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[__ Prayer __] shrinks experimented on me

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not that big a deal, now...7 years into my walk with Him, reconciled to my parents, made whole (imperfect and all, but...He's brought me a long, long way, as a New creation in Christ Jesus...)

...but I get the sense that in terms of status and such, one doesn't get much lower than lobotomized "uppity mental patient," etc. oh, and a brain scan over 10 years ago showed that I should probably be on a ventilator. did I mention I now lean towards antipsychiatry?

I don't know what to do with my time, my...what's left of my time on earth, now that I'm in Christ. I'm only in my mid-30s, btw. blah.

knowing that I had (have? I don't know...) severe, deliberately inflicted brain damage (a lot of it was from a massive valium-type sleeping pill OD, in a mental hospital, that was not treated...), and my parents (God bless them!) and their insurance company not only paid for it...

but then both hospitals (2x 'well-regarded' places I woke up in) sent collections agencies after me, because they wanted...more, more, more....

is kinda...angry-making is one way of putting it, except now I'm much more thankful than I am angry. Its also...

the taunts, some of which are based on old psych labels/records (my personal favorite: 'oppositional defiant disorder' and 'malingering,' as in...I was supposedly just making things up...then why the lobotomy? 'to make him more manageable,' apparently...), and the conflict that my freedom in Christ (who else could or would set a low status psych patient free, anyway?) creates....

'you need to know your place in society!' and 'he doesn't have (counselor)'s -permission- to (anything)...' and 'they were supposed to get his parents fired from (place of employment),' etc.

by Christ's grace, i can honestly say I'm moving towards forgiving people. Forgiveness, in Christ, is an action, it is something I prayed for what I needed to -do- , 70x7, per Jesus' command. I'm a lot less angry, a lot more...

not exactly -frightened- , but concerned. for my safety, even. for my long term freedom. for my parents and their safety and their long term outlook anywhere, maybe especially if they choose to stay in this area after dad retires, and...

and being yelled at, spoken at, even sometimes at 4, 5 AM....

not good. the lies that are spread about me--'he has 3 felonies!,' for instance (I have 1 misdemeanor, not that anyone listens to me)-are disconcerting, because I -have- been attacked, because I -have- dealt with police brutality, because I -have- experienced the rough (perhaps...the real, authentic?) side of psychiatry...

and I'm not really gung ho about being expected to shut up, 'know your place!,' 'kill yourself if you don't like it!,' etc.

OK. the other thing is...1st, I'm a Christian. boom. By God's grace, I also kind of associate with psychiatric survivors. A lot of what I've written about, here, lines up with what patients, former patients, ex-patients, on and on, have gone thru and go thru, even as I write this...not just me, not by a long shot. I thought, for a long time, that i was more economic...I unemployed and poor, parents were (to quote some people 'round here) 'rinky dink middle-class,' etc. following that line of thinking...

I needed $$$. My parents have been blessed with more lower rung of upper class/upper middle class (clearly, I am not an expert on these things) status, especially since I came to know Jesus, 7 years ago. good for them, good for me, too. and yet...

6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of the other. turns out, psychiatry really is a rather vicious industry. His work in my life=static, and I am fairly certain that a whole, whole lot of it is coming from the psych industry 'professionals' I've dealt with and who have taken it upon themselves to 'close ranks' on me, etc. because...

it never was about 'helping' me, anyway. power, profit, control, destruction...no 'help,' there, not at all. and now?

if it wasn't A) for The Lord and b) for my parents, I'd be on the streets (maybe...if not dead or in prison...), probably talking to myself and being victimized...

not because I "need(ed) treatment," but -because- of psychiatry and the rest of Mental Health, Inc. true story.

I guess I'm writing about this all, yet again, because...

the upstairs neighbors who stomp and stomp in their rental also talk -loudly- about me needing to'move out!' and at least one person has tried to buy the condo, even though its not for sale, and I'm expected to Obey.Everyone.Around, because 'we broke him!,' as they often say at me, around me...

and I just wanna be able to push forward and not look back, like Jesus tells us to do. oh, that and...hopefully, at least 1 person will decide to -not- go the Mental (ill) Health route....they're dangerous, trust me.

Please keep my parents+me up in your prayers. thanks, yet again. :)
 
not that big a deal, now...7 years into my walk with Him, reconciled to my parents, made whole (imperfect and all, but...He's brought me a long, long way, as a New creation in Christ Jesus...)

...but I get the sense that in terms of status and such, one doesn't get much lower than lobotomized "uppity mental patient," etc. oh, and a brain scan over 10 years ago showed that I should probably be on a ventilator. did I mention I now lean towards antipsychiatry?

I don't know what to do with my time, my...what's left of my time on earth, now that I'm in Christ. I'm only in my mid-30s, btw. blah.

knowing that I had (have? I don't know...) severe, deliberately inflicted brain damage (a lot of it was from a massive valium-type sleeping pill OD, in a mental hospital, that was not treated...), and my parents (God bless them!) and their insurance company not only paid for it...

but then both hospitals (2x 'well-regarded' places I woke up in) sent collections agencies after me, because they wanted...more, more, more....

is kinda...angry-making is one way of putting it, except now I'm much more thankful than I am angry. Its also...

the taunts, some of which are based on old psych labels/records (my personal favorite: 'oppositional defiant disorder' and 'malingering,' as in...I was supposedly just making things up...then why the lobotomy? 'to make him more manageable,' apparently...), and the conflict that my freedom in Christ (who else could or would set a low status psych patient free, anyway?) creates....

'you need to know your place in society!' and 'he doesn't have (counselor)'s -permission- to (anything)...' and 'they were supposed to get his parents fired from (place of employment),' etc.

by Christ's grace, i can honestly say I'm moving towards forgiving people. Forgiveness, in Christ, is an action, it is something I prayed for what I needed to -do- , 70x7, per Jesus' command. I'm a lot less angry, a lot more...

not exactly -frightened- , but concerned. for my safety, even. for my long term freedom. for my parents and their safety and their long term outlook anywhere, maybe especially if they choose to stay in this area after dad retires, and...

and being yelled at, spoken at, even sometimes at 4, 5 AM....

not good. the lies that are spread about me--'he has 3 felonies!,' for instance (I have 1 misdemeanor, not that anyone listens to me)-are disconcerting, because I -have- been attacked, because I -have- dealt with police brutality, because I -have- experienced the rough (perhaps...the real, authentic?) side of psychiatry...

and I'm not really gung ho about being expected to shut up, 'know your place!,' 'kill yourself if you don't like it!,' etc.

OK. the other thing is...1st, I'm a Christian. boom. By God's grace, I also kind of associate with psychiatric survivors. A lot of what I've written about, here, lines up with what patients, former patients, ex-patients, on and on, have gone thru and go thru, even as I write this...not just me, not by a long shot. I thought, for a long time, that i was more economic...I unemployed and poor, parents were (to quote some people 'round here) 'rinky dink middle-class,' etc. following that line of thinking...

I needed $$$. My parents have been blessed with more lower rung of upper class/upper middle class (clearly, I am not an expert on these things) status, especially since I came to know Jesus, 7 years ago. good for them, good for me, too. and yet...

6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of the other. turns out, psychiatry really is a rather vicious industry. His work in my life=static, and I am fairly certain that a whole, whole lot of it is coming from the psych industry 'professionals' I've dealt with and who have taken it upon themselves to 'close ranks' on me, etc. because...

it never was about 'helping' me, anyway. power, profit, control, destruction...no 'help,' there, not at all. and now?

if it wasn't A) for The Lord and b) for my parents, I'd be on the streets (maybe...if not dead or in prison...), probably talking to myself and being victimized...

not because I "need(ed) treatment," but -because- of psychiatry and the rest of Mental Health, Inc. true story.

I guess I'm writing about this all, yet again, because...

the upstairs neighbors who stomp and stomp in their rental also talk -loudly- about me needing to'move out!' and at least one person has tried to buy the condo, even though its not for sale, and I'm expected to Obey.Everyone.Around, because 'we broke him!,' as they often say at me, around me...

and I just wanna be able to push forward and not look back, like Jesus tells us to do. oh, that and...hopefully, at least 1 person will decide to -not- go the Mental (ill) Health route....they're dangerous, trust me.

Please keep my parents+me up in your prayers. thanks, yet again. :)
Sounds like they had their own private little Guantamino going on there and decide to wage psych/war on you. I would say it sounds as much like deliberate torture as anything.
 
thanks. i have it far, far easier, now, in Christ, but...

ugh. I'm an outcast...maybe more of one, now?...in Christ. But, hey...in Christ...He's seen fit to '...put off the old, put on the new...,' and I am increasingly, truly thankful. its just...

once one is in the community following all this, -stigma- is a tool the shrinks use to control. "He's narcissistic!" "we did operations...to control his violent temper..." "Dr.() is the -best- psychiatrist in ()" "how dare he question our authority!"

im getting closer and closer to the finish line, by which I mean...

I pray for a way out, I pray for God's perfect will, and its dawned on me...

'play the hand you're dealt,' in -my situation- , may simply mean slowly weaning myself off the "atypical" tranquilizer...

and learning to lean on Him and pray for Him to bear fruit in me...fruits of The Spirit, which all Christians can be made to bear in Him, by abiding in Him. :)

so, it also means rejecting notions of "inner-healing" and "therapeutic ()" and all that jazz. and also no blaming my "illness" for anything. in an odd way, being treated so horribly and all...probably seeing more of the -core- of psychiatry than many people...

makes that easier. if you say "but I was psychotic!!!" they'll say "you made poor life choices" "you were not compliant with treatment" "you were manipulative" "why did you do drugs?" "well, why did Dr.() prescribe those controlled substances?" or..."you weren't psychotic! you were malingering! its a personality disorder!" and so...

blah. I think i had semi-psychotic probs from the 'meds' (drugs, by Rx) and from brain damage and from trauma, social isolation...

then from -very real- health problems (fun fact: being sick to that extent is not good for the brain, either)...

and now I don't think the shrinks or any Mental Health, Inc. worker bees have much to offer me...

even the volunteer thing I have now, I might (?) have been able to get on my own, maybe. its possible, though, that a worker bee might have sabotaged it, like happened way back when I tried to just work and get on with it. ha! as if. don't 'play by the rules...'

prepare to suffer. :-(

rambling....God is Good and He's infinitely bigger than all of that junk, so I'm getting better at handing it to Him, its just...


its real, you know? psych experimentation, people dying in hospitals, people dying from 'treatment,' everything the so-called 'crazy' people talk about, really.

www.cchr.org

thanks for your prayers. you+your family are in my prayers, too.
 
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