Susannah

Scripture describes Judas as a thief (John 12:6). As I think about the small community of disciples migrating around the Holy Land, I can’t help but believe that this little larceny had to become noticeable at some point. And yet Judas was never pushed out of the inner circle.

Some may believe that this is because Christ needed someone to betray him and Judas was chosen for this task. I, for what it’s worth, don’t believe God would set anyone up this way. I believe Judas made this choice himself. If I am right, and Christ did not need Judas to fulfill prophecy, why did he keep him around?

I believe Christ let Judas stay because he loved him as much as he loved the other disciples. Why? Because Judas was more than a one-dimensional character. He was more than a thief and Christ knew this. He was a complicated and conflicted person who loved Christ and yet stole from him and betrayed him during a moment of weakness.

This revelation is important to me because I have always suffered from “all or nothing” thinking. I was either well on my way to being perfect, or I was lost. I was either good or bad. I was either with Christ or against him. My whole life I have suffered from this kind of thinking and I need to believe that there is hope for me as a “work in progress.” Because I am Judas. I sin. I am complicated. And yet Christ still loves me. He has given me an open invitation to live in the inner circle—to be a Christian and beloved of Christ.

In the Bible, the story of Judas ends with his suicide. If he had lived I believe that Christ would have accepted him back into the inner circle. Good news for a sinner and wanderer such as myself. Perhaps you can take heart as well.

Susannah [Susan Peabody] now has her own site. https://christianliberals.boards.net/

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:38

Codependency implies that someone is loving their partner in an unhealthy way. Christians in recovery for codependency, who believe strongly in Christian ideals, are confused at first. They want to know if recovery means disowning such Christian concepts as sacrifice, unselfishness, dying to self, loving thy neighbor, putting yourself last, laying down your life, and staying married “as long as you both shall live.”

They also find that some Christian ideals are hard to understand. At first glance, they seem contradictory, confusing, or inconsistent with the concepts of recovery from codependency. Because of this, some recovering codependents are tempted to abandon Christianity altogether. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Christian codependents just need to be willing to sort the wheat from the chaff; to look more deeply into the meaning of Christian ideals and to make personal decisions about how to integrate them into their intimate relationships.

One of the most common mistakes codependents make is to confuse Christian love [agape] with romantic love. Christian love, what Kierkegaard calls “eternal” love, is the love of God, ourselves, and our neighbor. This love operates under its own principles or laws. It is of God. It is unconditional. It is forever. It causes no pain, but can only fulfill us. When given away, it comes back to us, somewhere along the way.

Romantic love operates from a different set of laws or principles. It is object-oriented or based on “passionate preference” (attraction). It promises “forever” but rarely delivers. It can be euphoric, but it can also turn to hate; and for all the pleasure it brings, it also fosters suspicion, jealousy, despair and anxiety.

When codependents do not understand the difference between agape and romantic love, they often try to use spiritual love to promote romantic love. For instance, St. Francis of Assisi said that “it is in giving that we receive.” This implies that if we give love we will receive love in return. This is true. The Christian love we give away does come back to us, not necessarily from the people we give it to or at the exact time we want it to be returned, but eventually it does come back to us through other people we meet along the path of life and from God.

However, this spiritual principle of giving love to receive love does not work with romantic love. When codependents don’t understand this, they fall in love with someone who does not return their affection and suffer for a long period of time hoping that the spiritual principle of giving love to receive love will begin to work its magic and their faithfulness will be rewarded.

Also, codependents will take care of their partner only to find themselves receiving more contempt than love or gratitude in return. They see as much “biting the hand that feeds them” as they see love begetting love. This is because giving love to receive love does not work with romantic love. Romantic love requires attraction or passion, and spiritual love cannot make this happen. It just has to happen on its own.

Christianity also teaches us the concept of “dying to self” or being unselfish. To many people this sounds like an order to abandon themselves in order to focus on meeting the needs of others. Many Christians recovering from their codependency struggle with this concept of “dying to self.” They don’t want to ignore it, and yet it seems contradictory to their attempt to build up their self-esteem. I usually tell these recovering codependents that when asked by a scribe to proclaim God’s most important commandment, Christ replied “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it. You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:38-39).

Note that this commandment does not say to love yourself less than your neighbor, but to love others as much as you love yourself. This implies that love for others should be in balance with self-love. Kierkegaard puts it this way: “You shall love yourself in the right way…proper self-love . . . .” It is selfish, he says, not to be willing “to love oneself in the right way.”

Based on this important commandant, I believe that total self-abandonment is only for those who aspire to sainthood; and for the rest of us who are not destined for this, it is all right to understand the Christian tenet of “dying to self” as a guideline for people who are in the habit of putting themselves above others—people with inflated egos whose self-centeredness has shut out God as well as others. For such people, “dying to self” is a good idea, if it is taken to mean moving away from total self-absorption.

Christian codependents must understand that there is both a negative and positive aspect to selfishness. The positive part allows them to love, cherish and take care of themselves; to have self-esteem. The negative side of selfishness puts their needs ahead of others at all times. Christian codependents in recovery must learn to enhance the positive side of selfishness and put the negative side into perspective. They can be unselfish when it is appropriate to do so, and they take care of themselves when that is appropriate.

Codependents like to believe that when they make sacrifices they are being unselfish. Well, sometimes they are and sometimes they aren’t. To tell the difference, recovering codependents must learn to look at their motives for making sacrifices, because the act of being unselfish is not as important as the spiritual condition of the giver. Unhealthy motives include attempts to buy love, build up self-esteem, bolster insecurity, dissipate guilt, or abate fear. Healthy motives include love and kindness: feelings that originate from self-esteem and spill over into the lives of others.

How do you sort out healthy motivations from unhealthy ones? This process requires honesty and an insight into the codependent personality. Such perception is difficult, if not impossible, if codependents are still clinging to distorted values, thoughts and behavior. However, after recovery has begun, an honest look into one’s motivation can help put things into perspective.

Many codependents read passages in the Bible about suffering, and they apply this to their marriage or romantic relationship. “Love bears all things . . . endures all things.” (1 Cor 13:7) When they are abused they feel martyred, but they accept their punishment in the name of love.

These recovering codependents are confused. They are confusing accepting hardship with seeking it out. Jean-Pierre de Caussade makes this distinction in his book ” Abandonment to Divine Providence.” He says a good Christian ” . . . .accepts cheerfully all the troubles they meet and submit to God’s will in all that they have to do or suffer, without in any way seeking out trouble for themselves.”

It is true that if you are in a relationship you must sometimes endure hardship. For instance, if your partner gets ill you will have to endure hard times and make sacrifices. However, this sort of suffering is different from allowing yourself to be beaten up or trying to live with an alcoholic who is incapable of participating in a loving partnership. In recovery, Christian codependents need to understand this. They must avoid martyring themselves in a relationship and thinking that this is the Christian thing to do.

One of the most difficult Christian ideals to clarify for recovering codependents, is Christ’s suggestion that in a marriage “the two shall become one.” (Mark 10:8) The King James version uses the phrase “one flesh.” Does this mean that we are to have no personality boundaries? Does this mean we must give up our individuality in order to be in a relationship? I don’t think so. I believe that Christ is just making the point that a marriage should be a team effort. A team is made up of individuals working together for a common goal.

Being a team does not necessarily require the fusion of both partners. Nor does it require that one partner abandon herself to become an imitation of the other. It just means that both partners share their uniqueness with each other. They work, share, love, and grow together (perhaps they serve God together), but they retain their sense of self. They continue being the child of God they were created to be while joining forces with another individual.

In no way do I want to disparage or abandon Christian ideals. They are precious to me, but my life has taught me that sometimes they have to be put into perspective. I tried to be a good Christian for most of my life, and in the process I lost myself. Then in 1982 the Holy Spirit came to me and quoted Shakespeare: “To thy own self be true, and then it follows like night the day that you can be false to no man.” To this I add: God loves me and wants me to be happy. He did not create me to abandon myself. He created me to serve him. I can only do this if I love myself as much as I love others.

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”  John 14:6

How I have struggled all of my life with these words. Why? Because I did not understand them. Intellectually, I could agree that Christ was worth worshiping, and I was  happy to do so. However, on an emotional level, I also had a problem with the idea of “one way. ”

Why not many paths to God? What would the harm be? What about all the good people who do not accept Christ?  So year after year I wondered, “Why must we go through Christ?” And I did not keep my angst to myself either. I shouted from the rooftops. “I don’t get it.” But deep down I wanted to “get it.” I wanted so much for it to make sense and to believe it. I wanted to be a Christian in the fullest sense of the word. Everyone I loved  believed that Christ was the only way. What was wrong with me?

One day, I was talking with my son Karl about how I did not understand why Christ was the only way, and he said, “Mom, there are two worlds—heaven and earth. They exist together like two dimensions. One world is pure and the other world is contaminated with sin. The worlds must remain separate so that the purity and sin do not mingle. Whether you like it or not, there is only one entrance between these two worlds and it is Christ”

He continued: “We could not even see the entrance if he were not there. It is invisible. To get to the other side, we must pass through him, because in the process we are purified. We must be purified so we will not contaminate the other world that we are about to enter. Part of the cleansing process is to be washed in his blood.” Karl then took his hands and washed his face of imaginary blood that somehow I could see as clearly as anything.

I closed my eyes and I could see what Karl was trying to tell me. I began to imagine that I was standing alone at the edge of a vast desert. I am lonely. I am afraid. I am stained with sin. I have heard of another world—a better world—and I want to go there so badly. Then suddenly Christ appears and tells me that behind him is the place I want to go. “But you must walk through me,” he says with a grave look on his face. “I am the way.” “Trust me,” he says.

In my vision, I  take a step toward him and he motions me to stop. “First you must take this basin of blood and wash yourself.” It is the blood of my crucifixion and it will cleanse you of your sins. Only my blood can do this because I am without sin. Come, I am the way.” Suddenly Christ becomes translucent. I realize this is how he must have looked at the Transfiguration on the mountain with Peter, James and John. Then, I wash my face in the basin of blood he gives me and pass through him to the other side. I am ready for the truth and the life.

“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” Shawshank Redemtion, Stephen King

Most people think hope is a feeling that comes when they are optimistic about the future or whatever is going on their lives. But I believe we can reinforce that optimism with activity. When we give a dollar to the homeless we can then believe that someone will help us when we are down and out because we all know what goes around comes around. Or, at least, that God will be pleased and that gives us hope.

If you believe you can magnify the hope that you already have, then you can do the following:

1. Spend time thinking about hope and asking for what little hope you have to grow.

2. Water the little seeds of hope with positive thoughts.

3. Help others with their little sprouts of hope. Reassure them. Pray with them.

4. Do something with your hope. Talk about it. Write about it. Spread the word that hope is alive and well within you.

5. Watch movies about hope. My favorite movie is The Shawshank Redemption. Faith, Hope, Love is a great movie.

6. If tragedy strikes, believe that things will get better even if you don’t feel like it will. When I was homeless I actually heard a voice in my head say: “Get out of bed and do something.” As soon as I got up I felt better. I walked down the street and met other homeless people who were worse off than me. It was exhilerating to find out I was not alone.

7. If you are grieving for a loved one, find a support group to share you pain. After you have shared comfort the others in the room. As they say in AA: “To keep it you must give it away.”

8. Stay in touch with God when you are struggling. Ask him for comfort and wisdom.

9. Treat your depression even if it means anti-depressants for awhile.

Hope is like a seedling. It needs water and sunshine to grow. The water may be your tears but the sunshine comes when you open the window of your pain and let the sun shine in. Where Love Abides, Susan Peabody.

I had a dream once about God. He was sitting at the head of a conference table talking about me to his angels. Suddenly he got a sad look on his face. He said, “I just don’t understand why Susannah worries so much. I have always taken care of her. She has always had a roof over her head and food to eat. I have always comforted her during a time of crisis. Why does she still worry so much? You would think that she would have more faith in me.”

I woke up and felt guilty. After that I tried to worry less and internalize my faith more deeply.

Faith is a mysterious emotion. It is kind of like confidence. We feel intuitively during a crisis that everything will work itself out in the end. It is kind of like serenity. We feel peaceful. It is kind of like intimacy. We feel close to God. It is kind of like humility. We feel frail next to the power of God. It is kind of like awe. We feel such admiration for God. It is kind of like awareness. We feel the truth deep in our soul. It is kind of like joy. We are so happy to be loved. Faith is like all these things. But it is still mysterious.

How do you get faith? It is a gift. You ask for it and then act “as if” you have it. It comes to you the size of an acorn and grows into a great tree draping its branches around your life. If it fades away, you set aside everything you are doing to find it and bring it back into your life.

What do you do with faith? You enjoy it and you share it with others. You guard it carefully. It is your most valuable possession. When others are in trouble, who have less faith than you, you bolster them up with affirmations. You tell them how time and time again God has seen you through a crisis. You share with them how everything good in your life has come from God. Then you stand in for God. You act as an emissary and help these people in any way you can. When you part, you don’t say, “I love you,” you say, “God loves you. Have faith in him.”

When you pray, pray for faith. Everything else is in God’s hands. He will decide what is best for you. He will determine how long you are to suffer. He will determine the source of all your income. He will put the right people in your life and take the wrong ones out. If you attempt to do this yourself, you will make mistakes. Let God do it all. Just ask for faith so that you can relax while God is controlling your life.

As you grow old, thank God for your faith. So many people suffer because they do not have it. Have compassion for these people and praise the Lord for blessing you.