[__ Prayer __] put aside what is behind...

[Christ_empowered]

...and press forward. st.paul is spot on with that, probably why its in Scripture, right? Its...Truth, and as a believer...

I need to (somehow) act upon it.

I'd be -less- stuck in a past that...honestly, because of involuntary shock and such...is fractured, anyway...and not worth remembering, at any rate. but...like so many people...the surrounding (fallen, sin cursed) world isn't about to let me escape.

no felonies. never been committed, never been to a state psych facility. parents are doing what they can to provide a much needed buffer between me and this corner of a cruel, harsh world. God is Good, truly. My parents are as good as any parents could ever be, in these circumstances, + a bit more than 99.xyz% of parents would ever even think to be, and...

-sigh- I cannot even stay in my (modest, but quite nice) place without being taunted and bullied and...and...

I dunno. maybe I expected too much? before I even got saved (cue the coming of age soundtrack), I really wanted to go back and do it right. freakish thing? at 23, I was --sick-- , physically...i mean, 6 months left to live level sick...but I looked 17. skinny, pretty, pale, and...ridiculously weak, sick, and already so brain damaged (I had a scan...) that I was "supposed to be a vegetable!," according to a -lovely- psych nurse, and...and...

-sigh- here I am, age 36, healthy and smart and normal and...and...8 years into my walk with Jesus, amen.

it isn't all internal 'issues,' either...its very much being labeled and picked on and put down, because of all the stigma I accumulated, in and of the world...

now? 'washed and made clean...,' in the here and now. God is Love.

I honestly get a bit...nervous, I guess is a good word...at times. my parents bought this place, paid for it outright...lock, stock, and barrel. im not typing that to brag, its more...im thankful for my parents, and thankful that The Lord has moved in their lives, my life, our lives...so that -could- and -did- happen. they got married young, did their advanced degrees, and...

rambling, good people, life is difficult on the way up, and I thank God for blessing them and me, too.

point is, its just ridiculous how petty and mean spirited people are, and this...well, I spent most of my life in this general area, but it never really was a 'home town' or anything. now, in Christ: this world -is not- my home.

there was the time i saw excrement (still hoping it was animal...) near the front door, and the time there was a dead rat in my bath tub (I don't have rats, and I'd forgotten to lock the door and took a nap...), and the time I heard someone spit, loudly...and saw the splatter on the glass outer-door on the front...

and the time people out the front were yelling 'welfare queen!" so i went to the back, 2nd bedroom, and got more of the same, but different voices...

on and on and on. go to visit my parents, and...its more of the same, junk and taunts from neighbors...i suspect (but don't know, for sure) that they've called the cops, in years past, because..."he doesn't know his place in society!," and I had serious stuff on my record, until...by the grace of God, I -didn't- , and -don't- , now, and...

its people bringing up junk and the non stop labels and lies, and its...

-sigh- the mental health industry isn't necessarily the core of the problem, in my own situation. has it been...helpful? pshaw. no. not at all. but its probably just a more wicked industry in a wicked, fallen world...

and i was just a clueless rebellious fool in my young years, plus i had good insurance. read: power, profit, fun...i was ripped.to.shreds by the 'helping professions...'

blah blah blah. i dont think im in -danger- of being beat up or anything, and i keep the doors locked, its just...

id very much like to obey Jesus, out of love...and take up the plow, push forward...don't look back...

and forgive 70x7, even when people are deliberately taunting and pushing and making it hard, very hard...

its oppressive, honestly. and its...deliberate, too, which is what -creeps me out- about it, to be honest. voices? i dont hear voices, now. i think i did largely from severe bullying in my young years + brain damage + stress + physical illnesses that were never treated (file this under 'what poor people go thru,' yet again...), and now?

'voices' that are replays are not 'voices,' they're haunting echoes of an existence The Lord pulled me out of, not so long ago at that...

and I get the sense that there are -real people- who are -really vocal- and -really want- to rip me to shreds, again. :-(

please pray. thanks.

 

[daninthelionsden]

Praying for you.
I was pressed by the Holy Spirit to pray for my oppressors. I succeeded in praying for each one except for one neighbor across the street. She tormented my son then pretended to be a Christian. Every time I tried to pray for her I would end up calling her disparaging names. I suppose it might be humorous in a dark way, But I just couldn't pray for her and I told the Lord I couldn't do it.
But even if I couldn't pray for all of them, I still advise you to pray for your oppressors as best you can and mean it in your heart. It helps relieve the hurt/animosity building up in your heart. By praying for them you help yourself and build treasure in heaven.

 

[Tessa]

It is sometimes hard to throw away the past. If I start doing that I shake my head and think of all the things God has done for me. I know you do that too CE.
Praying for you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thank you both. seriously.

somewhere in the OT, it says to remember the history of what He has done...

the context is speaking to the Israelites, of course, but...yeah. yeah. I know an address would help, but...yeah. one of 'those verses,' where the meaning sticks with me, not the exact wording or location. moving on...

The Lord has brought me and my parents -so far- , it's...truly incredible, to me, at least. mama's fully retired from one of 'those jobs' (read: high prestige, pay wasn't great till the last 10 years or so of her career...pressure and junk from all sides, she put up with it for as long as she could, I'm thankful she was able to jump ship when she did...), and much, much happier -and- healthier (!) doing volunteer work at a local non-profit...

where she's actually (gasp) appreciated and the junk and jibber jabber is minimal (1 bully volunteer, he's gone now...). dad's retired, but needed, so still going, part-time...and now he's contributing his skill set at the same non-profit as mama, and...

surprise, surprise; psychobabble and crazy talk aside, they were just upwardly mobile, stressed out, under pressure from all angles, till they hit the...I dunno, upper middle class, maybe lower run of well to do?...and then things mellowed, and so did they. imagine that, lol. seriously. i feel like such a moron for falling into the psychotrap of rehashing and overanalyzing the only people who are able and willing to offer real protection, real support...

which brings me to another point: the mental health industry is -especially- wicked, and i sometimes think...well, the talking ones can be worse than the prescribing ones. and I kinda think...well, I don't -want- to take psych drugs, especially an "atypical antipsychotic," but with the antioxidants and such on board...

maybe that's less toxic, less damaging, more helpful than all this talk-talk-talk that poisons and warps the mind? I dunno. "...put on the Mind of Christ..." in this context, I think popping a pill daily is less sinful than dishonoring and covertly rebelling against family. something like that, anyway.

blah blah blah...i got good sleep last night (vitamins, not sedatives), thinking more -clearly- , Praise God. its...a fallen, sin marred world...I was a weakling. on the broad road...then a repentant weakling...now, I'm growing in Him and --wait for it, wait for it-- no longer a weakling. where to, from here? i dunno. I pray for The Lord's perfect will for -me- , all of me (I try to take a holistic, whole person view of salvation...something I picked up from the Pentecostals...).

as for my bullies? control. ye are a slave of what controls you...sin? righteousness? blessings or curses...pick wisely. I was trapped under the weight of my own sins, plus the "other factors" (sin, satan, the world, self in general), so...

the 'unexpected' work of God in my life is...well, this is difficult...needed, desperately needed, but I was not and am not -entitled- to it or anything, and people in and of the world...

pretty much the same, by and large, as when I was still on the broad road. faces change, names change, even my address changed...same song and dance, all around me. if anything, Scripture warns of a time when things will '...wax worse...,' so...

do be aware of that, lol. 'wise as serpents, innocent as doves...'

i kind of feel that a big part of my testimony is a much needed 'coming of age,' and...for a dude who once had 'developmental disorder' written all over me, that, all by itself, is something of a miracle.

ok. thanks, as always.

 

[Truthfrees]

praying

 

[Christ_empowered]

maybe its that...i get never-ending punishment, from the community? this isn't a pity party, its...a realization, i guess...that Jesus -- the same Jesus I perceived as harsh and maybe...anything but who He really is, basically -- Jesus has taken -extreme- mercy upon me, and I -am- increasingly thankful. seriously.

'immature,' 'lose his scholarship,' 'did too many drugs,' 'parents need to get rid of him,' etc. truth? everyone has a backstory, and mine is basically...I should not have gone to college when I did, I was driven out of the dorms, got a cheap apartment, all downhill from there, and...and...

-sigh- the world never -had- that much for me, truly. not a 'victim of society,' more like...i didn't measure up, I guess. oh, and...yeah, blah blah blah...

The Lord cares now, and He cared, even when I...was a rebellious foolish individual. I just get frustrated, because...I do.not.do these sorts of things to others, but people feel 110% a-OK taunting me. a lot, a lot, i mean...yes, a lot...of what I've been subjected to and what goes on, now, lines up with what 'psychiatric survivors' write, as they try to make their exit from psychiatric treatment and such. im regarded as a 'trouble maker,' there's been legal action, and...yeah. yeah. Each new day is a blessing, a gift, and a -challenge-, of sorts...

especially considering that I was expected to be dead about 14+/- years ago. seriously. how cruel can the world be, especially in psych hospitals? 15 years ago, i was expected to be -dead- within 2 years...

and the (private, for profit, part of a chain) hospital 'experts' wanted to put me into a homeless shelter. my parents nixed it, so...blah blah blah, the -extreme- cruelty has been more than exceeded by The Lord's -extreme mercy- , so...

Praise God!