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Addiction in my family

mizlife

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My mother is currently in bondage of three types of addiction - smoking, alcohol and gambling. The first two for most of my life (i.e. almost 40yrs), the third i.e. gambling in the last 10yrs but has progressively become worse and worse as the years go on. She professes to be Christian. I love her more than she will ever understand. Her addictions have strained my own relationship with her which had been wonderful in the early years, but now she has become more emotionally and verbally abusive towards me (especially when she is intoxicated) to the point where I am feeling deflated and hurt. I'm Christian too and it's only by the grace of God that I can still love and honour my mother even though many times I feel hurt by her.
I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on this scenario. My mother asked if she could borrow a large sum of money from me in order to make repayments to her credit card which she uses to gamble. This was the first time she has asked me for financial help and promised me that it is a loan and that she will 100% pay me back. She still works full time and have always been good with her money (i.e. she's a chartered accountant, successful career woman with many property investments etc), so her request not only surprised me but bothered me. Basically, I am not comfortable giving her any money that would in any way enable her to carry on this gambling addiction. She knows it's wrong, she 'hates it' and wants it out of her life, but can't take any practical steps in overcoming it nor ask for any type of help/support from us or externally. She still obviously likes doing it and is in total ignorance regarding the harm it's causing her and our family. Everytime I try to lovingly tell her God's truth about the subject (not demeaning her or disrespecting her), she immediately shuts me down and belittles me. When she is drunk there is no winning and reasoning with her. There are times when I've had to hang up the phone as she yells profanities at me, when she feels like I treat her like she's a child or an idiot etc. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love my mother so much, I just want her set free from this bondage!
Question for anyone reading this. Would you lend her the money to cover her gambling debt? Is it wrong or 'mean' if I choose not to do it? I used to buy her cigarettes from the airport whenever I travelled overseas, but I stopped as I could no longer consciously support her smoking habit. I am sort of at a loss and leaning to God for His wisdom on this.
Thanks for your time.
 
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stovebolts

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Hi and welcome.
First, I’m sorry your going through this. One day she will realize how lucky she is to have somebody love her as much as you do.

I’m not you, but if I were in that situation I would tell my Mother that I love her too much to loan her the money and leave it at that.
 

Free

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Welcome to the forums!

I second what stovebolts said. It wouldn't be mean and could potentially be a catalyst for her to stop gambling. If you bail her out, she is much less likely to learn her lesson. If she is an accountant and has investment properties, she has more than enough at her disposal to pay off her debt. Something needs to happen for her to put a plan in place.

Besides, what are the chances that she actually does pay you back in the future, if she is unwilling now to figure out how to use her own resources to pay off the debt? If she can eventually pay you back, she can also eventually pay off the card.
 

stovebolts

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Welcome to the forums!

I second what stovebolts said. It wouldn't be mean and could potentially be a catalyst for her to stop gambling. If you bail her out, she is much less likely to learn her lesson. If she is an accountant and has investment properties, she has more than enough at her disposal to pay off her debt. Something needs to happen for her to put a plan in place.

Besides, what are the chances that she actually does pay you back in the future, if she is unwilling now to figure out how to use her own resources to pay off the debt? If she can eventually pay you back, she can also eventually pay off the card.
Growing up poor, I learned the hard way that if I couldn’t afford to give money away, I didn’t loan it.

Why? Because when your poor and your friends are poor, we’ll, they are borrowing for a reason.

Life is a challenge when your living on the financial edge and things out of our control happen. It’s not that I didn’t trust my friends and family, I do. However, if something came up and they couldn’t pay me back, I had to make sure I could absorb the hit without missing my own rent, utilities or gas.
 

for_his_glory

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Hi mizlife and welcome to CF :)

It is so hard to deal with a family member, especially when you love them so much and seeing them walking a bad path of addictions. First I too would like to say, do not enable your mother with any money to pay her credit card. She hopefully will learn a lesson, no doubt the hard way, going into debt feeding her addictions when she has no more money to support them. Hopefully it would be a wake up call for her. Her being an alcoholic, she is not going to listen to you or anyone which is sad as it only makes her angry. All you can truly do is to be there for her, loving her and praying for her, but without helping her financially. I'm sure she knows she needs to stop these addictions, but there is nothing anyone can do until she decides to seek the help she needs.
 

Dorothy Mae

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My mother is currently in bondage of three types of addiction - smoking, alcohol and gambling. The first two for most of my life (i.e. almost 40yrs), the third i.e. gambling in the last 10yrs but has progressively become worse and worse as the years go on. She professes to be Christian. I love her more than she will ever understand. Her addictions have strained my own relationship with her which had been wonderful in the early years, but now she has become more emotionally and verbally abusive towards me (especially when she is intoxicated) to the point where I am feeling deflated and hurt. I'm Christian too and it's only by the grace of God that I can still love and honour my mother even though many times I feel hurt by her.
I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on this scenario. My mother asked if she could borrow a large sum of money from me in order to make repayments to her credit card which she uses to gamble. This was the first time she has asked me for financial help and promised me that it is a loan and that she will 100% pay me back. She still works full time and have always been good with her money (i.e. she's a chartered accountant, successful career woman with many property investments etc), so her request not only surprised me but bothered me. Basically, I am not comfortable giving her any money that would in any way enable her to carry on this gambling addiction. She knows it's wrong, she 'hates it' and wants it out of her life, but can't take any practical steps in overcoming it nor ask for any type of help/support from us or externally. She still obviously likes doing it and is in total ignorance regarding the harm it's causing her and our family. Everytime I try to lovingly tell her God's truth about the subject (not demeaning her or disrespecting her), she immediately shuts me down and belittles me. When she is drunk there is no winning and reasoning with her. There are times when I've had to hang up the phone as she yells profanities at me, when she feels like I treat her like she's a child or an idiot etc. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love my mother so much, I just want her set free from this bondage!
Question for anyone reading this. Would you lend her the money to cover her gambling debt? Is it wrong or 'mean' if I choose not to do it? I used to buy her cigarettes from the airport whenever I travelled overseas, but I stopped as I could no longer consciously support her smoking habit. I am sort of at a loss and leaning to God for His wisdom on this.
Thanks for your time.
Addictions in a family are usually a result of a family curse, that is, someone from the demonic realm has a grip on your family and that curse needs to be broken by someone who knows how to do this, if it is very strong. But if you are a Christian, you can speak to the spiritual world and say in the name of Jesus you are breaking this curse over your family. I will find a link on this from Derek Prince and I recommend you listening to it. Beware that there might be some resistance in the spiritual world to you getting this information as to how to break his hold on your family.

In addition, I would not lend money to your mother as you are enabling the behavior. She needs to feel the effect of her addiction instead of being rescued so she can continue without suffering.

Now as to her behavior that hurts you in words, it might help to realize that this is the demon in her (and yes, christians can be demonized) talking to you, not her. It is an evil spirit that is attacking you, not your mother. Time to get her free of it, although you can only break the curse on the family, she has to want to be free herself.



For many years I thought there was a family curse in my family as the woman always died at roughly the same age (50s) and felt like this would be my fate. I had a dear sister ask us (group) if there was such and she prayed for me breaking this curse. I lived beyond 50s. So I think this is very real even though not commonly known.
 

Who Me

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My mother asked if she could borrow a large sum of money from me in order to make repayments to her credit card which she uses to gamble.

This is difficult, what ever you do someone is going to be hurt.

I would suggest writing to her, start by saying you love her and value her, then gently pointing out she has a gambling and alcohol addictions and that while she has these you will not lend or give her money.
Supply her with details of aa and ga in her area.

Repeat that you love her and want to see her free from these addictions.

Prepare for a storm of abuse and rejection.

Do you have siblings or other family members who might be able to support you?
 
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