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Susannah's Christian Journal

Susannah

Susannah
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Update

I have decided to spend more time working on my own personal journal. If you want to join me on my message board here is the link.



January 25, 2020

I have been keeping a journal since I was ten. My first journal I hid inside a book by cutting out a section for the diary. I saw this in a movie. I discovered it 40 years later. It was so sad. All about romantic love and living happily ever after with my "my night in shining armor."

My second journal was when I joined AA. I used it to create a course I taught called Addiction to Love. It later became a book.

Now I am ready to talk about Christ. I always share my journal so that others can see how blessed I have been since finding God in 1983.

Spirit . . .

I was came out of my mother's womb on September 15, 1948. Before that, I was in the womb of the Spirit where I was educated and endowed with certain gifts that would serve God here on earth. Today, as an earthly being the Holy Spirit resides in me and continues on as my Healer, Counselor, and Comforter. When I pass away I will back to heaven and once again into the womb of Spirit.

My light shines through Spirit but the power source is God. I do not know if I do this metamorphosis once or many times. I guess I will find out eventually.

I know by reading the Bible I can think my way into God's good graces by doing what the scriptures say, but I prefer to feel the joy of the Holy Spirit. I will try to do both.


. . . to be continued

P.S. This is me when I was slender. LOL A client flew me to Switzerland at his expense and I got to stay in a lovely hotel at the foot of the Alps. My favorite story as a child was Heidi. God is good . . .


 
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Susannah

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January 26, 2020

Psychology without God is inherently flawed. At the same time God gave us physicians to heal our bodies, why not practitioners to heal our minds. God gave us Jung to replace Freud because Jung believed we need God to heal. God also gave us Eric Berne to teach us about how our mind works with regard to our different moods and personalities.

Berne said we have different ego states. Mine are:

Wounded Inner Child
Angry Teenager
Adult
Enlightened Adult

Those who know me will see the shift happen before their eyes. I bring this up because part of our recovery journey is to unite all these parts into one enlightened adult who serves the Lord.

As the Bible tells us we will never know ourselves entirely until we ascend into heaven, but healing all my different parts is a bit of heaven here on earth.

As for my wounded inner child . . .

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside childish ways."

As for psychotherapy . . .

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known."

1 Corinthians
 

Susannah

Susannah
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January 26, 2020

When I first got into recovery, I thought AA and God were going to heal all of me; my addictions; my depression; my anxiety.

Well . . . he cleaned house with regard to my addictions, but not my depression and anxiety. So I took comfort in the following scripture:

2 Corinthians. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

 

Susannah

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January 26, 2020

When I tell people the Holy Spirit talks to me they always warn me to be careful when talking to spirits, so I created the following criteria to know who I am talking to: good or evil. Mostly, whoever is talking to me is giving me instructions. She tells me what to write or what to do. I try hard to differentiate between my ego voice, her voice, and a bad spirit. Sometimes my discernment can be off I will admit. But I fall short like everyone else.

1. The instructions must be loving. It is not from God if the feeling tells me to do something mean or cruel.

2. It must not be selfish. If it benefits me it must also benefit others. Writing benefits me because it is fun but my writings are always to help people.

3. The feeling is uplifting. It will make me feel good. If I am judging myself or others I am not listening to the right feeling.

4. It should bear fruit. Whatever is said will lead to something wonderful. A change for the best or some kind of blessing.

To some people PERSONIFICATION is close to idolatry and yet even in the Bible the Holy Spirit is imagined as a dove and as wind. Here is my personal personification of the Holy Spirit as a teacher.

 
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Susannah

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January 26, 2020

Regarding my spiritual journey . . .

My biggest struggle and heartache as a new Christian is the Bible. There are so many different translations. The scriptures in the Bible were chosen by an all-male council. The Bible says the Holy Spirit will come to both men and women and yet Paul says only men can preach.

I have taken solace over the years that God sent the Holy Spirit to update his message, but when I say this out loud people tell me I am a heretic for believing that the Holy Spirit is talking to me because she would never go against scripture.

I often think about the Samaritan woman at the well to whom Jesus offers a wellspring of "living water." To me he was talking about the Holy Spririt.

To me, living implies fresh. To stay fresh it must be ever flowing.

 

Susannah

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January 26, 2020

Someone asked . . . "What does God feel like to you?


As an emotion, it feels warm like sunshine. When I am depressed, it feels reassuring. When I pray it feels hopeful. When I am anxious it feels like serenity. When I do something wrong it feels like guilt. When I get instructions to do something it feels like urgency and sometimes I get a headache until I do it.

The Bible is full of metaphors which I love: wind, dove, comforter, counselor, gatekeeper. All of these metaphors make me feel good.

I am a very emotional person and this is how I get intimate with God. My favorite parts of the Bible are the scriptures that makes me feel closer to God. Scriptures about going to hell trigger my toxic shame and my depression. This is why I prefer the New Testament.

Of course God's love is best expressed in his grace which includes sending his son to save us. This makes me both sad and overjoyed.


 

Susannah

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January 26, 2020

My life is a series of transitions. Five years ago I lived in a nice two-bedroom apartment. Then I was homeless. Now I live in a room at my church with no shower or kitchen.

A few months ago, I turned off my television to enter into an intense prayer life. When I am not on the computer or doing something functional like eating dinner I pray.

I usually "ask only for his will for me and the power to carry that out," but now and then I ask for the safety of my son and a apartment with a shower.

On a serious note, prayer is my salvation. When I am communion with God I feel safe. I have PTSD so this is a wonderful thing.

I thank God for Jesus Christ and for his willingness to communicate with us through the Holy Spirit.

My most ardent prayer is the one you quote. Thank you.

"Thank goodness He causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

In all humility, I would like to believe I was called and that I answered the call. First, as part of the self-help movement and now here, which is a Christian sanctuary for me. Praise the Lord.
 

Susannah

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For those who like history. I was a devout sinner for 32 years. I even neglected my children. I got sober in 1982 in A.A. I have not had a drink since then.

Three months after joining AA, the Holy Spirit got me started in my prison ministry. I visited men and women in prison trying to help them get sober.

Three years later, I started working with love addicts and codependents. I still do this because it enhances my own recovery for these problems.

Since being homeless, I have been working as a Homeless Advocate.

Next month, I am going to join an organization that will let me mentor a foster child.

All this keeps me out of trouble . . .

I am very excited about finally being fully involved in my Christian faith. I have overcome my fear of being rejected by Christians because of the love and support I have received on this board.

I want to end with the word "namaste" which is Indian, but I just found out recently that it does not mean goodbye, it means hello. LOL So I will end with, "God bless you." Have a nice week . . .
 

Susannah

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I was discussing this with another member and wanted to see what others think about how the holy Spirit comes into our life.

I was taught that we are born with a soul that was pre-programed and that it is dormant or asleep. Then when the Holy Spirit is ready and we are ready (open-minded seeker) a switch turns on and we have a spiritual awakening. From then on the Holy Spirit communicates with us. We have feelings. We get instructions. We get discernment, etc.

Others have been telling me that the Holy Spirit comes to us like the wind. I guess it would be like breathing in the Holy Spirit. If this is true what part the brain play.

My son said the Holy Spirit works through our brain in the pineal gland which releases hormones like euphoria when awakened by the Holy Spirit.

So what to others think about this. I suppose it not really important as long as the Holy Spirit comes into our lives.
 

Susannah

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Yes. I believe the Holy Spirit is energy. Invisible like electricity but very noticeable like a light turning on.

In AA, Bill Wilson uses this analogy when he tries to explain a spiritual awakening to the agnostics. He said you turn on the light even though you really don't understand electricity. So turn to God even though you really don't understand everything yet.

My first experience was euphoria and energy and willingness. I went from depressed and impotent to suddenly reading, studying, doing what I needed to do to change.

My second experience brought me to Christ. I felt electricity in my brain and then a day later I believed in Christ an the resurrection.

I asked God why two experiences and he said he did not reveal Christ to me at first because he wanted me to work with addicts who were agnostics. But now I'm home and get to live in both worlds: Christian and self-help.


.
 
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Susannah

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I think Satan created addiction to try to pull us away from God. Addiction is close to idolatry. I am NOT trying to shame anyone. Regardless of the origins of addiction, once you are hooked you are ill not bad. And you need God to come into your life to help you. Just to be safe, also call in St. Michael, my patron saint.

I got out as the result of divine intervention. Now I am here trying to help others. My story is someone on this site.

What helped me the most of AA and Celebrate Recovery. They told me to just to modify my behavior and FOCUS on God. This worked for me. I was so far gone I needed a meeting of my peers everyday for years.
 

Susannah

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February 1, 2020

Yesterday someone on the board confronted me about my use of the female pronoun "she" when describing the Holy Spirt. They felt strongly that the Bible says God is a male.

I spent hours thinking and praying about this and I just wanted to post what I came up with in my journal.

When I was growing up people told me my personality was too masculine and I should try to be more feminine. So I became interested in the whole genre of masculine and feminine personality traits.

I was also lonely as a child and used my imagination to entertain myself. When I finally found God in 1982, I was still using my imagination to comfort myself while struggling with a very difficult life.

I read in the Bible that the Holy Spirit was called the Comforter and to me this sounded feminine. I am not saying it is, I am saying it just seemed that way to me at the time.

I got so much relief from this imagery that I started referring to the Holy Spirit as Spirit with some feminine characteristics.

In the 70's it was popular for writers to start using both feminine and male pronouns when writing. At first they tried he/she. Then they went back and fourth. Today, they have switched to using the plural "people" to refer to both male and female.

To make a long story short, since posting on this and another Christian forum, I was astonished to find out how many people get upset when I say, "she" and think I am talking about the physical manifestation of gender not personality traits. It was upsetting to me and I felt shamed for awhile.

Let me conclude by saying I respect everyone's opinion on this because our choice of how to imagine God has a lot to do with our relationship with our parents. My mother did not love me so it gave me comfort to see the HS as the ideal mother.

In the future I will not be writing about this, but I will still use "she" whenever I feel like it. It is all just semantics anyway. God is Spirit.

I am also going to take the advice of someone on this board and get my "female fix" by praying to St. Mary.

 

Susannah

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February 28, 2020

Before I write an article, I pray "make me an instrument of thy peace." If the writing then flows I believe it has been inspired. If it comes from just my ego it doesn't flow but it is an effort. I believe the Holy Spirit wants me to separate the wheat from the chaff---to keep the part of transpersonal [faith driven] psychology that helps modern men and women and to discourage the rest of psychology that goes against scripture.

When I asked the Holy Spirit why I have had so many diverse ideas and experiences, she said "You are in training. I have something for you to do. Write from the heart about what you have learned and about your salvation through Jesus Christ." I try to fulfill this mission, but I make mistakes. I am learning a lot from these threads. THANK YOU.

P.S. In 1985, I dreamed that God appeared to me and told me to write a book about a rock. I looked it up in the Concordance and the word rock was a metaphor for God. Last week I started writing my memoirs entitled Spirit. Pray for me to hear God's word clearly and without shame.

 

Susannah

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I had to post this. I could not help myself . . . This came up when I googled, "The Trinity." I am not alone!

 

Susannah

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My Spiritual Journey

It was not easy for me to totally accept spirituality or the concept of God. When I was young I stopped believing that God cared about me because he didn't seem to be answering my prayers. Then, when I was older, I became an agnostic. I didn't believe we could prove God existed, so I thought why bother with the whole issue at all.

Of course, sometimes I would acknowledge God as the power behind creation, but I could not see God as a source of love and power, or a spiritual being with whom I could interact. Surely, I thought, if God had been around at some point he had abandoned us.

In recovery, I once again thought about God after I started going to 12-step meetings. The pain in me life had begun to subside and I felt as if I had been raised to a new level of consciousness. I didn't know why, or how it had happened, but I was suddenly filled with hope about the future, and for some reason I intuitively connected this with God. I somehow knew that God was a strong force behind me recovery.

I also felt a deep urgency to become a better person, to pull myself out of the pit I had fallen into because of my addiction to love. I no longer felt that I was fine and that the rest of the world needed improving. Now, somehow, I knew that I was the one who had to change. I decided that this newfound hope and willingness to change was a gift from a benevolent force in the universe.

My newly acquired spirituality seemed both strange and fascinating at the same time. However, more than that, it piqued my curiosity and prompted me to seek out the source of all this benevolence. I wanted to say "thank you," and I wanted more. To find God, and to enhance me spirituality, I went to the library to do some research. I didn't want to go to church because I wasn't interested in religion. I just wanted to know more about God.

Reading about spirituality was very enlightening, and it helped me understand that I was not the only person seeking answers to questions about God. It became apparent to me through me reading that many people have come to believe in God, including some of the greatest thinkers who have ever lived.

Feeling that I was in good company with regard to my spiritual quest, I suddenly felt relieved of my hesitancy and embarrassment. This allowed my tender feelings for God to grow and bear fruit.

Then, shortly thereafter, I had a wonderful experience. I was sitting in my kitchen. Everything was clean and bright. My curtains were drawn and the sunlight poured through the window. I was thinking about God and then suddenly a feeling of well-being took over my consciousness. I felt peaceful and content. All of my fears disappeared. I felt as if everything in the universe was in order. I just suddenly knew that even the chaos of this world was part of God's plan, and that everything was being taken care of.

This serenity and trust was so exhilarating that I felt overwhelmed and grateful. I closed me eyes and basked in the warmth of the sun and the "peace of God which passes all understanding." (Phil 4:7)

To me, this spiritual experience was further evidence that God was real and that he or she loved me. Yet, for awhile it still seemed a bit disconcerting for me to feel all of this growing tenderness for an invisible spirit. All of me life I had known what it felt like to fall in love with a person, but falling in love with God was something else.

Despite my trepidation, I knew what was happening to me was wonderful, and I knew it was an experience to be cherished, not ignored. Like C.S. Lewis, I had been "surprised by joy."

To hold onto this new conscious contact with God, I began to talk to him/her as one might talk to a close friend. I did not really believe in petitioning God through prayer, so I just chatted away with an image of God that I created in my mind. I talked about my fears and my dreams. I talked about every subject under the sun. I said "good morning" and I said "goodnight." I said "thank you" for my newfound serenity. I just talked and talked until I really felt close to this power greater than myself.

I also imagined myself as a little child being held and comforted by God. Everywhere I went God went with me.

Of course, to me, this budding friendship with God was quite exciting. Since I was a compulsive talker, having a non-stop conversation with an invisible friend was really a lot of fun.

Then, one day I had another spiritual experience. I was looking at myself in the mirror and feeling horrible about my body. I had never liked the way I looked. Then suddenly, I felt overwhelmed with a feeling of being loved and accepted. This feeling was so powerful that I started to cry. Then I found myself sobbing and saying to God out loud, "You really don't care what I look like, do you?" "You really do love me just the way I am." Then I sensed in a deep way God's unconditional love for me, and I was overwhelmed that God's love went beyond an appraisal of me physical appearance ─ that it was unconditional.

When I stepped away from the mirror, I was still crying. I thought about how long I had waited for this type of acceptance and unconditional love. I thought about how I had looked for it from everyone I had ever loved and never found it. Now, finally, it had come from an unexpected source ─ from God and from within.

God's unconditional love validated me. This validation made up for the experience of being rejected by me parents when I was a child.
After learning that I was lovable, I was able to learn how to love myself. As my self-esteem rose, I was able, for the first time in me life, to experience loving me family and community.

Furthermore, I have come to realize that my spirituality is the energy that pulls me forward in recovery. It is the source of me willingness to change and grow; it is the strength that keeps me going; it is the gift of transformation from a power greater than myself.

In 2015, I had my next spiritual awakening. I felt a buzzing in my head. I fell asleep. When I woke up I felt differently. For first time in my life, I knew that Christ was real. He really lived on earth for awhile. He was more than a profit. He died on the cross for our sins. He was resurrected. He loved me. And he sent to Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me. Then I was told I was to go out into the world and serve him with my writings. The Holy Spirit would tell me what to say.

A week later, Satan showed up and I was evicted from my home. As a homeless woman, I helped other homeless people. When I found a room in a I church I started writing to people all over the world sharing what I knew about life and recovery from addiction. Once, I asked God why I was homeless and he said, "You are in training."

Today, God the Father, Christ the Son/Messiah, and Spirit, the Holy Spirit are an integral part of my life. My faith sustains me as Satan continues to break down my door. When he does, I pick myself off the ground and put him out. Right behind me is Saint Gabriel protecting me.

 
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Susannah

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I've been meditating for hours about my dilemma of trying to fit into this Christian forum. And what the Holy Spirit tells me is it in my heart I'm a true Quaker and need to go back to them. They believe that communication between God and his children is through the Holy Spirit which we get through meditation. Of course we need discernment to tell the difference between the voices in our head. Satan the Holy Spirit and our ego. We read the Bible but it's not as important to us as what we hear in the still quiet of our minds.

 

Susannah

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This is hard to talk about as it makes me sound crazy. I memorized the poem below in 1982 the year I got sober. I say it before I do something for the Lord. I have suspected for awhile that the changes in my brain [mania/headaches] are a spiritual cleansing because everyday I get less interested in myself and more interested in the world. I think perhaps I am finally living the last part of the prayer, "dying to self." I feel like something in me is dying and something is being re-born. Time will tell. Every day when I pray Spirit gives me something new to think about and then adds: "More shall be revealed."

My latest revelation is the hunger problem in Africa. I have always known about it, but I was not interested in donating to a large organization. I wanted to know the people I was donating too. Well that is happened. Pastor John has a orphanage and the children only get one bowl of mush a day. This upsets me and makes the American Experience less important to me. Even homeless people get some help in the U.S. In John's village there is no one helping the children except John and a handful of widows. Plus his wife who I have named Beloved because I can't pronounce her name in Swahili.

Here are pictures for you. Keep me in your prayers.

http://christianwomensunion.com/

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
 

Susannah

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I am worried about my orphans in Kenya. The locusts ate up all the food. We are trying to arrange transportation to a larger town. If you want to help here is the link with more information. This is a women's ministry but men are allowed to help. LOL

Orphans.jpg
 

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