Susannah's Corner

Anxiety and Depression:
The Dark Night of the Soul

Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here, while I go yonder and pray.” And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed. “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Matthew 25:36

I always read this story when I get anxious and depressed because it describes how I sometimes feel. Of course, I realize that the reasons I am depressed do not compare to the reasons Christ was “sorrowful,” but if you have ever suffered from severe, clinical depression you understand the comparison.

Depression, which almost always includes anxiety, has been around a long time and we still don’t understand it fully. The scientists say it is a physiological disorder and refer to it as clinical depression. For more about this, read the The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. The author discusses medication as a solution.

Those who dismiss this say the problem is rooted in a stressful, traumatic childhood. The answer is talk-therapy with a licensed, psychotherapist.

Those who are prejudiced (afraid of depression) say, “It is all in your head. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

I believe that depressed people should explore both talk therapy and medication (with the help of professionals) and also diminish any self-pity they might have with positive thinking. (For more about this approach read Feeling Good by David Burns.) However, I also believe that Christians have another obligation when it comes to treating depression—surrendering it to God as Christ did in the Garden of Gethsemane.

What does surrendering our depression actually mean? Well let’s look at what Christ did. His first act was to go to a quiet place to pray. But he did not go alone. He took his best friends. I too call upon my friends when I first get depressed, and they do bring me some solace. However, like Christ, I often find them useless when the depression is really bad, because they really don’t know how to help me. When that happens I just go to bed for awhile.

In bed, I begin bargaining with God just as Christ did. “Take this cup from me,” I pray. “I am tired of being depressed. It has been going on too long. I feel like the weight of the world in on my shoulders. I do not understand why I am depressed. I don’t want to be depressed. Why is this happening to me?” Eventually the self-pity wanes and I go to sleep with a prayer of surrender and acceptance on my lips—“Thy will be done,” I say. “I love you. Give me strength.”

When I wake up the next day, getting out of bed feels like being whisked off to Caiaphas—although I am actually just going off to work. But off I go. I get out of bed. I fix myself breakfast. I get in the car and drive to work. I know if I can just get through the next few hours the heavy blanket of depression will be lifted to some degree.

Why do I tell you all of this? I want everyone out there who suffers from depression to know that you are not alone. Our numbers are legion. And there is hope. For years I was depressed to the point of being suicidal Today, I am a high-functioning, sometimes-depressed person. And while I do not know if my depression is manageable because I see a therapist once a week or take medication, I do know the strength to face my depression, and bear it, is a direct result of my personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Jesus has filled my heart with love for him and his endless sympathy for my condition. Most of all, he has helped me understand that I must courageously bear my sorrow, just as he did in the garden. I must turn my “eyes upon Jesus” and “look full in His wonderful face.” And when I do, “the things of earth . . . grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.” (Words and music by Helen H. Lemmel)

To treat depression I recommend the following . . .

1. Practice positive thinking. Replace all negative thoughts with positive ones. There are a lot of books about how to do this. My favorite is The Power of Positive Thinking.

2. Avoid self-pity. Self concern for brief periods when things are tough is ok. But don’t get stuck in self-pity.

3. Be grateful. Gratitude is not an emotion, it is an “attitude.” Think about the good things in your life. Thank some kind of higher power for the basics in your life. Gratitude when things are going wrong is the best kind of gratitude.

4. Pray and meditate often. “Be still and know that I am God.” Imagine yourself in the arms of God.

5. Find someone in worse shape than you and try to help them. This always lifts my spirits.

6. Find a therapist, what I call an “enlightened witness” to help you heal from past trauma or “family of origin” issues. Once you have gone over the pain of your past, vent with your therapist or pastor each week. If you can’t afford therapy find a friend to be your “enlightened witness.” End each session with a brief list of what you are grateful for.

7 Talk to your doctor about anti-depressants. You may have to experiment to find the right one.

8. Get out of bed even if you don’t want to. If you can, get out of the house.

9. Bathe even if you don’t want to. Phone a friend. If you don’t have one, find one.

10. Love yourself unconditionally. You are a child of God. You are special. Embrace this attitude even if you have to fake it at first.

If your depression is related to a situation like a death or loss of some kind, it will eventually pass. If it is a chemical imbalance seek treatment. Most addicts are treating their depression with some kind of substance or behavior that becomes an addiction. This will make you more depressed, so I recommend recovery.

What do children really want from their parents? Children want a lot of things, but what they want most is for their parents to be happy. It makes them feel safe and secure. Unhappy parents frighten children. Young children do not have a fully developed sense of self. So they tend to feel what their parents feel. If their parents are angry or sad, they feel the same way. Sometimes the children blame themselves for their parents’ unhappiness and conclude that it is their fault. I call this: “Mom sad; me bad.” This can occur through eye contact and role modeling. Low self-esteem and shame are also a problem. It is like a virus, and your children can catch this virus from you.

So work on whatever is bothering you. Turn to the Lord for help and guidance. Do whatever you have to do to change and become a Christ-centered and joyful parent. You do not have to do this forever, although it would be great if you do. At some point, the children will be able to separate their own sense of security and self-worth from that of their parents. But not when they are young.

My Son’s Prayer
1982​

When I had been sober for awhile, I was talking to my thirteen-year old son about my new found love of God. He nodded his head as I was talking, and for some reason I felt compelled to ask him if he believed in God. He replied, “Sure.”

I was a little surprised because he had never mentioned this to me before. I was very curious and pursued the matter. I asked him when he had started believing in God. He replied nonchalantly, “About a year ago.”

“What brought on this newfound faith?” I inquired. At this point, he hesitated. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I pressured him a little, because I really wanted to know. “How did it happen?” I said softly.

He looked at me a minute, trying to read my face. Finally, he shrugged and said, “Well, I asked him for something and he gave it to me. I guess I’ve believed in him ever since.” I was really on the edge of my chair now. I asked him what he had requested of God. He balked at this question and whined, “It’s personal, mom.”

I told him that I didn’t want to invade his privacy, and I certainly wouldn’t force him to tell me about it, but I really wanted to know. After another hesitation, he finally said. “Well, mom, about a year ago you were drunk and screaming at sis and me and then you sat down on the floor and started crying. You were rocking back and forth, and it really scared me. I didn’t know what to do, so I went into my room and I asked God to please help you.

Right after that. you got into AA and went to church, and really started to change. I guess I have believed in God ever since. He gave me what I asked for.”

I couldn’t say anything, but I hugged my son as the tears ran down my face. Miracles really do happen and in his own way my son had experienced a spiritual awakening. I have had many special moments since turning my will and my life over to the care of God, but that conversation with my son was one of the best.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

Transformation is a gift—grace. Change occurs when we learn certain lessons about life and put these lessons to good use—when we make decisions about how to think and act that alter our course for the better. This makes us better Christians.

Once we have been transformed and changed, it is time to teach others—to help them learn the lessons we have learned. I only wish the woman I am today could reach back in time and teach the young woman I was. I would try to help her see what is so clear to me now. That human love is important, but not that important. That the love of God is more fulfilling than I could ever have imagined. That loving myself is not a sin. That we are not alone. That there are what Joseph Campbell calls “invisible hands,” which come to our aid when we are ready to change.

My mission for that last 38 years has been to write about change and offer my readers what I could not give the young woman I once was—lessons. These lessons can easily be applied to anyone who is experiencing his or her own metamorphosis.

Transformation and change is a process which can be summed up as follows.

(1) First and foremost, we must have a complete change of attitude—a submission to the natural transformation process. This new attitude is a gift of the Holy Spirit and it is ours for the asking.

(2) We must develop a personal relationship with God and an invite the Holy Spirit into our lives.

(3) We must inventory the behaviors we want to change and painstakingly change them. This also involves grace, for only the Holy Spirit has power over sin.

(4) We must make amends to anyone we have hurt and pray for their forgiveness.

(5) If our transformation gets stalled it is okay to ask for counseling but only if what we learn is put to good use.

(6) We must find a community. This community is both a metaphorical and physical place. Metaphorically, it is that place in our hearts where our souls resided before the trauma of our childhood and where today we are free and unblemished spirits unencumbered by our fears and illusions. Literally, it is the church where we can incorporate the disciplines of prayer, meditation, confession, study, submission, and worship into our lives—all the things that support our new life in Christ.

(7) Finally, when we are ready, it is important to pass on the gifts we have received and the lessons we have learned. To reach out those who have not yet found Christ. To talk to them and be an example. To treat them with compassion as Christ treats us. To give to them what we did not get a children but finally found from God. This will keep our own transformation from eroding.

I have a friend in Africa who takes care of orphans. His name is Pastor John. Life is simple there. There is a lot of focus on finding food each day.

John’s parents died of AIDS when he was two years old. He was raised by a window in the village. Lately, he has been depressed. I told him I was a counselor and he did not know what that meant. Therapy is not available where he lives.

I want to help me talk about his feelings. Like most men, he wants to pretend everything is all right even though he is depressed. He told me today he feels stronger because he knows I have his back.

It is so simple to help people even if you have no money. Just open your heart and listen to the pain world wide. God will tell you what to say.

I had this same experience with the homeless where I live. I offer them money and sometimes they say, “I do not need your money, I just need to know that someone cares.” I have also been told, “I need your energy.” “I need your prayers.” “I need your blessing.” “I need you to ask me my name.”

As Christians we are commanded to love our neighbor. We do not need money to do that.

Remember that loving our neighbor is not just a suggestion. It is a commandment. “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” John 15:12

All my life I have been looking for love to make up for the attention I did not get as a child. I dreamed and fantasized about growing up and finding the right man to make me happy. It never occurred to me that love was waiting for me if I just looked in the right place.

I believe in this world today we are too dependent on human love to find the happiness we deserve. That kind of love has its place. But it is not nearly as fulfilling as the love between you and Christ (agape). Why?

Agape is real; it is never the result of our imagination.

Agape fills us up; human love is just dessert.

Agape does not change; it lasts forever.

Agape can change you for the better.

Agape comforts, inspires and guides us.

Agape is the only comfort we have when our world falls apart.

Agape love for us knows no limits.

Agape is not fickle. It can be shared with all without jealousy.

Agape is not possessive; we can still love others.

Agape is the only love worth dying for.

Agape came into my life in 1982. Then in 2015 it was transformed into a Christian journey. It has not been easy but it has made me happy and changed my life.

If you have ever been hurt by human love, please remember that agape will never, ever, be anything but exquisite.