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Opening up old wounds

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ok you are in the midst of an argument with a loved one. (Yes arguments do occur between loved ones!).
In the heat of the moment you are tempted to bring up a negative event from the past.
"It just reminds me of the time you ..........".
I've done it and it's happened to me as well.
not a good idea I know but oh so tempting.
Still that negative event is in our head. We still hold a grudge maybe?
Is it ever appropriate to raise the topic of that event when both of you have calmed down?
Or forgive and forget and move on.
The second option?
Ok thanks
 
ok you are in the midst of an argument with a loved one. (Yes arguments do occur between loved ones!).
In the heat of the moment you are tempted to bring up a negative event from the past.
"It just reminds me of the time you ..........".
I've done it and it's happened to me as well.
not a good idea I know but oh so tempting.
Still that negative event is in our head. We still hold a grudge maybe?
Is it ever appropriate to raise the topic of that event when both of you have calmed down?
Or forgive and forget and move on.
The second option?
Ok thanks
I try to remember how Christ said He will cast our past sins as far as the East is from the West. We are to do the same wherever possible. I've always been one anyone could count on to bring up a laundry list of past transgressions. Sometimes this is necessary for survival if there is not to be reconciliation. But, within the confines of a continuing relationship, then, no matter the temptation, bringing up the past has proven devastating in my experience.
The Lord gave me a recurring dream where steel wool kept coming out of my mouth. When I would awake, I felt the Lord press upon my heart...."use kinder words"
 
ok you are in the midst of an argument with a loved one. (Yes arguments do occur between loved ones!).
In the heat of the moment you are tempted to bring up a negative event from the past.
"It just reminds me of the time you ..........".
I've done it and it's happened to me as well.
not a good idea I know but oh so tempting.
Still that negative event is in our head. We still hold a grudge maybe?
Is it ever appropriate to raise the topic of that event when both of you have calmed down?
Or forgive and forget and move on.
The second option?
Ok thanks
it's funny - i never bring up old issues - or even fresh issues for the reasons you stated - i do not want to hurt them - imo it permanently scars the relationship

rather than discussing their past or present wrongs i ask them questions

for example someone started screaming at me about nothing - i was angry but God filled me with a compassion for them and i said softly and lovingly said "are you ok?" - well their anger and aggression instantly melted and they stopped attacking me

another time i was being attacked by 2 people at once - i calmly said "why are you talking to me like this?" - one angry person said "we're not doing anything to you" - the other person was convicted and said "because everything always works out well for you and things don't always work out well for me" - it was really illuminating to us all - and they didn't attack me anymore that day

i know how much unkind words hurt me and those words cause me to want to hurt them back but i know it will not produce anything good so i shut my mouth when i am angry or hurt - if people continually hurt me with words i don't allow them any more access to me - when they lose access to me they start thinking about how much they miss me and perhaps it will make them change - or not - but i don't need to be continually wounded by unkind words so i choose different people to hang with

in fact the bible says do not associate with an angry man lest you learn his ways - so true - i see how anger and violence spreads like covid 19 so best to quarantine from such people - Proverbs 22:24-25
 
I find it much easier to forgive than forget. I think it's the hurt that causes you to remember when you are hurt again..
I remind myself that I have already forgiven them and then I just don't answer then while they are hurtimg me again. I sigh and walk away and try to forget it.
 
certain words trigger me. The other day it was "stupid". It's the most powerful triggering word for me. More powerful than any expletive. I've seen the power of it used so negatively..
"don't ask him. He's stupid"
Thing is, I can't laugh when it is used light heartedly.
 
Just came back from physio. Therapist showed me 3 exercises. he said "now you try".
I couldn't remember the first one. Then he laughed derisively.." you can't remember them?"
This is when I make a fool of myself. in front of task master commonsense pragmatists.
I was foolish. But I felt he was really annoyed with me. imo he could have just shown me one and said " now you try". Commonsense people often lack patience.
 
In the flesh when I get angry I can shout anyone under the table and chew them a new one. Who knows better than my hubby. We have had some doozies in the past, but we never use each others past, what I like to call the BC years, as we are no longer those people. He knows when we start getting into a heated argument that I need to step back and be by myself in order to calm myself, but he will egg it on until I unleash all over him. In the end when we have yelled it all out we always forgive each other as we will never go to bed being angry with each other.

My old wounds have been healed by God so I never let what others say about me bother me as it's their own ignorance speaking.
 
In the flesh when I get angry I can shout anyone under the table and chew them a new one. Who knows better than my hubby. We have had some doozies in the past, but we never use each others past, what I like to call the BC years, as we are no longer those people. He knows when we start getting into a heated argument that I need to step back and be by myself in order to calm myself, but he will egg it on until I unleash all over him. In the end when we have yelled it all out we always forgive each other as we will never go to bed being angry with each other.

My old wounds have been healed by God so I never let what others say about me bother me as it's their own ignorance speaking.
Powerful post glory. Thanks
 
It's important to let your partner express anger. Even unjustified anger. I don't take my partner's explosions too seriously any more. she's just letting off steam. of course I listen and try to self reflect if I need to change. some of my bad habits must be annoying. ?
 
how do you react if someone calls you "stupid"?
Well I react even if they imply I am stupid.
Come to think of it, I am a highly reactive person. I am a Pavlov's dog knee jerk reactor. ?.
Wish I wasn't. But I am.
 
Today we were shopping for chairs.
Two places selling the same thing but two different salesman.
One was young and talked fast and had a bunch of numbers...
But the old guy talked slower...less pressure and promised he could do better. Fewer numbers.

Guess where we spent our money?

My wife was wondering why I didn't get them from the younger one. I told her why and that the older guy was in our neighborhood.

As we age we aren't as fast thinking. We can barely keep up with the fast speech much less the numbers.

But my wife told me that by going to the older guy we saved around $30.
Hey...not bad.

But I'm going to say it was my gut instinct and not hard data. And I've been wrong before about such things. ....Luck?

Just the way things are?
 
ok you are in the midst of an argument with a loved one

I try, emphasis on try, to explain what it is about her words actions that hurt me or make me feel.

Eg, instead of saying you always squeeze the toothpast tube in the middle.
I would try to say in ignoring my requests to squeeze the toothpast tube from the bottom you make me feel that my comments, opinions are worthless.

It does two things. Identifies there is a problem ( squeezing the tube is important to me ! ! !)
And that my feelings have been hurt, there is no casting of blame.
It is now up to the other to react to that.

It takes I'm sorry to say practice and fore thought to get this right, but it turns a quarrel into a constructive thing rather than a destructive thing.
 
how do you react if someone calls you "stupid"?
Well I react even if they imply I am stupid.
Come to think of it, I am a highly reactive person. I am a Pavlov's dog knee jerk reactor. ?.
Wish I wasn't. But I am.

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never harm me, LOL.

Let people think what they want as only you know who you are.
 
Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never harm me, LOL.

Let people think what they want as only you know who you are.
I always suspect other people know something about me , that I don't. maybe that's why I care so much what others think of me.
 
I try, emphasis on try, to explain what it is about her words actions that hurt me or make me feel.

Eg, instead of saying you always squeeze the toothpast tube in the middle.
I would try to say in ignoring my requests to squeeze the toothpast tube from the bottom you make me feel that my comments, opinions are worthless.

It does two things. Identifies there is a problem ( squeezing the tube is important to me ! ! !)
And that my feelings have been hurt, there is no casting of blame.
It is now up to the other to react to that.

It takes I'm sorry to say practice and fore thought to get this right, but it turns a quarrel into a constructive thing rather than a destructive thing.
My wife and I use different toothpaste fortunately.
 
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