with them but enough support to feel they understood

 

[Praise Him]

Try to stay with your husband...but live your life without depending on him. He just won't be there for you and
this has to be accepted.

Hi wondering

Thank you for your message. What you have said is right and I think that's where I am now, staying for the sake of the children.

I work and bring in the family income, my husband doesn't work. So I'm used to not depending on him. He is the dependent one. Bitterness creeps in at times along with dislike and disdain, I must try to trust the Lord more and be content in the situation.

Thank you again

 

[humble soul]

I work and bring in the family income, my husband doesn't work

Wow

 

[Praise Him]

Firstly you need to ask yourself would living alone be better, and is there any love between you, on a friendship supportive level. If living alone and not being a part of your husbands life is fine with you, then there is not a relationship or reality.

Thank you for your message PeterJens

In truth I am possibly better without him there. There is no communication nor even much friendship.
He does not want any closeness of any kind.

He will chat to friends for ages on the phone and sit online for hours but if I speak to him his voice shows frustration.

I have suggested Christian counselling but he refused.

Thank you again

 

[Hospes]

Hi Hospes

Thank you for your message.

I have confided with a mature Jesus loving Christian couple. They said they would understand if I decided to leave.
They are not too close by so it is not regular fellowship with them but enough support to feel they understood

Thanks for engaging with me on this. It is a privilege.

If you were to leave, what would be your purpose for doing so? Would it be a last-ditch effort for saving your marriage, a way just to make the suffering end, or ...?

 

[humble soul]

So economically, you are ready for a divorce. He isn't. Sounds like he won't survive too well without you. But staying for guilt is not healthy for you either.
Divorce is a huge decision though. And I'm not willing to advise either way.

 

[PeterJens]

Thank you for your message PeterJens

In truth I am possibly better without him there. There is no communication nor even much friendship.
He does not want any closeness of any kind.

He will chat to friends for ages on the phone and sit online for hours but if I speak to him his voice shows frustration.

I have suggested Christian counselling but he refused.

Thank you again

A lot of people would suggest some kind of separation to make real what is happening emotionally.
I have kids who at times wanted distance. That was done for the right reasons, but my love still waits and hopes. Often their rebelling was based on the wrong ideas and insecurity. Without talking through a marriage with a counsellor individually, talking to your partner may not work. What one can discover is the other party is being pushed away, and how things work are more buried in family history and ways of expressing vulnerability and need. Finding oneself has to be the first step. But such things cost and hurts, and the road ahead needs to be bounded in love and understanding. 5 kids, a massive work load and emotional complexity. Many get lost in these situations. There is a way through if you want it. God bless you

 

[Praise Him]

There is a way through if you want it.

Yes

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-7

May the Lord clearly outline His way forward so that it is His way not mine

Thankyou for all your replies here PeterJens humble soul wondering Hospes

 

[Tessa]

Praise Him I love that post, you have a tremendous faith and God will not let you down.
Sometimes something happens to wake people up to themselves and they can completely change. I saw it happen with my brother. He became a different person and he has stayed that way. Only God can do that. I am praying that will happen with your husband.
I am sorry you are suffering this heartbreak. Hold on to your wonderful faith and patience. God will lead you.
Many Blessings dear sister. Please stay with us here.

 

[LovethroughDove]

Question: Are you not even friends right now?

He is wrong about Christians and physical relationships with spouses.

1 Corinthians 7:4-5 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him along but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

If he is Christian he cannot use that excuse and obviously it isn't a mutual thing between you, and he is not praying this entire 6 years.

 

[Moseme]

Hallo brothers and sisters

I am married with 5 children but am so unhappy in marriage.

My husband seems disinterested in me. There has been no physical relationship for 6 years and he says that Christians shouldn't want physical relationships. He spends most of the evening on the computer not wanting anytime with me. He has never taken me out for a meal, a holiday or anywhere. Not that I should want earthly things, but sometimes it would be nice.

If I try to talk he gets very nasty and rips into me verbally leaving me upset and raw. He has also displayed aggression on a couple of occasions.

I am at the point where I don't want to pray that things get better. I think my heart is cold towards my husband because of all the hurt.

Despite all this I know the Lord is good and only wants what is best for His children.
I feel I may be given signs that I need to move on and get away with the children but don't want to act unless I'm sure its the Lord's will.

Some Godly advice would be very appreciated.

It is extremely difficult to give good advice on the situation when there is so little information about your situation. Normally I would advise not to get a divorce. 99% of the time divorce is not the answer. But as I said your situation is for the most part unclear to me. I will tell you a story of an old friend of mine, a woman that I greatly respect and has been a strong spiritual guide for many people.

She was also married with 5 kids. One she gave birth to before marrying this man and 4 that he had in a previous relationship. But she loved all five of them very strongly. Her husband beat her alot. She hated him and sometimes thought about killing him then taking her own life. But she wouldn't because what would happen to the kids if she did? But the abuse was unbearable and she prayed so hard for 3 days and was seriously about to take her life on that 3rd day when she heard from God. He told her that he had peace and love and all she had to do was obey and follow his plan (this is when her relationship with God really got strong). Soon after that she made dinner and he threw it all to the ground. God then told her to tell him she loved him and she was confused because she hated him and it felt like telling a lie. Never the less she went and told him that she loved him and as she said the words, they were suddenly true. God gave her enough love so she could love him. She still got beat for awhile but eventually he became afraid to hit her and actually became a little loving. Through it all she had peace though.

Hosea is great at showing what true love is. Sacrifice. Often in relationships sacrifice painful. Jesus shows us that. My advice is Jesus provides us with a relationship and he will never let us down and this should be our primary desire. After that allow God to help you love your husband. Sacrifice for him. Your looking for happiness, joy is with Jesus. Seek Jesus and then seek to make your husband's life better. The sacrifices would be painful and he most likely wouldnt deserve it and you will most likely feel as if it is getting you no where near your desired goal. That's where we need strength from God. A strong relationship with Jesus is vital to every other relationship. Also never give up looking for a healthy church. Eventually after we give up looking for a church we give up caring about church.

 

[BrianDavidson]

Praying for you brother, I know a close friend in the same situation.