Christ_empowered
Member
not that big a deal, now...7 years into my walk with Him, reconciled to my parents, made whole (imperfect and all, but...He's brought me a long, long way, as a New creation in Christ Jesus...)
...but I get the sense that in terms of status and such, one doesn't get much lower than lobotomized "uppity mental patient," etc. oh, and a brain scan over 10 years ago showed that I should probably be on a ventilator. did I mention I now lean towards antipsychiatry?
I don't know what to do with my time, my...what's left of my time on earth, now that I'm in Christ. I'm only in my mid-30s, btw. blah.
knowing that I had (have? I don't know...) severe, deliberately inflicted brain damage (a lot of it was from a massive valium-type sleeping pill OD, in a mental hospital, that was not treated...), and my parents (God bless them!) and their insurance company not only paid for it...
but then both hospitals (2x 'well-regarded' places I woke up in) sent collections agencies after me, because they wanted...more, more, more....
is kinda...angry-making is one way of putting it, except now I'm much more thankful than I am angry. Its also...
the taunts, some of which are based on old psych labels/records (my personal favorite: 'oppositional defiant disorder' and 'malingering,' as in...I was supposedly just making things up...then why the lobotomy? 'to make him more manageable,' apparently...), and the conflict that my freedom in Christ (who else could or would set a low status psych patient free, anyway?) creates....
'you need to know your place in society!' and 'he doesn't have (counselor)'s -permission- to (anything)...' and 'they were supposed to get his parents fired from (place of employment),' etc.
by Christ's grace, i can honestly say I'm moving towards forgiving people. Forgiveness, in Christ, is an action, it is something I prayed for what I needed to -do- , 70x7, per Jesus' command. I'm a lot less angry, a lot more...
not exactly -frightened- , but concerned. for my safety, even. for my long term freedom. for my parents and their safety and their long term outlook anywhere, maybe especially if they choose to stay in this area after dad retires, and...
and being yelled at, spoken at, even sometimes at 4, 5 AM....
not good. the lies that are spread about me--'he has 3 felonies!,' for instance (I have 1 misdemeanor, not that anyone listens to me)-are disconcerting, because I -have- been attacked, because I -have- dealt with police brutality, because I -have- experienced the rough (perhaps...the real, authentic?) side of psychiatry...
and I'm not really gung ho about being expected to shut up, 'know your place!,' 'kill yourself if you don't like it!,' etc.
OK. the other thing is...1st, I'm a Christian. boom. By God's grace, I also kind of associate with psychiatric survivors. A lot of what I've written about, here, lines up with what patients, former patients, ex-patients, on and on, have gone thru and go thru, even as I write this...not just me, not by a long shot. I thought, for a long time, that i was more economic...I unemployed and poor, parents were (to quote some people 'round here) 'rinky dink middle-class,' etc. following that line of thinking...
I needed $$$. My parents have been blessed with more lower rung of upper class/upper middle class (clearly, I am not an expert on these things) status, especially since I came to know Jesus, 7 years ago. good for them, good for me, too. and yet...
6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of the other. turns out, psychiatry really is a rather vicious industry. His work in my life=static, and I am fairly certain that a whole, whole lot of it is coming from the psych industry 'professionals' I've dealt with and who have taken it upon themselves to 'close ranks' on me, etc. because...
it never was about 'helping' me, anyway. power, profit, control, destruction...no 'help,' there, not at all. and now?
if it wasn't A) for The Lord and b) for my parents, I'd be on the streets (maybe...if not dead or in prison...), probably talking to myself and being victimized...
not because I "need(ed) treatment," but -because- of psychiatry and the rest of Mental Health, Inc. true story.
I guess I'm writing about this all, yet again, because...
the upstairs neighbors who stomp and stomp in their rental also talk -loudly- about me needing to'move out!' and at least one person has tried to buy the condo, even though its not for sale, and I'm expected to Obey.Everyone.Around, because 'we broke him!,' as they often say at me, around me...
and I just wanna be able to push forward and not look back, like Jesus tells us to do. oh, that and...hopefully, at least 1 person will decide to -not- go the Mental (ill) Health route....they're dangerous, trust me.
Please keep my parents+me up in your prayers. thanks, yet again.
...but I get the sense that in terms of status and such, one doesn't get much lower than lobotomized "uppity mental patient," etc. oh, and a brain scan over 10 years ago showed that I should probably be on a ventilator. did I mention I now lean towards antipsychiatry?
I don't know what to do with my time, my...what's left of my time on earth, now that I'm in Christ. I'm only in my mid-30s, btw. blah.
knowing that I had (have? I don't know...) severe, deliberately inflicted brain damage (a lot of it was from a massive valium-type sleeping pill OD, in a mental hospital, that was not treated...), and my parents (God bless them!) and their insurance company not only paid for it...
but then both hospitals (2x 'well-regarded' places I woke up in) sent collections agencies after me, because they wanted...more, more, more....
is kinda...angry-making is one way of putting it, except now I'm much more thankful than I am angry. Its also...
the taunts, some of which are based on old psych labels/records (my personal favorite: 'oppositional defiant disorder' and 'malingering,' as in...I was supposedly just making things up...then why the lobotomy? 'to make him more manageable,' apparently...), and the conflict that my freedom in Christ (who else could or would set a low status psych patient free, anyway?) creates....
'you need to know your place in society!' and 'he doesn't have (counselor)'s -permission- to (anything)...' and 'they were supposed to get his parents fired from (place of employment),' etc.
by Christ's grace, i can honestly say I'm moving towards forgiving people. Forgiveness, in Christ, is an action, it is something I prayed for what I needed to -do- , 70x7, per Jesus' command. I'm a lot less angry, a lot more...
not exactly -frightened- , but concerned. for my safety, even. for my long term freedom. for my parents and their safety and their long term outlook anywhere, maybe especially if they choose to stay in this area after dad retires, and...
and being yelled at, spoken at, even sometimes at 4, 5 AM....
not good. the lies that are spread about me--'he has 3 felonies!,' for instance (I have 1 misdemeanor, not that anyone listens to me)-are disconcerting, because I -have- been attacked, because I -have- dealt with police brutality, because I -have- experienced the rough (perhaps...the real, authentic?) side of psychiatry...
and I'm not really gung ho about being expected to shut up, 'know your place!,' 'kill yourself if you don't like it!,' etc.
OK. the other thing is...1st, I'm a Christian. boom. By God's grace, I also kind of associate with psychiatric survivors. A lot of what I've written about, here, lines up with what patients, former patients, ex-patients, on and on, have gone thru and go thru, even as I write this...not just me, not by a long shot. I thought, for a long time, that i was more economic...I unemployed and poor, parents were (to quote some people 'round here) 'rinky dink middle-class,' etc. following that line of thinking...
I needed $$$. My parents have been blessed with more lower rung of upper class/upper middle class (clearly, I am not an expert on these things) status, especially since I came to know Jesus, 7 years ago. good for them, good for me, too. and yet...
6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of the other. turns out, psychiatry really is a rather vicious industry. His work in my life=static, and I am fairly certain that a whole, whole lot of it is coming from the psych industry 'professionals' I've dealt with and who have taken it upon themselves to 'close ranks' on me, etc. because...
it never was about 'helping' me, anyway. power, profit, control, destruction...no 'help,' there, not at all. and now?
if it wasn't A) for The Lord and b) for my parents, I'd be on the streets (maybe...if not dead or in prison...), probably talking to myself and being victimized...
not because I "need(ed) treatment," but -because- of psychiatry and the rest of Mental Health, Inc. true story.
I guess I'm writing about this all, yet again, because...
the upstairs neighbors who stomp and stomp in their rental also talk -loudly- about me needing to'move out!' and at least one person has tried to buy the condo, even though its not for sale, and I'm expected to Obey.Everyone.Around, because 'we broke him!,' as they often say at me, around me...
and I just wanna be able to push forward and not look back, like Jesus tells us to do. oh, that and...hopefully, at least 1 person will decide to -not- go the Mental (ill) Health route....they're dangerous, trust me.
Please keep my parents+me up in your prayers. thanks, yet again.