Archives for July 2020

“Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” Romans 10: 11

People often confuse shame with guilt. They are not the same. Especially toxic shame. Guilt is taking responsibility for a wrong action and feeling remorseful. Shame is believing that you are a bad person for what you have done.

While I was growing up a common expression was: “You should be ashamed of yourself.” I always took this to mean I was bad person and going to hell. Then I concluded that if I was bad, I might as well stop trying to be good. So I gave into my base instincts to steal, lie, and hurt people.

Growing up thinking you are bad is a terrible burden. It becomes a self-fulling prophecy and can ruin your life. You can end up in prison. You can become depressed. You can become angry and take your pain out on others.

This is where I was at in 1982. I was drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I was neglecting my children. I had no hope that I could do anything good. I had so self-esteem. I actually hated myself.

Then I got suicidal and decided to drink myself to death. But God had other plans for me. He sent an angel by the name of Michael. He was kind to me and I started talking to him about my depression. One day I asked him if one could die of loneliness. He looked me in the eye and said, “yes.”

I burst out in tears. He leaned over and I could see the cross around his neck. Then he showed me a coin with the words, “Alcoholics Anonymous.” I did not know what to say so I left his office. The next day he asked me if I had gone to an AA meeting. I said, “No, I was afraid they would cure me.” This is when I realized I was addicted and hopeless. I was terrified of changing even though I new it would save my life.

A week latter, I went to an AA meeting. There was a person at the front of the table telling her story. To be honest, she was telling my story. She also talked about the power of God to heal alcoholism. I was so moved I went back every day for 25 years.

I had been sober about a month, when the Holy Spirit came to me and whispered in my ear, “Go to where they talk about God all the time.” I took this to mean I should go to church. I shopped around and ended up with the Quakers because they support women in the ministry.

One day, while sitting in church, the Holy Spirit came to me again. He said, “Susan: I love you. You are loveable. I forgive you for your transgressions and there is no reason for you to be ashamed anymore. You made mistakes but now you get a second chance to do things right.”

That was on November 7, 1982. Since then I have let go of the shame, although I still feel remorseful when I do something wrong. To compensate, I help others who struggle with shame and low self esteem. If you are someone suffering from shame consider the following.

1. Adopt an attitude of self-acceptance or self-love. This means really understanding that you are a worthy person despite your shortcomings. This will come when you surrender to Jesus Christ.

2. As part of your new positive thinking campaign, learn how to superimpose new information over your old negative tapes. (Negative tapes are all the hurtful and inappropriate things people said about you while you were growing up.) Tell yourself that Jesus died to reclaim you, and his opinion is all that matters.

3. Reclaim your self-respect — the pride or satisfaction that comes from:

o Self-discipline
o Being responsible
o Honoring your own value system (Christian values)

Self-respect, which is a kind of conditional love, does not necessarily contradict the notion that you should love yourself unconditionally. Both concepts are important to maintain self-esteem. You must try to find the balance between loving yourself unconditionally and pushing yourself to do things that will engender self-respect.

4. Surround yourself, whenever possible, with people who affirm you (people who like you just the way you are). Like it or not, your relationship with others can erode your self-esteem. So make a point of choosing your friends carefully. You did not have a choice about this as a child, but as an adult you are free to pick and choose most of your companions. This means going to church and spending time with your Christian friends.

5. Stop trying to be perfect. No one is perfect. We all live in the shadow of perfection and are perfectly imperfect. We should strive for that while accepting the fact that we never arrive because we are being perfected all the days of our lives.

6. Be charitable. Do nice things for other people. At the same time, there should be some balance in your life between taking care of yourself and being kind to others.

7. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are special in your own way and this is the attitude you must have about yourself.

8. Learn how to receive love. Some people are so ashamed they actually dismiss love when it becomes available. Let the love come in.

9. Make amends if you have hurt someone. If they are unavailable, make living amends to someone who is still here.

10. To protect your newfound self-esteem, prepare yourself mentally for those times when people try to drag you down (people you can’t avoid like co-workers). Learn how to keep from taking them so seriously, as well as how to filter out inappropriate criticism. Remember: Only Jesus knows the real you.

11. Some people just can’t wake up one day, after years of devaluing themselves, and suddenly know that they are worthy people. If this is true for you, you may need something to take the place of the mirroring of love that you did not get from your parents when you were growing up. You may need a dramatic shift in consciousness before you can practice self-acceptance. This shift in consciousness will occur when you reach out to our savior Jesus Christ. When you are loved by Jesus, it is sometimes easier to take a second look at yourself and conclude that you are a valuable and worthy person.

If you work very hard on this task of building up your self-esteem, it will dissipate your toxic shame and you will have taken a great step forward. Your life will change and you will be genuinely happy—perhaps for the first time in your life. And it gets better. There is no end to the happiness you will know when you love yourself and Jesus Christ.

“When the melancholic dejectedly desires to be rid of life, of himself, is this not because he will not learn earnestly and rigorously to love himself? When a man surrenders himself to despair because the world or some person has left him faithlessly betrayed, what then is his fault except that he does not love himself the right way.” Soren Kierkegaard in Works of Love.

Susan Peabody is the author of The Art of Changing published by Celestial Arts in Berkeley, California.

Anxiety and Depression:
The Dark Night of the Soul

Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here, while I go yonder and pray.” And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed. “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Matthew 25:36

I always read this story when I get anxious and depressed because it describes how I sometimes feel. Of course, I realize that the reasons I am depressed do not compare to the reasons Christ was “sorrowful,” but if you have ever suffered from severe, clinical depression you understand the comparison.

Depression, which almost always includes anxiety, has been around a long time and we still don’t understand it fully. The scientists say it is a physiological disorder and refer to it as clinical depression. For more about this, read the The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. The author discusses medication as a solution.

Those who dismiss this say the problem is rooted in a stressful, traumatic childhood. The answer is talk-therapy with a licensed, psychotherapist.

Those who are prejudiced (afraid of depression) say, “It is all in your head. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

I believe that depressed people should explore both talk therapy and medication (with the help of professionals) and also diminish any self-pity they might have with positive thinking. (For more about this approach read Feeling Good by David Burns.) However, I also believe that Christians have another obligation when it comes to treating depression—surrendering it to God as Christ did in the Garden of Gethsemane.

What does surrendering our depression actually mean? Well let’s look at what Christ did. His first act was to go to a quiet place to pray. But he did not go alone. He took his best friends. I too call upon my friends when I first get depressed, and they do bring me some solace. However, like Christ, I often find them useless when the depression is really bad, because they really don’t know how to help me. When that happens I just go to bed for awhile.

In bed, I begin bargaining with God just as Christ did. “Take this cup from me,” I pray. “I am tired of being depressed. It has been going on too long. I feel like the weight of the world in on my shoulders. I do not understand why I am depressed. I don’t want to be depressed. Why is this happening to me?” Eventually the self-pity wanes and I go to sleep with a prayer of surrender and acceptance on my lips—“Thy will be done,” I say. “I love you. Give me strength.”

When I wake up the next day, getting out of bed feels like being whisked off to Caiaphas—although I am actually just going off to work. But off I go. I get out of bed. I fix myself breakfast. I get in the car and drive to work. I know if I can just get through the next few hours the heavy blanket of depression will be lifted to some degree.

Why do I tell you all of this? I want everyone out there who suffers from depression to know that you are not alone. Our numbers are legion. And there is hope. For years I was depressed to the point of being suicidal Today, I am a high-functioning, sometimes-depressed person. And while I do not know if my depression is manageable because I see a therapist once a week or take medication, I do know the strength to face my depression, and bear it, is a direct result of my personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Jesus has filled my heart with love for him and his endless sympathy for my condition. Most of all, he has helped me understand that I must courageously bear my sorrow, just as he did in the garden. I must turn my “eyes upon Jesus” and “look full in His wonderful face.” And when I do, “the things of earth . . . grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.” (Words and music by Helen H. Lemmel)

To treat depression I recommend the following . . .

1. Practice positive thinking. Replace all negative thoughts with positive ones. There are a lot of books about how to do this. My favorite is The Power of Positive Thinking.

2. Avoid self-pity. Self concern for brief periods when things are tough is ok. But don’t get stuck in self-pity.

3. Be grateful. Gratitude is not an emotion, it is an “attitude.” Think about the good things in your life. Thank some kind of higher power for the basics in your life. Gratitude when things are going wrong is the best kind of gratitude.

4. Pray and meditate often. “Be still and know that I am God.” Imagine yourself in the arms of God.

5. Find someone in worse shape than you and try to help them. This always lifts my spirits.

6. Find a therapist, what I call an “enlightened witness” to help you heal from past trauma or “family of origin” issues. Once you have gone over the pain of your past, vent with your therapist or pastor each week. If you can’t afford therapy find a friend to be your “enlightened witness.” End each session with a brief list of what you are grateful for.

7 Talk to your doctor about anti-depressants. You may have to experiment to find the right one.

8. Get out of bed even if you don’t want to. If you can, get out of the house.

9. Bathe even if you don’t want to. Phone a friend. If you don’t have one, find one.

10. Love yourself unconditionally. You are a child of God. You are special. Embrace this attitude even if you have to fake it at first.

If your depression is related to a situation like a death or loss of some kind, it will eventually pass. If it is a chemical imbalance seek treatment. Most addicts are treating their depression with some kind of substance or behavior that becomes an addiction. This will make you more depressed, so I recommend recovery.

What do children really want from their parents? Children want a lot of things, but what they want most is for their parents to be happy. It makes them feel safe and secure. Unhappy parents frighten children. Young children do not have a fully developed sense of self. So they tend to feel what their parents feel. If their parents are angry or sad, they feel the same way. Sometimes the children blame themselves for their parents’ unhappiness and conclude that it is their fault. I call this: “Mom sad; me bad.” This can occur through eye contact and role modeling. Low self-esteem and shame are also a problem. It is like a virus, and your children can catch this virus from you.

So work on whatever is bothering you. Turn to the Lord for help and guidance. Do whatever you have to do to change and become a Christ-centered and joyful parent. You do not have to do this forever, although it would be great if you do. At some point, the children will be able to separate their own sense of security and self-worth from that of their parents. But not when they are young.

My Son’s Prayer
1982​

When I had been sober for awhile, I was talking to my thirteen-year old son about my new found love of God. He nodded his head as I was talking, and for some reason I felt compelled to ask him if he believed in God. He replied, “Sure.”

I was a little surprised because he had never mentioned this to me before. I was very curious and pursued the matter. I asked him when he had started believing in God. He replied nonchalantly, “About a year ago.”

“What brought on this newfound faith?” I inquired. At this point, he hesitated. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I pressured him a little, because I really wanted to know. “How did it happen?” I said softly.

He looked at me a minute, trying to read my face. Finally, he shrugged and said, “Well, I asked him for something and he gave it to me. I guess I’ve believed in him ever since.” I was really on the edge of my chair now. I asked him what he had requested of God. He balked at this question and whined, “It’s personal, mom.”

I told him that I didn’t want to invade his privacy, and I certainly wouldn’t force him to tell me about it, but I really wanted to know. After another hesitation, he finally said. “Well, mom, about a year ago you were drunk and screaming at sis and me and then you sat down on the floor and started crying. You were rocking back and forth, and it really scared me. I didn’t know what to do, so I went into my room and I asked God to please help you.

Right after that. you got into AA and went to church, and really started to change. I guess I have believed in God ever since. He gave me what I asked for.”

I couldn’t say anything, but I hugged my son as the tears ran down my face. Miracles really do happen and in his own way my son had experienced a spiritual awakening. I have had many special moments since turning my will and my life over to the care of God, but that conversation with my son was one of the best.